Diamond Dave

Sometimes a song comes along that just makes my day:

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Funnies

You know, I’m not sure why I call this occasional dip into the waters of perversity Fetish Fridays anymore…

It’s rare that I actually discuss a specific paraphilia these days. It’s a lot harder than you think, you know. Picking the right fetish…finding the right pictures and/or videos…avoiding all the fetishes that are boring, stupid or too fucked up even for Awesomeness.

I mean, I guess I could whip up a post about Somnophilia complete with a link to SleepCreep.com, but why?

I’d rather talk about Tijuana Bibles instead of some totally fake Snow White-whore-sleep-rape website…sorry…maybe next time, kids.

I really don’t remember exactly when I figured out what a Tijuana Bible was…it may have been sometime in 1986…and it just might have been because of Alan Moore’s WATCHMEN. Remember when Sally Jupiter got all excited when she found out she was featured in one? No? Well Zack Snyder did…check out the pic at the top of this post!

Pretty cool, huh? It’s the little details like that one that have me pretty damn excited about the upcoming film.

Anyway, even though there isn’t a real Tijuana Bible featuring the Silk Spectre there are plenty featuring some of your favorite characters from the funny papers! These little “fuck books” were what people used to look at waaaaaay back before there was The Internet, you know. But rest assured, they are filled with just as much porn, racism, and toilet humor that today’s internet connoisseurs expect!

Now, some of you youngsters might not remember Bringing Up Father, but if you’re anything like me, then you’re just dying to see anything involving sex and farts…

So click on the picture and get transported to the wonderful world of tijuanabibles.org!

Oh, Jiggs, you slay me!

They even have a Dagwood one…and even though they didn’t work in a gag involving giant sandwich insertion, it’s still pretty good.

Oh, and there’s Barney Google and J. Wellington Wimpy…and even Moon Mullins gets some action!

Okay, okay, I can tell all this old timey shit is boring the Hell out of you kooky kids…so we’ll cut this short. But as usual, I have to hit you up with one more picture then you can go look at all your shiny, futuristic, new fangled pr0n….sheesh…kids today!

I'll say! 23 skidoo!

Y’all ain’t got no appreciation for real entertainment!

Boner-ific!

Not everyone has a friend like SHITSTORM.

I met her on Myspace…which I hardly ever log into anymore.

But when SHITSTORM leaves me a comment I just can’t stay away.

Actually, I’m pretty sure she isn’t even real. I think I created this demented pixie as a way of dealing with my tendencies towards neo-Luddite, nihilist and anarcho-primitivist behaviors…or whatever.

Obviously she’s a manifestation of my very own spiritual scientist…an expert at making boners appear in my pants area by showing me things like this:

Real or not, thanks to SHITSTORM, I’m certain that EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!…and that’s just the way I like it.

Better Move Your Butt When These Ladies Strut!

Image from http://cinebeats.blogsome.com/

Ever hear of Darktown Strutters? No, not the whack-a-doodle band from Denton (although I do think they rule), but the 1975 Black-Babes-On-Wheels-Psychedelic-Freak-Out of a film!

I’ve read about this film on a few movie blogs like, Cinebeats, Surfin’ Dead, and The Horn Section…but since I’ve never had the pleasure of actually seeing it, I’ve had to swallow my jealousy and pour a six pack of beer on it just to make it through the day…

Well, jealousy, BE GONE!

Rev. Fred Phantom at Midnight Confessions has hepped me to some serious jive, Jack!

Get this! Over at Random Rumblings the incredibly white yet funky, Gotankgo posted all 1:23:40 of this out of print Blax-terpiece (see how I did that? I took the word “Blaxploitation” and the word “masterpiece” and put them together to…oh, forget it)!

What in the Hell are we waiting for? Let’s watch it now!

Things Just Keep Getting Worse

I have to admit, this is really a great idea…I’m excited about District 9.

Fetish Fridays! Let’s Get Small Edition (NSFW)

When you're crotch-height, it's hard to make a good impression. -Anthony Daniels

I remember a time before The Roloffs were on the tee-vee when little people were called midgets or dwarfs and instead of doing boring everyday type stuff like shopping or playing soccer they did cool midget stuff like wrestling and being Jawas and Ewoks.

But that’s neither here nor there…’cause it’s Friday and we all know what you expect from Awesomeness on Fridays…An educated and unbiased exploration into the powerful and persistent sexual interest other than in copulatory or precopulatory behavior with phenotypically normal, consenting adult human partners.

Heh, who the fuck am I kidding? I know you came for one thing and one thing only…PORN!

And if you were picking up what I was dropping down, then you’ve already figured out that we’re talking midget porn today!

Now, now, don’t be scared…they’re just like you and me, you know…just little-er. Hell, even Sarah Silverman got in on this whole midget fucking thing when she split with Jimmy Kimmel and then ended up banging Vern Troyer on video last year. So relax…if it’s good enough for Sarah to make a sex tape with Mini-Me, it’s gotta be good enough for you.

Alrighty then, let’s get this party started! First up, how about the not so subtlety named site, Midget Porn! Have I ever told you guys how much I appreciate the simple and sincere naming of these porn sites? Anyway, here’s what they promise:

“Welcome to the Midget Porn, the biggest sex place where the shortest peoples are expressing their sexual appetence. This site is dedicated to people who like to watch little man and woman pleasuring them self’s in big hardcore and softcore explicit action. Those people know only for the best satisfaction because of the fact that their thirst is much stronger then in the ordinary man….Hear their loudly screaming’s while midget asses and pussies are being raw fucked and watch male midget moaning when it’s dick start penetrating some slutty shaved pink pussy lips!”

Goddamn, I really want to meet the people that write this stuff!

Little man, big hardcore

Wow…but do they deliver?

Sure they do….by delivering a bunch of links to Midget Cum (It’s the site “Where Girls Swallow Midget Cum“ apparently)…and Bang A Midget (Where “Horny midget babes love to suck big cock“ obviously)…

Which is cool I guess…but something is missing. I just can’t put my normal sized finger on it…

I mean, there’s Bridget The Midget clips and then there’s this chick with “I HEART MIDGETS” written on her forehead eating jizz with a spoon…

Dear God, did I just type that and put a link in there for a video? What’s wrong with me?

Don’t you judge me! You clicked on it too! I didn’t force you into that…damn…go easy on Mr. Canacorn, kids. I’m just here to help.

Where was I? Oh, something was missing…but what was it? There were regular sized women having sex with little dudes and there were tiny ladies having sex with normal sized guys…shit, there was even that racist midget getting fucked by that black dude!

What more do I expect from a midget porn site?

Oh, I don’t know….

How about……

The world’s smallest and wildest T-Girl!

I love you, internet.

Is that too much to ask? I think not. God bless you, Ruby Rod.

My work is done for today…see you next week.

He’s Even Selling The Glove

The King Of Pop is selling off the Neverland Ranch in April! Oh man, I bet there is some awesome shit to be had…the catalog (actually the catalogues are comprised of a 5 book set in a hard box cover) alone will run you $100…or $500 if you want the signed and numbered editions!

Hop on over to Julien’s Auctions and check it out!

I just know we could find some nice stuff for our house!

I Can Watch This All Day

Oh, and I seriously love me some breakfast from Dennys.

Gambled And Lost

I found this over at Zombie Vs Shark and just had to share…

Pic somewhat related

To the woman that crapped in my car. – m4w – 25 (pdx)

Date: 2009-02-13, 7:30PM PST

To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Stout
P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.

How About A Third Fucking Blog, Mr. C?

I told y'all I'm happy to be having a boy, right?

Seems like a good idea right?

Well, in a way it kind of is…FOR YOU!

“How so,” you ask?

I’ll tell ya’.

The Wife and I are going to be blogging together…all about our journey into parenthood.

See? I can hear you groaning and complaining already…

Well, that’s why we’ve started a whole new blog…the pornography and other not safe for work goodies you’ve come to love and expect from Awesomeness won’t, I repeat, WON’T be sullied by my rambling posts about “how scary it is being a father to be“…or the ridiculously nauseating posts of “look what we’ve done in the baby’s room,” and “we’re so excited to meet our son we can hardly wait!”

It’s called What Have We Done? and you can go visit if you really want to see what’s doing with our pregnancy and our lives. It’s safe for work and safe enough even for our very own parents. Except for some coarse language I can’t think of anything that could be considered objectionable…But you know me, I’m wildly inappropriate, so what the fuck do I know?

So, a recap: Awesomeness and The Bride will stay their usual filth filled selves and What Have We Done? will be boring stuff about our baby and baby related topics written by me and The Wife.

Okay? Sound good? Wanna’ see another pic of a couple of girls that make their daddies proud? You got it!

Look daddy, I made the cover!