Final Girl Film Club Presents: The Beyond

Terrifying and unspeakable secrets of hell, huh?

What’s up my little chickadees? I know it’s been a while but I’m back in the Film Club Coolies Gang!

Can you believe I’ve missed four whole months of participating in Final Girl’s Film Club?

Know why? Well, I’d like to tell y’all it’s because I’ve been super busy getting ready for the birth of my son…but the truth is…I’m kinda’ lazy and I haven’t been all that enthused with the Film Club movie selections recently…

Well laziness be damned and interest be peaked this month, boners!

Today we’re diving face first into Lucio Fulci’s THE BEYOND…It’s a “graphic frenzy of gory crucifixions, chunkblowing chain-whippings, eyeball impalements, sulfuric acid meltdowns, flesh-eating tarantulas, throat-shredding demon dogs and ravenous bloodthirsty zombies!”

Man, can the back cover of this DVD sell this fucker or what?

But before I get to my thoughts on this bad boy, I think we should start with a little song called, Seven Doors Hotel, by Swedish rockers, EUROPE! (Yes, that Europe!) It’s totally about THE BEYOND and does a pretty good job summing up the plot to a horror movie like only heavy metal lyricists can…but with guitar solos!

Okay…so…um…how to describe the “plot” to THE BEYOND?

So there’s this warlock, right? And he’s all into magic and doors and painting and stuff…and, um, the sepia toned residents of 1920s Louisiana don’t cotton to no queer necromancers in their parts.

Seriously, the Creoles are one thing, but they just can’t stand for no frilly wizard settin’ up shop in one of their fancy hotels!

Soooo, they catch him, whip him with some chains, crucify him to a wall, and give him a face full of caustic soda as warning to all the other sissy Satanists round these parts! It’s a total “All warlocks, keep out! This means you! Love, Louisiana!” kind of thing.

And there’s this book. It’s the Book Of Eibon and it’s full of cool stuff like a magical formulae for “the slaying of certain otherworldly horrors” and it even has the rites of Zhothaqquah in it! But for some reason the movie doesn’t really get into all that…I think it’s still a pretty neat book though.

Anyway, the hotel where the warlock was murdered back in the 20s is inherited by a young woman in the 1980s…and woe be unto this poor woman that inherited this creepy money pit! The Seven Doors Hotel is all sorts of fucked up! Weather beaten exteriors, bad plumbing, crappy interiors, a flooded basement, two weirdo servants, the ghost of one dead warlock…oh, and it was built over one of The Seven Doors To Hell! Heh…who knew?

This might be a bummer for her, but it’s too good to be true for us! Once she tries to get the hotel up and running all sorts of Hell starts breaking loose and the promises made on the back of the DVD all come true!

Eyeball impalements!

Sulfuric acid meltdowns!

Flesh-eating tarantulas!

Throat-shredding demon dogs!

Ravenous bloodthirsty zombies!…Well, kind of…they weren’t that ravenous or bloodthirsty…and some were zombie ghosts…or were they ghost zombies?

Either way, they really weren’t very threatening and the guy with the gun shouldn’t have wasted so many bullets when he was perfectly capable of walking around the nonthreatening ghost zombies, uh zombie ghosts…or whatever.

I won’t spoil the “mind bending” ending here but let me tell you, I was all, “Huh?” and “Wha?” and even a little, “Uh, okay?” And then I realized THE BEYOND was a surreal
hallucinatory masterpiece and it all made sense in an André Breton kind of way.

So that’s that! Let’s see what Stacie herself has to say and what the other Film Club Coolies thought over at FINAL GIRL!

Can 2 Mini Obsessions Share 1 Brain?

The answer to that question, dear readers, is a resounding YES!

The first mini obsession I’m currently afflicted with is THE ROOM.

Enter THE ROOM and leave forever changed!

I promise to go into that one a bit later here at Awesomeness (maybe with some fellow bloggers chiming in as well)…so for now, feel free to check out the website and get a small taste of Tommy Wiseau’s cinematic triumph!

The second mini obsession of mine is the new Decemberists LP, THE HAZARDS OF LOVE.

I wouldn’t have know a Decemberist if one jumped up and bit me on the ass a week ago…but once I heard some cuts from their new album on NPR (let the stoning begin) I was thoroughly intrigued.

As I understood it, this record was some sort of 1970s Pink Floyd inspired concept album created by a 1960s British Folk Rock Dungeon Master that grew up sucking on the literary teats of Lord Byron and Shirley Collins….or whatever…I could be totally off base here…except for the Shirley Collins thing…I read that on the internet.

Anyway…I got around to listening to the record at work and was completely blown the fuck away (which was the same way I felt about THE ROOM, btw)!

From beginning to the tragic end I was slack jawed….but what really sold me was one singer-songwriter multi-instrumentalist Shara Worden of MY BRIGHTEST DIAMOND.

Seriously, this broad can sing…enough chatter…just listen to this track…I know it’s out of context, this being a concept record and all, but just listen…Shara comes in around 2 minutes into the track:

Wow, huh? Not only is that some great songwriting and riffage, but Shara is the smokin’ hot queso on top of this musical burrito! One reviewer compared her part of the Forest Queen to Tina Turner’s Acid Queen in Tommy.

While I’m sure that’s meant as high praise and I totally get where he’s coming from, I personally think Shara out sings Tina on Hazards…just sayin’.

It took 3 or 4 listens for me to really start paying attention to the lyrics and once I did The Rake’s Song quickly became one of my favorite tracks…peep this:

Now is that not the catchiest song about infanticide you ever did hear? I thought so.

Okay then…I’ve rambled enough…just buy this fucking record already and thank me later….here’s one last track if you’re not already convinced:

You’re welcome.

ftsh frdys! nsfw txt styl

Gdnght swt prnc

Hey there kids! Welcome back to another Fetish Fridays here at Awesomeness!

Today’s topic is RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!

And by ripped, I mean copied and pasted…and by headlines, I mean local morning news.

It seems that the teenagers are at it again!

These sex obsessed teeny boppers are no longer content with hot rods, burger joints, and rock and roll music!

Oh no, dear readers, these hopped up delinquents have discovered something more sinister than Elvis “The Pelvis” and jazz cigarettes!

It’s called SEXTING!

Yur tddy ber

Now I know you’re wondering, “Just what is this Sexting anyway?”

Well, according to a KVUE news story I browsed on the internet,

“Sexting is a new trend where teenagers send sexually explicit photographs through their cell phones.”

Wait a minute…cell phones take pictures? Like a camera?

Okay….if you say so.

So anyway, parents and teachers are getting all wack-a-doodle over this “social danger” and new form of “child pornography“!

Some parents are even thinking about homeschooling their kids because of the dangers of sexting! Really…check what Charles B. Lowers had to say:

“Well, you thought that cell phone would keep your kid safe if there was another school shooting. Who knew the shots would actually be homemade porn made with that very same cell phone?!? File this under the complete pornification of our society. What’s an awkward teen boy do to get a date now? He sends a girl a picture of his junk. Parents, can I speak frankly here? If you are not considering homeschooling, you are completely nuts.“

ZOUNDS! Child porn? The complete pornification of our society? Screw the adults, that’s some heavy shit for a teen to have to deal with.

And then there’s the thought of some jerk off using your explicit digital picture as a form of blackmail…or even worse…TEXTUAL HARASSMENT!

Old school!

Now, I know I’m just some old fogey, but what happened to the good ol’ days when you just used your parent’s Polaroid to snap some naughty pictures of your wing-wang, hoo-ha, or even your wopbopaloobops?

Hardly anyone would see those incredibly hot (and maybe a tad bit embarrassing) sexual rights of passage back in my day!

Now, thanks to technology, those damn things are plastered all over 4 Chan and/or some creep’s blog, forever haunting you and possibly ruining your entire fucking life…forever.

You know what? I agree with Taylor High School junior, Nigel M., when he said, “I think it is a big deal. Maybe the parents need to be aware of what their kids are doing or whatever.“

You tell ‘em Nigel…’cause God knows I never want a child of mine ever sending or receiving a pic like this on their cell phone:

OMFG, sxting to teh xtrm!

BOO-YA!

And that’s what NSFW is all about!

Later, boners…and thanks for waiting!

LYLAS!

Jim Carrey As Curly?!

You’ve got to be kidding me?

What’s wrong with Michael Chiklis? He played the shit out of Jerome “Curly” Howard back in 2000!

Am I right?!

Anyone?

Not one of you guys remember this?

I am surprised Sean Penn is playing Larry Fine since he has a serious lack of a sense of humor…but Benicio Del Toro as Moe Howard is truly inspired.

“Let Me Put You Out Of My Misery.”

So, I watched Punisher: War Zone…I thought the acting was horrible, the story was lame, and there wasn’t enough of this:

Ray Stevenson was good, though…and he looks like Bwana…which was kind of weird.

I Before E

Sooooo, you mean to tell me nobody noticed this for a whole week?

See the problem? I’m betting you saw it from day one but were just too polite to say anything. That’s cool…I fixed it.

News Flash!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you a brief update on Kenley Collins.

I know, I know, we’re at the end of Pam Grier Week, but this just makes me so happy…

So, if you haven’t heard by now, my most favorite jerk to ever grace my tee vee screen with her giant teeth and retro hair was arrested on Wednesday and charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon.

And get this…the weapon in question was her fucking cat.

Peep this story from the NEW YORK POST:

“Project Runway” finalist Kenley Collins was arrested today after assaulting her fiance with their cat, authorities said today.

After throwing the feline, a laptop computer, and three apples at Zak Penley, Collins, 26, was charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon.

“It was a miscommunication,” Collins told The Post after getting released without bail from Brooklyn Supreme Court yesterday morning.

“Fights happen, And that’s that. There is no case.”

According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.

She threw three apples, and doused him with water, before he was able to dial 911.

“You’re lucky, it could have been worse,” Collins told Penley after the blow, according to sources.

Collins and Penley, an artist and musician who penned a song called “CAT?” for her Project Runway finale, were to be married in October.

Nice, huh? What the story neglects to mention is that Zak Penley is a pussy (no pun intended).

You Know Why Pam Grier Is Tougher Than You?

‘Cause she’ll go to your fancy boat party…

Find the meanest bitch there…

And proceed to beat the shit out of her…

With a ferocious bitch slap bombardment…

Doled out in front of all her friends and colleagues…

And to add insult to injury…

She’ll finish the fight with a old timey cream pie to the face…

And make an Batman inspired exit…

In a dress…and heels.

And that’s why Pam Grier is tougher than you.

Don’t Give Sheba No Shit

‘Cause Sheba Shayne will repeatedly shove your face in granulated chlorine, making you “the whitest nigga that ever left Louisville!”

Product Name: SENTRY GRANULATED CHLORINE FOR SWIMMING POOLS

Risk Phrases: Contact with combustible material may cause fire. Harmful if swallowed. Contact with acids liberates toxic gas. Causes burns. Risk of serious damage to eyes. Very toxic to aquatic organisms.

Safety Phrases: Avoid contact with skin and eyes. In case of contact with eyes, rinse immediately with plenty of water and seek medical advice. Wear suitable protective clothing, gloves and eye/face protection. In case of accident or if you feel unwell, seek medical advice immediately (show the label whenever possible).

Inhalation: Remove victim from area of exposure – avoid becoming a casualty. Remove contaminated clothing and loosen remaining clothing. Allow patient to assume most comfortable position and keep warm. Keep at rest until fully recovered. If patient finds breathing difficult and develops a bluish discoloration of the skin (which suggests a lack of oxygen in the blood – cyanosis), ensure airways are clear of any obstruction and have a qualified person give oxygen through a face mask. Apply artificial respiration if patient is not breathing. Seek immediate medical advice.

Skin Contact: If skin or hair contact occurs, immediately remove any contaminated clothing and wash skin and hair thoroughly with running water. If swelling, redness, blistering or irritation occurs seek medical assistance.

Eye Contact: Immediately wash in and around the eye area with large amounts of water for at least 15 minutes. Eyelids to be held apart. Remove clothing if contaminated and wash skin. Urgently seek medical assistance. Transport to hospital or medical center.

Ingestion: Immediately rinse mouth with water. If swallowed, do NOT induce vomiting. Give a glass of water. Seek immediate medical assistance.

Medical attention and special treatment: Treat symptomatically. Can cause corneal burns. Delayed effects from exposure to chlorine (decomposition product) can include shortness of breath, severe headache, pulmonary edema and pneumonia.

Long Term Effects: No information available for the product.

Pam Grier is Jackie Brown

It’s no secret that one Mr. Canacorn has a couple of loves in his life (other than The Wife and baby Chuy)…

…Vinyl and soundtracks! So in celebrating all things Pam this week, I figured we’d talk about the Jackie Brown OST today!

We’ve all been told what a genius Quentin Tarantino is when it comes to picking music for his films…and I really have to agree wholeheartedly.

Sure, sure, I’d love for him to finally hook up with a composer that could whip up an amazing score, but just like Martin Scorsese before him, QT knows how to pick existing songs that can capture the viewers attention and really solidify a scene.

What really impressed me about the Jackie Brown soundtrack was QT’s ballsy choice to use such recognizable songs and still be able to give them a whole new life within the JB universe.

Let’s take a look and a listen to some choice cuts, shall we? Just click on the pic and be transported to wonderful world of YouTube!

Across 110th Street – Bobby Womack

Strawberry Letter 23 – The Brothers Johnson

Who Is He (And What Is He to You?) – Bill Withers

Tennessee Stud – Johnny Cash

Natural High – Bloodstone

Long Time Woman – Pam Grier

Street Life – Randy Crawford

Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time – The Delfonics

Midnight Confessions – The Grass Roots

Inside My Love – Minnie Riperton

The Lions and the Cucumber – The Vampire Sound Incorporation

Monte Carlo Nights – Elliot Easton’s Tiki Gods

…and even though it’s not a music video, but because I’m thinking about Jackie Brown, I just have to throw this video in here: