Blue Drank

So, yesterday I was working on an upcoming post for THE ROOM Week (I know, I know, it’s not until May and you’re already sick of me talking about it) and I was getting all crazy Virgo about some minor details that I couldn’t figure out…so I turned to Bwana for some help.

I shot him a quick email since I was sure he must be some sort of expert on the details in question…I eventually figured it out on my own (with some help from The Wife) and emailed Bwana again to share the good news.

When he emailed me back he expressed his approval and admiration of my findings and then he hit me up with a (non THE ROOM) question of his own for me!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

Hey, what do you think that blue stuff that Aunt Beru gave to Luke to drink when he was whining about going to get the power converters was?

Hmmmmm…an interesting question…I was pretty sure Bwana was in no way making fun of me or “busting my balls” as the (Italian) kids say…so I hit the internets to find out just what in the Hell was in that future flask!

A few key strokes later and I ended up on Wookieepedia! And sure as shit there was an entry for Blue Milk!

It says: “Blue milk, sometimes known as Bantha milk[1] was a blue-colored liquid produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands. It could be found on most planets across the galaxy. The milk was well known for being very rich and refreshing, its opaque coloring suggesting that it was also sweet. The milk was also used to make a variety of yogurt, ice cream, and cheese.

There’s even a commercial for it:

So, there you go, Bwana! If you (or any of you other Awesomeness readers) think of any other burning questions I can answer for ya’ just let me know at or hit me up in the comments section!

Two For Tuesdays…Sort Of

Every Monday I head on over to The House Of Self-Indulgence to see what music videos Yum-Yum has hand picked to tickle my visual, vestibular, auditory and proprioceptive inputs.

And yesterday there were two songs by two ladies that tickled my pinks and blacks!

First, my pinks:

Listen to a couple more of Renee’s sweet and quirky songs on her MySpace page.

Now, my blacks:

Hey, waddayaknow, Geneva’s got her dark and slutty songs up on her MySpace thingy too!

Wouldn’t it be cool if these two stone foxes were sisters and you were best friends with their brother? I mean, imagine all the boners you would get just being in the same room with one of them, and then imagine all the boners your boners would get if they were in the same room at the same time?!

Christ, I gotta’ take a cold shower…

THE ROOM Week: Serendipity, Baby!

roomwk First up, just a friendly reminder that THE ROOM Week is only days away!

That’s right, boners, a whole week of THE ROOM related goodness right here on Awesomeness!

From May 4th to the 10th (that’s a Monday through a Sunday) I’ll be assaulting your brain pans with my musings on Tommy Wiseau‘s cinematic masterpiece!

Oh and remember, If you feel like posting anything at all about THE ROOM and/or Tommy Wiseau any time between the 4th and 10th of May just hit me up with an email at ( and a link to your blog or website and I’ll throw you in the mix!

Hi doggie.

Hi doggie.

And secondly, on Wednesday, May 06, 2009 Tommy Wiseau is screening THE ROOM right here in Austin!

At my favorite movie theater, The ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE!

No fucking way, right?!

Right smack dab in the middle of THE ROOM Week!

Obviously, The Wife and I already purchased our tickets (Thanks for the heads up, Bwana!)

Here’s their write up:

Austin’s premiere venue for alternative comedy, ColdTowne Theater, presents this once-in-a-lifetime cinematic event- an evening with Writer/Director/Actor Tommy Wiseau inside THE ROOM!

Love is blind.

Love is blind.

If you’re one of the select few who’ve had the good fortune to see THE ROOM, your mind is already blown and you are quite possibly unable to read written language. But if you haven’t, you may be wondering how a humble independent feature — albeit one shot simultaneously with both 35mm and high-def digital cameras because the director wanted to compare the two formats — could have so quickly become a cult sensation on par with THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.



Let’s just say that no matter how much you think you know about what a movie is, THE ROOM will prove you wrong. Wiseau says that he intentionally shot this movie as a “black comedy” and we say, “Sure, what the hell.” We’re just happy he made it, and we’re ecstatic that he’s personally coming down to Austin to share it with us. People will be talking about this for years, guaranteed, so don’t miss it. We would quote the film, but the most repeated line in the whole movie is “Don’t worry about it,” and we want you to worry about it.

I can’t fucking wait!

Thank You For Being A Friend

Bernice Frankel - May 13, 1922 – April 25, 2009

Bernice Frankel - May 13, 1922 – April 25, 2009

My deepest condolences to the Frankel family, Walter, Carol, Rose, Blanche, Sophia, Greedo, and Freemblap.

*please click the pic for a musical tribute

If You’re Ever In Louisville….

…and you’re a beautiful, single woman…then you need to check out this guy!

Leslie George Kistner III

Leslie George Kistner III

His name is Leslie, but he goes by George, Vampire Lord, or God.

This 28 year old student and college math tutor is into weightlifting, giving massages, Giving Oral Sex to Attractive Females, reading, intelligence puzzles, nature, vampires, the Gothic Scene, video games, and religions that employ the use of magick.

Hold up…did you see what he slipped in there?

Giving Oral Sex to Attractive Females

That’s right, ladies! FREE ORAL SEX! From Lesl…uh, God the Vampire Lord!

He’s set up a website called Louisville Free Face to make this whole process of FREE ORAL SEX as easy as possible.

This Vampire Lord only goes down on women he finds attractive.

This Vampire Lord only goes down on women he finds attractive.

All this is sounding too good to be true, am I right, ladies?

Well, keep those panties on for just a minute! Before George goes downtown he’s got a few TERMS to make sure you qualify for some FREE ORAL SEX!

Obviously, you need to be of legal age to utilize this service…whew…for a second there I was worried that George might be some kind of creep or something.

You also have to be clean, single or in an open type of relationship, must be disease free, must be nude while receiving your oral, and most importantly…you must be attractive.

George is kind of picky so you should send him a picture (non nude is okay) so he can tell generally what your body and face look like.

There’s also an application process where you can give George some important info about yourself like, age, body type, race, and religion.

You can also choose from a handy drop down menu what type of woman you are. Maybe you’re goth, punk, redneck, or a ghetto girl? Hell, some of you ladies on the hunt for some FREE ORAL SEX may even be a freak looking for fun or just horny and and desperate for some oral.

Willing to explain other

Willing to explain other

You can also choose from a list other things to be used on you or done to you while you are receiving oral from George.

Your choices are: tongue and hands, finger placement, pop rocks, altoids, alka-seltzer, ice cubes, electricity, and other! Don’t worry about “other” George says he’ll explain it to you.

One last thing…George wants you to know that,

This is in no way meant as a joke. I am totally serious. I love the female form and believe that women should be treated as the goddesses that they are. If you would like to be worshiped and pleased in every way that I am able to please you, please sign up.

Come on ladies, what are you waiting for?!

He is totally serious!

He’s so serious he brought you a gif…an animated gif!


It’s coming…..THE ROOM WEEK.

Enter THE ROOM and leave forever changed!

Enter THE ROOM and leave forever changed!

When? MAY 4th through the 10th!

Where? Well right here at Awesomeness, of course! And possibly at your very own blog if you fell like playing along.

It’s easy! If you feel like posting anything at all about THE ROOM and/or Tommy Wiseau any time between the 4th and 10th of May just hit me up with an email at ( and a link to your blog or website and I’ll throw you in the mix!

Don’t get all stressy…it’s not like you have to post something THE ROOM related every day of the week!

Oh, and you won’t be alone!

I know Bwana (the depraved mastermind behind GORILLANAUT and THE NAKED JUNGLE) has some big plans as well as The Tenebrous One over at THE LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE!

See…you’ll be in good company.

Now I know some of y’all have no idea what I’m talking about. So watch this trailer and get a small taste of what THE ROOM has to offer:

Looks awesome right? Well let me tell you, the trailer is totally misleading….seriously, you have no idea what is in store for you when you enter THE ROOM!

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Reader Mail And BeaverBongs!

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Hey boners!

Sorry the FF posts have been so infrequent lately…you know how it goes, right? Sometimes life just gets in the way and all that.

But it’s back today, kids! So grab a bottle of your favorite personal warming lubricant and a box of tissues and come on!

Today we’re trying out something a little different…READER MAIL!

(You too can play along by sending me an email:

Don’t worry…I’ve only received one “letter” so far, so this will be quick…then we can get to today’s FF topic!

The dicks in question

The dicks in question

John Says:
March 27, 2009 at 8:14 pm

I liked your description of dickgirls/futanaria. We have a lot in common based on your profile including originating in the northeast and ending up in the southwest…and comics, and a fun “partner in crime”. Speaking of which…do you have any idea whatsoever how to find one of those fake cock setups that squirt etc…such as Maritza has? I would love to get one for my wife, who would absolutely go nuts with it…but I haven’t found anything at all. This is a last chance option…just wondering if you know something I don’t *smile* For that matter, I suppose I could make one if forced to…any thoughts on how they are attached? (are they attached??)

Okay…a little background…John is referring to this Fetish Fridays Post.

Well John, first things first….Thanks for reading FF (you might even try reading some of the other posts here at Awesomeness) and taking the time to write! And sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

So, let’s get to the, a-hem, meat of your letter! (See what I did there? You asked about cocks and I sai…oh, forget it.) I’m sorry to say, I don’t know where to get one of those fake cock setups…I did some “research” on the internet and came up empty handed. I even tried typing “How to make a fake squirting cock” into Google and everything. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

So then I decided to go to straight to the source! Maybe the creator of Futanaria would reveal his cock secrets?!

Well, turns out John isn’t the only one wondering how to get his hands on a giant, strap on, spurting fake cock…oh no, my friends! Quite a few people have been asking about these mysterious devices.

Giant spurting fake cock.

Giant spurting fake cock.

And Craddy (the man behind the Futanaria) is keeping everything about the ladies’ uh…pulsating penile protuberances totally top secret!

Sorry, John…can’t help ya’ buddy *frown*.

Okay…so much for that! Keep those letters (emails) coming, fetish fans!

Moving on!

A couple of weeks ago my blog buddy Myrtle left me this comment, “Have you seen that clip where the guy is taking a bong rip with a special bong that’s inserted into his girlfriends pussy? Try to find it – it’s barf central :-P”

To which I said, “No fucking way!?!? I’m on it! Pussy-bong here comes Canacorn!

And guess what I found. Not just a single clip…oh no…a whole damn website!

I got two words for you guys…well, two words that have been combined to make one word actually…


Hell ya bro!

Hell ya bro!

What’s it all about?


“ knows how to party! If you love pussy, (who doesn’t) and love da bong (Dude, our girls ARE the bong!) YOU have got to party with us!”

Uh, so these dudes put bongs in girls vaginas…and smoke weed…out of their vagina bongs.

I believe that children are our future...

I believe that children are our future...

I don’t think I have anything else to say about that.

Here’s a song.

The Demon And The Dr.

Ebert: Zero stars and no thumbs up

Ebert: Zero stars and no thumbs up

Hey kids! What’s shakin’?

Not much new here…oh, wait…I did just watch this movie called CHAOS.

I liked it enough…well, more than Roger Ebert did, that’s for sure!

Ever hear of it?


No worries….hop on over to Gorillanaut and read my review!

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was one of the special features on the CHAOS DVD! It’s called INSIDE THE CORONER’S OFFICE (A TOUR OF THE L.A. CORONER’S CRYPT)!

It has to be seen to be believed.

Don’t feel like renting it?

Okay fine, I’ll give you a quick rundown! God, I have to do everything for you guys!

Welcome to sunny California!

So uh, we can really film in here?

So uh, we can really film in here?

Let’s go in!

No shirt, no shoes, no dice...awww, fuck it.

No shirt, no shoes, no dice...awww, fuck it.

So now we get about 17 minutes of a greased up, shirtless Dave “The Demon” DeFalco (the writer/director of CHAOS) flexing and ranting (wrestler style) about how brutal the world (and his movie) is and how much Roger Ebert sucks…in front of real dead bodies (wrapped in plastic)!

Homicides, suicides...and uh, all the other ides!

Homicides, suicides...and uh, all the other ides!

Dude, I get it…you’re a wrestler…but isn’t there some kind of law or health code thing that says shirts are required in the fucking county coroner’s office?



Even better than Dave’s awesome display of power is the awkward and creepy tour of the coroner’s office by forensic technician Michael A. Cormier.

NOT an actor.

NOT an actor.

This dude is even weirder than DeFalco…he’s kind of a mix between Dr. Lawrence Jacoby and Dr. Matthew “Frankenstein” Logan. He walks us through the various crypts pointing out all sorts of stuff, like dead babies (wrapped in plastic) and dead fat people (wrapped in plastic)!

That's six hundred pounds of autopsy, baby!

That's six hundred pounds of autopsy, baby!

He even shows off his “tools of the trade”…including a long handle, curved head branch trimmer and a dry erase marker!

And this gets rid of the ribcage!

And this gets rid of the ribcage!

Scalpel, check! Marker, check!

Scalpel, check! Marker, check!

The best part is when DeFalco and Cormier meet up at the end and discuss their next project! A film more brutal than CHAOS…

Let's call it a theory for now...

Let's call it a theory for now...

It’s called THE DEVIL’S DOORWAY and it’s all about their “theory” of how true evil manifests in human beings…through methamphetamines! You see, the meth opens up a doorway to another dimension allowing demons to possess these meth-heads and then these possessed speed freaks commit brutal crimes!

I am not making this up….and I seriously want to see that film…it sound more awesome than awesome!

You are looking at the future of horror, or whatever.

You are looking at the future of horror, or whatever.

So that’s about it….oh, and I totally lost count of how many times DeFalco said the word brutal.

Hooked On A Feeling

Chillin' listenin' to some tunes...

Chillin' listenin' to some tunes...

Oh man…just what I need…another time waster…click the pic, yo!

A Vice Magazine Article

I just finished reading THOMAS MORTON‘s MEDIEVAL SLIMES (Two Weeks of Living Disgustingly) this morning and really just had to share…

Oh, a quick Canacorn Fun Fact: I wore a fucking bib until I was seven and can’t stand the thought of being dirty.


2 “According to such sources as Hollywood, history textbooks, and the word on the street, the Middle Ages were a thousand-year grunge revival in which everybody walked around covered in fleas and mud and you could tell a person’s class by the particular stench of their balls. This is total bullshit. I know this because I just spent two weeks adhering strictly to premodern hygiene techniques and aside from a few skid marks, unexplained sores, heavy dandruff, lots of smegma, and a possible case of Saint Anthony’s fire, I turned out fine. Here’s how it went.”

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE!…if you can stomach chamber pots, greasy balls, and pus filled welts…