Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

vlcsnap-64802 Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

vlcsnap-73543 I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…

And I was all,

Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

vlcsnap-75269 And then he was all,

Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

vlcsnap-75610 So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

vlcsnap-84916Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

vlcsnap-87168 You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident(sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

vlcsnap-121073A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

vlcsnap-119275Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!

vlcsnap-109465

See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

Nice duck.

Is It Me You’re Looking For?

Oh wow, nice Milan Williams bust!

Oh wow, nice Milan Williams bust!

Here’s a Canacorn fun fact…actually, it’s more of a Canacorn confession:

I didn’t know Lionel Richie was in The Commodores until 1995.

Yeah…I know. He was only the fucking front man of one of the biggest funk/soul bands of the 1970s.

Sue me.

Anyway, you guys remember the video for The Black Barry Manilow‘s super awesome ballad, “Hello“?

You know, the one where “there’s something going on in the sculpture class“?

You don’t?!

Well, shit, let’s watch it now!

Wouldn’t it be cool to try and sculpt Lionel’s bust blindfolded?

Well, the fine folks at Lean Mean Fighting Machine thought so…and they made a video…I think you ought to check it out (make sure you watch the whole thing to see the amazing results)!

Wow! They’re all wonderful. All those kids get an A++++!

A Vice Magazine Article

I just finished reading THOMAS MORTON‘s MEDIEVAL SLIMES (Two Weeks of Living Disgustingly) this morning and really just had to share…

Oh, a quick Canacorn Fun Fact: I wore a fucking bib until I was seven and can’t stand the thought of being dirty.

Enjoy!

2 “According to such sources as Hollywood, history textbooks, and the word on the street, the Middle Ages were a thousand-year grunge revival in which everybody walked around covered in fleas and mud and you could tell a person’s class by the particular stench of their balls. This is total bullshit. I know this because I just spent two weeks adhering strictly to premodern hygiene techniques and aside from a few skid marks, unexplained sores, heavy dandruff, lots of smegma, and a possible case of Saint Anthony’s fire, I turned out fine. Here’s how it went.”

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE!…if you can stomach chamber pots, greasy balls, and pus filled welts…

“Uh Oh, Chongo!”

This is quite possibly the coolest and nerdiest thing I've ever seen.

This is quite possibly the coolest and nerdiest thing I've ever seen.

Here’s a Canacorn Fun Fact: I get up at 5:30am every weekday morning….even if I don’t have to.

I know, it sounds crazy…but I’m pretty sure that I’m slowly becoming a daywalker in my advancing years.

And get this, every morning a song (or two) gets stuck in my head while I perform my morning routines of cat feeding, coffee making, showering, and dressing. I’m not quite sure why some songs pop into the ol’ noggin on certain days, but I am convinced that these songs are some sort of horoscope…a predictive musical composition based on celestial influences to guide me through my day….or whatever.

Today I totally got an unrelated(?) two-fer….the first song was The Beach BoysI Know There’s An Answer…not the whole thing…mostly it was the chorus and the weird ass harmonica and banjo breakdown that happens around 1:40 into the song.

Okay, not too hard to figure out what I should be gleaming from that one…but then it morphed into the opening theme to The Banana Splits Adventure Hour?!

danger_islandHMMMMMMMMMMM, I’m not so sure if there’s any message hidden in all the Tra-La-Las, but I do know that when I think of one of my all time favorite childhood shows I can’t help but be reminded of DANGER ISLAND!

DANGER ISLAND was one of those childhood memories that was difficult to explain to friends during the dark days before The Internet existed.

I’d be all, “You remember, I know you do! A pre-AIRWOLF Jan Michael Vincent was on this island, and there were pirates, headhunters painted up like skeletons, a cool Black dude, and some crazy guy named Chongo that only speaks in some wacky gibberish?

Blank stares….

It had a really cool theme song…kind of Neil Hefti‘s BATMAN-ish sounding…and…and…

Even blanker stares and serious signs of disinterest….

Then I’d yell, “Uh oh, Chongo!

And then I’d be sitting by myself…again.

Well, fuck a bunch of that! It’s 2009, you ignorant sons-a-bitches, and all the DANGER ISLAND episodes are on YouTube! So it’s time to get hip and go traipsing down memory lane with your buddy, Mr. Canacorn…starting now!

Here’s the first episode:

Now go watch the rest of them HERE and amaze your friends with you new found knowledge of something cooler than the latest shitty episode of LOST…or whatever crap you kids are watching these days.

Hey, anybody else remember THE ARABIAN KNIGHTS?

Fetish Fridays! NSF…You Should Know By Now

giant-black-cock Well I was all set to do a Black History Month post for Fetish Fridays this week, but I just can’t do it.

I’m sorry Black Americans…it’s just that I haven’t had a godamned fucking cigarette in days and I’m going out of my godamned fucking mind over here!

I can’t focus…I have no desire to surf the web and cobble together a half decent post for the faithful FF readers…

Oh give me a break, you know what, find your own stupid fucking porn you lazy sacks of shit! What else do you need me to do for this morning?! You need me to come over and grind your fucking coffee for you?! Need more butter on your toast, motherfucker?! Well fuck you, you lucky son of a bitch! I hope you enjoy your fabulous fucking day doing everything you want to fucking do because you’re so fucking awesome….oh my…

…uh, sorry, it’s the cravings talking. I didn’t mean it. I like doing FF for you guys. It’s just that I’ve become a miserable bastard these past few days. The Wife can’t stand me, my coworkers are scared of me…Hell, I’m so sick and tired of all my bitching and moaning I want to punch myself in the fucking dick already.

My brain is seriously fried…the world has become a horrible place…I wish I could show you what I’m going through…I’m confused…disorientated…scared

Oh, okay…peep this…this video is what a typical workday looks like to me without cigarettes:

What the fuck, right? I’m telling you, I’m not right without my smokey friends.

Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Canacorn can’t have a cigarette…I know, I suck…fuck off already. You don’t understand…I’m a fucking mess. You know what I did the other day? I bought The Wife a Valentine’s Day present…it was a cute bunny necklace she really wanted way back in August of last year. Great job, huh? What an awesome husband I am!

Yeah…she liked it so much SHE ALREADY BOUGHT THE DAMN THING FOR HERSELF…MONTHS AGO…AND I’VE SEEN HER WEAR IT…MORE THAN ONCE!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

Now it’s last minute V-Day shopping with the rest of the fucking lame ass husbands and boyfriends that are forcing themselves to buy something…anything…so they can hopefully get a blowjob on their fucking birthday or so she’ll shut the fuck up already about whatever it is she never shuts the fuck up about. Which fucking sucks, ’cause I’m not like those guys.

See? The moaning and complaining is fucking nauseating. God, why have you forsaken me?!

Okay, one last image before I go to work and suffer for another excruciating 24 hours.

freaksofcock

Hey, Hippocrates!

The Father Of Medicine, Y'all

The Father Of Medicine, Y'all

What do you know about dental hygiene?

“When a woman’s mouth smells and her gums are black and unhealthy; one burns, separately, the head of a hare, and three mice, after having taken out the intestines of two of them (not however the liver or kidneys): one pounds in a stone mortar some marble and whitstone, and passes it through a sieve; one then mixes equal parts of these ingredients and with this mixture one rubs the teeth and the interior of the mouth; afterward one rubs them again with greasy wool and one washes the mouth with water. One soaks the dirty wool in honey and with it rubs the gums inside and outside. One pounds dill and anise seeds, 2 aboles of myrrh: one immerses these substances in half a cotyle of pure white wine; one then rinses the mouth with it, holding it in the mouth for some time; this is to be done frequently and the mouth to be rinsed with said preparation fasting and after each meal. The medicament described above cleans the teeth and gives them a sweet smell.”Hippocrates

Thanks, bro!

99 Rivington Street

pboutique-001 Has it really been 20 years since a teenage Mr. Canacorn went to the mall to buy one of his most cherished records of all time?

I know I’ve been talking about some of my more recent LP purchases the past couple of days, but today is kind of special, so I’m going to spotlight an old record…

Paul’s Boutique by The Beastie Boys and The Dust Brothers (including Matt Dike) just might be my all time favorite record ever made.

pboutique-002 I couldn’t stop listening to this record for a year straight back in 89 and I still revisit it in one form or another to this day.

Lyrically it’s a ton of fun and with over a hundred samples packed into 15 tracks it never bores me. In fact, I just downloaded a commentary track from the Beastie‘s site, just in case I didn’t learn everything I possibly could about PB from Dan Leroy’s 33 1/3 book back in 06.

And really, it’s the only double gatefold record I own…still…to this day. And how cool is that?

pboutique-004

Pretty fucking cool, old man…pretty fucking cool.