Now Cracks A Noble Heart

teenwolf-1

Wait…what? Oh…never mind.

Good Time Gone Bad

star Wai, Grashoppers!

When I heard that Master David was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok, I resisted the urge to post a quickie memorial here at Awesomeness.

The details were just coming out and the early reports suggested suicide…the Thai police hadn’t released the info about the whole rope tied around his neck and genitals yet, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Master David was a victim of a good time gone bad right from the jump.

As more info comes out of Bangkok it seems like I’m probably right….but hey, who knows, maybe it was murder? Foul play is still a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to losing a family member or a friend, but it sure is a whole lot less awkward and embarrassing than some private sex act gone wrong.

Because once you’re the “died jerking off guy“, that’s pretty much all everybody remembers about you and your name ends up tacked onto a Wikipedia page under “Erotic asphyxiation: Accidental death, famous cases“. And who the fuck wants that?

The Wife was totally bummed Master David (maybe) died in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident…she really felt that he should have “gone out in a blaze of glory“…like in a knife fight with a couple of Thai ladyboys or something just as awesome…

Well, I’ve been keeping my eye on a reputable news source, and they’ve been saying Master David was murdered…by a couple of Thai ladyboys! WTF!?!!

Check it:

GL25Carradine June 9, 2009 David Carradine Killing

“KUNG FU legend David Carradine was murdered! That’s the shocking conclusion of experts who believe evidence found in the actor’s Thailand hotel room – and autopsy secrets – point to the cover-up of a chilling crime. This week GLOBE unravels the mystery the entire world is talking about.”

GL26carradine June 17, 2009 Revealed! Who Killed Carradine

“DAVID Carradine was strangled in his Bangkok hotel room by TWO drag queens! That’s the chilling conclusion of the Kung Fu star’s movie producer, who is ripping the lid off a bizarre murder cover-up plot. It’s all in our blockbuster Special Report about the tragedy that’s shocked the world.”

Damn, Master David, way to keep real! I can only hope to get myself into such awesome shenanigans when I’m in my 70s….seriously, fighting a couple of transsexual kung fu assassins to the death in a fancy hotel in Bangkok is a damn fine way to go!

Having those tranny bitches make it look like an autoerotic fatality is fucking cold blooded…but I’d expect nothing less from a secret sect of Shaolin shemales from the martial-arts underworld!

Bitches, man…bitches!

You can bet I’ll be following this story until the FBI catch those deadly kathoey-saloeys and clear Master David’s name! So, as they say in Thailand, sawatdee! Which pretty much means, Canacorn out! (Why the fuck doesn’t Ryan say that anymore…it has such a douchey charm to it…)

Things I Decided Today

With all the big budget films and movie parodies being cranked out by the adult industry, you’d think someone would pull their head out of their ass (or someone’s ass) and finally make this fucking masterpiece already?!

btilv

realbtilvI know BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA already exists as a porno…but there’s no evil magician, mysterious underworld, or kung-fu masters in it!

Just an “..interracial cast of petite cuties love having their tight and tasty little vaginas stretched to the limit by men with big dicks. The only trouble is finding them big enough to satisfy the insatiable appetites of these nymphomaniacs!

In addition to all the straight sex, there could be something for everyone…

Imagine a The Three Storms three-way for the gay and bi-curious audience?

You could even have a Gerontophilia (look it up) scene between David Lo Pan and Gracie Law for the more adventurous!

How about a record setting gang bang alleyway scene with the Wing Kong and a lucky green-eyed Chinese lady?

And don’t even get me started on what could be done with this little feller:

guardian

The possibilities are fucking endless…Seriously, someone make this….sheesh.

*Oh, I’m not sure who made the BTILV poster…but someone did, so, thanks whoever you are!

Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

vlcsnap-64802 Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

vlcsnap-73543 I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…

And I was all,

Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

vlcsnap-75269 And then he was all,

Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

vlcsnap-75610 So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

vlcsnap-84916Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

vlcsnap-87168 You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident(sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

vlcsnap-121073A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

vlcsnap-119275Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!

vlcsnap-109465

See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

Nice duck.

Junior Cryptozoologist

Goat sucker, y'all!

Goat sucker, y'all!

I know things have been awfully quiet around Awesomeness and The Bride lately, but my newborn son and I have been out hunting the elusive Chupacabra.

So far we’ve had no luck in locating the rascally goat sucker, but we did run across a Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris outside of the Babies R Us this weekend.

Quinn 061509 012

So, keep your shirts on, boners….I’ll be back with all your beloved pornography as soon as we get a Chupacabra head mounted on my boy’s wall.

Bro Mitzvah!

One of the nice things about living in a melting pot is when cultures “borrow” traditions from other cultures to turn them into something positive for their own communities. An example of this is the new ritual of the “bro mitzvah” among African Americans. Inspired by the Jewish bar mitzvah, a bro mitzvah celebrates an African-American boy’s transformation into an adult..” –eHow Culture & Society Editor

video via Aziz Is Bored

Fetish Fridays! NSFW And Totally Refreshing!

I don’t know what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but here in the A,TX. it’s hot, hot, hot! And when it gets hot, there’s nothing I like better than a cool refreshing drink!

An ice cold beer, some unsweetened sun tea, a tall glass of ice water, or even a smoothie….but not just any smoothie…the only thing that can beat this Texas heat is an:

100% genuine ass smoothies!

100% genuine ass smoothies!

Wait, you guys don’t drink ASS SMOOTHIES in your hometown? Don’t tell me you’ve never even heard of them?

Just making another ass smoothie.

Just making another ass smoothie.

Check it…ASS SMOOTHIES started off as this crazy porn thing on the internets where some pervy dudes found some “pornstars and hot girls who enjoy ass to mouth felching.”

I’ll let these demented thirst experts explain the rest:

The porn babes make a smoothie which is then poured inside their rectum. We use a speculum to gape their asshole open wide so we can fill up their anal cavity with what then becomes known as the ass smoothie. As they wait in the piledriver position with their ass up in the air, we pour the entire anal smoothie inside their butt and let it sit there for a moment. When they are completely full, the girls get back on their feet and squirt the ass smoothie from their assholes into a glass below. Next they take the anal beverage to their lips and drink it all, thus completing the felching cycle of ass to mouth, by ingesting the ass smoothie which was sitting deep inside their own rectum.”

She poured juice, cola and whipped cream in a blender and presto she got her own flavor of ass smoothie!

She poured juice, cola and whipped cream in a blender and presto she got her own flavor of ass smoothie!

Man, doesn’t that sound delicious?! It became such a popular drink among professional women, college students and speculum salesmen here in Austin that ASS SMOOTHIE stands started popping up all over town!

The ASS SMOOTHIE was liberated from it’s existence as the second class citizen of “fruity, sweet, nutty flavored drinks with undertones of rich, dark rectum” to it’s rightful place as THE MOST REFRESHING DRINK IN THE WORLD!

Before you knew it, everyone and their mom were blending their own special brand of ASS SMOOTHIE…there were ASS SMOOTHIE parties where people would bring tricked out blenders and personalized, gold plated speculums…debates would rage over the proper temperature for the perfect ASS SMOOTHIE (98.6 degrees was usually beat out every time by cooler, more refreshing temps)….some people even got their pets in on the act with a very special Canis lupus familiaris ASS SMOOTHIE…but I won’t get into that.

Live music was out as the driver of Austin’s “creative economy” and everyone knew that Austin, TX. was now THE ASS SMOOTHIE CAPITOL OF THE WORLD! Even the old hippies were wearing tied-dyed shirts with the ASS SMOOTHIE slogan, “KEEP AUSTIN SMOOTH“.

SRV can S My D! Keep Austin Smooth!

SRV can S My D! Keep Austin Smooth!

So, don’t the let heat get the upper hand, get on the ASS SMOOTHIE train this Summer and keep it smooth in your city!