Two For Tuesdays

And you were expecting something awesome?

Oh crap, what day is it?

Tuesday?!

Wow, way to disappoint Canacorn…a whole week since your last post?

Heh.

Um..about that…I’m just lazy I guess.

So with that being said, I might as well keep this blog-train a rollin’ straight past disappointment and into complete and total failure…

Who’s hungry for some TACO*!?!?

Anyone?

Okay, okay…I get it, you’re worried I’m gonna’ hit you up with Puttin’ On The Ritz? Believe me, I was tempted, but you should have a little more faith in your ol’ buddy.

Let’s kick things off with, Under My Tight Skin!

Oh Taco, you ARE awesome!

What else you got for us today?

How about, Tell Me That You Like It (I’d like to dedicate the top and hairdo worn by the announcer at the beginning of this video to my pal, Yum-Yum, and the fabulous dancers to my Auntie John!)

Man, these live performances are truly works of art! I love how the post-Ritz-Taco is this bizarre combination of Wayne Newton and Perez Hilton!

I just have to play one more video…if only to thoroughly disgust Bwana and completely piss off Myrtle:

Last stop: Heart Break City

There’s your daily awesome for today….thank me later….

Canacorn out!

*No, One Night In Bangkok is not a Taco song…That’s

Back From The Dead!

Well hello there, boners!

It’s me, your old pal Mr. Canacorn….ummm, hello?

Is anyone out there?

Christ, I know it’s been like 4 fucking months, but where did everybody go?

Now looking at my blog stats, I see the good ol’ porn dogs of the internets have been sniffing around Awesomeness looking for their beloved Fetish Fridays…but it looks like all my blog buddies have moved along.

This is exactly what DH school is like....seriously.

Hell, I can’t blame you kids…I’ve been a horrible blogger and blog reader/commenter recently.

I just haven’t had the time what with Dental Hygiene School.

That’s right, Mr. C is one semester closer to realizing his dream of becoming a dental hygienist!

Can you even imagine the beautifully manicured hands of one Mr. Canacorn rooting around in your buccal cavity?!

Well, you’ll have to wait a few more semesters for that wet dream to come to true!

But get this…I’ve got 5 whole weeks off and it’s high time to start serving up some marvelous shit to get your pants areas all wet! That’s right…AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE is back!

So let’s celebrate with a video…oh, and it’s a small hint of what tomorrow’s FF will be about…

Okay then…welcome back, methe internets are a little bit brighter again!

Canacorn out!

I’m Not Mad…

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Hey boners, remember a couple weeks ago when I was all,

“OMFG! You guys totally need to watch TIPTOES! Seriously, it’s going to be soooo fucking awesome!”

Weeeeell, I take it back.

Ya’ll really don’t. Not the whole movie. Just stick to the trailer that’s making its way around the blogs and save yourselves 90 minutes of the “Up With Midgets!” message that TIPTOES has to offer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against little people, but TIPTOES is no UNDER THE RAINBOW! Heh…UNDER THE RAINBOWwhy isn’t that on dvd yet?!

Anyway, my friend Dave over at SMELLS LIKE SCREEN SPIRIT hit the nail on the head when he said he felt that TIPTOES was just disappointing. The plot, the direction, Gary Oldman‘s “role of a lifetime“…all of it…just plain disappointing.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Wasted talent.

Wasted talent.

I mean, the filmmakers had so many opportunities to make this one a winner…at one point, Kate Beckinsale says to Matthew McConaughey, “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!”

Me too! Come on! Seriously, why the fuck didn’t Matthew Bright throw that scene in there?!

Oh, and you have Bridget The Midget in your fucking movie!

Hellooooo…She’s an American erotic film actress with dwarfism for Christ’s sake!

I know it’s too much to ask for Matthew and Gary to Eiffel Tower* her, but at least show some naked midget flesh!

Look, in my humble opinion, if you have a little person that doesn’t mind parading her tiny assets around on film, take full advantage of that!

What’s so difficult about this?

Okay, I’ve said my piece…so, in closing:

Watch the trailer to TIPTOES, not the movie.

*Oh, in case you’re wondering…this is The Eiffel Tower:

Fuck yeah, Bro!

Fuck yeah, Bro!

Two For Tuesdays…Sort Of

Every Monday I head on over to The House Of Self-Indulgence to see what music videos Yum-Yum has hand picked to tickle my visual, vestibular, auditory and proprioceptive inputs.

And yesterday there were two songs by two ladies that tickled my pinks and blacks!

First, my pinks:

Listen to a couple more of Renee’s sweet and quirky songs on her MySpace page.

Now, my blacks:

Hey, waddayaknow, Geneva’s got her dark and slutty songs up on her MySpace thingy too!

Wouldn’t it be cool if these two stone foxes were sisters and you were best friends with their brother? I mean, imagine all the boners you would get just being in the same room with one of them, and then imagine all the boners your boners would get if they were in the same room at the same time?!

Christ, I gotta’ take a cold shower…

80s Prom Awesomeness

Please press play…

Who's Bad?

Who's Bad?


Well guess which bodacious couple crashed the 80s prom at the Austin Country Club?

If you’re like, “The Canacorns, duh.”

Then I’d be all like, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Of course it was us!

I was a worried that my suit was a little too much early 90s Robert Van Winkle and not enough late 80s Corey Feldman…but no one seemed to notice…so whatevs

The Wife was looking like a stone cold fox…what with the tan lines, crunchy bangs and the 7 month baby belly:

Goin' on a Manhunt!

Goin' on a Manhunt!

And like Mr. and Mrs. H, we looked gorgeous!

Bring On The Dancing Horses

Bring On The Dancing Horses

But we didn’t go alone…oh no…we brought friends! Say hello to Kyle and Ashley Carrington! (See more of these kooks HERE!)

The Way It Is

The Way It Is

We posed for a few pics outside before heading inside Casa Canacorn for a few drinks…

Is it Raining Men?

Is it Raining Men?

Meeting In The Ladie's Room

Meeting In The Ladie's Room

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

These boys Like To Party All The Time

These boys Like To Party All The Time

Alright, enough loosening up for the drive…let’s cross the tracks and get our Prom on! And what a fancy prom it was! There was all sorts of booze and snacks…they even had sliders!

Hurts So Good

Hurts So Good

Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Belly?

Get Out Of My Dreams And Into My Belly?

After chowing down it was time for some authentic 80s dancing to our totally radical 80s cover band, The Neomaxizoomdweebies (Uh, truth be told, I don’t remember what they were called)!

These guys had The Eye Of The Tiger

These guys had The Eye Of The Tiger

Getting Physical!

Getting Physical!

Lets Dance!

Lets Dance!

Maneaters

Maneaters

Even though none of us were crowned King and Queen, we still had a great time…you know, just like the Brat Packers used to have back in the good old 1980s!

Oh, we even got a prom picture!

Just The Two Of Us

Just The Two Of Us

Boner-ific!

shitstorm Not everyone has a friend like SHITSTORM.

I met her on Myspace…which I hardly ever log into anymore.

But when SHITSTORM leaves me a comment I just can’t stay away.

Actually, I’m pretty sure she isn’t even real. I think I created this demented pixie as a way of dealing with my tendencies towards neo-Luddite, nihilist and anarcho-primitivist behaviors…or whatever.

Obviously she’s a manifestation of my very own spiritual scientist…an expert at making boners appear in my pants area by showing me things like this:

Real or not, thanks to SHITSTORM, I’m certain that EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!…and that’s just the way I like it.

Premio Dardo…Major Award Or Cyber Herpes?

majorprizetelegram

Would you look at that? Looks like me, Mr. Canacorn, is the proud recipient of a Premio Dardo Award! That’s right, my favorite Unkle and Auntie over at Kindertrauma were kind enough to bestow the prestigious P to the D to me (and 4 other awesome bloggers) a few days ago.

Wow…that’s just great…I’m flattered…now…um…what the fuck is it?

dardo-1 Basically, it’s a form of cyber herpe (not to be confused with a space herpe) that us promiscuous bloggers seem to catch by romping all over the damn internet rubbing our cyber junk on every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a blog of their own.

Actually, there’s a better description of The Dart Award over at K-Squared Ramblings if you prefer a little more research and less sarcasm with your explanations….but I’m fond of the whole herpes thing.

Honestly, I am really flattered that the Kindertrauma boys picked me…I mean, if I’m going to catch some sort of cyber herpes from the internet, I can’t think of a nicer couple of guys to get it from.

So, I guess I should make with some viral shedding and recognize 5 other “unique voices and visions on the Web” and “promote fraternization amongst bloggers of all sorts” already.

A-hemAs Mayor of the Altered State of Druggachusetts, I declare these blogs to be…AWESOME!

NUMBER 1: THE NAKED JUNGLE

Make your house a home with the Paul Snider Sex Bench!

Make your house a home with the Paul Snider Sex Bench!


It’s the “Official blog” of Gorillanaut.com, so not only do you get links to movie reviews, but you also get posts about invisible raping gorillas, monsters, and Zebedy Colt!

…um, full disclosure here…I’m friends with Bwana and occasionally write a review or two for G’Naut, but that doesn’t mean I love his blog any more than the next four on this here list…

NUMBER 2: CHRIS’S INVINCIBLE SUPER-BLOG

This really captures the whole spirit of this award, don't cha' think?

This really captures the whole spirit of this award, don't cha' think?


Oh, The ISB…I can’t say enough good things about Chris’s blog…he’s been accused of hilarity, sarcasm, and straight up mockery of comic books and the comic industry, but it’s his unflinching and undying love of the medium that keeps me coming back on a daily basis. Listen up nerds, if you want more Silver Age references than you can shake a Super-Science Stick at, The ISB is the blog for you! Curious about what to buy at ye olde comic shoppe? The ISB has got you covered with The Week In Ink…you get the best reviews of the latest releases and it always comes with a guaranteed kick in the face!

NUMBER 3: LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE

You'll find a god in every golden cloister And if you're lucky then the god's a she

You'll find a god in every golden cloister And if you're lucky then the god's a she

A gay friend once told me that White guys that are only into Asian chicks are at the last stop on the train to Gay Town…and I couldn’t agree more. But what does that have to do with the Tenebrous One’s blog? Um…uh…they both involve trains? Okay, nothing, but I’ve always wanted to get that out on my blog…anyway…back to The Love Train

Just who runs this creepy little corner of the internet? Why it’s your tenebrous hostess, Tenebrous Kate! She’s a Libra that’s into Eurotrash movies, long walks through creepy castles, and she’s got a thing for nuns….She’s a member of The League of Tana Tea Drinkers
and she met a real live Krampus this year! Wow.

Number 4: HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE

Likes taupe

Likes taupe

Okay, okay, I know I’ve been sucking the teet of this blog for weeks now, but I just love it so damn much! Yum-Yum‘s taste in everything from movies to music just warms my cold little heart…and thanks to this site I’ve been turned on to Dallas firecracker and Casa Canacorn official Goddess, Mary Cherry! For that alone, I am eternally at Yum-Yum‘s service.

SSSSHHH…Don’t tell The Wife (or Auntie John), but I think I’m totally cyber crushing on Yum-Yum.

Number 5: ZOMBIE VS SHARK

You know, sometimes with my busy schedule, I don’t have time to read the T.V. Guide…never mind some blog that’s all, “Blah, blah, blah, fucking blah,” all the live long day. Well that’s why someone with a bigger brain than mine made Tumblr.

Blogs on Tumblr are fun and easy, breezy, beautiful, like some sort of cover girl or whatever. And the Christie Brinkley of Tumblr blogs that I visit just happens to belong to Justin.

This young man has a taste for the finer things in life, like, “photography, zombies, Star Wars, rock n’ roll, cupcakes, Godzilla, ninjas, boobs, and explosions.” I can totally get on board with all of the above. Well done, sir…well done.

Whew…and that’s probably the most link heavy post I ever done did. If you have some free time this week, check out these five awesome bloggers for a walk on the wild side…’cause all the colored girls go, “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
.”

One Witch And A Zombi

Chaos 1978-86

Wicked Witch: Chaos 1978-86

Okay Boners, let’s take a break from all the pornography for a few posts and talk about one of my other loves…VINYL.

As some of y’all know, Mr. Canacorn is a bona fide LP junkie..and I’ve been on a record buying tear the past couple of weeks. So, for the next couple of days I’d though I’d share my most recent purchases with the faithful readers of Awesomeness.

First up is Wicked Witch: Chaos 1978-86. I bought this one for the cover alone…I mean, how could this not be awesome, right? We’ve got a brother decked out in his best “Saturday Night Out” black leather and spikes ensemble complete with a fucking hunting knife strapped to his boot! Dear Black people, why don’t y’all dress like this anymore? The leather, fox tails, cowboy hats, space suits, body paint….Christ, what the fuck happened to you, man? Shit, your ass used to be beautiful!

Anyway, you can read a review of Chaos at Dusted Magazine right HERE or just read my take on it:

The music on this record could very well be the soundtrack to that night where I was chloroformed at a urinal in an after hours gay club while partying with John Larroquette and Jeffrey Jones way back in 1982. I remember waking up in a seedy basement wearing nothing but a Marilyn Monroe wig, Minnetonka Moccasins, and a dirty French toile drop-cup nursing nightgown, covered in some sort of something I could only describe as an incompressible Newtonian fluid. What happened for the next 48 hours was similar to a ketamine inspired fever dream of ickyness. Sure, it was all kind of creepy, but possibly the best weekend I’ve ever had. Wicked Witch is dirty electro-funk for the adventurous at its best!” -Mr. C

Cosmos

Zombi: Cosmos

Next up is Cosmos by prog-rockers and the bastard children of Goblin and John Carpenter circa 1980, Zombi.

Joe (from the New Worlds Fair blog) and Finner (of the awesome Baron Grod) have been all over these dudes since this record came out in 2004.

I’ve heard them off and on for the past 5 years but never got around to picking up any of their stuff until now. Why? I have no idea. This duo is making music that is so far up my alley I can taste last night’s dinner…seriously, if you’ve been jonesing for a long lost soundtrack to some obscure 80s Italian thriller this is the band for you. They even have a new record coming out this year called Spirit Animal so you have no reason to not get your Zombi on!

Oh, and they’re from PITTSBURGH…not sure why that matters? Watch some more movies.

The New Hotness From G’Naut

what-kind-large Guess what, Boners?

There are some new reviews (actually, I was told by one of my coworkers that they’re not really reviews so much as explaining what happened in a movie…but you know what I mean) over at Gorillanaut!

What’s Gorillanaut, you ask? Well, according to Cedric Washington III of the Angola Times, it’s, “…a delirious treat…grisly but fun.

And according to The Wife, it’s,”…a fun thing for you to do with your buddy since your little buddy-to-be is not done cooking yet.

So, um, basically it’s yet another cult/horror/porn movie site…but this one is different since Bwana Beast and I (under the alias of MoonBoy…I know, sounds kind of gay, but it’s a Jack Kirby reference…Devil Dinosaur anyone? No? Whatever.) waste valuable hours of our lives writing reviews for it.*

And we’ve recently wasted some more valuable hours just for you!

Check out my reviews of all 3 of Larry Cohen’s IT’S ALIVE films!

What a beautiful experience.

What a beautiful experience.

Be sure to feast your eyes on Bwana’s take on WITHOUT WARNING:

It Preys On Human Fear. It Feeds On Human Flesh.

It Preys On Human Fear. It Feeds On Human Flesh.

Bwana also whips out his review of the Satanic Porn classic, THE DEVIL INSIDE HER!

This man has an extremely elastic scrotum.

This man has an extremely elastic scrotum.

Oh, and if reading’s not your thing, we have pictures of naked chicks too.

That’s it for now, see ya’ tomorrow for Fetish Fridays!

*By valuable, I mean spare…and by hours, I mean minutes.

Snapshot Of Awesomeness

It’s nice to open up an email from a buddy and find this inside:

lindsay-lee-bigfoot

How’s that for awesome?