One Witch And A Zombi

Chaos 1978-86

Wicked Witch: Chaos 1978-86

Okay Boners, let’s take a break from all the pornography for a few posts and talk about one of my other loves…VINYL.

As some of y’all know, Mr. Canacorn is a bona fide LP junkie..and I’ve been on a record buying tear the past couple of weeks. So, for the next couple of days I’d though I’d share my most recent purchases with the faithful readers of Awesomeness.

First up is Wicked Witch: Chaos 1978-86. I bought this one for the cover alone…I mean, how could this not be awesome, right? We’ve got a brother decked out in his best “Saturday Night Out” black leather and spikes ensemble complete with a fucking hunting knife strapped to his boot! Dear Black people, why don’t y’all dress like this anymore? The leather, fox tails, cowboy hats, space suits, body paint….Christ, what the fuck happened to you, man? Shit, your ass used to be beautiful!

Anyway, you can read a review of Chaos at Dusted Magazine right HERE or just read my take on it:

The music on this record could very well be the soundtrack to that night where I was chloroformed at a urinal in an after hours gay club while partying with John Larroquette and Jeffrey Jones way back in 1982. I remember waking up in a seedy basement wearing nothing but a Marilyn Monroe wig, Minnetonka Moccasins, and a dirty French toile drop-cup nursing nightgown, covered in some sort of something I could only describe as an incompressible Newtonian fluid. What happened for the next 48 hours was similar to a ketamine inspired fever dream of ickyness. Sure, it was all kind of creepy, but possibly the best weekend I’ve ever had. Wicked Witch is dirty electro-funk for the adventurous at its best!” -Mr. C

Cosmos

Zombi: Cosmos

Next up is Cosmos by prog-rockers and the bastard children of Goblin and John Carpenter circa 1980, Zombi.

Joe (from the New Worlds Fair blog) and Finner (of the awesome Baron Grod) have been all over these dudes since this record came out in 2004.

I’ve heard them off and on for the past 5 years but never got around to picking up any of their stuff until now. Why? I have no idea. This duo is making music that is so far up my alley I can taste last night’s dinner…seriously, if you’ve been jonesing for a long lost soundtrack to some obscure 80s Italian thriller this is the band for you. They even have a new record coming out this year called Spirit Animal so you have no reason to not get your Zombi on!

Oh, and they’re from PITTSBURGH…not sure why that matters? Watch some more movies.

Fetish Fridays! Dolphins And Dildos Edition

Here I go, deep type flow. Jacques Cousteau could never get this low.

Here I go, deep type flow. Jacques Cousteau could never get this low.

Well hey now, what have we here?

Do you guys remember when you first got on the internet? Gosh, I sure do.

Was it just me or did y’all spend hour after hour looking for the weirdest crap you could possibly think of? I know this won’t surprise you about me, but I spent a lot of time looking for….um…how do I put this? Um…Erotica…I was looking for erotica on the tubes of the internet back in the 90s.

And boy, did I find some.

And since I don’t have much time to dedicate to FF this week I’m gonna’ treat y’all to a couple of old internet favorites of mine.

Now, some of you curious types have probably wondered about the feasibility of fucking or being fucked by a dolphin…and I’m sure only the more internet savvy types among you ever found this web page:

Sex with Dolphins – “How To”, and a Personal Viewpoint…by Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn September, 1996

Remember Dragon-wolfe‘s awe inspiring Q and A at the beginning? It was where he addressed the most important questions about having sex with a dolphin…like:

How do I know if a dolphin wants to have sex? (Just look for that 10 to 14 inch Bottle-nose erection, silly!)

What diseases can I get from dolphins? Can I give them any? (It’s “best to be clean” so be sure to wash with a “Betadine surgical scrub” before getting all intimate.)

Is their any way I can invite a dolphin to be masturbated? (Well don’t go racing straight to their genital slits…dolphins like it slow and easy…”rub along their bellies, between their pectoral fins, along the navel, and every once in a while, over the genital slit.” Yeah…slow…and…easy…)

And then, after the Q and A, Dragon-wolfe hits us with his very own story of how how became a Delphinic Zoophile. It’s pretty good, but I sure wish he’d spill on his first lover…you know, the one that was “brutally killed in an act of sensless violence that I will never forgive, or forget.

Seriously…go read it…it will blow your mind.

Now let’s say all this dolphin hanky panky has got you all worked up, but you don’t have any access to some hot, swingin’ marine mammals. Never fear! Mr. Canacorn is here to help!

Highly recommended and a personal favorite

Highly recommended and a personal favorite

I proudly present to you….

The Delphinus Delight Dildo by Zetacreations!

For only $60 bucks (plus shipping) you could be the satisfied owner of a dildo shaped like a dolphin’s penis.

Nice, huh?

You know, they don’t just make dolphin dildos at Zetacreations…oh no, my friends….they have a whole menagerie of animal dildos!

And even better…they have dildos like Woof’s Toy! Here’s the description:

Here we have a toy modeled after a cross between a human and a wolf cock. It is what you would see if an anthro wolf winked at you and pulled down a tight pair of spandex, showing you his fully erect and throbbing cock. He is also graced with a large set of balls 🙂 The dimensions are 1 1/2″ across the tip, 1 1/4″ taper behind the head to 2″ at the knot 7 1/2″ overall useable length, and 12″ tall with a nice set of balls included. The toy pictured is in the naturalistic color for this model.

Oh my. I know, seems kind of crazy right?

Well, have you seen the Thor Dildo?

Journey Into Mystery, indeed

Journey Into Mystery, indeed

Fuck me….no way someone has inserted this into their body, right?

Well, not quite, but close enough! (<—Click for video, perv.)

When There’s No More Room In Hell…

Sometimes I really do love Austin…

Texas Dept. of Transportation officials confirm a portable traffic sign at Lamar Boulevard and West 15th Street in Austin was hacked into last week.

Texas Dept. of Transportation officials confirm a portable traffic sign at Lamar Boulevard and West 15th Street in Austin was hacked into last week.

photo by Chris Nakashima-Brown

photo by Chris Nakashima-Brown

Read more at No Fear Of The Future, The Statesman, and even Fox News

Actor. Rapper. Gaper.

Self described, REAL LADIEZ MAN, B Pumper

Self described, REAL LADIEZ MAN, B Pumper

Okay, black dudes writing rap songs about fucking hos, making cheddar, and their vocal prowess on the mic is nothing new, right?

Well, meet Brian “B” Pumper. That’s him over there on the left. I had no idea who this talented young man was until I read about him in Chris Nieratko‘s latest SKINEMA article.

It seems that B has a new dvd coming out called GAPE MAN 2…and on said dvd is an incredible hip hop track performed by B all about his ability to cause “mass ass destruction in da pink meat.”

Are you guys on board here? You do know what the gape is right?

You don’t?!

Look, I know I’ve posted some questionable material on here before, but I’m not so sure about hitting you guys up with this particular extreme porn niche.

Um, okay, how do I explain this one? You know what the definition of the word gape is. Now apply that to the human anus. It should look something like this in your mind…but more wet and inflamed looking:

 Awesome Blossom + Human Anus = What a gape looks like

Awesome Blossom + Human Anus = What a gape looks like

So wanna’ hear some of B Pumper‘s music? Me too.

Lucky for us he’s got a channel on YouTube! Here’s his video for “Fucked Ya Girl“:

I don’t know, B…it’s a little weak in the beat, rhyme, and flow areas. Sorry, B…you know what, maybe it’s just me? After reading about The Gape Man Rap none of your other songs are gonna’ cut it.

Alright, let’s do this then….here it is…I want it, you want it…click at your own risk…THE NO WAY IN HELL IS THIS VIDEO EVEN REMOTELY SAFE FOR WORK AND IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU THROW UP BUT YOU JUST CAN’T RESIST THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS THE GAPE MAN 2 RAP.

Dear God, please don’t let my mother read my blog…..

Sheeeeeeeit

I found this at Paul Sheer dot com:

sheeeeeeeit

Who knew how much fun you could have with Obamicon.Me?

Oh, The Wife did.

My Playmate

The year I was born: 1972
The month: September
The Playmate: Susan Miller

sept72

Who’s your Playmate? Thanks to a link provided by The Undead Film Critic you too can find “every Playboy Playmate of the month from 1954 to 2003” right HERE!

The Movie Soundtrack Meme

I found this meme floating around the internet this morning and figured it would make for a good time waster and an excuse to listen to some music.

So, here’s how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every section of the movie, type the song that’s playing

No cheating now…we’d all love to cherry pick the soundtrack to our movie, but you gotta’ follow the rules…

But first, how about a movie poster to go along with my soundtrack?

poster2888056

Opening Credits:You Ought To Be With MeAl Green (Nice. This song is super funky and romantic…it always makes me smile…a fine song to start a movie)

Waking Up:Charleston AlleyLambert, Hendricks, & Ross (Okay, I don’t care what anyone says, I love this group…not sure where this movie is going yet…)

First Day At School:Billion Dollar BabiesAlice Cooper (Well, we’ve certainly switched gears here…)

Falling In Love:GogomobilCarlo Montez (Sweet, this is a jazzy European instrumental number that riffs on the Neil Hefti theme from BATMAN)

Shower Scene:Frisco NightLalo Schifrin from the SUDDEN IMPACT soundtrack. (What the fuck kind of shower was that? I’m all freaked out…)

Fight Song:Wu Banga 101Ghostface Killah, GZA, Raekwon, Cappadonna, Masta Killa (I wondered when the Wu was gonna’ show up…features a sample from “Queen Of Tears” by Gladys Knight & The Pips.)

Breaking Up:Dig Boy DigFreddie Hart (Oh man, a rockabilly track…I have a past not many of y’all know about…)

Prom:FunkyAndre Brasseur (More sexy European gogo music from the 60s…Best…Prom…Ever!)

Life’s OK:Finger Of ScornCirith Ungol (FYI: the band’s name is Elvish and it means “Pass of the Spider“….Rings, bitches!)

Mental Breakdown:Hopelessly Devoted To YouOlivia Newton-John (I am kind of gay you know…)

Driving:Dats What I’m Talkin’ AboutMissy Elliott with R. Kelly (This song is all about fucking…and, um, the sex scene comes after the driving scene…I can’t wait to see what comes next…)

Sex Scene:Hall Of The Mountain KingSavatage (Okay…I really wish I could switch this one with the driving scene…)

Flashback:EmergencyDee Dee King (This is Dee Dee Ramone‘s rap record…beautiful…)

Getting Back Together:Hippa To Da HoppaOl’ Dirty Bastard (I know, I’m such a romantic…Samples “It’s A New Day” by Skull Snaps and “Sing A Simple Song” by Sly & The Family Stone)

Wedding:Slayers” from John Carpenter’s VAMPIRES The Texas Toad Lickers (I would like to imagine that this was the band playing at the wedding…know why? Here’s a list of the musicians: John Carpenter – keyboards, piano, guitar and bass, Steve “The Colonel” Cropper – guitar, Donald V.”Duck” Dunn – bass, Rick Shlosser – drums, Jeffrey “Skunk” Baxter -electronic guitar, dobro and steel pedal, Joe Robb – saxophone, Bruce Robb – Hammond B3 organ…’nuff said.)

Birth of Child:State Of IndependenceDonna Summer (Whoa…not my favorite Donna Summer…it’s a cover of a Jon Anderson (of YES) and Vangelis song…very 80s…the lyrics work though)

Death Scene:Gasoline DreamsOutkast (Don’t everybody like the smell of gasoline?)

Funeral Song:Killing An ArabThe Cure
(Weird…my funeral is set to a song based on “…one of the most famous French novels of the twentieth century…” and is considered to be “…among the best literary expositions of the absurdity of human existence in an indifferent universe.“…nice.)

End Credits:Break My BodyPixies (After FIGHT CLUB we all know that the Pixies are a fine way to close your film.)

Well, not exactly what I would have picked, but interesting none the less….If any of you knuckleheads participate in this here meme, let me know…I’m a sucker for soundtracks.

I wonder what would happen if I did it again?

Fetish Fridays! Always NSFW

Hey there! Miss me last Friday? I bet it wasn’t me that you were missing…it was the dirty pictures and naughty links, wasn’t it? It’s cool, you can be honest…It doesn’t hurt my feelings that some of you porndogs only drop by Awesomeness once a week just to get your fetish on.

So, what should we discuss today?

gia-002 Oh! I think I promised you guys and gals something to do with Shemales for this week!

As you can see by my autographed picture of Gia Darling, we are transgendered friendly at Casa Canacorn….but I think I want to cover something just a little bit different today.

Ever hear of Futanari? I bet some of you have, but you’re more familiar with the Americanized name of “Dickgirls“.

I know, real creative, right?

Okay, for those of y’all who don’t know what in the heck I’m talking about, here’s some descriptions from good ol’ Wiki:

The term futanari is usually reserved for characters drawn in an anime art style.

The traditional form of futanari in which the female character is depicted as having both male and female sexual organs (the penis sprouting out above the clitoris and vagina).

A variation on this form in which the penis takes the place of the clitoris.

A variation on the two above forms in which the testicles are omitted (i.e. the character will have a penis but no testicles).

It is interesting to note that, in some cases, the futanari character is depicted as having a penis and/or testicles that have grown to a size which is physically impossible.

Hmmmmmmmmmm, this all sounds a bit curious and kind of bizarre…which is just what we like here at Awesomeness, but futanari is usually animated…and we did animation last time. I’d hate to repeat myself…I wonder if there’s some real live futanari out there on the internet?

Of course there is!

masthead01

WTF? Seriously.

WTF? Seriously.

The pic is kind of small, but I think you get the gist of it.

Not convinced this is your thing?

Well, peep some teaser videos HERE…or take some time to meet the girls by reading their bios and checking out their cum cannons HERE!

I think my favorite gal just might be Martiza Meatsaber….or maybe it’s Stephani Spurtswad

Well, maybe you can decide which sexy teen chicks with a huge fuck stick you like best at Futanaria.com….but God knows I just can’t decide.

Wow, I can feel your resistance to this one from here…what’s wrong? It’s the whole giant cock and balls on a chick thing isn’t it? Would it make you feel better if I told you that the penis isn’t real? It’s fake…it’s okay…really.

Alright, I’ll stop.

You know, maybe Bakunyū is more your thing! How does this grab ya’?

Holy Mary, mother of God!

Holy Mary, mother of God!

That’s better isn’t it? Gigantic tits on a chick is so much easier to wrap your brain around than a gigantic dick on a chick, right? Well, you should hop on over to Mastasia.com and see what they have to offer you….you won’t be disappointed.

The New Hotness From G’Naut

what-kind-large Guess what, Boners?

There are some new reviews (actually, I was told by one of my coworkers that they’re not really reviews so much as explaining what happened in a movie…but you know what I mean) over at Gorillanaut!

What’s Gorillanaut, you ask? Well, according to Cedric Washington III of the Angola Times, it’s, “…a delirious treat…grisly but fun.

And according to The Wife, it’s,”…a fun thing for you to do with your buddy since your little buddy-to-be is not done cooking yet.

So, um, basically it’s yet another cult/horror/porn movie site…but this one is different since Bwana Beast and I (under the alias of MoonBoy…I know, sounds kind of gay, but it’s a Jack Kirby reference…Devil Dinosaur anyone? No? Whatever.) waste valuable hours of our lives writing reviews for it.*

And we’ve recently wasted some more valuable hours just for you!

Check out my reviews of all 3 of Larry Cohen’s IT’S ALIVE films!

What a beautiful experience.

What a beautiful experience.

Be sure to feast your eyes on Bwana’s take on WITHOUT WARNING:

It Preys On Human Fear. It Feeds On Human Flesh.

It Preys On Human Fear. It Feeds On Human Flesh.

Bwana also whips out his review of the Satanic Porn classic, THE DEVIL INSIDE HER!

This man has an extremely elastic scrotum.

This man has an extremely elastic scrotum.

Oh, and if reading’s not your thing, we have pictures of naked chicks too.

That’s it for now, see ya’ tomorrow for Fetish Fridays!

*By valuable, I mean spare…and by hours, I mean minutes.

Paint It Black

I do believe this is a better all star jam than America’s Song…just sayin’.