Two For Tuesdays

Hey there boners!

I know I promised a whole bunch of new awesomeness for you guys and gals in the next five weeks or so….and I also know I haven’t really delivered much in the way of awesome other than a single entry from last Friday…sorry ’bout that.

Honestly, I’m having a bit of a blog-block. Thanks to school, I’m so out of touch that I have absolutely NO idea what you kooky kids want to read about.

So today I figured I’d phone it in and hit you up with a Twofer straight from a teenage girl’s favorite mixtape circa 1993.

Blender magazine called today’s pick a “blues-rock sorceress trafficking in social politics and dark, tormented songwriting.” But don’t let that turn you off…

Here’s 2 tracks from Polly Jean Harvey off of Rid Of Me:

Man-Size (Click HERE for the equally awesome Man-Size Sextet):

Oh, and since Universal Music Group refuses to allow embedding of their artists’ videos, just click on the pic of PJ to watch the video for 50ft Queenie on YouTube.

So that’s that.

Seriously, I’m really gonna’ try and figure out something to blog about before I head back to school…

Two For Tuesdays

toniHey boners, it’s Toni Basil!

I know the picture makes you think you’re getting “Mickey” as one of your songs today…

But you’re not.

It’s not like you haven’t heard it a million times anyway…

The closest you’ll get from me today is Kitty by Racey, and you’ll fucking like it.

So, uh, here’s Toni with a cover of DEVO‘s “Space Girl Blues

Space Girls

Now let’s check out “You Got A Problem“…which is a cover of DEVO‘s “Pity You“:

What are the chances that today’s two-fer fails just as miserably as last Tuesday’s?

Knowing my audience, pretty damn good.

C U Next Tuesday!

Two For Tuesdays

missp2 Hey lookee here, I actually made it two Tuesdays in a row!

Who’d a thunk it?

Not you, I’m sure…well, let me disappoint you even more with today’s two-fer!

How about some Missing Persons?

Sure, sure, you think you never need to hear “Words” again (you’re wrong) and you think “Walking In LA” is lame (strike two, boner, that song also rules…anyone remember when Traci Lords covered it), so I’ll spare you the hits and serve up a couple of other tracks this Tuesday…

WINDOWS” from Spring Session M

And since EMI has a no embedding policy for their videos just click on the pic of Dale to see today’s second video!

GIVE” of off Rhyme & Reason

missp

Man, I really had the hots for ol’ Dale Bozzio when I was a kid…imagine if I could have gotten my hands on that issue of Hustler (NSFW) she was in…I’d probably be blind.

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Periodontics Edition

lh Hey boners! What’s shakin’?

Yeah, yeah, I hear that….”Another day another dollar…Time to make the donuts….Blah, blah, fucking blah…

Well hold on there pardnersit’s Friday…and aside from being alright for fighting…it means…oh wait, that’s Saturday…damn…

Uh, anyway…what I’m getting at is, it’s time to break you out of your humdrums and talk about some fetish of some sort! And if you couldn’t tell by the scrumptious picture of Lauren Hutton on the left side of your monitor, today’s topic is teeth!

But not just any type of teeth…oh no, my friends…only the ones with a gap right smack dab in the middle of those big ol’ central incisors is good enough for this Friday!

80616_Heather-Parisi-7-17_122_438loWe’re strictly talking lucky teeth, or as the French like to say, “dents du bonheur“!

I know the topic of diastema is a bit tame compared to some of my past FF entries…but it is one that puts a smile on my face (and by smile, I mean erection..and by face, I mean penis…so what I think I’m trying to say is, “The enlarged and firm state of my penis…is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, that is usually, though not exclusively, associated with gap toothed women.

Oh crap…now you’re picturing me and my amazing, incredible, expandable, blood filled erectile tissues….This is getting awkward…Uh…let’s move on…

So anyway, I was reading a review for ONCE BITTEN over at THE HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE the other day (seriously, it’s the best review I’ve ever read for ONCE BITTEN…check it out) and even though Yum-Yum made no mention of it, all I kept thinking about was Ms. Hutton’s delectable diastema!

bella And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ’em out there…

And get this…some of ’em even do the pornographies!

It’s true!

Which is kind of fitting…you know, because of the whole Canterbury Talesgap-toothed wife of Bath, middle-aged woman with insatiable lust” rumor that the “firste fyndere of our fair langage” and loveable scamp, Geoffrey Chaucer, started waaay back in the 14th century!

There’s Belladonna, Naudia Nyce, Pepper Foxx, Chase Taylor, and hundreds of other starlets in waiting flashing their gapes and their gaps all over the internets!

naudiaSo wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?

Of course it’s a great idea! So what the fuck, internets?! Where’s my diastema fetish site?!

No matter where I turn, I can find a fetish specific website for just about every sub-genre of porn…everything except this one.

You want clips and pictures of mature, BBW, amateur, hirsute honeys giving blowjobs to tattooed European gentlemen with big cocks that end in Roman Showers?

You got it! The internet provides!

But a guy wants some hot enamel action and he gets nothin’.

chase I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…

What kind of world do we live in that I can’t see this young thing try and fit those two big, bulbous heads on that soft, sensuous, smooth and sturdy 18 inch veined dildo between the contacts of her perfectly spaced maxillary central incisors?

A disappointing world…that’s what kind.

Seriously, internets, I’m gonna’ have to stop this whole Fetish Fridays dance if you can’t deliver the goods…I know we only do this FF thing (almost) once a week, but my feelings of dissatisfaction that follow your constant failures is really starting to take its toll.

So think about it…we’ll talk next Friday.

Canacorn, out!

You Can’t Feed A Baby LPs Part 1

Quinn 071409 024 Yeah, yeah, yeah…just because I got me one of them there baby Canacorns doesn’t mean I’m gonna’ stop buying records.

Cut a dad some slack…besides, most of ’em were used AND I hear that, “all babies have an instinctive sense of rhythm and a love of music,” so I’m actually doing the kid a favor…or whatever.

That okay with you, Judgy McJudgerton?

Okay.

Now that that’s out of the way…let’s see some of the LPs I’ve picked up this month…it’s been a while since we’ve taken a look at my record purchases, so instead of jamming up this post with a shit-ton of pics and videos I’ve decided to spread them out over a few posts….

recordsjuly 003 Let’s see…where to start?

I guess we’ll go with the ladies…starting left to right on the top row and then left to right on the bottom row…

Well, hello there, Irene Cara!

Sure, we all loved her as Coco Hernandez in Fame and everyone’s favorite karaoke song to sing is the Moroder/Cara classic, “Flashdance…What A Feeling“…but the secret hit off of this record is the awesome “Breakdance“!

Don’t believe me about the awesomeness that is “Breakdance“?

Peep this shit:

Next up are twin knockouts, Cherie and Marie Currie! These two foxes (see what I did there? Cherie was in the Adrian Lyne film…oh, forget it…) only did this one record together…and despite lukewarm (at best) reviews, I still dig it.

Especially the cover of Russ Ballard‘s “Since You’ve Been Gone“:

Moving on…to the beautiful (and busty) Lynda Carter*! Here she is singing “Toto” on Wonder Woman from her 1978 album, Portrait:

*This link is for the Awesomeness reader whose idea of a “Rock N Roll Fantasy” involve an elaborately costumed Ms. Carter doing a medley of Tina Turner, KISS, and Bette Midler songs accompanied by the Ikettes, fruity KISS impersonators and dancing gorillas…which should be all of you.

So this next one is a little misleading…yes there are some super sultry 80s babes in buckskin/mesh Indian inspired dancewear on the cover…but this is all Bohannon all the time.

I’ve talked about the ass shaking power that is Bohannon before…and the BOHANNON FEVER LP is more of the same…so let’s get on this “Party Trainmothersuckers and get funky in our pants areas:

And the last record for today is STARGARD‘s What You Waitin’ For! Look at that cover…the sheer audaciousness of their Danilo Donatiesque FLASH GORDON inspired outfits was worth the 99 cents I paid for this sucker alone.

stargard

It doesn’t hurt that their funky brand of R&B is pretty fucking awesome as well…but you’re just going to have to take my word for it since YouTube let me down in the video department.

So, that’s the tip of the LP iceberg today, kids. Tune in next time for a whole bunch of soundtracks…

What Cha’ Watchin’?

vlcsnap-1788461

Anybody else remember when she didn’t have a shit-ton of creepy kids and was showing her tits to Elias Koteas in CYBORG 2?

Fetish Fridays…On A Sunday? Yep…And Still NSFW.

hookers for Jesus Oh man…I’ve been meaning to get around to this FF topic for a little over a month now. I know it’s not Friday, but I felt that Sunday was quite à propos for HOOKERS FOR JESUS.

That’s right…you heard me. Hookers. For. Jesus.

I first heard about HOOKERS FOR JESUS from a buddy at the record store….

He was all, “Remember Stryper?”

Me: “Yeah. I hated that band.”

Buddy: “Me too, but that’s not important right now. Did you know that their guitarist is getting married?”

Me: “So? Big whoop.”

Buddy: “He’s getting married in Las Vegas…to a prostitute…”

Me: “Say what?”

Buddy: “Yeah, she’s some sort of hookerfor Jesus!”

Me: “What the fuck’s a hooker for Jesus?! I mean, I could think of a worse pimp, but fuck man, walking the track for the fucking Son Of God…that’s some fucked up shit right there.”

I must know more! To the internet!

maryWell I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of what one of Christ’s call girls might look like, I kind of picture a sexy Mary Magdalene like this little lady on the right.

You know…part sinner, part saint, all whore!

But when I found the real hooker for Jesus on the internets…she was kind of a letdown.

First off, she looked like this:

hooker

Not a total bummer, but certainly not what I expected.

Second…she’s not even a hooker any more! WTF is up with that?!

Third, she’s all “…committed to reaching out to teens/women that need assistance/escape from the sex industry…” Again, WTF?

This whole hooking for Jesus is obviously not what I had in mind for today’s FF.

I started reading Annie Lobért’s testimony hoping for the best…it started off pretty good:

WARNING DISCLOSURE: This story contains explicit material not suitable for children/young adults. If you are under 18, please ask permission from your parents to read this story. I am going to be real honest and candid on this site, so if you are tired of lies and want the truth, BUCKLE your seatbelts and hang on! I believe in being REAL. Please read this story, and I will explain everything to you….”

Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere…I read on…

Annie talked about getting molested at age 8…how her heart was broken by the man that took her virginity…how she became a “rebel” “…by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people–people with issues just like mine. You get the picture–PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking/drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town–listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading “fashion” magazines.”

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

Then she gets raped a whole bunch of times…

Believe it or not, this MEDIA–POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me! I was the “PARTY GIRL!” This is when the first of many rapes happened…

Damn, this is becoming a real fucking boner killer…but it all sounds like the perfect recipe for the making of one delicious whore cocktail…and then she really kicks it into high gear:

hookerProstitution, (street & high class call girl) exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions–yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME… just to name a few…

Whoa…masturbation addiction and smoking?! Sounds like a few Awesomeness readers I know…

But then she gets all Debbie Downer again and starts up with the whole, I was “raped by gunpoint, strangled, suffocated, guns put in my mouth, hair cut off, tied up, gagged, put in trunks of cars, bones broken, spit on, kicked, pushed, stalked by crazy men, tied up, kept hostage, and beaten into submission…

Oh my God, just stop already! Enough! Fuck, lady, you are totally ruining Fetish Fridays for everyone.

And that’s only the first half of her story…I couldn’t even keep reading to get to the part where she decides to become a Jesus Hooker…or whatever.

Okay, look, I feel bad for Annie’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but I’m really starting to feel for that Stryper guitarist…could you imagine marrying this emotional train wreck? And to top it all off, now she’s all super preachy religious?! Not to sound too much like a callous dick, but fuck that noise…I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room for 10 minutes with this broad.

Fuck….I finally get around to a Fetish Fridays post and it gets annihilated in about 5 minutes…I knew I should have gone with that whole lesbian centaur fetish

Ruined potential...

Ruined potential...