Two For Tuesdays

Hey there boners!

I know I promised a whole bunch of new awesomeness for you guys and gals in the next five weeks or so….and I also know I haven’t really delivered much in the way of awesome other than a single entry from last Friday…sorry ’bout that.

Honestly, I’m having a bit of a blog-block. Thanks to school, I’m so out of touch that I have absolutely NO idea what you kooky kids want to read about.

So today I figured I’d phone it in and hit you up with a Twofer straight from a teenage girl’s favorite mixtape circa 1993.

Blender magazine called today’s pick a “blues-rock sorceress trafficking in social politics and dark, tormented songwriting.” But don’t let that turn you off…

Here’s 2 tracks from Polly Jean Harvey off of Rid Of Me:

Man-Size (Click HERE for the equally awesome Man-Size Sextet):

Oh, and since Universal Music Group refuses to allow embedding of their artists’ videos, just click on the pic of PJ to watch the video for 50ft Queenie on YouTube.

So that’s that.

Seriously, I’m really gonna’ try and figure out something to blog about before I head back to school…

Two For Tuesdays

toniHey boners, it’s Toni Basil!

I know the picture makes you think you’re getting “Mickey” as one of your songs today…

But you’re not.

It’s not like you haven’t heard it a million times anyway…

The closest you’ll get from me today is Kitty by Racey, and you’ll fucking like it.

So, uh, here’s Toni with a cover of DEVO‘s “Space Girl Blues

Space Girls

Now let’s check out “You Got A Problem“…which is a cover of DEVO‘s “Pity You“:

What are the chances that today’s two-fer fails just as miserably as last Tuesday’s?

Knowing my audience, pretty damn good.

C U Next Tuesday!

Two For Tuesdays

missp2 Hey lookee here, I actually made it two Tuesdays in a row!

Who’d a thunk it?

Not you, I’m sure…well, let me disappoint you even more with today’s two-fer!

How about some Missing Persons?

Sure, sure, you think you never need to hear “Words” again (you’re wrong) and you think “Walking In LA” is lame (strike two, boner, that song also rules…anyone remember when Traci Lords covered it), so I’ll spare you the hits and serve up a couple of other tracks this Tuesday…

WINDOWS” from Spring Session M

And since EMI has a no embedding policy for their videos just click on the pic of Dale to see today’s second video!

GIVE” of off Rhyme & Reason

missp

Man, I really had the hots for ol’ Dale Bozzio when I was a kid…imagine if I could have gotten my hands on that issue of Hustler (NSFW) she was in…I’d probably be blind.

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Periodontics Edition

lh Hey boners! What’s shakin’?

Yeah, yeah, I hear that….”Another day another dollar…Time to make the donuts….Blah, blah, fucking blah…

Well hold on there pardnersit’s Friday…and aside from being alright for fighting…it means…oh wait, that’s Saturday…damn…

Uh, anyway…what I’m getting at is, it’s time to break you out of your humdrums and talk about some fetish of some sort! And if you couldn’t tell by the scrumptious picture of Lauren Hutton on the left side of your monitor, today’s topic is teeth!

But not just any type of teeth…oh no, my friends…only the ones with a gap right smack dab in the middle of those big ol’ central incisors is good enough for this Friday!

80616_Heather-Parisi-7-17_122_438loWe’re strictly talking lucky teeth, or as the French like to say, “dents du bonheur“!

I know the topic of diastema is a bit tame compared to some of my past FF entries…but it is one that puts a smile on my face (and by smile, I mean erection..and by face, I mean penis…so what I think I’m trying to say is, “The enlarged and firm state of my penis…is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, that is usually, though not exclusively, associated with gap toothed women.

Oh crap…now you’re picturing me and my amazing, incredible, expandable, blood filled erectile tissues….This is getting awkward…Uh…let’s move on…

So anyway, I was reading a review for ONCE BITTEN over at THE HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE the other day (seriously, it’s the best review I’ve ever read for ONCE BITTEN…check it out) and even though Yum-Yum made no mention of it, all I kept thinking about was Ms. Hutton’s delectable diastema!

bella And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ’em out there…

And get this…some of ’em even do the pornographies!

It’s true!

Which is kind of fitting…you know, because of the whole Canterbury Talesgap-toothed wife of Bath, middle-aged woman with insatiable lust” rumor that the “firste fyndere of our fair langage” and loveable scamp, Geoffrey Chaucer, started waaay back in the 14th century!

There’s Belladonna, Naudia Nyce, Pepper Foxx, Chase Taylor, and hundreds of other starlets in waiting flashing their gapes and their gaps all over the internets!

naudiaSo wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?

Of course it’s a great idea! So what the fuck, internets?! Where’s my diastema fetish site?!

No matter where I turn, I can find a fetish specific website for just about every sub-genre of porn…everything except this one.

You want clips and pictures of mature, BBW, amateur, hirsute honeys giving blowjobs to tattooed European gentlemen with big cocks that end in Roman Showers?

You got it! The internet provides!

But a guy wants some hot enamel action and he gets nothin’.

chase I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…

What kind of world do we live in that I can’t see this young thing try and fit those two big, bulbous heads on that soft, sensuous, smooth and sturdy 18 inch veined dildo between the contacts of her perfectly spaced maxillary central incisors?

A disappointing world…that’s what kind.

Seriously, internets, I’m gonna’ have to stop this whole Fetish Fridays dance if you can’t deliver the goods…I know we only do this FF thing (almost) once a week, but my feelings of dissatisfaction that follow your constant failures is really starting to take its toll.

So think about it…we’ll talk next Friday.

Canacorn, out!

You Can’t Feed A Baby LPs Part 1

Quinn 071409 024 Yeah, yeah, yeah…just because I got me one of them there baby Canacorns doesn’t mean I’m gonna’ stop buying records.

Cut a dad some slack…besides, most of ’em were used AND I hear that, “all babies have an instinctive sense of rhythm and a love of music,” so I’m actually doing the kid a favor…or whatever.

That okay with you, Judgy McJudgerton?

Okay.

Now that that’s out of the way…let’s see some of the LPs I’ve picked up this month…it’s been a while since we’ve taken a look at my record purchases, so instead of jamming up this post with a shit-ton of pics and videos I’ve decided to spread them out over a few posts….

recordsjuly 003 Let’s see…where to start?

I guess we’ll go with the ladies…starting left to right on the top row and then left to right on the bottom row…

Well, hello there, Irene Cara!

Sure, we all loved her as Coco Hernandez in Fame and everyone’s favorite karaoke song to sing is the Moroder/Cara classic, “Flashdance…What A Feeling“…but the secret hit off of this record is the awesome “Breakdance“!

Don’t believe me about the awesomeness that is “Breakdance“?

Peep this shit:

Next up are twin knockouts, Cherie and Marie Currie! These two foxes (see what I did there? Cherie was in the Adrian Lyne film…oh, forget it…) only did this one record together…and despite lukewarm (at best) reviews, I still dig it.

Especially the cover of Russ Ballard‘s “Since You’ve Been Gone“:

Moving on…to the beautiful (and busty) Lynda Carter*! Here she is singing “Toto” on Wonder Woman from her 1978 album, Portrait:

*This link is for the Awesomeness reader whose idea of a “Rock N Roll Fantasy” involve an elaborately costumed Ms. Carter doing a medley of Tina Turner, KISS, and Bette Midler songs accompanied by the Ikettes, fruity KISS impersonators and dancing gorillas…which should be all of you.

So this next one is a little misleading…yes there are some super sultry 80s babes in buckskin/mesh Indian inspired dancewear on the cover…but this is all Bohannon all the time.

I’ve talked about the ass shaking power that is Bohannon before…and the BOHANNON FEVER LP is more of the same…so let’s get on this “Party Trainmothersuckers and get funky in our pants areas:

And the last record for today is STARGARD‘s What You Waitin’ For! Look at that cover…the sheer audaciousness of their Danilo Donatiesque FLASH GORDON inspired outfits was worth the 99 cents I paid for this sucker alone.

stargard

It doesn’t hurt that their funky brand of R&B is pretty fucking awesome as well…but you’re just going to have to take my word for it since YouTube let me down in the video department.

So, that’s the tip of the LP iceberg today, kids. Tune in next time for a whole bunch of soundtracks…

What Cha’ Watchin’?

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Anybody else remember when she didn’t have a shit-ton of creepy kids and was showing her tits to Elias Koteas in CYBORG 2?

Fetish Fridays…On A Sunday? Yep…And Still NSFW.

hookers for Jesus Oh man…I’ve been meaning to get around to this FF topic for a little over a month now. I know it’s not Friday, but I felt that Sunday was quite à propos for HOOKERS FOR JESUS.

That’s right…you heard me. Hookers. For. Jesus.

I first heard about HOOKERS FOR JESUS from a buddy at the record store….

He was all, “Remember Stryper?”

Me: “Yeah. I hated that band.”

Buddy: “Me too, but that’s not important right now. Did you know that their guitarist is getting married?”

Me: “So? Big whoop.”

Buddy: “He’s getting married in Las Vegas…to a prostitute…”

Me: “Say what?”

Buddy: “Yeah, she’s some sort of hookerfor Jesus!”

Me: “What the fuck’s a hooker for Jesus?! I mean, I could think of a worse pimp, but fuck man, walking the track for the fucking Son Of God…that’s some fucked up shit right there.”

I must know more! To the internet!

maryWell I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of what one of Christ’s call girls might look like, I kind of picture a sexy Mary Magdalene like this little lady on the right.

You know…part sinner, part saint, all whore!

But when I found the real hooker for Jesus on the internets…she was kind of a letdown.

First off, she looked like this:

hooker

Not a total bummer, but certainly not what I expected.

Second…she’s not even a hooker any more! WTF is up with that?!

Third, she’s all “…committed to reaching out to teens/women that need assistance/escape from the sex industry…” Again, WTF?

This whole hooking for Jesus is obviously not what I had in mind for today’s FF.

I started reading Annie Lobért’s testimony hoping for the best…it started off pretty good:

WARNING DISCLOSURE: This story contains explicit material not suitable for children/young adults. If you are under 18, please ask permission from your parents to read this story. I am going to be real honest and candid on this site, so if you are tired of lies and want the truth, BUCKLE your seatbelts and hang on! I believe in being REAL. Please read this story, and I will explain everything to you….”

Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere…I read on…

Annie talked about getting molested at age 8…how her heart was broken by the man that took her virginity…how she became a “rebel” “…by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people–people with issues just like mine. You get the picture–PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking/drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town–listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading “fashion” magazines.”

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

Then she gets raped a whole bunch of times…

Believe it or not, this MEDIA–POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me! I was the “PARTY GIRL!” This is when the first of many rapes happened…

Damn, this is becoming a real fucking boner killer…but it all sounds like the perfect recipe for the making of one delicious whore cocktail…and then she really kicks it into high gear:

hookerProstitution, (street & high class call girl) exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions–yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME… just to name a few…

Whoa…masturbation addiction and smoking?! Sounds like a few Awesomeness readers I know…

But then she gets all Debbie Downer again and starts up with the whole, I was “raped by gunpoint, strangled, suffocated, guns put in my mouth, hair cut off, tied up, gagged, put in trunks of cars, bones broken, spit on, kicked, pushed, stalked by crazy men, tied up, kept hostage, and beaten into submission…

Oh my God, just stop already! Enough! Fuck, lady, you are totally ruining Fetish Fridays for everyone.

And that’s only the first half of her story…I couldn’t even keep reading to get to the part where she decides to become a Jesus Hooker…or whatever.

Okay, look, I feel bad for Annie’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but I’m really starting to feel for that Stryper guitarist…could you imagine marrying this emotional train wreck? And to top it all off, now she’s all super preachy religious?! Not to sound too much like a callous dick, but fuck that noise…I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room for 10 minutes with this broad.

Fuck….I finally get around to a Fetish Fridays post and it gets annihilated in about 5 minutes…I knew I should have gone with that whole lesbian centaur fetish

Ruined potential...

Ruined potential...

Okay-ish Movie, But No Topless Clare.

vlcsnap-64802 Hey kids!

Seen any good movies lately?

I have!

Weeeeell, I recently watched a movie…whether it was any good or not is debatable, I guess. But, as a purveyor of badness, I felt it was my duty to bathe in the glory that was 1992’s BLOWN AWAY.

No, no, no..not the action/thriller starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones…the erotic thriller starring Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Nicole Eggert!

vlcsnap-73543 I had no idea this film even existed until my favorite Auntie over at Kindertrauma turned me on to it last month. I had been bitching about creepy crossed eyed Clare from 90210 and Aunt John was all,

I always had a thing for Clare, aka the Dean’s daughter ever since she did that topless scene in the COREYS BLOWN AWAY. I was blown away…

And I was all,

Topless you say? Both Coreys?! What fucking rock have I been under? I just can’t look at Clare without the overwhelming desire to tap her on the side of her head to get those eyes to even out….I hope her tits don’t have the same problem.”

vlcsnap-75269 And then he was all,

Seriously, Senor Canacorn… it’s worth Netflix-ing (if they have it) plus that hotsie-totsie NICOLE EGGERT is the lady lead. Enough said.”

‘Nuff said indeed! Luckily, Netflix did have it and I was ready to see The Two Coreys get it on with one topless creepy crossed Clare and one pre-boob job Roberta “Summer” Quinn!

Now before you go rushing out to rent this Coreypalooza for yourself, let me say one thing:

Despite what my Auntie says, there are no, I REPEAT, NO Kathleen Robertson boobs on display in BLOWN AWAY. I know, I know, no one was more disappointed than me, but sometimes people’s minds play tricks on them.

And I can’t blame an old Auntie for getting confused….there were boobs galore in this movie…but said boobs belonged to only one woman…Nicole. Seriously, that broad was topless in every other damn scene, but Kathleen never even let an areola peek out of her bra.

Nary a nipple

Nary a nipple

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on with my thoughts on the film, shall we?

vlcsnap-75610 So, what we have here is an erotic thriller…granted, the word erotic doesn’t usually come to mind when discussing either Corey, but I’m pretty sure this movie was supposed to be erotic since the viewer was treated to a good half dozen sex scenes (not counting the sex scene musical montage) between Corey H. and his costar (and then time girlfriend) Nicole.

The plot is this: Spoiled rich bitch, Megan, lost her mother is a fishy car accident on her birthday. She’s convinced her overbearing dad killed her mom by planting a bomb in her car…which led to her being blown away in a fiery explosion.

Corey H. is Rich, horn-dog extraordinaire and easy mark for Megan’s nefarious plan to murder her father… thus avenging her mother and inheriting the family fortune.

vlcsnap-84916Corey F. plays Rich’s younger brother, Wes…he’s all kinds of fucked up since daddy used to beat him and mommy while Rich just sat by ignoring all the family abuse….oh, the humanity!

Oh, and Kathleen is Darla, Rich’s on again off again girlfriend…she’s getting sick and tired of Rich’s philandering ways….especially once he hooks up with Megan and totally flaunts their elicit affair in her creepy cross eyed face.

Seriously, Rich is a major d-bag and he takes every opportunity to prance around with his new 17 year old nympho piece of ass…so it’s no wonder Darla ends up hooking up with Wes…and let me tell you, all that sleeping around leads to some trouble.

vlcsnap-87168 You see, Megan has used her duplicitous pussy to convince Rich to help her kill her motorcycle enthusiast father by planting a bomb in the gas tank of his favorite crotch rocket, thereby ensuring he gets…you guessed it…blown away!

Of course, it all doesn’t go as smoothly as planned…and things really start heating up between the two brothers and the gals…which leads to more murder! That’s right, murder! Poor creepy crossed eyed Darla ends up all dead in a horse riding “accident(sadly, no explosives were used, so Darla was not so much blown away as she was tossed aside)…anyway, with Darla’s suspicious accident and Megan’s parents deadly car troubles, the now rival siblings and wannabe Long Island Lolita find themselves under the watchful eye of Columbo-like Indian cop, Anderson.

vlcsnap-121073A quick Canacorn Fun Fact, I love me some Indians…especially when they’re Shamans, trackers, werewolves and/or cops! Seriously. Love. Indians.

You know, there really should be more Indians in movies these days…it seems like all the film Indians we get are of the Patel variety instead of the totally awesome Indigenous peoples of the Americas types.

Oh shit…I just realized that I’ve been rambling on for what seems like forever at this point….I’m sure no one has even made it this far into my post (especially since I haven’t offered up a single naked picture)….

vlcsnap-119275Okay, let’s wrap this shit up! As with all erotic thrillers, there’s a twist! Of course I’m not going to ruin it for for you here, oh no, you’ll have to rent this sucker for yourself. But I will tell you what the twist should have been:

I was hoping that Megan was really Rich and Wes’ half sister…meaning, Rich fucked his sister and murdered his own father…so, not only was he helping Megan out by bumping off her old man but also inadvertently getting revenge for his little brother’s death at his abusive father’s hands…so that means, younger brother Wes (who had been beaten to death years ago) was really just a guilt inspired figment of Rich’s fucked up imagination…or a ghost, or whatever…now that, would have blown me away!

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See what I did there? Blown Away is the title of the movie and I was…oh, forget it…here’s a picture of Nicole Eggert with a duck.

Nice duck.

Nice duck.

Ken Kwapis Is Just Not That Into Hot Chicks

hes_just_not_that_into_you Okay, look…

I’m not one of those guys that tolerates Romantic Comedies just to keep his wife off his back…or the guy that has to suffer through another Chick Flick so he can finally get “his turn” picking the dvd on movie night.

I sincerely like rom coms.

There, I said it….and I’m not even embarrassed or anything.

That being said, what the fuck was up with HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?

The movie itself was okay-ish…a little long at 2 hours and 9 minutes…not great, but certainly not as fucking horrible as FAILURE TO LAUNCH (seriously, FTL is so bad it has become the Measuring Stick Of Total Fail for all romantic comedies viewed in Casa Canacorn).

My real problem is with Ken Kwapis.

Sure, he’s a competent director…and he obviously knows funny…but I’m convinced he’s just not that into hot chicks.

I know you’re all, “Wait a gosh durn minute, Canacorn! That movie is chock a block full of hot tail! Look at the cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Drew even though she’s a bit crooked faced Barrymore! Are you blind?”

ladies

No, I’m not blind…but about halfway through the movie I was convinced that the costume designer and the entire hair and makeup department must have been.

And then it hit me…it’s not their fault…it’s the director’s. He must ultimately shoulder the blame of being a total boner killer in what should have been a full on boner party in my pants area.

Look, it’s not like I expected a fucking flesh parade or anything, but the fashion prudery that was on display in this movie was a serious insult to my flaccid genitalia.

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Would it kill somebody if these gals exposed a wrist or shoulder, for Christ’s sake?

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The words dowdy, boring, drab and bland kept coming to mind.

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And when we get some pops of color it’s all sky blue and orange with a splash of gray….WTF? Not only is the impact of this color combination tragic and uninspired…but I’m pretty sure that’s a fleece jacket from the 1980s.

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Poor Ginnifer Goodwin got it the worst…I was convinced she must have been afflicted with some sort of erythematous maculopapular rash since she spent 95% of the film completely covered…they should have thrown a burqa on that bitch and called it a fucking day.

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Another gripe I have with Mr. Kwapis and his obvious disdain for the female form was his excessive use of shooting the girls from the waist up. Did they even have legs? Were they wearing form fitting skirts? Tulip? Bubble? A-Line? Pencil? Who fucking knows?

And I’m no foot fetishist, but where were the goddamn shoes? Didn’t SEX AND THE CITY teach us anything about the importance of female footwear in cinema?

The only exception was Busy Phillips…she may have only had 10 minutes of screen time, but she made the best of it by flashing her beautiful wrists and stunning cleavage in a smart and simple little black dress.

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You just can’t go wrong with that….am I right or am I right, Dr. Cosmo?

“Hairdresser, Hairdresser”

Lucille Cataldo sings for 4 minutes and 21 seconds….the longest 4 minutes and 21 seconds of your life.

See more Stairway To Stardom at Sharpeworld!