Two For Tuesdays

And you were expecting something awesome?

Oh crap, what day is it?

Tuesday?!

Wow, way to disappoint Canacorn…a whole week since your last post?

Heh.

Um..about that…I’m just lazy I guess.

So with that being said, I might as well keep this blog-train a rollin’ straight past disappointment and into complete and total failure…

Who’s hungry for some TACO*!?!?

Anyone?

Okay, okay…I get it, you’re worried I’m gonna’ hit you up with Puttin’ On The Ritz? Believe me, I was tempted, but you should have a little more faith in your ol’ buddy.

Let’s kick things off with, Under My Tight Skin!

Oh Taco, you ARE awesome!

What else you got for us today?

How about, Tell Me That You Like It (I’d like to dedicate the top and hairdo worn by the announcer at the beginning of this video to my pal, Yum-Yum, and the fabulous dancers to my Auntie John!)

Man, these live performances are truly works of art! I love how the post-Ritz-Taco is this bizarre combination of Wayne Newton and Perez Hilton!

I just have to play one more video…if only to thoroughly disgust Bwana and completely piss off Myrtle:

Last stop: Heart Break City

There’s your daily awesome for today….thank me later….

Canacorn out!

*No, One Night In Bangkok is not a Taco song…That’s

Back From The Dead!

Well hello there, boners!

It’s me, your old pal Mr. Canacorn….ummm, hello?

Is anyone out there?

Christ, I know it’s been like 4 fucking months, but where did everybody go?

Now looking at my blog stats, I see the good ol’ porn dogs of the internets have been sniffing around Awesomeness looking for their beloved Fetish Fridays…but it looks like all my blog buddies have moved along.

This is exactly what DH school is like....seriously.

Hell, I can’t blame you kids…I’ve been a horrible blogger and blog reader/commenter recently.

I just haven’t had the time what with Dental Hygiene School.

That’s right, Mr. C is one semester closer to realizing his dream of becoming a dental hygienist!

Can you even imagine the beautifully manicured hands of one Mr. Canacorn rooting around in your buccal cavity?!

Well, you’ll have to wait a few more semesters for that wet dream to come to true!

But get this…I’ve got 5 whole weeks off and it’s high time to start serving up some marvelous shit to get your pants areas all wet! That’s right…AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE is back!

So let’s celebrate with a video…oh, and it’s a small hint of what tomorrow’s FF will be about…

Okay then…welcome back, methe internets are a little bit brighter again!

Canacorn out!

This Just In!

mcskWe have it on good authority that an animated “Kat” is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol‘s 9th season! The “story” broke on Twitter (a free social networking and micro-blogging service for 12 year old girls and lonely middle age men) Tuesday night!

Paulatweeted” some incoherent nonsense filled with numbers and symbols that we couldn’t make heads or tails of….luckily, 7th grader and regular Fetish Fridays reader, Cynthia Wheeler (age 12), was able to decipher the drunken text-based post by the former Mrs. Estevez.

mcsk2It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.

We here at Awesomeness couldn’t be more thrilled about the exciting new opportunities that could be opening up for both Paula and American Idol!

I don’t know about y’all but, we’ve got our fingers crossed for a “almost 50 and still sexyPaula Playboy pictorial and a celebrity sex tape scandal involving MC Skat Kat and Kara DioGuardi

But until then, let’s watch this “awesome” video from American Idol’s new judge:

Snapshot Of Awesomeness

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These guys rule…seriously. I like to call them The Hair Bare Bunch.

Oh, anyone else seen Just Can’t Get Enough: The True Story of The Chippendales’ Murders? It totally fucking rules..maybe I’ll blog about it some day.

Ken Kwapis Is Just Not That Into Hot Chicks

hes_just_not_that_into_you Okay, look…

I’m not one of those guys that tolerates Romantic Comedies just to keep his wife off his back…or the guy that has to suffer through another Chick Flick so he can finally get “his turn” picking the dvd on movie night.

I sincerely like rom coms.

There, I said it….and I’m not even embarrassed or anything.

That being said, what the fuck was up with HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?

The movie itself was okay-ish…a little long at 2 hours and 9 minutes…not great, but certainly not as fucking horrible as FAILURE TO LAUNCH (seriously, FTL is so bad it has become the Measuring Stick Of Total Fail for all romantic comedies viewed in Casa Canacorn).

My real problem is with Ken Kwapis.

Sure, he’s a competent director…and he obviously knows funny…but I’m convinced he’s just not that into hot chicks.

I know you’re all, “Wait a gosh durn minute, Canacorn! That movie is chock a block full of hot tail! Look at the cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Drew even though she’s a bit crooked faced Barrymore! Are you blind?”

ladies

No, I’m not blind…but about halfway through the movie I was convinced that the costume designer and the entire hair and makeup department must have been.

And then it hit me…it’s not their fault…it’s the director’s. He must ultimately shoulder the blame of being a total boner killer in what should have been a full on boner party in my pants area.

Look, it’s not like I expected a fucking flesh parade or anything, but the fashion prudery that was on display in this movie was a serious insult to my flaccid genitalia.

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Would it kill somebody if these gals exposed a wrist or shoulder, for Christ’s sake?

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The words dowdy, boring, drab and bland kept coming to mind.

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And when we get some pops of color it’s all sky blue and orange with a splash of gray….WTF? Not only is the impact of this color combination tragic and uninspired…but I’m pretty sure that’s a fleece jacket from the 1980s.

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Poor Ginnifer Goodwin got it the worst…I was convinced she must have been afflicted with some sort of erythematous maculopapular rash since she spent 95% of the film completely covered…they should have thrown a burqa on that bitch and called it a fucking day.

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Another gripe I have with Mr. Kwapis and his obvious disdain for the female form was his excessive use of shooting the girls from the waist up. Did they even have legs? Were they wearing form fitting skirts? Tulip? Bubble? A-Line? Pencil? Who fucking knows?

And I’m no foot fetishist, but where were the goddamn shoes? Didn’t SEX AND THE CITY teach us anything about the importance of female footwear in cinema?

The only exception was Busy Phillips…she may have only had 10 minutes of screen time, but she made the best of it by flashing her beautiful wrists and stunning cleavage in a smart and simple little black dress.

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You just can’t go wrong with that….am I right or am I right, Dr. Cosmo?

What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandonagain…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.

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Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.

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D Cells?

If you’re a stranger to Awesomeness you might not know that I believe Beverly Hills 90210 is the best television show ever made.

And here is just one example why from season 7:

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Brandon’s new gal pal, Tracy Gaylian, uses a vibrator that requires D cell batteries.

Now I hate to nitpick, but the last time I checked, the Pocket Rocket uses 1 AA battery….shit, even the Big Thunder Vibrating Dildo only needs 3 AAs!

But I’m gonna’ let that small mistake in a great gag slide.