This Just In!

We have it on good authority that an animated “Kat” is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol’s 9th season! The “story” broke on Twitter (a free social networking and micro-blogging service for 12 year old girls and lonely middle age men) Tuesday night!

Paula “tweeted” some incoherent nonsense filled with numbers and symbols that we couldn’t make heads or tails of….luckily, 7th grader and regular Fetish Fridays reader, Cynthia Wheeler (age 12), was able to decipher the drunken text-based post by the former Mrs. Estevez.

“It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.

We here at Awesomeness couldn’t be more thrilled about the exciting new opportunities that could be opening up for both Paula and American Idol!

I don’t know about y’all but, we’ve got our fingers crossed for a “almost 50 and still sexy” Paula Playboy pictorial and a celebrity sex tape scandal involving MC Skat Kat and Kara DioGuardi…

But until then, let’s watch this “awesome” video from American Idol’s new judge:

Two For Tuesdays

Hey lookee here, I actually made it two Tuesdays in a row!

Who’d a thunk it?

Not you, I’m sure…well, let me disappoint you even more with today’s two-fer!

How about some Missing Persons?

Sure, sure, you think you never need to hear “Words” again (you’re wrong) and you think “Walking In LA” is lame (strike two, boner, that song also rules…anyone remember when Traci Lords covered it), so I’ll spare you the hits and serve up a couple of other tracks this Tuesday…

“WINDOWS” from Spring Session M

And since EMI has a no embedding policy for their videos just click on the pic of Dale to see today’s second video!

“GIVE” of off Rhyme & Reason

Man, I really had the hots for ol’ Dale Bozzio when I was a kid…imagine if I could have gotten my hands on that issue of Hustler (NSFW) she was in…I’d probably be blind.

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Periodontics Edition

Hey boners! What’s shakin’?

Yeah, yeah, I hear that….”Another day another dollar…Time to make the donuts….Blah, blah, fucking blah…“

Well hold on there pardners…it’s Friday…and aside from being alright for fighting…it means…oh wait, that’s Saturday…damn…

Uh, anyway…what I’m getting at is, it’s time to break you out of your humdrums and talk about some fetish of some sort! And if you couldn’t tell by the scrumptious picture of Lauren Hutton on the left side of your monitor, today’s topic is teeth!

But not just any type of teeth…oh no, my friends…only the ones with a gap right smack dab in the middle of those big ol’ central incisors is good enough for this Friday!

We’re strictly talking lucky teeth, or as the French like to say, “dents du bonheur“!

I know the topic of diastema is a bit tame compared to some of my past FF entries…but it is one that puts a smile on my face (and by smile, I mean erection..and by face, I mean penis…so what I think I’m trying to say is, “The enlarged and firm state of my penis…is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, that is usually, though not exclusively, associated with gap toothed women.“

Oh crap…now you’re picturing me and my amazing, incredible, expandable, blood filled erectile tissues….This is getting awkward…Uh…let’s move on…

So anyway, I was reading a review for ONCE BITTEN over at THE HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE the other day (seriously, it’s the best review I’ve ever read for ONCE BITTEN…check it out) and even though Yum-Yum made no mention of it, all I kept thinking about was Ms. Hutton’s delectable diastema!

And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ‘em out there…

And get this…some of ‘em even do the pornographies!

It’s true!

Which is kind of fitting…you know, because of the whole Canterbury Tales “gap-toothed wife of Bath, middle-aged woman with insatiable lust” rumor that the “firste fyndere of our fair langage” and loveable scamp, Geoffrey Chaucer, started waaay back in the 14th century!

There’s Belladonna, Naudia Nyce, Pepper Foxx, Chase Taylor, and hundreds of other starlets in waiting flashing their gapes and their gaps all over the internets!

So wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?

Of course it’s a great idea! So what the fuck, internets?! Where’s my diastema fetish site?!

No matter where I turn, I can find a fetish specific website for just about every sub-genre of porn…everything except this one.

You want clips and pictures of mature, BBW, amateur, hirsute honeys giving blowjobs to tattooed European gentlemen with big cocks that end in Roman Showers?

You got it! The internet provides!

But a guy wants some hot enamel action and he gets nothin’.

I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…

What kind of world do we live in that I can’t see this young thing try and fit those two big, bulbous heads on that soft, sensuous, smooth and sturdy 18 inch veined dildo between the contacts of her perfectly spaced maxillary central incisors?

A disappointing world…that’s what kind.

Seriously, internets, I’m gonna’ have to stop this whole Fetish Fridays dance if you can’t deliver the goods…I know we only do this FF thing (almost) once a week, but my feelings of dissatisfaction that follow your constant failures is really starting to take its toll.

So think about it…we’ll talk next Friday.

Canacorn, out!

What Cha’ Watchin’?

Anybody else remember when she didn’t have a shit-ton of creepy kids and was showing her tits to Elias Koteas in CYBORG 2?

Things I Decided Today

Okay, since we’ll never get another episode of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT…I suggest that Mitchell Hurwitz should hit us up with a spin-off.

Anyone remember the Bill Bixby show from the early 70s called THE MAGICIAN?

Magic, bitches!

It was about a playboy magician that solved crimes…with magic! Pretty rad, right?

A trick is something a whore does for money...

Well, why not tweak that idea and make it a comedy with Will Arnett reprising his role as GOB as the crime busting illusionist?!

Imagine the hilarity…all the old gang could make cameos…The whole Bluth clan and especially The Hot Cops, Mr. Bananagrabber, and the lovable African-American puppet, Franklin!

I know, I know….I’m practically a fucking genius here….still not sold?

Okay, watch this old intro to THE MAGICIAN but imagine GOB as the titular character instead of Bill Bixby…

See what I’m sayin’? I’ll call Hollywood.

WTF Is Up At Awesomeness?

Hey boners!

I know, I know, where the fuck have I been and what’s up with stuff, right?

Well, the short of it is, The Wife and I just had a baby Canacorn about a month ago and I’ve been knida’ busy doing all sorts of new dad type stuff.

Which means not much time for dicking around on the internets or watching many movies…and certainly not much time for blogging.

I have been visiting my old haunts (see the links in yon sidebar)…but more as a lurker than a commenter…so don’t be offended if you haven’t heard from lil’ ol’ me as of late.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Anyhoo, I did want to check in with youse guys to tell you about a new show I caught on The Travel Channel the other night.

It’s called Bite ME With Dr. Mike!

Who’s Dr. Mike? Well, that’s the good doctor in the picture…the guy holding the handful of Giant Intestinal Roundworms that he just shit out of his ass….seriously…I saw him do it on the teevee.

So, this bat shit insane crazy man that claims to be a Dr. goes to Third World Countries and eats dirty food, drinks filthy water, and lets all sorts of bugs and animals chew on his flesh…all in the name of SCIENCE…or whatever.

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

It’s truly fascinating….and Dr. Mike is so goddamn enthusiastic about getting leeches attached to his back and ass, drinking the “brown soup of excrement and industrial effluents” that is the Ganges River, and getting caught in the middle of a monkey gang fight, that the show has become a Casa Canacorn favorite after only one episode!

That’s right, you heard me…monkey gangs had a rumble and Dr. Mike was in a “drive by” biting.

You can’t make this shit up…

Oh, peep the teaser to the episode I saw:

Anyway, I just wanted to let you kids know that I’m alive and to hip y’all to crazy Dr. Mike and his amazing ass worms….

Canacorn out!*

*yeah, still trying to make that work….

Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

“I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…“

And I was all,

“Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

And then he was all,

“Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident” (sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!

See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

“Hairdresser, Hairdresser”

Lucille Cataldo sings for 4 minutes and 21 seconds….the longest 4 minutes and 21 seconds of your life.

See more Stairway To Stardom at Sharpeworld!

What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly’s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare’s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandon…again…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.

Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.

I’m Not Mad…

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Hey boners, remember a couple weeks ago when I was all,

“OMFG! You guys totally need to watch TIPTOES! Seriously, it’s going to be soooo fucking awesome!”

Weeeeell, I take it back.

Ya’ll really don’t. Not the whole movie. Just stick to the trailer that’s making its way around the blogs and save yourselves 90 minutes of the “Up With Midgets!” message that TIPTOES has to offer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against little people, but TIPTOES is no UNDER THE RAINBOW! Heh…UNDER THE RAINBOW…why isn’t that on dvd yet?!

Anyway, my friend Dave over at SMELLS LIKE SCREEN SPIRIT hit the nail on the head when he said he felt that TIPTOES was just disappointing. The plot, the direction, Gary Oldman’s “role of a lifetime“…all of it…just plain disappointing.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Wasted talent.

I mean, the filmmakers had so many opportunities to make this one a winner…at one point, Kate Beckinsale says to Matthew McConaughey, “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!”

Me too! Come on! Seriously, why the fuck didn’t Matthew Bright throw that scene in there?!

Oh, and you have Bridget The Midget in your fucking movie!

Hellooooo…She’s an American erotic film actress with dwarfism for Christ’s sake!

I know it’s too much to ask for Matthew and Gary to Eiffel Tower* her, but at least show some naked midget flesh!

Look, in my humble opinion, if you have a little person that doesn’t mind parading her tiny assets around on film, take full advantage of that!

What’s so difficult about this?

Okay, I’ve said my piece…so, in closing:

Watch the trailer to TIPTOES, not the movie.

*Oh, in case you’re wondering…this is The Eiffel Tower:

Fuck yeah, Bro!