I’m Not Mad…

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Hey boners, remember a couple weeks ago when I was all,

“OMFG! You guys totally need to watch TIPTOES! Seriously, it’s going to be soooo fucking awesome!”

Weeeeell, I take it back.

Ya’ll really don’t. Not the whole movie. Just stick to the trailer that’s making its way around the blogs and save yourselves 90 minutes of the “Up With Midgets!” message that TIPTOES has to offer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against little people, but TIPTOES is no UNDER THE RAINBOW! Heh…UNDER THE RAINBOWwhy isn’t that on dvd yet?!

Anyway, my friend Dave over at SMELLS LIKE SCREEN SPIRIT hit the nail on the head when he said he felt that TIPTOES was just disappointing. The plot, the direction, Gary Oldman‘s “role of a lifetime“…all of it…just plain disappointing.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Wasted talent.

Wasted talent.

I mean, the filmmakers had so many opportunities to make this one a winner…at one point, Kate Beckinsale says to Matthew McConaughey, “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!”

Me too! Come on! Seriously, why the fuck didn’t Matthew Bright throw that scene in there?!

Oh, and you have Bridget The Midget in your fucking movie!

Hellooooo…She’s an American erotic film actress with dwarfism for Christ’s sake!

I know it’s too much to ask for Matthew and Gary to Eiffel Tower* her, but at least show some naked midget flesh!

Look, in my humble opinion, if you have a little person that doesn’t mind parading her tiny assets around on film, take full advantage of that!

What’s so difficult about this?

Okay, I’ve said my piece…so, in closing:

Watch the trailer to TIPTOES, not the movie.

*Oh, in case you’re wondering…this is The Eiffel Tower:

Fuck yeah, Bro!

Fuck yeah, Bro!

5 Responses to “I’m Not Mad…”

  1. Darius Whiteplume Says:

    That is one sexy midget 😉

    I wouldn’t mind just hearing Kate Beckinsdale say “circle jerk,” of course, I am no film aficionado.

  2. Yum-Yum Says:

    I can’t believe Tiptoes was directed by Matthew Bright. You know, the genius behind the Freeway movies and Squeezit and Rene Henderson from the Forbidden Zone.

    Oh, and call me something inappropriate, but I love Bridget’s rainbow flavoured socks. They really accentuate her crack.

  3. mrcanacorn Says:

    @DW: Yeah, Bridget is one of the hottest little ladies I’ve ever laid my eyes on, but Kate Beckinsale? I don’t get her appeal…it’s not that she’s unattractive, she’s just not my type.

    @Something Inappropriate: I was just as shocked as you were when I found out Mr. Bright directed this mess….maybe he should go back to his Toshiro Boloney persona and channel his inner Squeezit Henderson to rekindle that lost spark of creativity and daring.

  4. Myrtle Says:

    I hate to break it to you, but even the trailer was feel-good garbage.

  5. mrcanacorn Says:

    @Mini-Myrt: Really? I’ll take your word for it, I can’t even bring myself to watch the trailer again.

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