What a special time in a woman’s life…sure there’s the mild annoyances of morning sickness, heartburn, fatigue, stretch marks, spider veins, hot flashes, hemorrhoids, and leg cramps…but there’s also some great benefits!
Sure, sure, there’s the whole nurturing a new life inside of your body thing…but we all know the real joy of pregnancy is women transforming into “full blown preggo fuck-tarts with stomachs the size of beach umbrellas and tits the size of watermelons with milk leaking from grapefruit sized nipples bangin’ with a wild abandon brought on by nine months of raging hormones!”
Preggo fuck tarts? Subtlety is obviously not the internets’ strong suit.
Um look, internets, I don’t mean to be a contrarian here, but is this whole maiesiophilia thing really that big a deal?Let’s do some research with Professor Google…what if I type “pregnant porn” into my search bar?
Oh, I get a pic of this blond baby-filled beauty and some links to sites like, Hot Pregnant Girls Fucking, Pregnant Hardcore Sex, Knocked Up Pussies, and the ever popular Preggos Sucking Cocks!
Check it, I don’t know who this gal is but she seems to know me and every other dude on the internet! Here’s what she has to say.
“Hey guys, welcome to my site! I’m only 18 years old and 100% pregnant! I’m not faking it at all! Inside u will find tons of pictures & videos of me and my large belly that u can download. Was it you that knocked me up? Join now & find out if i’m your baby’s momma!”
Um…excuse me? Could you repeat that last part, honey?
“Was it you that knocked me up? Join now & find out if i’m your baby’s momma!”
Um….er….uh…Christ, did I have sex with this girl and get her pregnant? Is she my baby’s momma? I doubt it….I mean, I’ve never even seen her before in my life…does she look familiar to you?
She certainly does look 100% preggers…Obviously not faking….but I swear I had nothing to do with her current predicament!
But can I really be sure? Maybe I should join her site?
I mean, just to clear my name…
These Fetish Fridays are getting all into my mind grapes and seriously starting to fuck with me…I’m feeling all Max Renn and shit…
Seriously not cool, internets…
And then there was that time when John Larroquette wore a fake mustache and starred as Murray in the all Jewish production of Steinberg And Son in front of a live studio audience…
Is there anything he can’t do?
Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?
And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?
I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandon…again…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.
Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.
And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.
I didn’t know Lionel Richie was in The Commodores until 1995.
Yeah…I know. He was only the fucking front man of one of the biggest funk/soul bands of the 1970s.
Anyway, you guys remember the video for The Black Barry Manilow‘s super awesome ballad, “Hello“?
You know, the one where “there’s something going on in the sculpture class“?
Well, shit, let’s watch it now!
Wouldn’t it be cool to try and sculpt Lionel’s bust blindfolded?
Well, the fine folks at Lean Mean Fighting Machine thought so…and they made a video…I think you ought to check it out (make sure you watch the whole thing to see the amazing results)!
Wow! They’re all wonderful. All those kids get an A++++!
So…uh…here’s a picture of a guitar that kind of looks like a cock and balls.
It’s called THE WANGCASTER.
I know some of you guys are going to accuse me of being lazy but that’s just not the case…okay, okay, just posting a picture of a cock and balls guitar is kind of lazy, but it’s not my fault.
Blame the maker and owner of the Wangcaster! Where are the pics/videos of someone actually playing the Wangcaster?! Where are the pics/videos of someone actually getting fucked by the Wangcaster?
Nowhere. That’s where. Believe me, I looked.
I mean, if you make a guitar didlo shouldn’t it be used as either a guitar or a dildo…or even better, a guitar dildo?!This isn’t rocket science…it’s 2009 dammit, I should be able to find some dude shredding his way through The Nuge‘s Wang Dang Sweet Poontang on his rock hard Wangcaster somewhere on the internets!
And speaking of the internets and what it has to offer….
You mean to tell me I can find women and men willing to shove everything from a Nerf football to a bowling pin into every hole imaginable, but no one has ever used an electric guitar (never mind one actually shaped like a cock and balls) in one of their wack-a-doodle insertion photo/video shoots?!
You’re slippin’, internets!
I really expected so much more from you this Friday.
Uncle Ted, please show these boners how a real man uses a guitar…God, if only it was a dildo too…
Weeeeell, I take it back.
Ya’ll really don’t. Not the whole movie. Just stick to the trailer that’s making its way around the blogs and save yourselves 90 minutes of the “Up With Midgets!” message that TIPTOES has to offer.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against little people, but TIPTOES is no UNDER THE RAINBOW! Heh…UNDER THE RAINBOW…why isn’t that on dvd yet?!
Anyway, my friend Dave over at SMELLS LIKE SCREEN SPIRIT hit the nail on the head when he said he felt that TIPTOES was just disappointing. The plot, the direction, Gary Oldman‘s “role of a lifetime“…all of it…just plain disappointing.
And I couldn’t agree more.I mean, the filmmakers had so many opportunities to make this one a winner…at one point, Kate Beckinsale says to Matthew McConaughey, “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!”
Me too! Come on! Seriously, why the fuck didn’t Matthew Bright throw that scene in there?!
Oh, and you have Bridget The Midget in your fucking movie!
Hellooooo…She’s an American erotic film actress with dwarfism for Christ’s sake!
I know it’s too much to ask for Matthew and Gary to Eiffel Tower* her, but at least show some naked midget flesh!
Look, in my humble opinion, if you have a little person that doesn’t mind parading her tiny assets around on film, take full advantage of that!
What’s so difficult about this?
Okay, I’ve said my piece…so, in closing:
Watch the trailer to TIPTOES, not the movie.
*Oh, in case you’re wondering…this is The Eiffel Tower: