Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?

Anyone?

Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Shoe Fucking!

Decisions, decisions...

I know you perverts have been lost without me these past few months…God only knows what kind of indignities your eyes and genitals have suffered without FF around!

I can only imagine what you poor degenerates have been masturbating to…and for some reason I imagine a German paysite featuring internal POV videos of Gräfenberg’s ring insertions…or whatever.

Well, your agony has ended starting today!

Welcome back FETISH FRIDAYS!!!!

I know I’m a bit rusty here since I’ve been away from the cesspool of cum and shit that is internet porn, but I’m gonna’ give it my best shot! Today we’re covering some familiar territory..but with a twist!

Sure, sure, everyone and their mother has a fucking shoe fetish…but how about a shoe fucking fetish?! (See what I did there? I said, “fucking shoe” and then I said, “shoe…” oh never mind…)

You were expecting something sexier...like an exotic stiletto maybe?

I have to admit I’ve never had sex with a shoe. Hell, I wouldn’t even know where to start….I know, I know, you’re disappointed

But seriously, do I fuck one of my own shoes? And if I do, is it like masturbating? Is it gay to fuck a dude’s shoe? Is it cheating on my wife if I fuck another woman’s shoe? Is it cheating on my wife if I fuck her shoe and not her? Do I fuck a shoe with or without someone’s foot still in the shoe?

A shoehorn is a tool that allows the user to put on a shoe more easily.

So many questions!!!! Calgon, take me away!

Okay, get it together, Canacorn….you’re here to provide a service.

I’ll probably never get the answers to all my questions, but let’s see what some “experts” are saying about shoe fucking.

With just a few keystrokes I stumbled upon a helpful site called, Hot Shoe Shots.

I decided to troll their forums to see just what these shoe fuckers were talking about…(I’ve included their avatars just so you guys know that we’re dealing with the real deal.)

On the topic of “New Ways Of Fucking Womens Shoes

HighHeelShoeJacker (I’m pretty sure that is not his real name) says, “I have been fucking shoes for a while now,besides using an open toe as an orafice,or sticking the heels up my ass i havent heard anything new,well except one guy i met on here that attaches his Borrowed open toe heels to an orbital power sander which is Very hot for hands free shoe fun!”

drex2 chimed in with,“try putting on a vibrating cock ring with the vibrator under your balls and lube up a shoe and go to town on it, its agreat feeling, you can get those cock rings also in a trojan condom pack….. “

Then things started getting all technical when The Original Peeptoe shared some serious techniques:

“Why not have the shoe fuck you? Especially good with long, thin metal heels, is getting urethrally fucked under the shoe. Clean the heel with alcohol first and grease it with a sterile water base lube. The heel, if it has a lift, should be free of burrs or flares. New heels that are all metal and kept for the purpose are best.

Slide it gently into your peehole and guide it slowly down, feeling it on the bottom side of your cock with one hand while controlling the shoe’s descent with the other. I routinely bury a six inch stilletto all the way down until the head of my cock is spreading to try to accomodate the flaring heel top. For a real thrill, get your ladyfriend to slip her foot into the shoe once it’s been installed. Just seeing her standing there impaling you as you lie under her ought to make you come.

A word about coming. With the heel in, it may hurt a little! “

Uh…wha? “Urethrally fucked“? “Peehole“? “Impaling“? Fuck a bunch of that, The Original Peeptoe (if that is your real name?)! Obviously, some people are a little more extreme in the shoe sex department.

Oh, another thing I learned about shoe fuckers: They kidnap shoes to take back to their lairs and fuck them.

You heard me.

They steal shoes…and then fuck them.

And they get REAL excited about Summertime…’cause that’s when people like you are kicking off your flip flops in public and leaving them unattended.

Peep this post by our pal, HighHeelShoeJacker, “Ok its almost warm enough for flip flop season,they are the most readily available footwear that girls seem to leave lying around unattended,anyone have any good technique for using them?”

You’ve been warned, so don’t come crying to me if one or both of your flip flops goes missing…but know some creep is raping the shit out of that shoe and it’s your fault.

Just sayin’.

Oh, in case you’re wondering….yes there are female shoe fuckers out there! But it seems to me that they usually make sweet sweet love to their own shoes…and only because creepy dudes like seeing chicks shove weird shit in their vagoos…

So there you go! Not too shabby of a return of FF this week if I do say so myself! Hope you boners enjoyed it….

Canacorn out!

NSFW Snapshot Of Awesomeness

tattooSooooo, I found this picture on the internets this morning…

You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

What the fuck, right?!

I mean, seriously

Can you believe that shit?!

It’s driving me crazy over here

I’ve been looking at it for hours and I still can’t figure it out…

What the fuck is up with that dude’s tattoo?!

tattoo

Fetish Fridays! NSFW And It’s The Pits!

armvag You know what I was thinking about this morning?

Probably not…so I’ll tell ya’.

I was thinking about that armpit molester from Singapore and how he got 14 years in jail and caned 18 times for sniffing the pits of 23 different females!

To be honest, unsolicited sniffing was not his only crime…in addition to sniffing his victims’ armpits he also fondled a 13-year-old AND exposed himself to that 53 year old….but that’s not important right now!

What is important is today’s celebration of one of the most underrated erogenous zones of the body…no, no, not the rectouterine pouch, you kooky kids, THE ARMPITS!

pitlick

It’s Summertime, and exposed pits are all the rage in my town! Unconcealed underarms are hotter than Zubaz pants and full print t-shirts these days!

asiaHairy, shaved, gay, straight, sweaty, smelly, male, female….Armpits and armpit exposing fashions are hot, hot, hot!

Everyone is rockin’ the tank, tube top, A-shirt, or some form of sleeveless T!

Shit, some people are even going topless for maximum erotic armpit exposure!

The young and the old are going apeshit for armpits!

Seriously, I can’t leave the house or turn on my computer without having my eyeballs assaulted by untamed, debauched, epicurean acts of axilla flashing, shaving, sniffing, licking, sucking and fucking….

That’s right, I said fucking!

People are actually fucking each others armpits.

Click to watch!

Click to watch!

And I think the world is a better place because of it…that and the Zubaz pants comeback…but that’s just me.

These pants are the same pants that were worn by pro athletes, rock stars, kings and queens, and anybody who Dared to be Different.

These pants are the same pants that were worn by pro athletes, rock stars, kings and queens, and anybody who Dared to be Different.

Canacorn out!

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Periodontics Edition

lh Hey boners! What’s shakin’?

Yeah, yeah, I hear that….”Another day another dollar…Time to make the donuts….Blah, blah, fucking blah…

Well hold on there pardnersit’s Friday…and aside from being alright for fighting…it means…oh wait, that’s Saturday…damn…

Uh, anyway…what I’m getting at is, it’s time to break you out of your humdrums and talk about some fetish of some sort! And if you couldn’t tell by the scrumptious picture of Lauren Hutton on the left side of your monitor, today’s topic is teeth!

But not just any type of teeth…oh no, my friends…only the ones with a gap right smack dab in the middle of those big ol’ central incisors is good enough for this Friday!

80616_Heather-Parisi-7-17_122_438loWe’re strictly talking lucky teeth, or as the French like to say, “dents du bonheur“!

I know the topic of diastema is a bit tame compared to some of my past FF entries…but it is one that puts a smile on my face (and by smile, I mean erection..and by face, I mean penis…so what I think I’m trying to say is, “The enlarged and firm state of my penis…is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, that is usually, though not exclusively, associated with gap toothed women.

Oh crap…now you’re picturing me and my amazing, incredible, expandable, blood filled erectile tissues….This is getting awkward…Uh…let’s move on…

So anyway, I was reading a review for ONCE BITTEN over at THE HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE the other day (seriously, it’s the best review I’ve ever read for ONCE BITTEN…check it out) and even though Yum-Yum made no mention of it, all I kept thinking about was Ms. Hutton’s delectable diastema!

bella And it got me thinking about some other gap toothed ladies…Brigitte Bardot, Jorja Fox, Anna Paquin, Béatrice Dalle…man, there’s a whole bunch of ’em out there…

And get this…some of ’em even do the pornographies!

It’s true!

Which is kind of fitting…you know, because of the whole Canterbury Talesgap-toothed wife of Bath, middle-aged woman with insatiable lust” rumor that the “firste fyndere of our fair langage” and loveable scamp, Geoffrey Chaucer, started waaay back in the 14th century!

There’s Belladonna, Naudia Nyce, Pepper Foxx, Chase Taylor, and hundreds of other starlets in waiting flashing their gapes and their gaps all over the internets!

naudiaSo wouldn’t it be a great idea to have some sort of specialty fetish website for the appreciation of gap toothed women?

Of course it’s a great idea! So what the fuck, internets?! Where’s my diastema fetish site?!

No matter where I turn, I can find a fetish specific website for just about every sub-genre of porn…everything except this one.

You want clips and pictures of mature, BBW, amateur, hirsute honeys giving blowjobs to tattooed European gentlemen with big cocks that end in Roman Showers?

You got it! The internet provides!

But a guy wants some hot enamel action and he gets nothin’.

chase I guess there’s just not much of a demand for teeth porn….which is kind of sad really…I mean, look at this picture…

What kind of world do we live in that I can’t see this young thing try and fit those two big, bulbous heads on that soft, sensuous, smooth and sturdy 18 inch veined dildo between the contacts of her perfectly spaced maxillary central incisors?

A disappointing world…that’s what kind.

Seriously, internets, I’m gonna’ have to stop this whole Fetish Fridays dance if you can’t deliver the goods…I know we only do this FF thing (almost) once a week, but my feelings of dissatisfaction that follow your constant failures is really starting to take its toll.

So think about it…we’ll talk next Friday.

Canacorn, out!

Fetish Fridays…On A Sunday? Yep…And Still NSFW.

hookers for Jesus Oh man…I’ve been meaning to get around to this FF topic for a little over a month now. I know it’s not Friday, but I felt that Sunday was quite à propos for HOOKERS FOR JESUS.

That’s right…you heard me. Hookers. For. Jesus.

I first heard about HOOKERS FOR JESUS from a buddy at the record store….

He was all, “Remember Stryper?”

Me: “Yeah. I hated that band.”

Buddy: “Me too, but that’s not important right now. Did you know that their guitarist is getting married?”

Me: “So? Big whoop.”

Buddy: “He’s getting married in Las Vegas…to a prostitute…”

Me: “Say what?”

Buddy: “Yeah, she’s some sort of hookerfor Jesus!”

Me: “What the fuck’s a hooker for Jesus?! I mean, I could think of a worse pimp, but fuck man, walking the track for the fucking Son Of God…that’s some fucked up shit right there.”

I must know more! To the internet!

maryWell I don’t know about you guys, but when I think of what one of Christ’s call girls might look like, I kind of picture a sexy Mary Magdalene like this little lady on the right.

You know…part sinner, part saint, all whore!

But when I found the real hooker for Jesus on the internets…she was kind of a letdown.

First off, she looked like this:

hooker

Not a total bummer, but certainly not what I expected.

Second…she’s not even a hooker any more! WTF is up with that?!

Third, she’s all “…committed to reaching out to teens/women that need assistance/escape from the sex industry…” Again, WTF?

This whole hooking for Jesus is obviously not what I had in mind for today’s FF.

I started reading Annie Lobért’s testimony hoping for the best…it started off pretty good:

WARNING DISCLOSURE: This story contains explicit material not suitable for children/young adults. If you are under 18, please ask permission from your parents to read this story. I am going to be real honest and candid on this site, so if you are tired of lies and want the truth, BUCKLE your seatbelts and hang on! I believe in being REAL. Please read this story, and I will explain everything to you….”

Yes! Now we’re getting somewhere…I read on…

Annie talked about getting molested at age 8…how her heart was broken by the man that took her virginity…how she became a “rebel” “…by looking for love in all the WRONG places, in WRONG people–people with issues just like mine. You get the picture–PROMISCUITY, nightclubs, drinking/drug parties, hanging out in bad parts of town–listening to wrong (sexually perverted/degrading women/violent) types of music, MUSIC VIDEOS, TV, reading “fashion” magazines.”

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

See what happens if you read VOGUE, ladies?

Then she gets raped a whole bunch of times…

Believe it or not, this MEDIA–POP CULTURE and lifestyle I embraced had such a HUGE influence on me! I was the “PARTY GIRL!” This is when the first of many rapes happened…

Damn, this is becoming a real fucking boner killer…but it all sounds like the perfect recipe for the making of one delicious whore cocktail…and then she really kicks it into high gear:

hookerProstitution, (street & high class call girl) exotic strip dancing, nude modeling, drugs of every kind, sex addiction, cutting, abortions–yes and miscarriages, masturbation addiction, pornography, dominance mistressing addiction, bisexuality, men addiction, gambling, binge drinking, smoking, anorexia, bulimia, and JAIL TIME… just to name a few…

Whoa…masturbation addiction and smoking?! Sounds like a few Awesomeness readers I know…

But then she gets all Debbie Downer again and starts up with the whole, I was “raped by gunpoint, strangled, suffocated, guns put in my mouth, hair cut off, tied up, gagged, put in trunks of cars, bones broken, spit on, kicked, pushed, stalked by crazy men, tied up, kept hostage, and beaten into submission…

Oh my God, just stop already! Enough! Fuck, lady, you are totally ruining Fetish Fridays for everyone.

And that’s only the first half of her story…I couldn’t even keep reading to get to the part where she decides to become a Jesus Hooker…or whatever.

Okay, look, I feel bad for Annie’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but I’m really starting to feel for that Stryper guitarist…could you imagine marrying this emotional train wreck? And to top it all off, now she’s all super preachy religious?! Not to sound too much like a callous dick, but fuck that noise…I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room for 10 minutes with this broad.

Fuck….I finally get around to a Fetish Fridays post and it gets annihilated in about 5 minutes…I knew I should have gone with that whole lesbian centaur fetish

Ruined potential...

Ruined potential...

Things I Decided Today

With all the big budget films and movie parodies being cranked out by the adult industry, you’d think someone would pull their head out of their ass (or someone’s ass) and finally make this fucking masterpiece already?!

btilv

realbtilvI know BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA already exists as a porno…but there’s no evil magician, mysterious underworld, or kung-fu masters in it!

Just an “..interracial cast of petite cuties love having their tight and tasty little vaginas stretched to the limit by men with big dicks. The only trouble is finding them big enough to satisfy the insatiable appetites of these nymphomaniacs!

In addition to all the straight sex, there could be something for everyone…

Imagine a The Three Storms three-way for the gay and bi-curious audience?

You could even have a Gerontophilia (look it up) scene between David Lo Pan and Gracie Law for the more adventurous!

How about a record setting gang bang alleyway scene with the Wing Kong and a lucky green-eyed Chinese lady?

And don’t even get me started on what could be done with this little feller:

guardian

The possibilities are fucking endless…Seriously, someone make this….sheesh.

*Oh, I’m not sure who made the BTILV poster…but someone did, so, thanks whoever you are!