I know it doesn’t seem like an exciting topic to blog about, but just wait. Did you know T Mobile has sound effects for your phone? Sure you did. Did you know that they have over 10 different “bodily functions” options…mostly involving burping and farting noises? Now this might not seem all that great to you, but boy, did the 8 year old in me get super excited!
What to choose?
BIG FART
GRUNTING AND FARTING SLOB
LONG CONTINUOUS FARTING
MEDIUM FART
TOILET BOWL NASTINESS 1
TOILET BOWL NASTINESS 2
While I’m sure BIG FART is pretty much a classic and LONG CONTINUOUS FARTING has some major potential, I just had to go with the classy sounding: WET FART MONTAGE. I mean, doesn’t a sound collage of wet farts sound classier (and way more hilarious) than just a boring old MEDIUM FART?
I thought so too. So I ponied up my $1.99 and got me a WET FART MONTAGE ringer for my phone. Oh God, you should hear it! It’s all, “PPPPPFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT…PPPFFTT…PPPFFFTTTTTTTT!” My buddy and I spent about 20 minutes listening to my “FART FONE”….at work. Right out there on the floor. Granted, we’re not saving lives at the record store, but it was nice to stick it to the man by giggling over fart noises for almost a half hour on the clock. Take that, the man!
Once The Wife found out about THE FART FONE, she was less than enthused or amused that I spent $1.99 on a fart. I tried to explain that it wasn’t just a fart, but a WET FART MONTAGE.
A montage…you know…that makes it classy. She wasn’t buying it.
That was until THE FART PHONE went off in the truck on the way home….and being the perfect wife that she is, she laughed right along with her immature husband all through the whole montage of wet farts.
I wasn’t planning on blogging today, but sometimes you just have to share.
I was poking around on she eats (the link is to your right, on the blogroll…no, down…Christ, it’s in alphabetical order…sheesh, do I have to do everything for you? she eats link)….anyway, I was poking around on she eats, just following some links she provided, and then, BAM! I saw this:
NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! FRIED OCTODOGS!!!!
The Wife and I were driving home from work, listening to a cool little story on All Things Considered. (I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, how Thirtysomething of you.” Well, whatever…I am 35 for Christ’s sake.)
Anyway, Michele Norris was interviewing Jennifer 8 Lee about her upcoming book, THE FORTUNE COOKIE CHRONICLES. I was all into the segment right up until Michelle, in her oh-so-perfect NPR voice, says:
“Hm, the Lake Wobegon Effect in a fortune cookie.”
I jammed on the brakes and screamed at The Wife, “What did she just say? Did she say what I think she said? Lake fucking Wobegon?!”
I guess I should take a second and stress…I HATE LAKE WOBEGON….I mean, what in the Hell gives that toad faced, human sleeping pill, Garrison Keillor, the nerve to have an Effect named after his little fictional town?! Argh!
And what the fuck is “THE LAKE WOBEGON EFFECT?!” Is there really such a thing? The answer is, “YES!”
You’ve got to be kidding me. Okay, I read the Wiki, and it all seems pretty interesting…more interesting than a two hour snooze-a-thon of A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION…but really? Lake Wobegon? Damn.
So, bottom line:
Jennifer 8 Lee has a new book coming out…she has a cool name and fortune cookies have an interesting story.
Michele Norris has a great radio voice…but totally pissed me off with her Wobegon Effect comment….but I guess it’s not her fault for being all smart about stuff.
I am indeed, 35 years of age.
Garrison and his quaint little stories of people who “overestimate their achievements and capabilities in relation to others” can kiss my skinny Irish ass!
The other morning around 7:00 AM my cell started blowing up….someone was urgently texting me. I checked my phone…hmmmm…I don’t recognize the number…let’s see here…
I read the text, had a good chuckle, and forgot about it…until a few hours later when I received the same text…oh snap, this must be important! But I just couldn’t bring myself to respond to my texter…you see, it was a wrong number. The person who was blowing up my phone thought I was Margie. Now, I know I’m not Margie, but my anonymous texter (let’s call her Sad Girl) was sure I was Margie and Margie was totally ignoring Sad Girl’s super important early morning text.
Before you read Sad Girl’s message I thought I’d help set the scene by giving you some visuals of our cast of characters:
SAD GIRL:
Our crazy, mixed up, protagonist…who’s just trying to do the right thing…or is she?
ASHLEY:
All around shit-stirrer and possible mistress of the double cross.
MARGARET (MARGIE):
Forever in love with Sergio, trusted friend of Sad Girl, and quite possibly the loco bitch that will end up cutting Ashley’s face.
SERGIO:
All around pimp, player, and baby daddy to many “around the way girls”.
And now, THE TEXT:
“So i was talking to ashley and she was like yeah me and margaret are still weird and she told me that you told her that you needed time and i was like well do you still talk to sergio and she was like no not since last night when i told him about everything and right when she told me that she got a text message and she was trying to hide it from me but i could see the reflection of who it was in the mirror and it was him!
I was like what the fuck”
[10:01:21 AM]
***END***
Pretty intense, huh? At first I wanted to text Sad Girl back and let her know she had the wrong number…then I thought about sending a generic “WTF” or something more exciting like, “U KNOW WUT BITCH U TALK ALOT OF SHIT CUZ SERGIO WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT PLEDGING HIS LOVE IN THAT SPECIAL WAY…..HE SAID HE CANT STAND TO BE AROUND UR UGLY ASS WITH ALL THEM FUCKIN PIMPLES!“
I thought better of fucking with Sad Girl and just let the message ride to see if she wold get back to me/Margie..and she did:
“Margie? Are you going to say anything?”
[10:27:07 AM]
***END***
OOOHHHHH…Sad Girl was getting real antsy real fast. What to do? Well, I did nothing…I didn’t let poor Sad Girl off the hook by politely informing her that she had the wrong number nor did I get all Mi Vida Loca with the texting. I know, I know, not only am I kind of a shit but I’m also no fun in the phone prank department.
But really, would you want to fuck with any of these gangsta ass locas?
You guys remember the TIMEX SOCIAL CLUB? I didn’t, but the cover for the Rumors 12″ was hard to pass up. They only had this one hit…but it was obviously good enough for Bobby Jimmy and the Critters to spoof with…ROACHES!
In addition to the TSC I also grabbed:
The soundtrack to RISKY BUSINESS…you know, it’s not all BOB SEGER on this one…you also get TANGERINE DREAM, MUDDY WATERS, JEFF BECK, PRINCE, JOURNEY, and PHIL COLLINS!
Oh, the “sexy train ride”….
STEVE WALSH – SCHEMER DREAMER…love the cover, but the KANSAS front man’s musical stylings leave me a little cold.
If you don’t know by now, I’ll tell you again…I have a undying love for DISCO…and Keep On Jumpin’ by MUSIQUE makes me smile.
My favorite find this round of record buying was GAYLE MCCORMICK – FLESH & BLOOD. This record surprised the shit out me. I had no idea who Gayle was until I did some poking around on the interweb. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I found out this was her:
SMITH – Baby it’s you
Sweetness…her solo stuff is pure whiskey soaked rhythm and blues with a hearty helping of blue eyed soul…check her out.
Here’s a Canacorn fun fact: AMERICAN IDOL is a big deal at our house. We even went to the 1st AI concert waaaaay back in 2002….seriously love the show.
Anyway, this year during the Hollywood auditions, one of the songs the contestants could sing was Everything I Do…remember that one? It was like the wedding song of 1991-1994. It’s an okay song I guess.
When The Wife hears Bryan Adams she automatically thinks of Cuts Like A Knife.
When I hear Bryan Adams I automatically think of the great American singer/songwriter JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP!
So, this Tuesday, we’re going huntin’ for a couple of cougars!
HURTS SO GOOD
Can you believe I thought those biker chicks were hot? Yikes.
A few weeks ago I offered to write a movie review for a friend’s website. No big deal, right? I have all this free time and I love talking about movies, so writing a review should be a piece of cake! I emailed my buddy:
ME: If you ever need a Richard Dreyfuss to your Robert Shaw, I’d be
willing to help out doing a guest review or something. I’m out of school
for a while, so whatever.
BUDDY: What do you wanna review? anything in mind?
ME: Creatures From The Abyss (aka Plankton) would be a cool one to
review….I don’t know, you could give me an assignment, just like J. Jonah
Jameson.
BUDDY: Yeah, go ahead. I actually have seen that recently. It came in a 3 pack
with The Dark, and The Being.
That last email was on Feb. 4th. I never started the review. I kept telling myself, I just didn’t have the time right now and I’d get to it….then I get this email on the 7th.
BUDDY: how’s the review going?
OH FUCK! He was serious….and I need to get working on this damn review…so I shot him back a little white lie.
ME: Started working on my review…I hope to have it to you by next weekend if that’s okay. Don’t feel obligated to use it if you feel it doesn’t fit in…
BUDDY: Hope to have it by next weekend? Jesus, who are you Frank Fuckin’ Herbert? Crank that motherfucker out and we’ll get along fine. Do you have a way to grab screengrabs from it? I have the disc if you don’t. Feel free to come up with funny captions if you want. Rib will change em if they really suck. That’s the hardest part to write I think, but no joke is really too stupid.
Screengrabs? Oh, man, the panic was really building…..calm the fuck down and just go watch the movie…first, email your buddy back…play it cool…use a little humor…
ME: It’s up to 15 pages, typed, double spaced at this point…actually, I just started re-watching it yesterday. I don’t have a way to do screengrabs…so that will have to be up to you guys.
BUDDY: Don’t worry about the review being perfect, I don’t. I’ve read your blogs, which are good, so think of it like that. If you wanna contribute reviews semi-regularly afterward, that’s fine. Obviously, you’re free to be obscene, which is fun.
His last email calmed my nerves some. I have found my voice in AWESOMENESS… and really do enjoy writing my little blog. I guess the thing is, the blog is for me. Sure, I obviously write to be read by others, but ultimately, I just post stuff for my own selfish enjoyment. By offering my writing to someone else I was really putting myself out there. This isn’t some paper for school (which I agonize over…just ask The Wife), this was for someone else’s website.
Let me stop here and stress one thing: I AM A VIRGO.
“Astrologers broadly agree that the following are the characteristics of Virgo:
The Virgo is prone to being overly proud, fussy, nervous, pedantic, petty, self-conscious, harsh, paranoid, scared of being sick, aloof, calculating, hard-edged, overly critical, judgmental, pretentious, snobby, nervous, timid, compulsive, folds under pressure, a perfectionist, stubborn, and conservative.” -Astrologers
…and that’s the absolute fucking truth. I am my own worse critic…as I assume most people are, but I’m really, really hard on myself. Well, it was time to get to work! I watched CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS armed only with a pad of paper, a pen, and my pretentious (yet self-conscious) wit.
After the film I was left with these:
Two pages filled with cryptic references to Clint Howard, Alec Holland, Joey Silvera, PRIVATE MEDIA GROUP and other not so obscure people and places….and then there’s 100s of word combinations like: swank bar glass chrome sectional, slapping method, Dadaist manifesto, Julie looks dead but still hot, extreme caviar birthing, and my favorite: “Not a fish pedophile.”
What in the hell am I supposed to do with that?! Get to writing, that’s what, Canacorn!
So I sat my ass at the computer and wrote…and wrote…and wrote…and 1,350 words later I was left with this:
A BIG ASS TURD IN MY HAND.
Or so I thought.
I emailed my buddy the review on Feb. 16th and waited for his critique. Man, was I nervous…I mean, I’m about to be judged on my opinions of a shitty horror movie and how I decided to express my feelings about said shitty horror movie by a guy who has lived and breathed shitty horror movies a good decade longer than I have. All I could picture was J. Jonah Jameson ripping me and my review to shreds.
Well…I did hear back from my buddy…and he liked it…he said it was great. Uh, wow…So not too shabby for my first go…and I got lucky by having an easy editor.
Here’s the trailer:
So, enough is enough…here’s the link to my 1st online review:
Before The Wife was The Wife, she was just a girl at the record shop that I was totally crushing on. Sure, we were both in relationships with other people, but they just weren’t working out anymore. We totally realized we were falling in love when QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE rocked our socks off with what became our first song.
AVON
When The Wife and I were dating, I was really into The Beach Boys, PET SOUNDS. The whole album makes me go all dreamy for The Wife, but it’s really all about that first song on side 2. She didn’t know how I felt about this song until we were watching BIG LOVE and I told her how it makes me think of her….Boy, did I get a look after that first line in the song…
GOD ONLY KNOWS
Well, you know the old saying, “First comes love, then comes marriage,” right? That’s exactly what happened to us! We needed a special wedding song to really capture how the both of us feel about each other. And who knows more about love than Dolly, Kenny, and The Brothers Gibb?
ISLANDS IN THE STREAM
There you go, I hope everyone has a HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY…and if you’re one of those people who don’t dig on V-Day, I’m sorry to hear that…maybe some day you’ll change your mind.
I’m going to take a page out of my buddy Catherine’s book and sign off with:
I’ll admit it, there are quite a few things make me roll my eyes in disgust…like people who don’t look where they’re walking, lack of turn signal usage, sports, “inspirational comedy”, Jive Bunny…my list goes on and on…
But there is one thing I absolutely can’t stand:
PEOPLE WHO WRITE ON THEIR SKIN.
Seriously…can’t…stand…it!
I mean, it drives me up the fucking wall.
I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, aren’t you covered in tattoos?!”
Yes, but that’s different from this:
A tattoo is a fucking commitment, a piece of art, something personal…not just a lazy way of “remembering” something. What’s wrong with using a post it note or a little notebook?
Well, some guy asked the same question to the people of the interweb and he got some answers (after being told he was asking a dumb question…which he wasn’t…he was dumb for asking the interweb people any question whatsoever).
Here are some reasons people have for writing on themselves:
“Because it is easier to remember when it’s on your hand you see it and remember. With a notebook you have to remember to look though it to remember what you wrote.”
“You can lose the note book. Its a little harder to lose your hand.”
“Because they aren’t attached to a notebook, they’re attached to their hand. Wherever it goes, they go, and people use their hands all the time, so they’ll never forget it if it’s written on their hand, whereas they are more likely to forget to open their little handy dandy notebook.”
Oh, give me a break….what happens when you have to wash your hands, Einstein? Oh, you don’t wash your hands during the day? Do you even know how dangerous it is to not wash your hands? Is it really so hard to remember to look in a notebook?
So, what brings this up today? We got this book in at work….and it features half naked chicks…which I don’t have a problem with…but they’re covered in writing! Not tattoos….just some sort of sexy graffiti.
Why?????
Man, it just bummed me out…
I guess it could be worse. But I still think it’s stupid.
