Fetish Fridays! DIY And NSFW

Let’s get organized!

Are you tired of paying too much money for overly complicated adult toys?

Do you find yourself frustrated with all those tangled wires and dangerous outlets that come with electrically powered marital aids?

Are you confused by outdated and convoluted laws prohibiting or regulating obscene devices in your home town?

Worry no more!

HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has all the do it yourself instructions for the horny READYMADE man and woman who enjoy creating unique items to have at home…crafted from everyday materials, including household items!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to buy a pocket pussy but just couldn’t muster up the courage to go into the local sex shop and plunk down my hard earned cash!

Well, thanks to HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, all I have to do is hit up the grocery store for some innocuous sundries, gather up a couple of things I have laying around Casa Canacorn and follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.

Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.

Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery fake pussy
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.

Wow! Pretty neat, right?! They have a ton more how tos over at HOMEMADE SEX TOYS like fuckable bean bag chairs, totally awesome lightsaber didlos and wack-a-doodle giant foam finger vibrators for you sports nuts!

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

Now, I know some of you guys and gals are so busy you don’t even have time to read the TV Guide, never mind fussing about with X-acto knives, duct tape, and toilet paper rolls.

Never fear, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has got your back! They’ll help you see with new eyes…

Just look around your house…there are a bunch of things you can stick your dick into, massage your clit with, or cram into your greedy asshole!

How about your TOOTHBRUSH?!

Hey now, why not use your CELL PHONE?!

Now why didn’t you think of that before? So simple and so genius….

I do believe we owe HOMEMADE SEX TOYS a big ol’, “Thank you,” don’t you?

Alright, I gotta’ get going, but one more picture and link before I beat feet.

This one is for all you Foodies that drop by Awesomeness every Friday…

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH, fruit and veggie vibrators!

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

They’re Nutritiously Orgasmic!

Thank you, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, you rule!
(And a thanks to Bwana for turning me on to HST, you rule too!)

I Can Watch This All Day

Oh, and I seriously love me some breakfast from Dennys.

Sorry, No Fetish Fridays Today

I was busy watching this:

Go see it…it made me cry.

Send Me An Angel

Even though I don’t know how to ride a bike, I can’t deny the awesomeness that is this clip:

Want more RAD? Head over to Branded In The 80s and get your fill!

Man-Up Mondays!

Say What? A Man-Up?!

You bet, kids…but it’s a quick one.

You know him, you admire him…hell, some of you heathen monkeys even fear him!

It’s ROGER “RACE” T. BANNON!

“A man who cracked wise in the face of danger!“

This man was my hero for years. Learn a little something about one of the toughest men to ever be animated!

Man-Up Mondays!

Alright…things have been fruiter than Fruit Stripe Gum over here at Awesomeness for far too long! It’s time I Man-Up myself and put on my heroic-hetero hat, slam a few morning beers, and get back to some he-man type stuff!

So, let’s MAN-UP already! I’m going with a super macho dude this Monday…a real man that can live up to the respect I humbly throw at them with my link-heavy blog posts!

And there’s not many men who are even half the man Andy Sidaris was!

AP photo by SUSAN STERNER

Even though Andy was a sports teevee pioneer, I won’t hold it against him. I mean, he did give the world his Triple B Series of films! What? you’re not familiar with the Three Bs?!

Hold on right there…I’m talking BULLETS, BOMBS, AND BABES, people!

I think anyone who has watched even one of Malibu Bay’s movies would agree with me when I say, “You will NOT be disappointed with one frame of any of his totally fucking awesome movies!“

You have inspired dialogue:

Beautiful locations:

And stunning costumes:

See? What did I tell you?

Be sure to stop by ANDY SIDARIS DOTCOM for more neat stuff!

For some great info on one of Man-Up’s manliest, check out G. Noel Gross’ tribute over at CineSchlock-O-Rama! You wont be disappointed…there’s an interview with Andy and his wife, Arlene, and some awesome Synopsis, Notables, Quoteables, and Timecodes for 8 different movies!

Like this one for ENEMY GOLD! (Which was directed by Andy’s son, Drew…but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, if you know what I mean…so it still counts!)

Writer/director Drew Sidaris continues the family formula under Andy’s watchful eye. The flick opens in 1865, with a daring Confederate capture of Union gold. Hence “Enemy Gold.” Meanwhile, in contemporary Dallas, Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson) joins fellow agent and sometime bunk buddy Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) on a less than by-the-book coke bust. An exploding crossbow melee later, they’re put on disciplinary leave, and join Mark Barriere on a camping trip in search of that legendary stash of yankee loot. Rodrigo Obregon slithers into the picture as a vengeful Bolivian drug lord so perturbed by the meddling federal do-gooders that he enlists a towering assassin code named “Jewel Panther” (Julie Strain) to erectify, er, rectify matters. Drew’s actually got himself a shockingly comprehensible plot here, punctuated by drool-worthy gratuity by Suzi and her Washington spymaster Tai Collins. Tragically, neither of the ladies returned to the franchise. But snuggled among the copious bonus material is an interview in which buxom Ms. Simpson tells how she landed the role and beams about the joys of strippin’ nekkid in DECEMBER for a (glorious) outdoor shower scene.

Notables: 10 breasts. 34 corpses. Cocaine-stuffed watermelon. Exploding chopper. Hand licking. Catfighting. Diddling. Gratuitous Civil War reenactment.

Quotables: Santiago’s goons clearly have too much time on their hands, “You better be nice to me our I’ll tell Uncle Jessie what you did to that chicken last night!” Ms. Strain emotes, “I’m suffering from a bad case of PMS! I wouldn’t try my patience if I were you!”

Time codes: Ms. Simpson slips into something more deadly (11:05). “Let’s hit the Jacuzzi!” (21:20). Panther slings a sword around while performing a fireside interpretative dance in black leather S&M ware (1:04:52). Suzie and Julie mix it up (1:21:25).
-G. NOEL GROSS

Man-Up Mondays

I have two words this Monday…

HEAT MISER

I’m back in Texas and it’s fucking hot….Fuck you, Heat Miser…you suck.

When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWW SHIT! It’s David Carradine, y’all, and he’s teaching this Grasshopper some Chi Kung and Tai Chi energy workouts!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Canacorn, you hate exercise! Why did you go and waste a bunch of money on a Tai Chi workout dvd?“

First off, you can call me Grasshopper, it’s what Master David would want. And second, I didn’t buy the dvd. I rented it from Netflix. You see, The Wife is a genius and she told me that renting exercise videos from Netflix is a great way to try them out and see if they’re worth your time and money. Smart huh? I think she read that in a magazine or something….she’s read a whole magazine cover to cover before!

I told you she was a genius.

Now you must be wondering, “Why Tai Chi, Cana- uh, Grasshopper?“

Good question. My buddy Swede just recently started a beginners Tai Chi workout regiment and purchased the complete Kung Fu television series, so needless to say, Tai Chi and Master David have been on my mind lately. If you know me, then you know I’m incredibly high strung and stressy…and I’m plagued with all sorts of back problems. So it just makes sense to get my chi back into whack and strengthen my back and leg cores all at the same time. And who can I trust on my journey to a fitter body and mind? David fucking Carradine, thats who! Just look at him. The hair…the rings…the electric yellow silk pajamas…he is a living God! And have you heard his voice? It’s soothing and commanding…When Master David tells me, “Don’t forget to breathe,” I listen and remember. But Master David isn’t alone. He’s brought friends.

There’s Kinda’ Attractive Girl, Black Guy, Master Arnold, and Old Lady. They really help me stay focused and keep a positive attitude about the whole thing. You know when you’re learning something new and you get all confused and frustrated and want to quit, but then you’re like, “Wait a minute, if that old lady and kinda’ attractive girl and that dude who looks like Eriq La Salle can do it, so can I!“

So far I’ve only done the first few exercises, so I’m not totally rocking the smooth “energy skills” to harmonize my insides and focus my mentals…but I’m really excited about finally finding inner peace, harmony, strength and health…or whatever.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the music! It’s all whooshy and flutey….I hate to admit it, but I like it. It’s not like I’m gonna’ be rockin’ some Dokken while trying to get my chi correct, know what I mean?

I know this all sounds a little fruity, but don’t worry, you don’t feel like an asshole getting your Tai Chi on….not when you’re looking at this:

“Grasshopper, when I’m done with you, you too will have the strength to face Quetzalcoatl!”

Man-Up Mondays!

Is he man, mite, imp, or just an all around pain in the ass?

Why he’s all of the above…he’s BATMITE! With all the Bat-hype going on it was just soooo obvious to spotlight Batmite. Joker-schmoker…I’m sure Heath is all great and everything, but I really don’t care about the new Bat-franchise. The first movie left me cold and I have zero desire to see the new one. But if Batmite was in it, that would be a whole ‘nother story!

People seem to treat Batmite like he’s some sort of Scrappy Doo or Cousin Oliver….nothing is further from the truth! If you care to remember, Batmite was created waaaay back in 1959…he wasn’t added later to appeal to a younger audience or inject new life into a sinking title. Oh no, my friends, Batmite was following in the footsteps of such wonderful Pre-Crisis characters like Ace the Bat-Hound and Beppo the Super Monkey!
We’re talking Silver Age greatness here, people. Comics got good and goofy with hearty fistfuls of super-science stories and mind melting artwork before things took a turn for the grim and gritty. Batmite embodies this goofiness, with his unabashed idolizing of The Batman and his ability to fuck most things up in the most ridiculous way. He doesn’t mean to be a fuck-up, he just wants to push Batman to greater heights is all. What good is an idol if he just sits around brooding all day over the death of his parents? None good. Who wants to look up to a boorish, brooding, Murray-Mope-Around? Not Batmite…and not me! Batmite is good for The Batman, I tell you…and I’m not alone in this. Just look at The New Adventures of Batman and Superman and Batman: World’s Funnest..shit, even Frank Miller and Grant Morrison have used our little imp! Don’t believe me? Google that shit, yo!

Say it loud and say it proud, “We Want Batmite!“

Man-Up Mondays!

Yesterday’s little infomercial was a small teaser for today’s Man-Up Monday! Check this out…it’s from my buddy, Wiki (he knows so damn much I just can’t stop quoting him all the time)…just to put it into context, he’s discussing the film, MAGNOLIA.

“Frank T.J. Mackey, the character that Cruise would play in the film, was based in part on an audio-recording done in an engineering class taught by a friend that was given to Anderson. It consisted of two men, “talking all this trash” about women and quoting a man named Ross Jeffries, who was teaching a new version of the Eric Weber course, “How to Pick Up Women,” but utilizing hypnotism and subliminal language techniques. Anderson transcribed the tape and did a reading with Reilly and Chris Penn. The director then incorporated this dialogue and his research on Jeffries and other self-help gurus into Mackey and his sex seminar.“

Hmmmm, I must know more about this Ross Jeffries guy! Where to start? The first link was for his website…seriously, go back and click that shit! This next link is his BLOG…and this link is for his YouTube Channel! Christ, I hit a fucking goldmine for you people!

I know you have some questions…and I’m gonna’ let Ross answer them for you, so fire away.

You: “Is this disrespectful to women?”

Ross: “No…absolutely not! I love, love, LOVE women. Women, when properly communicated with, can be the delights of the universe. It is not disrespectful to give a woman an opportunity to discover that she doesn’t need the outdated courting rituals of the modern world in order to feel that wonderful sense of attraction and connection with a man. AND it is even more wonderful to realize that you can get a woman past what she is “typically” attracted to. As I said on TV, “the problem with a woman going for her “type” is that what is typical never lets her discover the extraordinary, which by definition isn’t what she is expecting”.

You: “Does this course require that I be mean / cruel / a jerk to women? I sure don’t want to do that.”

Ross: “Absolutely, 100% NO! It’s true, most men when they “date” have to choose between being a “bully”…a “jerk” who never gives in or a “supplicant”…a beggar who does ANYTHING a woman wants. My course gives you the option to be a truly gentle-MAN; someone who NEVER bullies or BEGS, but instead structures wonderful opportunities, offers her challenges, and captivates and stimulates her deepest levels of imagination. That’s not being cruel; that’s being awesome. And you deserve to be know how good it feels for you and her to do this.”

Jeeze, guys, Ross is our guest…let’s ease up on the “hard” questions. I’ll take over from here. Uh, Ross, will this work on older women? Younger women? Beautiful women?

Ross: “It will work with any woman of any age, plain or gorgeous, as long as she has a mind and an imagination.“

Cool! Ross, what is your background for being able to train others in Speed Seduction?

Ross: “I’ve been studying hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic programming for years, but my best answer is: I know how to solve the problem for others, because I had to solve it for myself! There is NO better motivation to get it right than that! I now have students in 14 countries in 8 languages, so I think I’m doing something right. But remember; the best qualifications are real world results! After you’ve had my course, and you look back and see the months of great results with some truly wonderful women…as you feel that feeling of satisfaction deep inside, and really recognize that ordering the course was a great decision, you’ll KNOW for yourself what my best qualifications are: what I teach really works!“

Wow. Hey y’all, let’s watch Ross in action!

What’s up with the fundamentals of SPEED SEDUCTION?

Hmmmm, I want to know more about Weasel Phrases. Ross? How can I use a Weasel Phrase when talking to a woman?

Radical! Thanks for stopping by Awesomeness this fine Monday, Ross!

Hey kids, if Ross isn’t your cup of tea, don’t worry, there’s a whole Seduction Community out there! Maybe Neil Strauss or Mystery is more your speed?