Sex In The Theater

No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking…what kind of blog do you think I’m running here anyway? Wait…don’t answer that.

Anyway, last night The Wife and I went to see the SEX AND THE CITY movie. First off, I really don’t understand the venomous backlash against the show and the little popcorn flick it spawned. I mean, really, it’s just a movie, what did it ever do to you? And what’s with the folks who hate it but have never even seen a single episode? I get not liking a show, but usually I at least try and watch an episode or three before totally writing it off as horribly annoying (I’m looking at you GILMORE GIRLS…Christ, is Lorelai capable of ever shutting the fuck up?!)

But that’s not really what I want to bitch about today. It’s the people. The people that I have to share the world with. Here’s a Canacorn fun fact: I hate people. There I said it. I really do. Why do they all have to suck? Oh, not you guys…just the rest of ’em. Maybe it’s because of the decades I’ve spent working retail…or maybe it’s just because they suck? Who knows?

So, what happened? Well, The Wife and I went to our favorite theater, The Alamo Drafthouse, to catch an early evening showing…great idea, right? A Tuesday night…the movie’s been out forever…it should be dead in there…which means little to no annoying others in the theater with us, right? Wrong. The place filled up quickly and everyone wanted to sit right next to us on the back row. The worst of them decided to sit next to me…he had an interesting odor…kind of like dirty laundry and b.o. smothered in some kind of musk. A delightful smell (that’s sarcasm in case you didn’t catch it) to accompany my delicious (not sarcasm) SMOKEY AND THE BACON sandwich (BLT $7.99 LETTUCE, TOMATO AND HEAPS OF PEPPERED, SMOKED BACON, SERVED ON SOURDOUGH WITH CHIPOTLE MAYO).

At first we thought he was alone, but he was shortly joined by another male (I’m not sure what his scent was…but judging from his buddy, I’m guessing smegma with a hint of boiled cabbage). Despite the smell I was relieved that they were a gay couple…but I was wrong. I know, I really have to stop with all the sweeping generalizations…but we were at SEX IN THE CITY, what was I supposed to think about two guys seeing this movie together?!

I guess IRON MAN was totally sold out along with THE INCREDIBLE HULK, GET SMART, HANCOCK, INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, KUNG FU PANDA, WALL-E, and even the DIONYSIUM thingy…cause these dudes were dudes…except that they were in the fucking SEX IN THE CITY movie!

The smelly one laughed at all the most inappropriate moments (like when Big totally shafted Carrie at the alter or when Steve cheated on Miranda totally fucking up their marriage…oh, those are spoilers…um..disregard if you haven’t seen this movie yet…even though I’m 99.9% sure that the people who read Awesomeness are not going to watch SITC: THE MOVIE). Where was I? Oh, the smelly guy had some big guffaws every time something bad and/or sad happened. But that wasn’t the worst of it…..

So Mr. Stinky McFuckface crosses his legs (dude style) and plops his flip flop havin’ man-foot right next to me…then he proceeds to give himself some kind of aggressive mannish foot massage practically in my fucking lap! What the fuck is his problem?! Goddammit…this I don’t need. I’m trying to watch Samantha eat her way out of cheating on Smith and this guy is going to town on his sore heel with his fried pickle-y fingers! He really worked on that one foot for over 30 fucking minutes…groan

After the movie I had to pee super bad (a bucket of Lone Star beer will do that to a guy) and who’s at the urinal next to me? You guessed it…Stinky McFoot Rubber! Now he’s pissin’ away and ripping multiple farts as he talks to his buddy at the other urinal.

“How long ago was this show on?” PPPPPPFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

“They sure looked old.” PPPFFFTTT……..PHRAP……..PPPPPFFFFTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

I hope you get prostate cancer and die alone, you smelly piece of shit!

Sorry….I get a little worked up sometimes….

Thanks for listening.

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