The Dirty Secret Of Waterloo Records

What the fuck is that smell? Where is it coming from? Is it me? No it can’t be..wanna know why? Here’s a real quick Canacorn fun fact: I don’t stink. Seriously, I have no body odor. Just ask The Wife. It’s true….I don’t even have to wear deodorant. Weird, huh?

Anyway, back to that fucking smell….oh look, it’s the refrigerator at work. Now that The Wife doesn’t work at the record store anymore, who’s gonna’ clean it out? There’s about 90 of us here, why won’t anyone man-up and clean this OPERATION WHITECOAT inspired diarrhea factory?

Alright, that’s it! I’ll do it.

So, the first rule for cleaning out the Waterloo fridge is: ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE WARNING THE EMPLOYEES THAT THEIR ROTTING LEFTOVERS WILL BE UNCEREMONIOUSLY THROWN IN THE GARBAGE.

The best part about my note…as I was writing it, a fellow employee said, “Oh great. I was wondering when someone was going to do this.”

Don’t worry kids, you still have a Canacorn to lean on to do your dirty work!

So, what’s inside the Waterloo fridge? Let’s take a looksee.

What’s the worse thing that could happen?

Well, it’s been worse. Let’s get a little closer.

Seriously? You guys super suck. But what is that smell?!


Gah! That stinks…but it’s not quite right.


Bleh! That’s the one!


Hey, boners , next time somebody else is going to have to do this! Oh, who am I kidding? I’m the only employee around here that doesn’t enjoy wallowing in their own shit.


This is the “food” that some of my illustrious employees will complain about being thrown away….obviously, they are junior Mycologists and I’m some sort of senior asshole.

And now the note to let my little piggies know what has happened.

What’s a Performance Bonus, you ask. Well, it’s some sort of elusive monetary reward promised to Waterloovians for going above and beyond their normal duties at work….and it’s something I still have yet to receive. No surprises there. You’re welcome.

Jason Heller And I Just Don’t Agree…

Hey kids, what’s up with stuff? I know it’s been a while since I’ve talked about any of my recent record purchases…that’s because I haven’t picked up any new vinyls in a few weeks and I’m sitting on quite a hefty backlog that needs some blogging about.

Soooo, let’s talk The Sword…or as I like to call them, THE “S” WORD! No, not like “shit”…It’s a joke around the record store…one of our employees actually thought the band’s name was THE “S” WORD….groan…welcome to Waterloo, where some employees don’t know shit about shit…

This little guy was limited to 1,000 pieces and I picked one up.

Fire Lances of the Ancient Hyperzephyrians 10″ picture disc!

Wow, check the super sweet art of GEOFF KERN! Man, I need to buy a van and get Mr. Kern to customize the shit out of it toot sweet!

Then there’s the sophomore release by the Demigod’s of Metal: GODS OF THE EARTH

I loved this record as much as AGE OF WINTERS…but one guy totally disagrees with me. His name is Jason Heller…and he pulls no punches.

Here’s Jason Heller’s review of the new Sword LP:

For all intents and purposes, The Sword’s Gods Of The Earth is the exact same album as its predecessor, Age Of Winters. That isn’t a good thing. Like the group’s debut, Gods sounds like a botched retelling of a bad joke about heavy metal. Every moldy riff can be smelled from miles away, and each battleaxe-and-wizard-littered image is lifted wholesale from the side of a ’70s custom van. Of course, there’s a thin line between having fun and poking fun—but it’s never clear where The Sword is coming from. Sadly, it seems likely that these guys take what they do seriously. When did mythic quests and thunderous battles become so quotidian and inconsequential? How can cranking everything to 11 produce such a whimper? With metal-scavenging bands like Big Business and Saviours currently stalking the earth with far more brute force and riff-wielding instinct, The Sword feels dull. In spite of a few points for basic competency—the band deserves at least a little credit for figuring out how to hold their guitars with the strings facing the right way—Age Of Winters comes off as the soundtrack to a particularly lame tactical RPG. Final Fantasy? If only.

A.V. Club Rating: D+

OUCH! Well, I may not agree with Mr. Heller, but I have to admit, I did enjoy his review….and that’s because I haven’t lost my ironic appreciation of irony…or whatever.

“S” WORD….shit or gold?

Pa Pa Pants Man!

Well, this was new to me….I can’t possibly be bothered being the first guy to find something funny on the interweb….so if you’ve already seen it, move along…if not, ENJOY!

Thanks, ROBOTMAN.(the blog)

What Did I Say About Putting Clothes On Animals?!

Christ….The Wife has lost her God damned mind.

Go HERE and see the horror.

That’s What You Get When You Go Trespassing In Fucking Burma!

Last week, The Wife and I sat down to a lovely evening of dinner and a movie…dinner was consumed in our usual 10 minutes, the kitchen was cleaned, the lights dimmed, and then…the film:

That’s right, fellow Americans, it’s RAMBO TIME!

Ahhhhh, JOHN RAMBO…80s icon, freaky HGH-case, and all around interweb darling. I’m sure you’ve already heard everything you ever needed to hear about the latest installment in the Rambo franchise, but I’m going to bore you anyway….

First off, The Wife actually fell asleep during the final 20 minutes of bloody carnage! Can you believe it?! Don’t worry, I made her watch the gruesome end the next day, but seriously…she…fell…asleep to the soothing sounds of a 50 caliber human slayer…now that’s a commitment to sleeping.

Before The Wife drifted off to la-la-land she made some great observations about the film:

1) “If the giant crazy guy that lives in the jungle tells you to go home, you should go home.”

2) “We never watch movies like this.” To which I replied, “They don’t make movies like this….not even in the 70s.”

3) After the, oh I don’t know, eighth totally fucked up, horrible, no good thing the Burmese military did…”I get it! They’re bad!”

4) “The word ATROCITY keeps popping into my head.”

5) “This is brutal…This is like a snuff film…I feel dirty.”

6) ****Possible spoiler**** “Why didn’t Rambo take off his shirt?”

7) “I wish Frank Stallone wrote the theme song.” And the she proceeded to sing a beautiful impromptu Frank-style song about Rambo…God, I love this woman!

Anyway, I thought RAMBO was great…and not just in a cheesy, big dumb way….there was something more to it…something intense. And I’m not just talking about the 7 confirmed child kills in one scene alone. But what was it really? What darkness lurks in Sly’s puzzle box of a mind? There was only one way to find out…TO THE DIRECTOR’S COMMENTARY!

The following quotes (in BOLD) are right from Sly’s lips to my ears to your eyes..and I’ll paraphrase a couple of things as well….don’t worry, there a ton of great sound bites from Sly that I won’t ruin for you commentary watchers out there….here’s a few I found entertaining.

The actual war footage at the beginning was to set the tone of JOHN RAMBO and educate us about the plight of the Burmese people…just a note, he actually removed the more graphic scenes so we wouldn’t be distracted once the movie started!

Sly mentions at least 4 different times throughout the film that he was trying to not be “too heavy handed” or “too over the top” since this was “not a fantasy film.”

Discussing Michael Burnett’s freak out after Rambo slaughters 5 Burmese pirates in less than 1 minute…”[There’s] nothing worse than being ungrateful after someone kills five pirates for you.

I seriously confirmed SEVEN child kills in the village raid scene…I know, you think there was only six, but look closely…in the background there…what the…yep, it’s a child skewered on a fucking bayonet! Boo-ya! Seven!

One of my favorite quotes was, “The majority of the violence…was plausible.

Explaining the gratuitous throat stabbing…”It’s just not that simple to kill a man.” And you know what, he’s fucking right. Have you ever watched some of those reenactments on AMERICA’S MOST WANTED?

Sly on The Human Slayer, “[This is the] first time you see what a real 50 caliber can do to a human body…It vaporizes the body.”

Oh, when Rambo rips that would be rapist’s throat out with his bare hands, Sly told me, “It’s almost a sensual thing…Like it’s a sexual frustration on Rambo’s part.

And the final two best quotes about JOHN RAMBO:

If you can’t be great, let’s be truthful.

He’s (Rambo) a solitary man…Now you know…Now you know.

Pretty cool huh? Just to make The Wife’s dreams come true…I present a FRANK STALLONE song for RAMBO 4!

I LOVE YOU, WIFE!AND JOHN RAMBO….and you too, Frank.

Things I Decided Today

Wouldn’t the SEX IN THE CITY movie be better if Shane, Taylor Hayes, Alisha Klass, and Mari Possa were the stars? Seriously…

A sensuous and ironic movie about four oldish, (but strangely) still desirable, virtually inseparable, anal queens who lead and confide in each-other their ever changing and confusing sex lives, as different as their natures.

Cinematic gold.

Not sure who I’m talking about, youngster….careful with Googling those names….

Two For Tuesdays


The best rapper ever who rocked an eyepatch…

I think it’s time for a double shot of Slick Rick to celebrate his recent pardon. I know you guys have heard Children’s Story and La Di Da Di a million times so here’s a couple you might not have heard in a while.

TEENAGE LOVE

Holee shit..did you see the size of Big Daddy Kane‘s ring?!

Sorry no video for Canacorn favorite…

LICK THE BALLS

What? You want more? Oh alright…I’ll do the work for you and provide the link for Treat Her Like A Prostitue…just don’t tell your mother.

…and your bonus video link is Slick Rick with OutkastDA ART OF STORYTELLIN’. Who likes puppets!?