Fetish Fridays! I Got Nothin’…

So…uh…here’s a picture of a guitar that kind of looks like a cock and balls.

It’s called THE WANGCASTER.

Worst FF ever.

Worst FF ever.

I know some of you guys are going to accuse me of being lazy but that’s just not the case…okay, okay, just posting a picture of a cock and balls guitar is kind of lazy, but it’s not my fault.

Blame the maker and owner of the Wangcaster! Where are the pics/videos of someone actually playing the Wangcaster?! Where are the pics/videos of someone actually getting fucked by the Wangcaster?

Nowhere. That’s where. Believe me, I looked.

I mean, if you make a guitar didlo shouldn’t it be used as either a guitar or a dildo…or even better, a guitar dildo?!

Throw it indoors; you can't damage lamps or break windows. You can't hurt babies or old people.

Throw it indoors; you can't damage lamps or break windows. You can't hurt babies or old people.

This isn’t rocket science…it’s 2009 dammit, I should be able to find some dude shredding his way through The Nuge‘s Wang Dang Sweet Poontang on his rock hard Wangcaster somewhere on the internets!

And speaking of the internets and what it has to offer….

You mean to tell me I can find women and men willing to shove everything from a Nerf football to a bowling pin into every hole imaginable, but no one has ever used an electric guitar (never mind one actually shaped like a cock and balls) in one of their wack-a-doodle insertion photo/video shoots?!

You’re slippin’, internets!

I really expected so much more from you this Friday.

Uncle Ted, please show these boners how a real man uses a guitar…God, if only it was a dildo too

Fetish Fridays! Wha…No Porn?

ARRR! This here grog is good in me gullet!

ARRR! This here grog is good in me gullet!

You heard me! It’s a pornless Fetish Fridays here at Awesomeness this week. (This is a lie…there will be one porn pic at the very end of this post.)

I know, I know, I’m totally killing my 400 plus views a day by leaving out the heaving hooters, the slippery snatches, and the cream filled cocks, but sometimes even I need a break.

But don’t worry too much…you know Canacorn always delivers…

…and today I bring you some Fist-Pumping Rawk-n-Roll For All Three Sexes!”!

Have you heard about a little band from Austin called…wait for it

Tranny plus Danzig, y'all!

Tranny plus Danzig, y'all!

I mean, how could I resist? As soon as a buddy pointed out their flyer to me, I just knew Tranzig deserved a mention on Awesomeness…and FF seemed like the perfect spot for a transgendered Danzig cover band.

Am I right or am I right?

Unfortunately, Tranzig (Jesus, I laugh every time I type it) doesn’t have any videos up…soooooo, I had to find another band somewhat similar to Tranzig that did…you know, just to round out this post.

I can’t just leave y’all with a FF that only has one pic of a flyer and a link to a tranny Danzig MySpace page.

I mean, I already cut out the porn (Once again, this is a lie. Just scroll down to the end of the post for your beloved porn), y’all deserve a little more.

Like…an all gay tribute to Black Flag! They’re called…wait for it

An absolutely FABULOUS tribute to Black Flag!

An absolutely FABULOUS tribute to Black Flag!

Oh man…these boys are too much! They’re even gayer than Black Flag was when Henry Rollins fronted the band!

I’ll let Liberace and Bugger explain:

Nice. Now how about a song?

Now that was awesome!

Okay, okay…I can tell you guys are getting restless…and you’re ready for your promised porn…

Careful what you wish for

Click the pic for a closer look...

Click the pic for a closer look...

See, it’s a panel from some comic where a shemale Elvira has been arrested by a shemale cop for practicing witchcraft. Seems like she cast a spell “morphing” her “beautiful nipples” into “giant cocks“…which is totally illegal under section 13.5 A of the County Witchcraft Provision! And her punishment is a severe “cock fucking” with an UltraQuip 24 in. rubber grip, side handle police batonall the way down to her balls“…wow…really? WTF?

Have a great weekend!

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Reader Mail And BeaverBongs!

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Hey boners!

Sorry the FF posts have been so infrequent lately…you know how it goes, right? Sometimes life just gets in the way and all that.

But it’s back today, kids! So grab a bottle of your favorite personal warming lubricant and a box of tissues and come on!

Today we’re trying out something a little different…READER MAIL!

(You too can play along by sending me an email: mrcanacorn@gmail.com)

Don’t worry…I’ve only received one “letter” so far, so this will be quick…then we can get to today’s FF topic!

The dicks in question

The dicks in question

John Says:
March 27, 2009 at 8:14 pm

hi,
I liked your description of dickgirls/futanaria. We have a lot in common based on your profile including originating in the northeast and ending up in the southwest…and comics, and a fun “partner in crime”. Speaking of which…do you have any idea whatsoever how to find one of those fake cock setups that squirt etc…such as Maritza has? I would love to get one for my wife, who would absolutely go nuts with it…but I haven’t found anything at all. This is a last chance option…just wondering if you know something I don’t *smile* For that matter, I suppose I could make one if forced to…any thoughts on how they are attached? (are they attached??)
regards,
John

Okay…a little background…John is referring to this Fetish Fridays Post.

Well John, first things first….Thanks for reading FF (you might even try reading some of the other posts here at Awesomeness) and taking the time to write! And sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

So, let’s get to the, a-hem, meat of your letter! (See what I did there? You asked about cocks and I sai…oh, forget it.) I’m sorry to say, I don’t know where to get one of those fake cock setups…I did some “research” on the internet and came up empty handed. I even tried typing “How to make a fake squirting cock” into Google and everything. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

So then I decided to go to straight to the source! Maybe the creator of Futanaria would reveal his cock secrets?!

Well, turns out John isn’t the only one wondering how to get his hands on a giant, strap on, spurting fake cock…oh no, my friends! Quite a few people have been asking about these mysterious devices.

Giant spurting fake cock.

Giant spurting fake cock.

And Craddy (the man behind the Futanaria) is keeping everything about the ladies’ uh…pulsating penile protuberances totally top secret!

Sorry, John…can’t help ya’ buddy *frown*.

Okay…so much for that! Keep those letters (emails) coming, fetish fans!

Moving on!

A couple of weeks ago my blog buddy Myrtle left me this comment, “Have you seen that clip where the guy is taking a bong rip with a special bong that’s inserted into his girlfriends pussy? Try to find it – it’s barf central :-P”

To which I said, “No fucking way!?!? I’m on it! Pussy-bong here comes Canacorn!

And guess what I found. Not just a single clip…oh no…a whole damn website!

I got two words for you guys…well, two words that have been combined to make one word actually…

BEAVERBONG!

Hell ya bro!

Hell ya bro!

What’s it all about?

“WHEN YOU JUST CAN’T CHOOSE BETWEEN SEX AND WEED”

“BeaverBong.com knows how to party! If you love pussy, (who doesn’t) and love da bong (Dude, our girls ARE the bong!) YOU have got to party with us!”

Uh, so these dudes put bongs in girls vaginas…and smoke weed…out of their vagina bongs.

I believe that children are our future...

I believe that children are our future...

I don’t think I have anything else to say about that.

Here’s a song.

Fetish Fridays! Base For Your Face Special

Aye carumba!

Aye carumba!

Hey boners!

Sorry things have been a little quiet around these parts lately…you know how it goes…quit smoking (again)…get all despondent…you know that deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of any further effort on my part…and the despair and the cessation of effort or resistance that often implies acceptance or resignation of my complete lack of faith in myself…or whatever.

But enough about me!

Let’s get on with today’s Fetish Friday! And let me say, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of y’all are going to wish I took today off.

Sooooo, consider this a warning…those with sensitive hearts and impressionable minds should just click HERE and come back next week.

Go on now…go on…get!

Okay…are they gone?

Are you ready for this?

Today we go to a dark dark place….I found it on the internet a few weeks ago…it’s called:

CRACK WHORE CONFESSIONS!

It says on the box: No actual drug used depicted in this movie

It says on the box: No actual drug used depicted in this movie

And the website boasts, “Prepare to Scar Your Mind! Cracker Jack brings you shocking videos of Real Crack Whores telling their true life confessions about what these street walkers will do for their Johns. Hear insane tales of sex, drugs, violence, and life on the streets.

Damn! It’s like a bizarro mix of COPS and TAXICAB CONFESSIONS with a hearty helping of every HBO documentary about hookers and addicts ever made!

And…it has a theme song! That you can download!

You know, sometimes when I’m watching porn I think too much about the reality of what I’m seeing and what some of those young “actors” and “actresses” are going through in their lives…the self esteem issues, drug problems, social stigmas…and it really gets in the way of my enjoyment of all the double penetrations, throat gaggings, and extreme fistings

So why in the world would I want to watch a Crack Whore Granny Toothless Gum Job?

This crack whore Granny is best known for her famous toothless gum jobs!

This crack whore Granny is best known for her famous toothless gum jobs!

Or an 18 Year Old Cheerleader Turned Crack Whore?

Cracker Jack does not find fresh faces like this hooking on the stroll very often.

Cracker Jack does not find fresh faces like this hooking on the stroll very often.

I wouldn’t! Talk about depression….Jesus Christ…what the fuck man?

Who is jerking off to this?!

There’s over 150 damaged souls sucking and fucking for crack rock on this site!

And after watching Cracker Jack bang some of these broads without a fucking condom(?!) you can take a crack house tour! Hooray! Life sucks!

Who's Ready for Dinner?

Who's Ready for Dinner?

And to top it all off you can say, “Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

NOT ironic.

NOT ironic.

Wow….worst FF ever…

So, uh…here’s a Canacorn favorite to cheer us all up after today’s post:

ftsh frdys! nsfw txt styl

Gdnght swt prnc

Gdnght swt prnc

Hey there kids! Welcome back to another Fetish Fridays here at Awesomeness!

Today’s topic is RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!

And by ripped, I mean copied and pasted…and by headlines, I mean local morning news.

It seems that the teenagers are at it again!

These sex obsessed teeny boppers are no longer content with hot rods, burger joints, and rock and roll music!

Oh no, dear readers, these hopped up delinquents have discovered something more sinister than Elvis “The Pelvis” and jazz cigarettes!

It’s called SEXTING!

Yur tddy ber

Yur tddy ber

Now I know you’re wondering, “Just what is this Sexting anyway?”

Well, according to a KVUE news story I browsed on the internet,

Sexting is a new trend where teenagers send sexually explicit photographs through their cell phones.”

Wait a minute…cell phones take pictures? Like a camera?

Okay….if you say so.

So anyway, parents and teachers are getting all wack-a-doodle over this “social danger” and new form of “child pornography“!

Some parents are even thinking about homeschooling their kids because of the dangers of sexting! Really…check what Charles B. Lowers had to say:

Well, you thought that cell phone would keep your kid safe if there was another school shooting. Who knew the shots would actually be homemade porn made with that very same cell phone?!? File this under the complete pornification of our society. What’s an awkward teen boy do to get a date now? He sends a girl a picture of his junk. Parents, can I speak frankly here? If you are not considering homeschooling, you are completely nuts.

ZOUNDS! Child porn? The complete pornification of our society? Screw the adults, that’s some heavy shit for a teen to have to deal with.

And then there’s the thought of some jerk off using your explicit digital picture as a form of blackmail…or even worse…TEXTUAL HARASSMENT!

Old school!

Old school!

Now, I know I’m just some old fogey, but what happened to the good ol’ days when you just used your parent’s Polaroid to snap some naughty pictures of your wing-wang, hoo-ha, or even your wopbopaloobops?

Hardly anyone would see those incredibly hot (and maybe a tad bit embarrassing) sexual rights of passage back in my day!

Now, thanks to technology, those damn things are plastered all over 4 Chan and/or some creep’s blog, forever haunting you and possibly ruining your entire fucking life…forever.

You know what? I agree with Taylor High School junior, Nigel M., when he said, “I think it is a big deal. Maybe the parents need to be aware of what their kids are doing or whatever.

You tell ’em Nigel…’cause God knows I never want a child of mine ever sending or receiving a pic like this on their cell phone:

OMFG, sxting to teh xtrm!

OMFG, sxting to teh xtrm!

BOO-YA!

And that’s what NSFW is all about!

Later, boners…and thanks for waiting!

LYLAS!

Fetish Fridays! DIY And NSFW

Let’s get organized!

Let’s get organized!

Are you tired of paying too much money for overly complicated adult toys?

Do you find yourself frustrated with all those tangled wires and dangerous outlets that come with electrically powered marital aids?

Are you confused by outdated and convoluted laws prohibiting or regulating obscene devices in your home town?

Worry no more!

HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has all the do it yourself instructions for the horny READYMADE man and woman who enjoy creating unique items to have at home…crafted from everyday materials, including household items!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to buy a pocket pussy but just couldn’t muster up the courage to go into the local sex shop and plunk down my hard earned cash!

Well, thanks to HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, all I have to do is hit up the grocery store for some innocuous sundries, gather up a couple of things I have laying around Casa Canacorn and follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.

Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.

Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery fake pussy
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.

Wow! Pretty neat, right?! They have a ton more how tos over at HOMEMADE SEX TOYS like fuckable bean bag chairs, totally awesome lightsaber didlos and wack-a-doodle giant foam finger vibrators for you sports nuts!

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

Now, I know some of you guys and gals are so busy you don’t even have time to read the TV Guide, never mind fussing about with X-acto knives, duct tape, and toilet paper rolls.

Never fear, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has got your back! They’ll help you see with new eyes…

Just look around your house…there are a bunch of things you can stick your dick into, massage your clit with, or cram into your greedy asshole!

How about your TOOTHBRUSH?!

Hey now, why not use your CELL PHONE?!

Now why didn’t you think of that before? So simple and so genius….

I do believe we owe HOMEMADE SEX TOYS a big ol’, “Thank you,” don’t you?

Alright, I gotta’ get going, but one more picture and link before I beat feet.

This one is for all you Foodies that drop by Awesomeness every Friday…

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH, fruit and veggie vibrators!

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

They’re Nutritiously Orgasmic!

Thank you, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, you rule!
(And a thanks to Bwana for turning me on to HST, you rule too!)

Fetish Fridays! Now With Music And Still NSFW

Good morning, everyone. Before we get started with today’s post, I thought I’d share a little music video that served as this Friday’s inspiration*:

Now, now, don’t get all freaked out…I’m not going all J. G. Ballard on you…if that was the case, I’d slap you with this:

Amidoinitrite?

Amidoinitrite?

No, I’d rather talk about female ejaculation…you may be more familiar with the layman’s terms of squirting, gushing, or even shejaculation…but we’re going clinical today, kids.

I have no time for simple pornography this FF…not when dealing with such a hot button and controversial issue like Female Squirting Science!

Like most people, I feel overwhelmed by the number of questions I have about FSS, but am too embarrassed to ask my mother about it…so let’s do the smart thing and ask Google Answers’cause I’m pretty sure my mom has no fucking idea what squirting is.

The freshest, most exciting taste in the marketplace

The freshest, most exciting taste in the marketplace

Well, lookee here, someone named wloh-ga has already asked Google…this is great, my work is halfway done!

Let’s see if wloh-ga and I have the same questions?

Subject: Female Squirting science
Category: Science > Biology
Asked by: wloh-ga

“When a woman squirts, where is it coming from and what is it? how to make a female squirt? Is every female capable of squirting? how does a female make herself squirt? How do I know that it is not urine?”

Damn fine questions, if I do say so myself, but if I were wloh-ga, I might request some diagrams and clinical studies, or….

Wait! This just in: Clarification of Question by wloh-ga

“If possible, links to diagrams, case studies and scientific reports and evidence that could potentially be interpreted and made into ‘simple’ language for an average layperson to understand.
thank you kindly!”

Alright! Now we’re getting somewhere! Let’s get to the scientific facts!

Uh, Jesus Christ…I just tried reading this crap…the joker who answered decided to write a fucking novel of boring sentences filled with stupid words like, “hypothesis, percentages, paraurethral, analogous, and prestigious.”

And to make matters worse, he posted links to pictures like this one:

Not sexy or informative

Not sexy or informative

BLAGH! What the fuck, dude?! Has no one taught you how to use the fucking internet? God, that’s so grody….Christ…seriously…

You know what? This FF has totally been ruined. I’m sorry, I just can’t deal with crap like that junking up my computer. What an asshole….

You know, there’s only one thing I can think of that can fix this TOTAL FAIL of a post.

Japan-Squirt Competition: Another game from Japan, the girls got milk filling in there ass and they squirt them out as far as possible.

YES!!! Now that’s what the internet is for!

*A tip of the ol’ hat should go to Yum-Yum‘s amazing taste in music…which can be found in the Schmerzen Hören section of The House Of Self-Indulgence, of course!