Back From The Dead!

Well hello there, boners!

It’s me, your old pal Mr. Canacorn….ummm, hello?

Is anyone out there?

Christ, I know it’s been like 4 fucking months, but where did everybody go?

Now looking at my blog stats, I see the good ol’ porn dogs of the internets have been sniffing around Awesomeness looking for their beloved Fetish Fridays…but it looks like all my blog buddies have moved along.

This is exactly what DH school is like....seriously.

Hell, I can’t blame you kids…I’ve been a horrible blogger and blog reader/commenter recently.

I just haven’t had the time what with Dental Hygiene School.

That’s right, Mr. C is one semester closer to realizing his dream of becoming a dental hygienist!

Can you even imagine the beautifully manicured hands of one Mr. Canacorn rooting around in your buccal cavity?!

Well, you’ll have to wait a few more semesters for that wet dream to come to true!

But get this…I’ve got 5 whole weeks off and it’s high time to start serving up some marvelous shit to get your pants areas all wet! That’s right…AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE is back!

So let’s celebrate with a video…oh, and it’s a small hint of what tomorrow’s FF will be about…

Okay then…welcome back, methe internets are a little bit brighter again!

Canacorn out!

Serious Lack Of Awesomeness For You

back_to_school Hey boners,

I hate to tell y’all this, but there’s gonna’ be a whole lot less Awesomeness around here for a while.

I know, I know, you’re crushed.

I understand your pain, but this Canacorn has got to get his act together and earn himself one of them there oral hygiene degrees sos I can be a highfalutin dental hygienist when I grow up!

Feel free to drop by any time, but don’t expect to see too many new posts.

You might want to hop on over to the newly stripped down version of The Bride Of Awesomeness for some NSFW pictures and the occasional video (all without the hassle of havin’ to be readin’ a bunch of stupid words) to get a glimpse of what’s runnin’ through my mind.

Sooooo, in closing, don’t forget to floss and only brush the ones you want to keep!

brush

This Just In!

mcskWe have it on good authority that an animated “Kat” is going to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol‘s 9th season! The “story” broke on Twitter (a free social networking and micro-blogging service for 12 year old girls and lonely middle age men) Tuesday night!

Paulatweeted” some incoherent nonsense filled with numbers and symbols that we couldn’t make heads or tails of….luckily, 7th grader and regular Fetish Fridays reader, Cynthia Wheeler (age 12), was able to decipher the drunken text-based post by the former Mrs. Estevez.

mcsk2It says she’s sad and stuff about leaving the show or whatever and, uh, that some really old cartoon cat from the 80s is gonna’ be the new judge,” explained Cynthia via her cellular telephone early this morning.

We here at Awesomeness couldn’t be more thrilled about the exciting new opportunities that could be opening up for both Paula and American Idol!

I don’t know about y’all but, we’ve got our fingers crossed for a “almost 50 and still sexyPaula Playboy pictorial and a celebrity sex tape scandal involving MC Skat Kat and Kara DioGuardi

But until then, let’s watch this “awesome” video from American Idol’s new judge:

Good Time Gone Bad

star Wai, Grashoppers!

When I heard that Master David was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok, I resisted the urge to post a quickie memorial here at Awesomeness.

The details were just coming out and the early reports suggested suicide…the Thai police hadn’t released the info about the whole rope tied around his neck and genitals yet, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Master David was a victim of a good time gone bad right from the jump.

As more info comes out of Bangkok it seems like I’m probably right….but hey, who knows, maybe it was murder? Foul play is still a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to losing a family member or a friend, but it sure is a whole lot less awkward and embarrassing than some private sex act gone wrong.

Because once you’re the “died jerking off guy“, that’s pretty much all everybody remembers about you and your name ends up tacked onto a Wikipedia page under “Erotic asphyxiation: Accidental death, famous cases“. And who the fuck wants that?

The Wife was totally bummed Master David (maybe) died in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident…she really felt that he should have “gone out in a blaze of glory“…like in a knife fight with a couple of Thai ladyboys or something just as awesome…

Well, I’ve been keeping my eye on a reputable news source, and they’ve been saying Master David was murdered…by a couple of Thai ladyboys! WTF!?!!

Check it:

GL25Carradine June 9, 2009 David Carradine Killing

“KUNG FU legend David Carradine was murdered! That’s the shocking conclusion of experts who believe evidence found in the actor’s Thailand hotel room – and autopsy secrets – point to the cover-up of a chilling crime. This week GLOBE unravels the mystery the entire world is talking about.”

GL26carradine June 17, 2009 Revealed! Who Killed Carradine

“DAVID Carradine was strangled in his Bangkok hotel room by TWO drag queens! That’s the chilling conclusion of the Kung Fu star’s movie producer, who is ripping the lid off a bizarre murder cover-up plot. It’s all in our blockbuster Special Report about the tragedy that’s shocked the world.”

Damn, Master David, way to keep real! I can only hope to get myself into such awesome shenanigans when I’m in my 70s….seriously, fighting a couple of transsexual kung fu assassins to the death in a fancy hotel in Bangkok is a damn fine way to go!

Having those tranny bitches make it look like an autoerotic fatality is fucking cold blooded…but I’d expect nothing less from a secret sect of Shaolin shemales from the martial-arts underworld!

Bitches, man…bitches!

You can bet I’ll be following this story until the FBI catch those deadly kathoey-saloeys and clear Master David’s name! So, as they say in Thailand, sawatdee! Which pretty much means, Canacorn out! (Why the fuck doesn’t Ryan say that anymore…it has such a douchey charm to it…)

Things I Decided Today

With all the big budget films and movie parodies being cranked out by the adult industry, you’d think someone would pull their head out of their ass (or someone’s ass) and finally make this fucking masterpiece already?!

btilv

realbtilvI know BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA already exists as a porno…but there’s no evil magician, mysterious underworld, or kung-fu masters in it!

Just an “..interracial cast of petite cuties love having their tight and tasty little vaginas stretched to the limit by men with big dicks. The only trouble is finding them big enough to satisfy the insatiable appetites of these nymphomaniacs!

In addition to all the straight sex, there could be something for everyone…

Imagine a The Three Storms three-way for the gay and bi-curious audience?

You could even have a Gerontophilia (look it up) scene between David Lo Pan and Gracie Law for the more adventurous!

How about a record setting gang bang alleyway scene with the Wing Kong and a lucky green-eyed Chinese lady?

And don’t even get me started on what could be done with this little feller:

guardian

The possibilities are fucking endless…Seriously, someone make this….sheesh.

*Oh, I’m not sure who made the BTILV poster…but someone did, so, thanks whoever you are!

Junior Cryptozoologist

Goat sucker, y'all!

Goat sucker, y'all!

I know things have been awfully quiet around Awesomeness and The Bride lately, but my newborn son and I have been out hunting the elusive Chupacabra.

So far we’ve had no luck in locating the rascally goat sucker, but we did run across a Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris outside of the Babies R Us this weekend.

Quinn 061509 012

So, keep your shirts on, boners….I’ll be back with all your beloved pornography as soon as we get a Chupacabra head mounted on my boy’s wall.

Bro Mitzvah!

One of the nice things about living in a melting pot is when cultures “borrow” traditions from other cultures to turn them into something positive for their own communities. An example of this is the new ritual of the “bro mitzvah” among African Americans. Inspired by the Jewish bar mitzvah, a bro mitzvah celebrates an African-American boy’s transformation into an adult..” –eHow Culture & Society Editor

video via Aziz Is Bored