Fetish Fridays! DIY And NSFW

Let’s get organized!

Let’s get organized!

Are you tired of paying too much money for overly complicated adult toys?

Do you find yourself frustrated with all those tangled wires and dangerous outlets that come with electrically powered marital aids?

Are you confused by outdated and convoluted laws prohibiting or regulating obscene devices in your home town?

Worry no more!

HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has all the do it yourself instructions for the horny READYMADE man and woman who enjoy creating unique items to have at home…crafted from everyday materials, including household items!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to buy a pocket pussy but just couldn’t muster up the courage to go into the local sex shop and plunk down my hard earned cash!

Well, thanks to HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, all I have to do is hit up the grocery store for some innocuous sundries, gather up a couple of things I have laying around Casa Canacorn and follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.

Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.

Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery fake pussy
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.

Wow! Pretty neat, right?! They have a ton more how tos over at HOMEMADE SEX TOYS like fuckable bean bag chairs, totally awesome lightsaber didlos and wack-a-doodle giant foam finger vibrators for you sports nuts!

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

Now, I know some of you guys and gals are so busy you don’t even have time to read the TV Guide, never mind fussing about with X-acto knives, duct tape, and toilet paper rolls.

Never fear, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has got your back! They’ll help you see with new eyes…

Just look around your house…there are a bunch of things you can stick your dick into, massage your clit with, or cram into your greedy asshole!

How about your TOOTHBRUSH?!

Hey now, why not use your CELL PHONE?!

Now why didn’t you think of that before? So simple and so genius….

I do believe we owe HOMEMADE SEX TOYS a big ol’, “Thank you,” don’t you?

Alright, I gotta’ get going, but one more picture and link before I beat feet.

This one is for all you Foodies that drop by Awesomeness every Friday…

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH, fruit and veggie vibrators!

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

They’re Nutritiously Orgasmic!

Thank you, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, you rule!
(And a thanks to Bwana for turning me on to HST, you rule too!)

I Can Watch This All Day


Oh, and I seriously love me some breakfast from Dennys.

Sorry, No Fetish Fridays Today

I was busy watching this:

thewrestler

Go see it…it made me cry.

Send Me An Angel

Even though I don’t know how to ride a bike, I can’t deny the awesomeness that is this clip:

Want more RAD? Head over to Branded In The 80s and get your fill!

Man-Up Mondays!

Say What? A Man-Up?!

You bet, kids…but it’s a quick one.

You know him, you admire him…hell, some of you heathen monkeys even fear him!

It’s ROGER “RACE” T. BANNON!

A man who cracked wise in the face of danger!

This man was my hero for years. Learn a little something about one of the toughest men to ever be animated!

Man-Up Mondays!

Alright…things have been fruiter than Fruit Stripe Gum over here at Awesomeness for far too long! It’s time I Man-Up myself and put on my heroic-hetero hat, slam a few morning beers, and get back to some he-man type stuff!

So, let’s MAN-UP already! I’m going with a super macho dude this Monday…a real man that can live up to the respect I humbly throw at them with my link-heavy blog posts!

And there’s not many men who are even half the man Andy Sidaris was!

AP photo by SUSAN STERNER

AP photo by SUSAN STERNER

Even though Andy was a sports teevee pioneer, I won’t hold it against him. I mean, he did give the world his Triple B Series of films! What? you’re not familiar with the Three Bs?!

Hold on right there…I’m talking BULLETS, BOMBS, AND BABES, people!

I think anyone who has watched even one of Malibu Bay‘s movies would agree with me when I say, “You will NOT be disappointed with one frame of any of his totally fucking awesome movies!

You have inspired dialogue:

Beautiful locations:

And stunning costumes:

See? What did I tell you?

Be sure to stop by ANDY SIDARIS DOTCOM for more neat stuff!

For some great info on one of Man-Up’s manliest, check out G. Noel Gross’ tribute over at CineSchlock-O-Rama! You wont be disappointed…there’s an interview with Andy and his wife, Arlene, and some awesome Synopsis, Notables, Quoteables, and Timecodes for 8 different movies!

Like this one for ENEMY GOLD! (Which was directed by Andy’s son, Drew…but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, if you know what I mean…so it still counts!)

Writer/director Drew Sidaris continues the family formula under Andy’s watchful eye. The flick opens in 1865, with a daring Confederate capture of Union gold. Hence “Enemy Gold.” Meanwhile, in contemporary Dallas, Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson) joins fellow agent and sometime bunk buddy Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) on a less than by-the-book coke bust. An exploding crossbow melee later, they’re put on disciplinary leave, and join Mark Barriere on a camping trip in search of that legendary stash of yankee loot. Rodrigo Obregon slithers into the picture as a vengeful Bolivian drug lord so perturbed by the meddling federal do-gooders that he enlists a towering assassin code named “Jewel Panther” (Julie Strain) to erectify, er, rectify matters. Drew’s actually got himself a shockingly comprehensible plot here, punctuated by drool-worthy gratuity by Suzi and her Washington spymaster Tai Collins. Tragically, neither of the ladies returned to the franchise. But snuggled among the copious bonus material is an interview in which buxom Ms. Simpson tells how she landed the role and beams about the joys of strippin’ nekkid in DECEMBER for a (glorious) outdoor shower scene.

Notables: 10 breasts. 34 corpses. Cocaine-stuffed watermelon. Exploding chopper. Hand licking. Catfighting. Diddling. Gratuitous Civil War reenactment.

Quotables: Santiago’s goons clearly have too much time on their hands, “You better be nice to me our I’ll tell Uncle Jessie what you did to that chicken last night!” Ms. Strain emotes, “I’m suffering from a bad case of PMS! I wouldn’t try my patience if I were you!”

Time codes: Ms. Simpson slips into something more deadly (11:05). “Let’s hit the Jacuzzi!” (21:20). Panther slings a sword around while performing a fireside interpretative dance in black leather S&M ware (1:04:52). Suzie and Julie mix it up (1:21:25).
-G. NOEL GROSS

Man-Up Mondays

I have two words this Monday…

HEAT MISER

I’m back in Texas and it’s fucking hot….Fuck you, Heat Miser…you suck.