Zen And The Art Of Police Work

I know I’ve been away from the internet for a while, so bringing up Steven Seagal Lawman on the first day of 2010 is probably old news…

But I’m gonna’ do it anyway.

I finally caught a few episodes and just had to say something about how fucking awesome this show is. I know some of y’all would argue my definition of awesome, but bear with me….

Every episode pretty much follows the same format:

Seagal hangs out with his “hand-selected elite team” of likable, portly deputies for a while then they get in their police cruisers and drive around listening to the police scanner for “crimes in progress.”

Luckily, there seems to be quite a bit of downtime, so Seagal can talk about Zen, dojos, and all sorts of Oriental stuff while his partner tries to concentrate on driving.

They make their way through Jefferson Parish until they hit some sort of quota of people yelling, “It’s Steven Seagal,” and then their scanner goes off!

The boys in blue race to the scene while Seagal stares out of the passenger side using his weird Zen powers to scan the area for crime…and we know he’s doing this ’cause of the Terminator-vision and the cool whoosing sound effects the show uses!

Once they roll up on the suspicious persons it never fails that one of the perps takes off running…this is not good for our rotund, middle aged peace officers.

The chase that ensues is always the same: Skinny crook runs like the wind and hops about five fences while Steven and his chunky cops lag behind grousing about their knees between labored breaths. The boys eventually get back in their cars and track down the suspects whereabouts thanks to Steven‘s Chinese magic!

Once the crook is cuffed the first thing out of his mouth is, “It’s Steven Seagal! I’m being arrested by Steven Seagal!” Then everyone laughs like the end of an A-Team episode….but it doesn’t stop there…after the police work is done we’re treated to Steven helping out a fellow cop pass a shooting range test through the use of Ancient Chinese Secrets, or perform wacky Chinese acupuncture on one of his buddies, or sing songs to orphans, or talk to dogs…you know, all the usual stuff Steven does on his off time from busting the bad guys and taking down double quarter pounders with cheese.

I know it seems like I’m bagging on Steven and his show, but I really do like it.

Sure he’s put on a few pounds, but he comes off as a pretty cool dude and he’s still a bad ass. There may not be much danger and arm breaking, but he can still shoot the head off a match and laugh when someone tells him “Sacky Chan” might not be able to beat him in a fight but Chuck Norris would whoop his ass.

So if you’re bored, check your local listings and treat yourself to a little Seagal this year…you’ll thank me later.

Namaste and Canacorn out!

Two For Tuesdays

And you were expecting something awesome?

Oh crap, what day is it?

Tuesday?!

Wow, way to disappoint Canacorn…a whole week since your last post?

Heh.

Um..about that…I’m just lazy I guess.

So with that being said, I might as well keep this blog-train a rollin’ straight past disappointment and into complete and total failure…

Who’s hungry for some TACO*!?!?

Anyone?

Okay, okay…I get it, you’re worried I’m gonna’ hit you up with Puttin’ On The Ritz? Believe me, I was tempted, but you should have a little more faith in your ol’ buddy.

Let’s kick things off with, Under My Tight Skin!

Oh Taco, you ARE awesome!

What else you got for us today?

How about, Tell Me That You Like It (I’d like to dedicate the top and hairdo worn by the announcer at the beginning of this video to my pal, Yum-Yum, and the fabulous dancers to my Auntie John!)

Man, these live performances are truly works of art! I love how the post-Ritz-Taco is this bizarre combination of Wayne Newton and Perez Hilton!

I just have to play one more video…if only to thoroughly disgust Bwana and completely piss off Myrtle:

Last stop: Heart Break City

There’s your daily awesome for today….thank me later….

Canacorn out!

*No, One Night In Bangkok is not a Taco song…That’s

NSFW Snapshot Of Awesomeness

tattooSooooo, I found this picture on the internets this morning…

You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

What the fuck, right?!

I mean, seriously

Can you believe that shit?!

It’s driving me crazy over here

I’ve been looking at it for hours and I still can’t figure it out…

What the fuck is up with that dude’s tattoo?!

tattoo

Things I Decided Today

Okay, since we’ll never get another episode of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT…I suggest that Mitchell Hurwitz should hit us up with a spin-off.

Anyone remember the Bill Bixby show from the early 70s called THE MAGICIAN?

Magic, bitches!

Magic, bitches!

It was about a playboy magician that solved crimes…with magic! Pretty rad, right?

A trick is something a whore does for money...

A trick is something a whore does for money...

Well, why not tweak that idea and make it a comedy with Will Arnett reprising his role as GOB as the crime busting illusionist?!

Imagine the hilarity…all the old gang could make cameos…The whole Bluth clan and especially The Hot Cops, Mr. Bananagrabber, and the lovable African-American puppet, Franklin!

I know, I know….I’m practically a fucking genius here….still not sold?

Okay, watch this old intro to THE MAGICIAN but imagine GOB as the titular character instead of Bill Bixby

See what I’m sayin’? I’ll call Hollywood.

WTF Is Up At Awesomeness?

wtf Hey boners!

I know, I know, where the fuck have I been and what’s up with stuff, right?

Well, the short of it is, The Wife and I just had a baby Canacorn about a month ago and I’ve been knida’ busy doing all sorts of new dad type stuff.

Which means not much time for dicking around on the internets or watching many movies…and certainly not much time for blogging.

I have been visiting my old haunts (see the links in yon sidebar)…but more as a lurker than a commenter…so don’t be offended if you haven’t heard from lil’ ol’ me as of late.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Anyhoo, I did want to check in with youse guys to tell you about a new show I caught on The Travel Channel the other night.

It’s called Bite ME With Dr. Mike!

Who’s Dr. Mike? Well, that’s the good doctor in the picture…the guy holding the handful of Giant Intestinal Roundworms that he just shit out of his ass….seriously…I saw him do it on the teevee.

So, this bat shit insane crazy man that claims to be a Dr. goes to Third World Countries and eats dirty food, drinks filthy water, and lets all sorts of bugs and animals chew on his flesh…all in the name of SCIENCE…or whatever.

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

It’s truly fascinating….and Dr. Mike is so goddamn enthusiastic about getting leeches attached to his back and ass, drinking the “brown soup of excrement and industrial effluents” that is the Ganges River, and getting caught in the middle of a monkey gang fight, that the show has become a Casa Canacorn favorite after only one episode!

That’s right, you heard me…monkey gangs had a rumble and Dr. Mike was in a “drive by” biting.

You can’t make this shit up…

Oh, peep the teaser to the episode I saw:

Anyway, I just wanted to let you kids know that I’m alive and to hip y’all to crazy Dr. Mike and his amazing ass worms….

Canacorn out!*

*yeah, still trying to make that work….

Snapshot Of Awesomeness

hair bare bunch

These guys rule…seriously. I like to call them The Hair Bare Bunch.

Oh, anyone else seen Just Can’t Get Enough: The True Story of The Chippendales’ Murders? It totally fucking rules..maybe I’ll blog about it some day.

Now Cracks A Noble Heart

teenwolf-1

Wait…what? Oh…never mind.