Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?


Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

vlcsnap-64802 Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

vlcsnap-73543 I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…

And I was all,

Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

vlcsnap-75269 And then he was all,

Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

vlcsnap-75610 So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

vlcsnap-84916Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

vlcsnap-87168 You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident(sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

vlcsnap-121073A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

vlcsnap-119275Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!


See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

Nice duck.

What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandonagain…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.




Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.


D Cells?

If you’re a stranger to Awesomeness you might not know that I believe Beverly Hills 90210 is the best television show ever made.

And here is just one example why from season 7:




Brandon’s new gal pal, Tracy Gaylian, uses a vibrator that requires D cell batteries.

Now I hate to nitpick, but the last time I checked, the Pocket Rocket uses 1 AA battery….shit, even the Big Thunder Vibrating Dildo only needs 3 AAs!

But I’m gonna’ let that small mistake in a great gag slide.

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

Buy Yourself Something Pretty

Oh man, I know I haven’t been talking about my all time most favoritest show ever in the whole wide world in like, forever, but I just couldn’t let the episode we watched last night go by without comment.

I’ll give you a quick update just so you know where we’re at!

Sixth Season…Dylan is out after the assassination of his wife (I know, crazy, right?!). Donna‘s finally rid of ol’ love ’em and push ’em down the stairs, Ray Pruit, and has hooked up with Joe, the virgin football star that has that heart problem. Brandon is dating the Andrea-ish feminazi, Susan (gag). David is dating the most awesome, Valerie Malone (seriously, she’s become one of the best reasons to watch “The After High School Years” seasons). Steve is dating Creepy Crossed-eyed Clare (who’s face is seriously starting to piss me off this season)…

No really, Clare’s face has become a bigger distraction than Donna’s cleavage for me…Do you even remember what she looks like? No? Here, I’ll jog your memory:

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Blagh! What the fuck is up with her eyes?!

Anyway…where was I? Oh, the best part! Kelly is dating the coke head artist, Colin. You know how Kelly’s all judgmental and bitchy and so not okay with cocaine because her mom was a total druggie fuck-up, right? Well, this is the season when little miss goody-goody gets all depressed over her shitty parents and goes balls to the wall…snorting up all the snow in Beverly Hills she can cram up her weird tiny nose!

But before the coke bender we have The Wife‘s most favorite scene evah! Kelly’s dad promised to move back to 90210, but he’s a flake (just like her mom) and decides to not move back because of some textiles deal or whatever. He has a flower arrangement and a card sent to Kelly as an apology for letting her down…again. Inside the card is a half ass “I’m So Sorry Note” and one check for three thousand dollars…you know, so Kelly can buy herself something pretty. Well, that totally pushes our gal over the edge…and this happens!

Buy yourself something pretty...

Buy yourself something pretty...

Like a scarf...

Like a scarf...

Or a pashmina...

Or a pashmina...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a shit-ton of more coke?  Thanks, dad.

Or a shit-ton of more coke? Thanks, dad.

Fuck yes! You know what this deserves?

The full on 5 Spaghetti Cat Rating of THE AWESOMEST!


Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez

“What? Is she like 30?”

Hallee Hirsh

Not Quite…but great gag.

I wonder if I’ll hate her as much as her mother?

Donna Martin May Be A Virgin…

…But Sometimes She Dresses Like A Whore.

Okay 90210 Fashionista Fans, we’re back with some more Donna Martin Season 5 fashion!

If you happened to miss the first installment you can go HERE and Get Your Donna On!

Things are still moving a bit slowly on the second disc…The horrible influence of one Kelly Taylor is seriously fucking with my girl’s psyche in a major way!

I can’ tell you guys how much those goddamn baby doll dresses bother the shit out me…Right off the bat we’re subjected to this:

Donna, why are you still rocking this tired “fashion statement”? Maybe if you were more Kinderwhore…or even better, more Carroll Baker, I’d be into this look for you…but you’re just trying too hard to be like your (lame) best friend, Kelly.

Ugh! Not even the Doc Martin knockoffs are helping! Kelly, just leave Donna alone for 10 fucking minutes so she can dress herself for God’s sake!

Okaaaaaaaaay, maybe that was a bad idea. Here are those damn asymmetrical (not to mention ill-fitting) cut offs again. At least she got the top right this time. You’ll start to notice a whole lot more belly shirts in Donna’s evolving wardrobe. I know I promised some great looks for Donna….and there will be…remember, I told you it would be a gradual transformation not an overnight makeover. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know.

This one’s pretty good. Now that Donna is palling around with “regular Joe”, (and soon to be “abusive Joe”) Ray Pruit (with one T…’cause that’s all his mom could afford…har har), she’s allowing herself a little white trash inspiration. It’s hard to tell from the picture, but Donna is wearing a white mesh shirt over her belly tank like some little angel that could appear on Danzig‘s shoulder when he feels tempted to have yet another piece of red velvet cake.

Now this outfit isn’t so great, but it’s important for two reasons. One, is that it’s not a baby doll dress…and two, the hair helmet is back but now it’s been adorned with children’s barrettes! Donna is really starting to find her groove…sure, she’s hasn’t figured out how to put all the pieces together yet…but she’s close. Oh, the shirt doesn’t say BARBIE, it says BABIE in the Barbie font…clever.

Like most (creepy) guys I really like this look for our virtuous little virgin. It’s young…it’s innocent…and she finally has some damn cut offs that fit!

I wish I could tell you that it’s not Halloween in the above picture and that she’s not wearing a costume…’cause then I could tell you that this is MY ALL TIME FAVORITE OUTFIT Donna Martin has ever worn…EVER! But it is Halloween and it is a costume.

And so is this one:

Sure, you can’t really see the whole “Sexy Cat” outfit from this picture, but you can see that Donna just bitchslapped the shit out of über-douche-kind-of-boyfriend, Griffin Stone (why yes, that is Casper Van Dien)! And she did it right outside of the KEG House after Griffin insulted Ray and pretty much called Donna a cock tease…So, cracking Griff across the jaw seemed like a good idea at the time especially since Ray hasn’t thrown Donna down the fucking stairs…yet.

So that was disc 2…I hope I’m not alienating too many of my faithful readers with my Donna Martin obsession. I guess if I am, you’re not all that faithful of a reader in the first place and you’re just checking out Awesomeness for that promised extreme old man homo fisting post.

Jeez, keep your pants on…it’s coming…patience is a virtue.

Stay classy!

Things I Decided Today

Jesus, Em, I’ve seen better haircuts on a certain humanoid race from the planet Romulus in the Beta Quadrant.

(With absolutely NO apologies to Auntie John.)

Donna Martin Graduates…

…To The number one Spot In My Heart (after The Wife, of course)!

Hey kids! If you’ve ever had to listen to me talk about television shows I like then you know that BEVERLY HILLS 90210 is quite possibly my most favoritest show of all time…and the gal on the left of your computer screen is the reason why.

I know everyone is all about Brenda (I will agree that she had the best line in the show when she told that one bitch in the halls of West Beverly to, “Have fun at the gynacologist!” super loud in front of all her friends), but for me, the reigning Queen of 90210 is the one and only DONNA MARTIN!

Everyone treats her like she’s some kind of doofus….but have you ever listened to the wisdom that comes out of her perfectly painted mouth? And how about that glorious bleach blond hair? What about her killer cleavage?! And the outfits! Dear God, once Season 5 kicks in, Donna pretty much abandons the flowery baby doll dresses with socks and some kind of boot and blows our minds with the most amazing combinations!

Sooooo, I’m going to put on my totally magical gay-hat today and treat y’all to……….The Fashions Of Donna Martin Season 5!

Okay, okay…stop your groaning already! My blog can’t always be about porn, horror movies, 80s music, and extreme old man homo fisting…oh, I haven’t posted that one yet…if you thought you wanted to skip this post, just you wait!

This is what’s doing….in a sort of regular schedule I will be posting the best Donna outfits from season 5 of 90210 disc by disc! Oh, I can hear your brains melting in anticipation!

For today we have disc one. Things start a little slow on the first disc…Donna is still mimicking Kelly Taylor with those damn baby doll dresses, but like a beautiful butterfly emerging from a cocoon, Donna’s fashion will go through a glorious metamorphosis!

Episode 3 gives us this sporty little number!

I like it…the hot pink short sleeve jacket is killer-diller with that super-hot, white, pleated skirt! You can also see the beginnings of Donna’s Big Barda hair helmet in the picture above!

In the same episode you get the first sighting of Donna’s hideous cut off shorts. Now I’m a man who loves a hot bod in some cut offs, but these are ridiculous! The worst part about these ratty things is that she wears them in multiple episodes!

First off, they’re way too big on her! Cut offs are meant to be tight and sexy…at least that’s what the 70s and 80s taught me. For shame, Donna! And maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo, but I firmly believe that cut offs should be symmetrical. What’s the deal with that long flap of denim on the back of her left leg?! This is a mess…the top is okay I guess, but I’m really getting tired of all these tiny flower prints. You best step up your game, girl…there’s only 7 discs left!

And then, when I had just about given up on her….Donna did the right thing and whipped her tits out!

Now, we all know Tori got her boobs done in her 20s…but they just don’t quite have the majestic cavern between them at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I like ’em, but they don’t look like they could be a suitable koozie for my tall boy of Lone Star…yet.

Alright, not too shabby for the first disc of Season 5. Stay tuned for more amazing fashion from one Donna Martin, as seen on Beverly Hills 90210, in the coming weeks.

Stay classy, everybody!