Oh man…I’ve been meaning to get around to this FF topic for a little over a month now. I know it’s not Friday, but I felt that Sunday was quite à propos for HOOKERS FOR JESUS.
That’s right…you heard me. Hookers. For. Jesus.
I first heard about HOOKERS FOR JESUS from a buddy at the record store….
He was all, “Remember Stryper?”
Me: “Yeah. I hated that band.”
Buddy: “Me too, but that’s not important right now. Did you know that their guitarist is getting married?”
Me: “So? Big whoop.”
Buddy: “He’s getting married in Las Vegas…to a prostitute…”
Me: “Say what?”
Buddy: “Yeah, she’s some sort of hooker…for Jesus!”
Me: “What the fuck’s a hooker for Jesus?! I mean, I could think of a worse pimp, but fuck man, walking the track for the fucking Son Of God…that’s some fucked up shit right there.”
I must know more! To the internet!
Well I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of what one of Christ’s call girls might look like, I kind of picture a sexy Mary Magdalene like this little lady on the right.
You know…part sinner, part saint, all whore!
But when I found the real hooker for Jesus on the internets…she was kind of a letdown.
First off, she looked like this:
Not a total bummer, but certainly not what I expected.
Second…she’s not even a hooker any more! WTF is up with that?!
Third, she’s all “…committed to reaching out to teens/women that need assistance/escape from the sex industry…” Again, WTF?
This whole hooking for Jesus is obviously not what I had in mind for today’s FF.
I started reading Annie Lobért’s testimony hoping for the best…it started off pretty good:
“WARNING DISCLOSURE: This story contains explicit material not suitable for children/young adults. If you are under 18, please ask permission from your parents to read this story. I am going to be real honest and candid on this site, so if you are tired of lies and want the truth, BUCKLE your seatbelts and hang on! I believe in being REAL. Please read this story, and I will explain everything to you….”
Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere…I read on…
Annie talked about getting molested at age 8…how her heart was broken by the man that took her virginity…how she became a “rebel” “…by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people–people with issues just like mine. You get the picture–PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking/drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town–listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading “fashion” magazines.”
See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?
Then she gets raped a whole bunch of times…
“Believe it or not, this MEDIA–POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me! I was the “PARTY GIRL!” This is when the first of many rapes happened…“
Damn, this is becoming a real fucking boner killer…but it all sounds like the perfect recipe for the making of one delicious whore cocktail…and then she really kicks it into high gear:
“Prostitution, (street & high class call girl) exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions–yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME… just to name a few…“
Whoa…masturbation addiction and smoking?! Sounds like a few Awesomeness readers I know…
But then she gets all Debbie Downer again and starts up with the whole, I was “raped by gunpoint, strangled, suffocated, guns put in my mouth, hair cut off, tied up, gagged, put in trunks of cars, bones broken, spit on, kicked, pushed, stalked by crazy men, tied up, kept hostage, and beaten into submission…“
Oh my God, just stop already! Enough! Fuck, lady, you are totally ruining Fetish Fridays for everyone.
And that’s only the first half of her story…I couldn’t even keep reading to get to the part where she decides to become a Jesus Hooker…or whatever.
Okay, look, I feel bad for Annie’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but I’m really starting to feel for that Stryper guitarist…could you imagine marrying this emotional train wreck? And to top it all off, now she’s all super preachy religious?! Not to sound too much like a callous dick, but fuck that noise…I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room for 10 minutes with this broad.
Fuck….I finally get around to a Fetish Fridays post and it gets annihilated in about 5 minutes…I knew I should have gone with that whole lesbian centaur fetish…
Ruined potential...
Hey boners, it’s Toni Basil!
We have it on good authority that an 
“It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.
Hey lookee here, I actually made it two Tuesdays in a row!
Yeah, yeah, yeah…just because I got me one of them there baby Canacorns doesn’t mean I’m gonna’ stop buying records.
Let’s see…where to start?
