Hey kids!
Seen any good movies lately?
I have!
Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.
No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!
I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,
“I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…“
And I was all,
“Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”
And then he was all,
“Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”
‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!
Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:
Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.
And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.
Nary a nipple
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?
So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.
The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.
Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.
Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!
Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.
Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.
You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!
Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident” (sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.
A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.
You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.
Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….
Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:
I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!
See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.
Nice duck.
Hey boners,
Hey boners! What’s shakin’?
And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ‘em out there…
So wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?
I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…
Hey boners!
