We have it on good authority that an animated “Kat” is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol’s 9th season! The “story” broke on Twitter (a free social networking and micro-blogging service for 12 year old girls and lonely middle age men) Tuesday night!
Paula “tweeted” some incoherent nonsense filled with numbers and symbols that we couldn’t make heads or tails of….luckily, 7th grader and regular Fetish Fridays reader, Cynthia Wheeler (age 12), was able to decipher the drunken text-based post by the former Mrs. Estevez.
“It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.
We here at Awesomeness couldn’t be more thrilled about the exciting new opportunities that could be opening up for both Paula and American Idol!
I don’t know about y’all but, we’ve got our fingers crossed for a “almost 50 and still sexy” PaulaPlayboy pictorialand a celebrity sex tape scandal involving MC Skat Kat and Kara DioGuardi…
But until then, let’s watch this “awesome” video from American Idol’s new judge:
I’m not one of those guys that tolerates Romantic Comedies just to keep his wife off his back…or the guy that has to suffer through anotherChick Flick so he can finally get “his turn” picking the dvd on movie night.
I sincerely like rom coms.
There, I said it….and I’m not even embarrassed or anything.
That being said, what the fuck was up withHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?
The movie itself was okay-ish…a little long at 2 hours and 9 minutes…not great, but certainly not as fucking horrible as FAILURE TO LAUNCH (seriously, FTL is so bad it has become the Measuring Stick Of Total Fail for all romantic comedies viewed in Casa Canacorn).
Sure, he’s a competent director…and he obviously knows funny…but I’m convinced he’s just not that into hot chicks.
I know you’re all, “Wait a gosh durn minute, Canacorn! That movie is chock a block full of hot tail! Look at the cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Drew even though she’s a bit crooked faced Barrymore! Are you blind?”
No, I’m not blind…but about halfway through the movie I was convinced that the costume designer and the entire hair and makeup department must have been.
And then it hit me…it’s not their fault…it’s the director’s. He must ultimately shoulder the blame of being a total boner killer in what should have been a full on boner party in my pants area.
Look, it’s not like I expected a fucking flesh parade or anything, but the fashion prudery that was on display in this movie was a serious insult to my flaccid genitalia.
Would it kill somebody if these gals exposed a wrist or shoulder, for Christ’s sake?
The words dowdy, boring, drab and bland kept coming to mind.
And when we get some pops of color it’s all sky blue and orange with a splash of gray….WTF? Not only is the impact of this color combination tragic and uninspired…but I’m pretty sure that’s a fleece jacket from the 1980s.
Poor Ginnifer Goodwin got it the worst…I was convinced she must have been afflicted with some sort of erythematous maculopapular rash since she spent 95% of the film completely covered…they should have thrown a burqa on that bitch and called it a fucking day.
Another gripe I have with Mr. Kwapis and his obvious disdain for the female form was his excessive use of shooting the girls from the waist up. Did they even have legs? Were they wearing form fitting skirts? Tulip? Bubble? A-Line? Pencil? Who fucking knows?
And I’m no foot fetishist, but where were the goddamn shoes? Didn’t SEX AND THE CITY teach us anything about the importance of female footwear in cinema?
The only exception was Busy Phillips…she may have only had 10 minutes of screen time, but she made the best of it by flashing her beautiful wrists and stunning cleavage in a smart and simple little black dress.
You just can’t go wrong with that….am I right or am I right, Dr. Cosmo?
Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly’s room and read her journal?
And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare’s hair in her journal?
I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandon…again…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.
Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.
And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.
You heard me! It’s a pornlessFetish Fridays here at Awesomeness this week. (This is a lie…there will be one porn pic at the very end of this post.)
I know, I know, I’m totally killing my 400 plus views a day by leaving out the heaving hooters, the slippery snatches, and the cream filled cocks, but sometimes even I need a break.
But don’t worry too much…you know Canacorn always delivers…
…and today I bring you some “Fist-Pumping Rawk-n-Roll For All Three Sexes!”!
Have you heard about a little band from Austin called…wait for it…
Tranny plus Danzig, y'all!
I mean, how could I resist? As soon as a buddy pointed out their flyer to me, I just knew Tranzig deserved a mention on Awesomeness…and FF seemed like the perfect spot for a transgendered Danzig cover band.
Am I right or am I right?
Unfortunately, Tranzig (Jesus, I laugh every time I type it) doesn’t have any videos up…soooooo, I had to find another band somewhat similar to Tranzig that did…you know, just to round out this post.
I can’t just leave y’all with a FF that only has one pic of a flyer and a link to a tranny Danzig MySpace page.
I mean, I already cut out the porn (Once again, this is a lie. Just scroll down to the end of the post for your beloved porn), y’all deserve a little more.
Like…an all gay tribute to Black Flag! They’re called…wait for it…
An absolutely FABULOUS tribute to Black Flag!
Oh man…these boys are too much! They’re even gayer than Black Flag was when Henry Rollins fronted the band!
I’ll let Liberace and Bugger explain:
Nice. Now how about a song?
Now that was awesome!
Okay, okay…I can tell you guys are getting restless…and you’re ready for your promised porn…
Careful what you wish for…
Click the pic for a closer look...
See, it’s a panel from some comic where a shemale Elvira has been arrested by a shemale cop for practicing witchcraft. Seems like she cast a spell “morphing” her “beautiful nipples” into “giant cocks“…which is totally illegal under section 13.5 A of the County Witchcraft Provision! And her punishment is a severe “cock fucking” with an UltraQuip 24 in. rubber grip, side handle police baton “all the way down to her balls“…wow…really? WTF?
Every Monday I head on over to The House Of Self-Indulgence to see what music videos Yum-Yum has hand picked to tickle my visual, vestibular, auditory and proprioceptive inputs.
And yesterday there were two songs by two ladies that tickled my pinks and blacks!
First, my pinks:
Listen to a couple more of Renee’s sweet and quirky songs on her MySpace page.
Now, my blacks:
Hey, waddayaknow, Geneva’s got her dark and slutty songs up on her MySpace thingy too!
Wouldn’t it be cool if these two stone foxes were sisters and you were best friends with their brother? I mean, imagine all the boners you would get just being in the same room with one of them, and then imagine all the boners your boners would get if they were in the same room at the same time?!
But did we get to see him? Oh no, my friends! The stupid show ran long…soooooo, I can only guess what Supergay performed…
Let’s see…according to the internets, he’s either 26 or 27…that puts his DOB at 1982 or 1983…
Okay…think, Canacorn, think!
The other contestants bored the shit out of you with tracks by Ben E. King, Don Henley, Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper, Survivor, Stevie Wonder, and Bonnie fucking Raitt…so it only makes sense that Supergay would up the ante and bring some entertainment and maybe a bit of humor to the proceedings…
But it has to be a song that would really wow the judges…
I got it!
Alright, I’ll cover my bases here and go with a song that was recorded in 1982 and released in 83.
It’s a a light, humorous depiction of the frustrations of being an illegal immigrant in the US…but since it’s a satire, no one should be offended…even if Supergay sings it with a mock-Mexican accent dressed in a huge sombrero and serape, complete with a giant fake mustache and a cute chihuahua in his arms.
So, my guess for Adam “Supergay” Lambert’s Song From The Year They Were Born is none other than…
Man, am I a genius or what? Wait….he sang Mad World….oh, that kinda’ makes more sense.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you a brief update on Kenley Collins.
I know, I know, we’re at the end of Pam Grier Week, but this just makes me so happy…
So, if you haven’t heard by now, my most favorite jerk to ever grace my tee vee screen with her giant teeth and retro hair was arrested on Wednesday and charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon.
And get this…the weapon in question was her fucking cat.
“Project Runway” finalist Kenley Collins was arrested today after assaulting her fiance with their cat, authorities said today.
After throwing the feline, a laptop computer, and three apples at Zak Penley, Collins, 26, was charged with assault and criminal possession of a weapon.
“It was a miscommunication,” Collins told The Post after getting released without bail from Brooklyn Supreme Court yesterday morning.
“Fights happen, And that’s that. There is no case.”
According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.
She threw three apples, and doused him with water, before he was able to dial 911.
“You’re lucky, it could have been worse,” Collins told Penley after the blow, according to sources.
Collins and Penley, an artist and musician who penned a song called “CAT?” for her Project Runway finale, were to be married in October.
Nice, huh? What the story neglects to mention is that Zak Penley is a pussy (no pun intended).
We have it on good authority that an animated “Kat” is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol’s 9th season! The “story” broke on Twitter (a free social networking and micro-blogging service for 12 year old girls and lonely middle age men) Tuesday night!
“It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.
Okay, look…
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you a brief update on 
