Fetish Fridays…On A Sunday? Yep…And Still NSFW.

hookers for Jesus Oh man…I’ve been meaning to get around to this FF topic for a little over a month now. I know it’s not Friday, but I felt that Sunday was quite à propos for HOOKERS FOR JESUS.

That’s right…you heard me. Hookers. For. Jesus.

I first heard about HOOKERS FOR JESUS from a buddy at the record store….

He was all, “Remember Stryper?”

Me: “Yeah. I hated that band.”

Buddy: “Me too, but that’s not important right now. Did you know that their guitarist is getting married?”

Me: “So? Big whoop.”

Buddy: “He’s getting married in Las Vegas…to a prostitute…”

Me: “Say what?”

Buddy: “Yeah, she’s some sort of hookerfor Jesus!”

Me: “What the fuck’s a hooker for Jesus?! I mean, I could think of a worse pimp, but fuck man, walking the track for the fucking Son Of God…that’s some fucked up shit right there.”

I must know more! To the internet!

maryWell I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of what one of Christ’s call girls might look like, I kind of picture a sexy Mary Magdalene like this little lady on the right.

You know…part sinner, part saint, all whore!

But when I found the real hooker for Jesus on the internets…she was kind of a letdown.

First off, she looked like this:

hooker

Not a total bummer, but certainly not what I expected.

Second…she’s not even a hooker any more! WTF is up with that?!

Third, she’s all “…committed to reaching out to teens/women that need assistance/escape from the sex industry…” Again, WTF?

This whole hooking for Jesus is obviously not what I had in mind for today’s FF.

I started reading Annie Lobért’s testimony hoping for the best…it started off pretty good:

WARNING DISCLOSURE: This story contains explicit material not suitable for children/young adults. If you are under 18, please ask permission from your parents to read this story. I am going to be real honest and candid on this site, so if you are tired of lies and want the truth, BUCKLE your seatbelts and hang on! I believe in being REAL. Please read this story, and I will explain everything to you….”

Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere…I read on…

Annie talked about getting molested at age 8…how her heart was broken by the man that took her virginity…how she became a “rebel” “…by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people–people with issues just like mine. You get the picture–PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking/drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town–listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading “fashion” magazines.”

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

Then she gets raped a whole bunch of times…

Believe it or not, this MEDIA–POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me! I was the “PARTY GIRL!” This is when the first of many rapes happened…

Damn, this is becoming a real fucking boner killer…but it all sounds like the perfect recipe for the making of one delicious whore cocktail…and then she really kicks it into high gear:

hookerProstitution, (street & high class call girl) exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions–yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME… just to name a few…

Whoa…masturbation addiction and smoking?! Sounds like a few Awesomeness readers I know…

But then she gets all Debbie Downer again and starts up with the whole, I was “raped by gunpoint, strangled, suffocated, guns put in my mouth, hair cut off, tied up, gagged, put in trunks of cars, bones broken, spit on, kicked, pushed, stalked by crazy men, tied up, kept hostage, and beaten into submission…

Oh my God, just stop already! Enough! Fuck, lady, you are totally ruining Fetish Fridays for everyone.

And that’s only the first half of her story…I couldn’t even keep reading to get to the part where she decides to become a Jesus Hooker…or whatever.

Okay, look, I feel bad for Annie’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but I’m really starting to feel for that Stryper guitarist…could you imagine marrying this emotional train wreck? And to top it all off, now she’s all super preachy religious?! Not to sound too much like a callous dick, but fuck that noise…I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room for 10 minutes with this broad.

Fuck….I finally get around to a Fetish Fridays post and it gets annihilated in about 5 minutes…I knew I should have gone with that whole lesbian centaur fetish

Ruined potential...

Ruined potential...

Final Girl Film Club Presents: The Beyond

Terrifying and unspeakable secrets of hell, huh?

Terrifying and unspeakable secrets of hell, huh?

What’s up my little chickadees? I know it’s been a while but I’m back in the Film Club Coolies Gang!

Can you believe I’ve missed four whole months of participating in Final Girl‘s Film Club?

Know why? Well, I’d like to tell y’all it’s because I’ve been super busy getting ready for the birth of my son…but the truth is…I’m kinda’ lazy and I haven’t been all that enthused with the Film Club movie selections recently…

Well laziness be damned and interest be peaked this month, boners!

Today we’re diving face first into Lucio Fulci‘s THE BEYOND…It’s a “graphic frenzy of gory crucifixions, chunkblowing chain-whippings, eyeball impalements, sulfuric acid meltdowns, flesh-eating tarantulas, throat-shredding demon dogs and ravenous bloodthirsty zombies!”

Man, can the back cover of this DVD sell this fucker or what?

But before I get to my thoughts on this bad boy, I think we should start with a little song called, Seven Doors Hotel, by Swedish rockers, EUROPE! (Yes, that Europe!) It’s totally about THE BEYOND and does a pretty good job summing up the plot to a horror movie like only heavy metal lyricists can…but with guitar solos!

Okay…so…um…how to describe the “plot” to THE BEYOND?

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So there’s this warlock, right? And he’s all into magic and doors and painting and stuff…and, um, the sepia toned residents of 1920s Louisiana don’t cotton to no queer necromancers in their parts.

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Seriously, the Creoles are one thing, but they just can’t stand for no frilly wizard settin’ up shop in one of their fancy hotels!

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Soooo, they catch him, whip him with some chains, crucify him to a wall, and give him a face full of caustic soda as warning to all the other sissy Satanists round these parts! It’s a total “All warlocks, keep out! This means you! Love, Louisiana!” kind of thing.

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And there’s this book. It’s the Book Of Eibon and it’s full of cool stuff like a magical formulae for “the slaying of certain otherworldly horrors” and it even has the rites of Zhothaqquah in it! But for some reason the movie doesn’t really get into all that…I think it’s still a pretty neat book though.

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Anyway, the hotel where the warlock was murdered back in the 20s is inherited by a young woman in the 1980s…and woe be unto this poor woman that inherited this creepy money pit! The Seven Doors Hotel is all sorts of fucked up! Weather beaten exteriors, bad plumbing, crappy interiors, a flooded basement, two weirdo servants, the ghost of one dead warlock…oh, and it was built over one of The Seven Doors To Hell! Heh…who knew?

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This might be a bummer for her, but it’s too good to be true for us! Once she tries to get the hotel up and running all sorts of Hell starts breaking loose and the promises made on the back of the DVD all come true!

Eyeball impalements!
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Sulfuric acid meltdowns!
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Flesh-eating tarantulas!
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Throat-shredding demon dogs!
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Ravenous bloodthirsty zombies!…Well, kind of…they weren’t that ravenous or bloodthirsty…and some were zombie ghosts…or were they ghost zombies?
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Either way, they really weren’t very threatening and the guy with the gun shouldn’t have wasted so many bullets when he was perfectly capable of walking around the nonthreatening ghost zombies, uh zombie ghosts…or whatever.
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I won’t spoil the “mind bending” ending here but let me tell you, I was all, “Huh?” and “Wha?” and even a little, “Uh, okay?” And then I realized THE BEYOND was a surreal
hallucinatory masterpiece
and it all made sense in an André Breton kind of way.

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So that’s that! Let’s see what Stacie herself has to say and what the other Film Club Coolies thought over at FINAL GIRL!

From The Darkness Of Hell Out She Came

Family's important shit, man.

Family's important shit, man.

So yesterday, my good friend, Bwana, asked me if I had seen the trailer to the upcoming movie, ANVIL! THE STORY OF ANVIL.

I was embarrassed to admit that I had not…for three reasons.

One, I like to think that I have my finger on the pulse of the movie biz and two, it’s a documentary about a heavy metal band from the 80s.

Oh, and the third reason? Get this, I had no idea who ANVIL was. Never heard of ’em…never listened to any of their records…

Groan……how did I miss out on these Canadian Monsters of Heavy Metal?!

Beats me. Just lazy I guess?

Oh, and Bwana says that ANVIL’SMetal on Metal” is one of the great records of the 80’s,” and that it’s, “Up there with “Ride the Lightning” and “Piece of Mind“.

For eternity Mothra reigns supreme !

For eternity Mothra reigns supreme !

What the fuck, right?

Comparisons to classic Metallica and Maiden?

Can it be true?

Well, after some research I think I have to agree with Bwana…These dudes fucking rock!

They even have a song about MOTHRA, for Christ’s sake…fucking MOTHRA, man!

Now I gotta’ get my hands on some ANVIL LPs something fierce!

Diamond Dave Part 2

I just can’t get enough of David Lee Roth this weekend…so let’s waste some time playing video games like we did in the 1980s!

Just click the pic, kids!

Would you like to play a game?

Would you like to play a game?

Epiphany Of Imagination

At MCEgrafix.com we offer composite Image Creation services. Using Adobe Photoshop Creative Suite 3, we have the ability to create the most stunning and innovative composite images available.

At MCEgrafix.com we offer composite Image Creation services. Using Adobe Photoshop Creative Suite 3, we have the ability to create the most stunning and innovative composite images available.

Michael Conrad, everybody! After seeing the amazing work done by MCEgrafix.com® on Michael’s website, I was worried that Michael’s music wouldn’t live up to the visual hype…well, let me tell you, this dude seriously rocks my fuckin’ socks off! Check him out HERE.

Hetfield Hair Watch

hetfield_graph1
Click the Graph and watch it magically grow in size!

Much like Samson, James‘ power resides in his hair.

Rocktober! Day31

Pumpkininny!

Pumpkininny!

Here it is! The final day of Rocktober! Boy, what a long strange month this turned out to be!

You know, Rocktober wasn’t a total failure…I realize that now. I’ve been particularly hard on myself the past 31 days…worrying that no one was enjoying all the (mostly) hard work I was putting into my month long horror/metal celebration.

But that wasn’t the case at all.

My good friend Bwana, was always a strong supporter of Rocktober and he totally brought us Donny Most‘s most horrific character since Ralph Malph…the totally awesome, MOLOCH on Day 3..

The lovely and talented, Becca, over at No Smoking In The Skull Cave gave Rocktober, not one, but two separate shout-outs this month! If you haven’t checked out her awesome blog, do yourself a favor and peep it post haste! Just click the banner!

My favorite Auntie and Unkle even threw a parade in honor of Rocktober over at Kindertrauma…(well, that’s not totally true…there is a parade, but it’s the 1st Annual Kindertrauma Halloween Parade and has nothing to do with Rocktober…heh.) Thanks, boys! You’re the bestest!

Oh, I can’t forget The Wife! She stood by her man during the soaring highs and soul crushing lows of Rocktober…and even though I couldn’t find a way to work in Mike Schank for her, she definitely helped my Rocktober dreams come true with her suggestions, comments, and understanding.

I also gotta’ give a special thanks to my good buddy and inspirational coach, Steve. (Steve has no links…he is a private man…and a genius…seriously…he’s super smart.) Thanks, Steve, you’re always good for a swift kick in the pants area to get me back on track! You’re wicked awesome. Say hello to your family for me.

Alright! Let’s do this! It’s Halloween and that means it’s the 31st day of Rocktober!!!!

Today….One Man…Three bands…all metal…all horror…

Glenn Anzalone!

Huh?

That’s DANZIG, you chuckleheads!

First there was the horror punk of The Misfits!

Then there was the death rock of Samhain!

And finally, the dark metal-blues hybrid of Danzig!

Happy Halloween, fellow fiends! Thanks for sticking out Rocktober with me….now go eat some candy and watch a scary movie or two.