Man-Up Mondays!

Another Monday…who’s it gonna’ be today?

I usually spotlight an actor in these posts, but today I’m getting all artsy on your asses. You might be surprised to learn that I am a man who appreciates the finer things in life…painting, sculpture, dance, theater, architecture, printmaking, and fetish photography!

Don’t go getting all weirded out…this isn’t going to be some post about Klismaphilia videos or Urolagnia photos, but something more sensuous and a little more family friendly…but if you’re so inclined…peep here and here for a walk on the wild side.

Whenever in interview a model, I first inspect her legs
from the tip of her toes to the top of her hose.
” -Elmer Batters (1919 -1997)

Ever hear of Elmer Batters? He takes the type of photos I can appreciate…why waste my time looking at Adams’ Monolith when I can feast my eyes on this:

Mr. Batters had an eye for the ladies, I’ll tell you what…but not just any part of the ladies, oh no…Mr. Batters was a leg man all the way. I can respect a man for having such a singular vision. He kept it classy but he also knew how to make his photos a little bit trashy too.

See? Just a touch of trash…enough to keep up with the other Joe’s increasingly risqué (if not downright pornographic) photographs….for a while. The shift to more hardcore images in the men’s magazine industry forced Elmer out for a while…but in the 80s, Leg Show magazine republished his work, introducing him to a younger audience and rekindling the imaginations of the older generation. You can see his influence in the works of Eric Kroll, Ed Fox, and Johnny Jaan along with countless imitators….but know this…Elmer is and was the best!

Be sure to hunt down a copy of FROM THE TIP OF THE TOES TO THE TOP OF THE HOSE (Tashen)…I got mine years ago at Half Price Books for only $30.00! I think it’s a little more pricey nowadays…

Growing Up And Liking It…And Then Dealing With It.

Good to know…even if I’m just a boy.

And after you know all about that stuff…you need to know this stuff:

Right on, Alexyss! Come on guys, buy a lady some shrimp before you give her a mouth / rectum full of sperm! Respect!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

We interrupt the awesomeness for a true life story (which could be considered boring to some)…

A few weeks ago I opened the blinds in my bedroom to see this:

What the fuck? When did that happen? How come we didn’t even hear it come crashing down? Well, I don’t have the answers to those questions, but I am thankful the damn thing didn’t smash into our bedroom, our back fence, or the neighbor’s house.

So, no insurance hassles…that’s good. Now we just have to call a tree service since my electric chainsaw is not up to the job…neither is my lazy ass for that matter.

This is really gonna’ cramp my style this weekend. I had planned on writing up to four reviews for Gorillanaut, but that just ain’t happening. Once the tree guys remove the broken hackberry tree and nine other smaller hackberrys The Wife and I will have a ton of work to do in the backyard for sure.

See? It’s pretty damn big.

But back to the other nine trees…First off, that’s a whole bunch of trees to chop down…way to help the environment, Canacorn’s! But, the hackberry is a “junk” tree…nothing more than a giant weed that will grow too tall to sustain itself and eventually come crashing down on our new deck, smashing it into useless lumber.

Well, that’s what the tree guy says anyway…and we just didn’t want to take the chance. Remove the potentially deck damaging trees that run along our side fence! Be gone, bastard weed-trees!

Great idea….So now, were stuck with this lovely view of our neighbor’s rental house:

Groan…..all we wanted in our backyard was some privacy and some shade. The trees provided both…but now we have none. This really sucks. As you can see, my lawn is super dead…so why even call it a lawn? Okay, good point…I have a dirt pit…a hot, dirty, dusty, ugly, sham of a backyard. Welcome to Texas, where it’s already one hundred fucking degrees and climbing! There’s no use in throwing down some sod or even planting some nice shrubs to provide some privacy…The Wife has a plan to throw up some bamboo rolls along the fence for a temporary solution to the privacy issue. Sounds good…it will look like crap, but at least we won’t have the renter’s next door dead eyeing us every time we step outside.

This weekend will be spent cleaning up THE BIG UGLY…that’s what I’m officially naming the backyard for now. I guess I just have to look at it like a phase 1 of a project…you know, when you start painting a room or whatever and it looks like shit at first, but then it slowly starts coming together and before you know it….TA-DAAAA! BEAUTIFUL PERFECTION!

But for now, it’s just THE BIG UGLY.

Be sure to head on over to The Wife’s blog (look on the blogroll on the right…heading: The Wife) on Monday for more of the story…

Stag: A Test Of Love

Man, this whole Infidelity Fridays seemed like a good idea a few weeks ago…but do you know how hard it is to find great clips of Cheaters on YouTube?

I know, it should be super easy! Turns out….not so much.

The Wife was right when she said I’d never top the first clip I posted…What to do? I can’t just leave you vultures hanging….

Oh, I know! Ever hear of STAG: A TEST OF LOVE?

Peep this:

Oh man, what have we become? Exploiting human pain and misery…Finding joy in heartbreak and despair…

Maybe I should just post videos of kids kicking each other in the nuts?

Lover’s Spat….

So, the other night The Wife and I started watching THE STAIRCASEoh, wait…don’t tell me how it ends! We haven’t finished it yet…anyway, it’s totally fucking awesome and all that.

Now when I’m watching something I get all obsessive and talk about it at great lengths in a very excitable manner…lots of loud talking, wild gesticulations, acting out scenes…seriously, I get all hyper and weird…but I’m a pretty good verbal storyteller (I’m Irish), so it’s a ton of fun…for me.

Anyway, my buddy, Jon, recommended this mini-series so I felt the need to fill him in on where I was at in the story…this involves me retelling the entire first two episodes to the poor guy who’s already seen the damn thing…but he’s cool with it…he knows how I am. This is what he looks like:

Hello, boys!

Just to refresh your memory…this is me:

I love me some meat in my mouth!

So were outside of work (oh, real quick, he works at our sister video store) and I’m going all crazy-nuts about the show and I get to the part when the lawyer starts grilling his client to prepare him for the prosecution’s assault. The lawyer starts asking the guy about his gay affairs and the guy’s all talking around the subject so his lawyer starts yelling, “Did you give him a blowjob? Did you give him a blowjob?!

You got the part where we’re outside…in public..and I get very loud and excitable, right? Okay, so I’m all up in Jon’s face, practically stabbing him in the eye with my index finger, screaming about blowjobs when a young lady sipping a frappuccino walks by…you see where this is going now? Good.

So she says, “Oh my!” like she can’t even help herself and walks away real quick like from the bear and his cub’s little lover’s spat.

Nice, huh? I yelled after her that I was talking about a tee vee show, but she just gave me a “Yeah, right,” and hotfooted it away from the crazy gay guys fighting about blowjobs.

Oh well…I hope she had a good story to tell for the rest of her day…I know I did.

Two For Tuesdays

You know, I don’t believe Summer has really started until you open up all the windows, crack a tall cold one, and put some ZZ TOP on the stereo….

I know you’re thinking, “Oh, I can’t wait to watch a video for Cheap Sunglasses and La Grange, but knowin’ ol’ Corny, he’s probably gonna’ hit me up with Rough Boy or some such nonsense.

Close, but no cigar! How ’bout:



It’s Summer, let’s party, Texas style!!!

Final Girl Film Club Presents: LIFEFORCE

Well, well, well, look at me, participating in some sort of “big cyber caring circle“…I guess it’s better than playing a round of Ookie Cookie!

This is what’s doin’…Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl has created a film club. We all watch the same movie then post a review or whatever on our blogs or websites on the same day and link over to her site. She does the same and then we all geek out together through the tubes of the internet!

So today, let’s share our thoughts on LIFEFORCE!


I know you’re all excited about Space Vampires, and you should be, but we’re talking Tobe Hooper, not Vorvon, kids.

I haven’t watched LIFEFORCE in over a decade, so I was a little worried how it would hold up. Sure, sure, there’s a hot naked space vampire running around, but was the movie itself any good? Tobe was riding high (on the coattails of Stephen Spielberg) thanks to Poltergiest so I’m sure it wasn’t too hard to secure a three picture deal with Cannon. He somehow managed to fuck his whole career up though…but who knew COCOON was gonna’ be such a big hit and that remaking INVADERS FROM MARS was a stupid idea?

Working from a book by Colin Wilson, Dan O’ Bannon and Don Jakoby came up with a nifty script melding science fiction and horror…Honestly, I’ve never been a big fan of vampire movies (especially the whole gay vampire thing Anne Rice forced the horror community into), but the idea of naked space vampires causing a zombie-vampire epidemic across the pond was pretty damn awesome in my opinion. So, as I ramble on about LIFEFORCE you can enjoy some screenshots I took while watching the film.

Hey, my eyes are up here, pal.

Oh, real quick, if you thought you were going to see a naked space vampire here, you can turn back now. Jesus, you’re all the same…just Google “Lifeforce” or “Mathilda May” and you’ll see all the boobs you want, perv. Sheesh

EEEEWWWWW……1,000s of dead man-bats in the creepy space-vagina.

The cast was pretty strong..we have Steve Railsback….man, what a cool name…Railsback….Railsback…..Railsback…you know, I think that’s going to be my new mantra from now on…anyway, Steve Railsback (Helter Skelter) gives the sweatiest performance this side of Harry Dean Stanton as the tortured hero…Peter Firth (Equus) is the cool as ice, but tough as nails SAS man…Frank Finlay (Count Dracula 1977) is the silver haired doctor looking for life after death…and Patrick Stewart (Excalibur) is the unlucky host for Space Girl, Mathilda May (uh….Lifeforce). Pretty solid, huh? They all do a fine job sweating, shouting, shooting, and well…walking around naked (sorry, nerd-ladies, Mr. Stewart keeps his clothes on) and playing the whole thing super straight.

This is it, kids….that’s the closest you’ll come to seeing space boobs.

The Fx were pleasing to my 35 year old eyes…very old school 80s stuff…Swirling lights, zombie makeup, a head shot, bullet wounds, exploding cars, full body burns, a severed arm (that’s still alive!), cool space floating around zero-g action, and a monstrous man-bat. You know, I can’t tell you how sick I am of all the damn CGI George Lucas and his little toadies have shoved down our throats for the past decade! Way to improve films, guys. What happened to you, Hollywood? Huh? What happened?! For shame, putting all those puppets and midgets out of work…for shame! Lucky for us, Lucas defector, John Dykstra and his team whipped up some computer effects and weren’t afraid to use puppets or real explosions (sorry, no midgets)!

Moisten lips, Angle your head, Close your eyes, Go slow…

I remembered the first half of the film pretty well, but once the Space Girl started jumping into other bodies and then Patrick Stewart showed up, well, it was like watching a whole new movie. Maybe I changed the channel once the nudity slowed down thirteen years ago or got forced into watching Cocoon with my mom, but whatever the reason, I’m glad I watched the whole film this time.

Puppets! I demand more puppets!

There were all sorts of cool ideas in this flick…the giant organic space vampire ship, the “geometric chain reaction” of space vampirism spreading through London, keeping Mathilda naked for 95% of the movie, the old timey sword that comes out of nowhere…did I mention the puppets? Tobe did a fine job directing and I was totally engrossed the entire time. I think LIFEFORCE gets some sort of bad rap, but it was waaaaay better than the snooze-fest that was the first STAR TREK movie and DRACULA 2000 put together. I say give it a chance if you haven’t seen it…but don’t just take my word for it, hop on over to FINAL GIRL and see what everyone else has to say!

Reports of my assimilation have been greatly exaggerated….BLAUGH!

Anyway, this was a fun little experiment…all of us getting together and watching the same movie. I really can’t wait to see what everyone else has written so I can hone my skills for the next Film Club Stacie bestows upon us.

One last image…..

Uh, this just gets a simple, “FUCK YEAH!”

UPDATE, Y’ALL!!! 6/24/2008

Things I learned reading 22 reviews (so far) of LIFEFORCE:

1) A whole bunch of us used the same if not similar screenshots…which is kinda’ cool in a weird uni-mind kinda’ way.

2) Some people don’t dig on Railsback….Railsback…Railsback….I think they’re nuts.

3) This movie was way gayer than I even imagined (gay in a good way)…and I imagine stuff to be pretty damn gay most of the time.

4) There was a naked space girl/vampire in the movie.

5) Tobe Hooper most definitely did not direct Poltergeist.

6) There was some dude from Dr. Who in it….the people who pointed this fact out are indeed Super Nerds!

7) One review was in French…I don’t read French, but I bet it was similar to the rest of the reviews…except Frenchy-er.