twice the thrills! twice the chills!

Hey Boners!

Guess what? You’re ol’ pal, Canacorn, has stumbled back into the blog-o-sphere (are the kids still calling it that these days?) for a quickie post about horror movies.

You see, my buddy, cole (no capital letters…this dude just won’t use them for some reason), over at vitagraph, american is doing this little thing called, twice the thrills! twice the chills!

I’ll let cole explain what it’s all about: “the concept is pretty basic – you have one theater for one halloween night. what double feature do you program and why? two films and your motivations for selecting them, otherwise no limits. i leave it to your unfettered imaginations.

Sounds easy enough, right? Right! So let’s get to it!

Initially, I thought a David Cronenberg body horror double feature would be pretty sweet….

Then I figured The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and it’s super awesome sequel would be a great Halloween dream team…

And then I almost decided on the wonderfully twisted and hilarious horror/comedy rope-a-dope combo of Henenlotter‘s Frankenhooker and Stephen Sayadian‘s Dr. Caligari to really showcase my love for The Cinema

And then I thought….

You see where this is going? It took me forever to stop permuting every fucking horror movie I’ve ever seen into some sort of more awesomer double shot of awesomeness! Or whatever.

Well, after hours and hours of brain melting introspection, I finally unfettered more than my imagination and came up with my Halloween night two-fer!

First up: À l’intérieur (American title: Inside) (2007)

Okay, I first heard about this one from the Gorillanaut blog back in July of 2008.

While checking out the screenshots, my first thought was, “Who’s the cutie with the gap in her teeth?” and then my second thought was, “Christ on a bike! This movie hates faces!!!”

The cutie with the diastema is the bat-shit insane, Béatrice Dalle, and this movie doesn’t just hate faces, it hates everything!

I had to watch this one alone since The Wife was pregnant at the time and wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo‘s unrelenting story of one woman’s desire to have a baby. There’s a bit more to the plot, but if you haven’t seen this brutal and disturbing French horror film, I don’t want to spoil anything. I’m not usually the squeamish type, but I moaned and squirmed during the entire run time of this fucker. I could only imagine what it would be like to see this one on the big screen in a crowded theater…

It would be a great start to my double feature….and it seriously hates faces…seriously.

How do you keep the meat in the seats after 83 minutes of “strong bloody violence, gruesome and disturbing content, and language“? I got one word for you, RE-FUCKING-ANIMATOR!

Re-Animator (1985)

This 80s classic has it all…and by all, I mean, a great directior, excellent casting, a tight script, superb special effects, and a severed head going downtown on a naked Barbara Crampton!

I remember seeing this on cable as a young man, and it blew my mind. This is another film that just screams to be seen late at night with a group of like minded horror fans on the silver screen! And since it has its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, I believe it’s a nice mental break after À l’intérieur.

And I think it has one of the best title sequences and theme songs ever!

So that’s it….I’m done. Happy Halloween! I’m anxious to hear all about the other double feature picks over at vitagraph, american!

Canacorn out!

Zen And The Art Of Police Work

I know I’ve been away from the internet for a while, so bringing up Steven Seagal Lawman on the first day of 2010 is probably old news…

But I’m gonna’ do it anyway.

I finally caught a few episodes and just had to say something about how fucking awesome this show is. I know some of y’all would argue my definition of awesome, but bear with me….

Every episode pretty much follows the same format:

Seagal hangs out with his “hand-selected elite team” of likable, portly deputies for a while then they get in their police cruisers and drive around listening to the police scanner for “crimes in progress.”

Luckily, there seems to be quite a bit of downtime, so Seagal can talk about Zen, dojos, and all sorts of Oriental stuff while his partner tries to concentrate on driving.

They make their way through Jefferson Parish until they hit some sort of quota of people yelling, “It’s Steven Seagal,” and then their scanner goes off!

The boys in blue race to the scene while Seagal stares out of the passenger side using his weird Zen powers to scan the area for crime…and we know he’s doing this ’cause of the Terminator-vision and the cool whoosing sound effects the show uses!

Once they roll up on the suspicious persons it never fails that one of the perps takes off running…this is not good for our rotund, middle aged peace officers.

The chase that ensues is always the same: Skinny crook runs like the wind and hops about five fences while Steven and his chunky cops lag behind grousing about their knees between labored breaths. The boys eventually get back in their cars and track down the suspects whereabouts thanks to Steven‘s Chinese magic!

Once the crook is cuffed the first thing out of his mouth is, “It’s Steven Seagal! I’m being arrested by Steven Seagal!” Then everyone laughs like the end of an A-Team episode….but it doesn’t stop there…after the police work is done we’re treated to Steven helping out a fellow cop pass a shooting range test through the use of Ancient Chinese Secrets, or perform wacky Chinese acupuncture on one of his buddies, or sing songs to orphans, or talk to dogs…you know, all the usual stuff Steven does on his off time from busting the bad guys and taking down double quarter pounders with cheese.

I know it seems like I’m bagging on Steven and his show, but I really do like it.

Sure he’s put on a few pounds, but he comes off as a pretty cool dude and he’s still a bad ass. There may not be much danger and arm breaking, but he can still shoot the head off a match and laugh when someone tells him “Sacky Chan” might not be able to beat him in a fight but Chuck Norris would whoop his ass.

So if you’re bored, check your local listings and treat yourself to a little Seagal this year…you’ll thank me later.

Namaste and Canacorn out!

Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?

Anyone?

Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

Two For Tuesdays

toniHey boners, it’s Toni Basil!

I know the picture makes you think you’re getting “Mickey” as one of your songs today…

But you’re not.

It’s not like you haven’t heard it a million times anyway…

The closest you’ll get from me today is Kitty by Racey, and you’ll fucking like it.

So, uh, here’s Toni with a cover of DEVO‘s “Space Girl Blues

Space Girls

Now let’s check out “You Got A Problem“…which is a cover of DEVO‘s “Pity You“:

What are the chances that today’s two-fer fails just as miserably as last Tuesday’s?

Knowing my audience, pretty damn good.

C U Next Tuesday!

Two For Tuesdays

gto Today’s band is ADULT.

I like these kooks…

And I especially like the super sexy and dangerously hot photography of band member, NICOLA KUPERUS.

I hear they made some sort of “experimental horror film” called DECAMPMENT that could only be “experienced in person with ADULT. performing the soundtrack live to the film“…which sounds pretty cool if you’re into that kind of stuff. Watch the trailer HERE.

There’s also a 7″ vinyl only release called, THE DECAMPMENT TRILOGY, which is all super limited and shit…curious if there are any left? Then click HERE.

Okay, enough talk…let’s listen to some music…

Inside

I Feel Worse When I’m with You

That’s it for today, boners, C U Next Tuesday!

A Horrifying Sensation…

Must watch….must own….

Thanks to Radioactive Lingerie for the heads up!

NSFW Snapshot Of Awesomeness

tattooSooooo, I found this picture on the internets this morning…

You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

What the fuck, right?!

I mean, seriously

Can you believe that shit?!

It’s driving me crazy over here

I’ve been looking at it for hours and I still can’t figure it out…

What the fuck is up with that dude’s tattoo?!

tattoo

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Periodontics Edition

lh Hey boners! What’s shakin’?

Yeah, yeah, I hear that….”Another day another dollar…Time to make the donuts….Blah, blah, fucking blah…

Well hold on there pardnersit’s Friday…and aside from being alright for fighting…it means…oh wait, that’s Saturday…damn…

Uh, anyway…what I’m getting at is, it’s time to break you out of your humdrums and talk about some fetish of some sort! And if you couldn’t tell by the scrumptious picture of Lauren Hutton on the left side of your monitor, today’s topic is teeth!

But not just any type of teeth…oh no, my friends…only the ones with a gap right smack dab in the middle of those big ol’ central incisors is good enough for this Friday!

80616_Heather-Parisi-7-17_122_438loWe’re strictly talking lucky teeth, or as the French like to say, “dents du bonheur“!

I know the topic of diastema is a bit tame compared to some of my past FF entries…but it is one that puts a smile on my face (and by smile, I mean erection..and by face, I mean penis…so what I think I’m trying to say is, “The enlarged and firm state of my penis…is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, that is usually, though not exclusively, associated with gap toothed women.

Oh crap…now you’re picturing me and my amazing, incredible, expandable, blood filled erectile tissues….This is getting awkward…Uh…let’s move on…

So anyway, I was reading a review for ONCE BITTEN over at THE HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE the other day (seriously, it’s the best review I’ve ever read for ONCE BITTEN…check it out) and even though Yum-Yum made no mention of it, all I kept thinking about was Ms. Hutton’s delectable diastema!

bella And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ’em out there…

And get this…some of ’em even do the pornographies!

It’s true!

Which is kind of fitting…you know, because of the whole Canterbury Talesgap-toothed wife of Bath, middle-aged woman with insatiable lust” rumor that the “firste fyndere of our fair langage” and loveable scamp, Geoffrey Chaucer, started waaay back in the 14th century!

There’s Belladonna, Naudia Nyce, Pepper Foxx, Chase Taylor, and hundreds of other starlets in waiting flashing their gapes and their gaps all over the internets!

naudiaSo wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?

Of course it’s a great idea! So what the fuck, internets?! Where’s my diastema fetish site?!

No matter where I turn, I can find a fetish specific website for just about every sub-genre of porn…everything except this one.

You want clips and pictures of mature, BBW, amateur, hirsute honeys giving blowjobs to tattooed European gentlemen with big cocks that end in Roman Showers?

You got it! The internet provides!

But a guy wants some hot enamel action and he gets nothin’.

chase I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…

What kind of world do we live in that I can’t see this young thing try and fit those two big, bulbous heads on that soft, sensuous, smooth and sturdy 18 inch veined dildo between the contacts of her perfectly spaced maxillary central incisors?

A disappointing world…that’s what kind.

Seriously, internets, I’m gonna’ have to stop this whole Fetish Fridays dance if you can’t deliver the goods…I know we only do this FF thing (almost) once a week, but my feelings of dissatisfaction that follow your constant failures is really starting to take its toll.

So think about it…we’ll talk next Friday.

Canacorn, out!

What Cha’ Watchin’?

vlcsnap-1788461

Anybody else remember when she didn’t have a shit-ton of creepy kids and was showing her tits to Elias Koteas in CYBORG 2?

Things I Decided Today

Okay, since we’ll never get another episode of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT…I suggest that Mitchell Hurwitz should hit us up with a spin-off.

Anyone remember the Bill Bixby show from the early 70s called THE MAGICIAN?

Magic, bitches!

Magic, bitches!

It was about a playboy magician that solved crimes…with magic! Pretty rad, right?

A trick is something a whore does for money...

A trick is something a whore does for money...

Well, why not tweak that idea and make it a comedy with Will Arnett reprising his role as GOB as the crime busting illusionist?!

Imagine the hilarity…all the old gang could make cameos…The whole Bluth clan and especially The Hot Cops, Mr. Bananagrabber, and the lovable African-American puppet, Franklin!

I know, I know….I’m practically a fucking genius here….still not sold?

Okay, watch this old intro to THE MAGICIAN but imagine GOB as the titular character instead of Bill Bixby

See what I’m sayin’? I’ll call Hollywood.