Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?

Anyone?

Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

Two For Tuesdays

Hey there boners!

I know I promised a whole bunch of new awesomeness for you guys and gals in the next five weeks or so….and I also know I haven’t really delivered much in the way of awesome other than a single entry from last Friday…sorry ’bout that.

Honestly, I’m having a bit of a blog-block. Thanks to school, I’m so out of touch that I have absolutely NO idea what you kooky kids want to read about.

So today I figured I’d phone it in and hit you up with a Twofer straight from a teenage girl’s favorite mixtape circa 1993.

Blender magazine called today’s pick a “blues-rock sorceress trafficking in social politics and dark, tormented songwriting.” But don’t let that turn you off…

Here’s 2 tracks from Polly Jean Harvey off of Rid Of Me:

Man-Size (Click HERE for the equally awesome Man-Size Sextet):

Oh, and since Universal Music Group refuses to allow embedding of their artists’ videos, just click on the pic of PJ to watch the video for 50ft Queenie on YouTube.

So that’s that.

Seriously, I’m really gonna’ try and figure out something to blog about before I head back to school…

Two For Tuesdays

gto Today’s band is ADULT.

I like these kooks…

And I especially like the super sexy and dangerously hot photography of band member, NICOLA KUPERUS.

I hear they made some sort of “experimental horror film” called DECAMPMENT that could only be “experienced in person with ADULT. performing the soundtrack live to the film“…which sounds pretty cool if you’re into that kind of stuff. Watch the trailer HERE.

There’s also a 7″ vinyl only release called, THE DECAMPMENT TRILOGY, which is all super limited and shit…curious if there are any left? Then click HERE.

Okay, enough talk…let’s listen to some music…

Inside

I Feel Worse When I’m with You

That’s it for today, boners, C U Next Tuesday!

What Cha’ Watchin’?

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Anybody else remember when she didn’t have a shit-ton of creepy kids and was showing her tits to Elias Koteas in CYBORG 2?

Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

vlcsnap-64802 Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

vlcsnap-73543 I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…

And I was all,

Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

vlcsnap-75269 And then he was all,

Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

vlcsnap-75610 So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

vlcsnap-84916Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

vlcsnap-87168 You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident(sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

vlcsnap-121073A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

vlcsnap-119275Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!

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See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

Nice duck.

What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandonagain…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.

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Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.

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D Cells?

If you’re a stranger to Awesomeness you might not know that I believe Beverly Hills 90210 is the best television show ever made.

And here is just one example why from season 7:

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Brandon’s new gal pal, Tracy Gaylian, uses a vibrator that requires D cell batteries.

Now I hate to nitpick, but the last time I checked, the Pocket Rocket uses 1 AA battery….shit, even the Big Thunder Vibrating Dildo only needs 3 AAs!

But I’m gonna’ let that small mistake in a great gag slide.

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

Fetish Fridays! Base For Your Face Special

Aye carumba!

Aye carumba!

Hey boners!

Sorry things have been a little quiet around these parts lately…you know how it goes…quit smoking (again)…get all despondent…you know that deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of any further effort on my part…and the despair and the cessation of effort or resistance that often implies acceptance or resignation of my complete lack of faith in myself…or whatever.

But enough about me!

Let’s get on with today’s Fetish Friday! And let me say, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of y’all are going to wish I took today off.

Sooooo, consider this a warning…those with sensitive hearts and impressionable minds should just click HERE and come back next week.

Go on now…go on…get!

Okay…are they gone?

Are you ready for this?

Today we go to a dark dark place….I found it on the internet a few weeks ago…it’s called:

CRACK WHORE CONFESSIONS!

It says on the box: No actual drug used depicted in this movie

It says on the box: No actual drug used depicted in this movie

And the website boasts, “Prepare to Scar Your Mind! Cracker Jack brings you shocking videos of Real Crack Whores telling their true life confessions about what these street walkers will do for their Johns. Hear insane tales of sex, drugs, violence, and life on the streets.

Damn! It’s like a bizarro mix of COPS and TAXICAB CONFESSIONS with a hearty helping of every HBO documentary about hookers and addicts ever made!

And…it has a theme song! That you can download!

You know, sometimes when I’m watching porn I think too much about the reality of what I’m seeing and what some of those young “actors” and “actresses” are going through in their lives…the self esteem issues, drug problems, social stigmas…and it really gets in the way of my enjoyment of all the double penetrations, throat gaggings, and extreme fistings

So why in the world would I want to watch a Crack Whore Granny Toothless Gum Job?

This crack whore Granny is best known for her famous toothless gum jobs!

This crack whore Granny is best known for her famous toothless gum jobs!

Or an 18 Year Old Cheerleader Turned Crack Whore?

Cracker Jack does not find fresh faces like this hooking on the stroll very often.

Cracker Jack does not find fresh faces like this hooking on the stroll very often.

I wouldn’t! Talk about depression….Jesus Christ…what the fuck man?

Who is jerking off to this?!

There’s over 150 damaged souls sucking and fucking for crack rock on this site!

And after watching Cracker Jack bang some of these broads without a fucking condom(?!) you can take a crack house tour! Hooray! Life sucks!

Who's Ready for Dinner?

Who's Ready for Dinner?

And to top it all off you can say, “Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

NOT ironic.

NOT ironic.

Wow….worst FF ever…

So, uh…here’s a Canacorn favorite to cheer us all up after today’s post:

Pam Grier is Jackie Brown

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jackie1 It’s no secret that one Mr. Canacorn has a couple of loves in his life (other than The Wife and baby Chuy)…

Vinyl and soundtracks! So in celebrating all things Pam this week, I figured we’d talk about the Jackie Brown OST today!

We’ve all been told what a genius Quentin Tarantino is when it comes to picking music for his films…and I really have to agree wholeheartedly.

Sure, sure, I’d love for him to finally hook up with a composer that could whip up an amazing score, but just like Martin Scorsese before him, QT knows how to pick existing songs that can capture the viewers attention and really solidify a scene.

What really impressed me about the Jackie Brown soundtrack was QT’s ballsy choice to use such recognizable songs and still be able to give them a whole new life within the JB universe.

Let’s take a look and a listen to some choice cuts, shall we? Just click on the pic and be transported to wonderful world of YouTube!

Across 110th Street – Bobby Womack
bobbywomack

Strawberry Letter 23The Brothers Johnson
brothersjohnson

Who Is He (And What Is He to You?)Bill Withers
billwithers

Tennessee StudJohnny Cash
cash

Natural HighBloodstone
bloodstone

Long Time WomanPam Grier
pam1

Street LifeRandy Crawford
randycrawford

Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This TimeThe Delfonics
delfonics1

Midnight ConfessionsThe Grass Roots
the-grass-roots

Inside My LoveMinnie Riperton
minnie

The Lions and the CucumberThe Vampire Sound Incorporation
vampyros

Monte Carlo NightsElliot Easton’s Tiki Gods
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and even though it’s not a music video, but because I’m thinking about Jackie Brown, I just have to throw this video in here: