WTF Is Up At Awesomeness?

wtf Hey boners!

I know, I know, where the fuck have I been and what’s up with stuff, right?

Well, the short of it is, The Wife and I just had a baby Canacorn about a month ago and I’ve been knida’ busy doing all sorts of new dad type stuff.

Which means not much time for dicking around on the internets or watching many movies…and certainly not much time for blogging.

I have been visiting my old haunts (see the links in yon sidebar)…but more as a lurker than a commenter…so don’t be offended if you haven’t heard from lil’ ol’ me as of late.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Click this pic to read about the worms that came out of this man's ass.

Anyhoo, I did want to check in with youse guys to tell you about a new show I caught on The Travel Channel the other night.

It’s called Bite ME With Dr. Mike!

Who’s Dr. Mike? Well, that’s the good doctor in the picture…the guy holding the handful of Giant Intestinal Roundworms that he just shit out of his ass….seriously…I saw him do it on the teevee.

So, this bat shit insane crazy man that claims to be a Dr. goes to Third World Countries and eats dirty food, drinks filthy water, and lets all sorts of bugs and animals chew on his flesh…all in the name of SCIENCE…or whatever.

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

Click this pic of Dr. Mike's back to read about bloodletting!

It’s truly fascinating….and Dr. Mike is so goddamn enthusiastic about getting leeches attached to his back and ass, drinking the “brown soup of excrement and industrial effluents” that is the Ganges River, and getting caught in the middle of a monkey gang fight, that the show has become a Casa Canacorn favorite after only one episode!

That’s right, you heard me…monkey gangs had a rumble and Dr. Mike was in a “drive by” biting.

You can’t make this shit up…

Oh, peep the teaser to the episode I saw:

Anyway, I just wanted to let you kids know that I’m alive and to hip y’all to crazy Dr. Mike and his amazing ass worms….

Canacorn out!*

*yeah, still trying to make that work….

Good Time Gone Bad

star Wai, Grashoppers!

When I heard that Master David was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok, I resisted the urge to post a quickie memorial here at Awesomeness.

The details were just coming out and the early reports suggested suicide…the Thai police hadn’t released the info about the whole rope tied around his neck and genitals yet, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Master David was a victim of a good time gone bad right from the jump.

As more info comes out of Bangkok it seems like I’m probably right….but hey, who knows, maybe it was murder? Foul play is still a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to losing a family member or a friend, but it sure is a whole lot less awkward and embarrassing than some private sex act gone wrong.

Because once you’re the “died jerking off guy“, that’s pretty much all everybody remembers about you and your name ends up tacked onto a Wikipedia page under “Erotic asphyxiation: Accidental death, famous cases“. And who the fuck wants that?

The Wife was totally bummed Master David (maybe) died in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident…she really felt that he should have “gone out in a blaze of glory“…like in a knife fight with a couple of Thai ladyboys or something just as awesome…

Well, I’ve been keeping my eye on a reputable news source, and they’ve been saying Master David was murdered…by a couple of Thai ladyboys! WTF!?!!

Check it:

GL25Carradine June 9, 2009 David Carradine Killing

“KUNG FU legend David Carradine was murdered! That’s the shocking conclusion of experts who believe evidence found in the actor’s Thailand hotel room – and autopsy secrets – point to the cover-up of a chilling crime. This week GLOBE unravels the mystery the entire world is talking about.”

GL26carradine June 17, 2009 Revealed! Who Killed Carradine

“DAVID Carradine was strangled in his Bangkok hotel room by TWO drag queens! That’s the chilling conclusion of the Kung Fu star’s movie producer, who is ripping the lid off a bizarre murder cover-up plot. It’s all in our blockbuster Special Report about the tragedy that’s shocked the world.”

Damn, Master David, way to keep real! I can only hope to get myself into such awesome shenanigans when I’m in my 70s….seriously, fighting a couple of transsexual kung fu assassins to the death in a fancy hotel in Bangkok is a damn fine way to go!

Having those tranny bitches make it look like an autoerotic fatality is fucking cold blooded…but I’d expect nothing less from a secret sect of Shaolin shemales from the martial-arts underworld!

Bitches, man…bitches!

You can bet I’ll be following this story until the FBI catch those deadly kathoey-saloeys and clear Master David’s name! So, as they say in Thailand, sawatdee! Which pretty much means, Canacorn out! (Why the fuck doesn’t Ryan say that anymore…it has such a douchey charm to it…)

THE ROOM Week: Live In Austin

roomwk
Day 6, boners!

And some of y’all doubted my commitment to Sparkle Motion during THE ROOM Week!

Photo by Roger Patterson

Photo by Roger Patterson

When I decided to spend the days of May 4th through the 10th posting nothing but THE ROOM related awesomeness here on Awesomeness, I had no clue that The Wife and I would actually get to see the film up on the big screen.

But the stars lined up just right and like some sort of cosmic jigsaw puzzle all the pieces fell perfectly into place! Not only was THE ROOM coming to Austin right in the middle-ish of THE ROOM Week…but it’s visionary creator, Tommy Wiseau, would be accompanying it!

The screening sold out so fast The Alamo Drafthouse and Tommy decided to add a second show the same night. Lucky for me, The Wife was on it and snatched up our tickets toot sweet!

This was the first time THE ROOM had made its way to Austin…and the excitement was thick in the air! Guys showed up in tuxedo t shirts carrying footballs and roses while the women were adorned in their finest Scotchka fashions, id est, a “sexy dress” coupled with a necktie tied around their head.

We all may have been big screen THE ROOM virgins, but some of the evening’s theater goers had never even seen the best worst movie ever made (no offense, TROLL 2)!

Before the film we were treated to a Q and A with Tommy…and let me tell you, he is just as bat shit insane as you would have guessed. Here’s a snippet The Wife recorded with our little Kodak camera from the back row:

You can hear me asking The Wife if she thinks Tommy gets laid a lot at the 1:52 mark…what you can’t hear is her response of, “Oh yeah. Totally. He’s a pussy magnet.” I knew she had to be right, and I really wanted to ask Tommy if the rumors were true that he was a pussy magnet, but I never got the chance.

I did get to ask him about his vampire movie though! And you can hear that (at 4:16) and the entire Q and A on this superior video by DillyShinguards:

It’s 16 minutes of bizarre hilarity…

I think the best question someone asked was if Tommy would play catch with them…surprisingly(?), Tommy said yes…and while they tossed a football back and forth the lucky devil exclaimed, “You’re my best friend!” Wow…genius.

The film itself was even better on the big screen than at home on the tee vee and the crowd participation, while not as organized and consistent as the monthly LA screenings, was extremely funny and infectious. The couple sitting next to us had never seen THE ROOM and it was awesome watching them lose their shit during the film….especially at the tragic ending…as soon as Tommy pulled the trigger I leaned over to the young lady and asked, “Didn’t see that coming?” to which she practically screamed, “Oh my god, NO!”

Anyway, even though our pics came out blurry and I never got Tommy to tell us what the title of his upcoming Wiseau Films Vampire movie will be (my money’s on: THE COFFIN), we still had a great time!

I highly recommend seeing THE ROOM in a theater with a bunch of fanatics if you ever get the chance…it was a perfect night during this perfect week!

THE ROOM Week: The Entering

roomwk Okay, here we are at day 3 of THE ROOM Week!

I know some of y’all haven’t seen Tommy Wiseau‘s THE ROOM yet…
so you might want to turn back now if you don’t want anything ruined for you.

I truly believe that the best way to watch THE ROOM is to go in totally blind….avoid the blogs, interviews, and the Wiki if you can.

That being said, I bet you’re wondering why I’m dedicating an entire week to it. Well, much like THE ROOM, I am full of contradictions…and no matter what you read or hear about THE ROOM, your brain will never be ready for this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma of a film. Not even the trailer or the official website will prepare you to enter THE ROOM.

Just so you know what’s going on, here’s the synopsis from the website:

“The Room” is an American black comedy about love, passion, betrayal and lies. Johnny is a successful banker with great respect for and dedication to the people in his life, especially his future wife Lisa. Johnny can also be a little too trusting at times which haunts him later on. Lisa is a beautiful blonde fiancé of Johnny. She has always gotten her way and will manipulate to get what she wants. She is a taker, with a double personality, and her deadly schemes lead to her own downfall. Mark is a young, successful and independent best friend of Johnny. He has a good heart, but gets caught up in Lisa’s dangerous web and gives into temptation. This eventually brings him to great loss. Denny is an orphan boy, naive and confused about life, love, and friendship. Denny is very ambitious and also very grateful to the people that are in his life. “The Room” depicts the depths of friendship and relationships in one’s life and raises life’s real and most asked question: “Can you ever really trust anyone?”

So, “Are you ready to see reflection of your life?

Okay then, let’s “ENTER ‘The Room’ and leave forever changed!

I hope to see this logo in front of movies for a loooong time!

I hope to see this logo in front of movies for a loooong time!

When Bwana sent over a copy of THE ROOM to Casa Canacorn not too long ago, The Wife and I had no idea what to expect. We had watched the trailer online and thought the movie looked like an okay-ish early 90s independent film like THE BROTHERS McMULLEN…or whatever.

But why in the world would Bwana recommend a “quirky black comedy with the passion of Tennessee Williams“? We were about to find out…

The pillow fight theme also appeared in many of Tennessee's plays.

The pillow fight theme also appeared in many of Tennessee's plays.

6 minutes in…We’ve seen some of the most awkward acting, bizarre dialog, a three way pillow fight between a grown man, his fiancee, and a (possibly) retarded 18 year old boy, and one of the most uncomfortable love making scenes ever filmed.

Johnny, the familiar poet realist type of Tennessee character.

Johnny, the familiar poet realist type of Tennessee character.

17 minutes in…The cinematic world as we know it had been shattered into a million pieces and rebuilt into a shockingly repellent yet intriguing piece of celluloid…obviously crafted by the great, the obscure, the unutterable Nyarlathotep!

One man has one great good true thing in his life.

One man has one great good true thing in his life.

After the scene between Lisa and her shrewish mother, The Wife loudly exclaimed that her brain “literally hurt“…I looked over and saw some blood pooled at the corner of her left eye…her brow was covered in sweat and she had chewed most of the skin off of her lower lip. Things were not going well…

Then there was the second love scene…exactly 11 minutes after the first…and it was more heart-rending than the previous one…even though it lacked Johnny’s weird muscular ass….I swear to god, he had some ripped glutes!

Didn't you notice the powerful and obnoxious odor of mendacity in this room?

Didn't you notice the powerful and obnoxious odor of mendacity in this room?

20 minutes in…This happened:

By now, I was convinced that I was watching THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE! The Wife was slowly losing her grip on reality…she had completely bitten off the fingernails on every finger of her left hand and was starting on the right when the Scotchka scene happened. It was followed by the third love making scene…which was made up of outtakes from the first love making scene, signaling the return of Johnny’s weird muscular ass…The wife’s hand dropped away from her mouth and just like Jesus at Lazarus’ tomb, she wept.

I always thought drinkin' men lost their looks, but I was plainly mistaken.

I always thought drinkin' men lost their looks, but I was plainly mistaken.

60 minutes in…We’ve now been introduced to a second wave of characters. There’s the Chocolate is the symbol of love couple, Michelle and Mike.

Sometimes I wish I had a pill to make people disappear.

Sometimes I wish I had a pill to make people disappear.

The money obsessed, psychopathic drug dealer, Chris R.

But, there's one thing you can't buy at any European fire sale...That's your life.

But, there's one thing you can't buy at any European fire sale...That's your life.

And Peter, the friendly (but clumsy) psychologist.

What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?

What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?

I’ve become dizzy and a bit disorientated by this point…and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with The Wife’s constant moaning and and mumbling of, “Hot water burn baby Hot water burn baby Hot water burn baby,” for the past 15 minutes. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder…the cheeping starts…for some reason Johnny, Mark, and Denny have decided to start communicating like baby chickens to force Peter into playing a brutal game of tuxedo football. The Wife throws up.

Life ain't no damn football game. Life ain't just a buncha high spots.

Life ain't no damn football game. Life ain't just a buncha high spots.

1 hour and 10 minutes in…Our “reality” and the film’s “reality” have fully fused together…I feel Johnny’s pain…Mark’s guilt…Denny’s confusionI am Lisa’s machinations…I was THE ROOM and THE ROOM was me. My eyes were wide open and I could see everything so clearly. I wanted it all. I wanted to live, live, live! The Wife was asleep…or maybe dead…did it matter? Lisa was seducing Mark…again.

Careful Maggie, your claws are showing.

Careful Maggie, your claws are showing.

1 hour 16 minutes inSURPRISE!

Running from lies like birthday congratulations and many happy returns when there won't be any!

Running from lies like birthday congratulations and many happy returns when there won't be any!

It’s Johnny’s birthday…all his friends and Lisa are here! Oh, hi Mark! Oh, hi Denny! Look, balloons and a cake! This is such a beautiful party…what could possibly go wrong? Oh look, Lisa is practically fucking Mark on the couch.

You don't know what love means! To you, it's just another four-letter word.

You don't know what love means! To you, it's just another four-letter word.

The wife stirred from her fetal position on the floor…”Party? Is it for the baby,” she whispered. “Lisa said she was carrying Johnny’s baby.” She collapsed before I could tell her…there was no baby. Lisa lied…again. Amazingly, Johnny’s party wasn’t totally ruined yet…but being there felt like sitting on top of an atom bomb that was about to go off.

Did you ever in all your born days hear such a bold-faced lie?

Did you ever in all your born days hear such a bold-faced lie?

1 hour and 24 minutes in…Johnny and Mark get into a fight…The Wife crawled closer to the teevee leaving a trail of vomit and blood across our living room floor…presumably to get a closer look…her eyes appeared to be swollen shut.

You won't live with mendacity? Well, you're an expert at it!

You won't live with mendacity? Well, you're an expert at it!

1 hour and 26 minutes in…The Wife’s hands clawed at the teevee. I think she’s is trying to physically enter THE ROOM…searching for complete immersion into Johnny’s drama…or maybe she’s trying to turn it off. She didn’t accomplish either. The film builds to it’s dramatic conclusion behind her crimson hand prints and maniacal laughter. The party is over. The guests have left. Lisa has left to be with Mark. Everyone has betrayed Johnny. He is alone…in THE ROOM.

You... you got pain - at least you know you're alive.

You... you got pain - at least you know you're alive.

1 hour 33 minutes inEverything will be alright. Goodnight Johnny.

Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die.

Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die.

The Wife has stopped crying. “Am I dead?” she asks.

You’re in a better place,” I tell her. “You are forever changed.”

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

Blue Drank

So, yesterday I was working on an upcoming post for THE ROOM Week (I know, I know, it’s not until May and you’re already sick of me talking about it) and I was getting all crazy Virgo about some minor details that I couldn’t figure out…so I turned to Bwana for some help.

I shot him a quick email since I was sure he must be some sort of expert on the details in question…I eventually figured it out on my own (with some help from The Wife) and emailed Bwana again to share the good news.

When he emailed me back he expressed his approval and admiration of my findings and then he hit me up with a (non THE ROOM) question of his own for me!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

Hey, what do you think that blue stuff that Aunt Beru gave to Luke to drink when he was whining about going to get the power converters was?

Hmmmmm…an interesting question…I was pretty sure Bwana was in no way making fun of me or “busting my balls” as the (Italian) kids say…so I hit the internets to find out just what in the Hell was in that future flask!

A few key strokes later and I ended up on Wookieepedia! And sure as shit there was an entry for Blue Milk!

It says: “Blue milk, sometimes known as Bantha milk[1] was a blue-colored liquid produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands. It could be found on most planets across the galaxy. The milk was well known for being very rich and refreshing, its opaque coloring suggesting that it was also sweet. The milk was also used to make a variety of yogurt, ice cream, and cheese.

There’s even a commercial for it:

So, there you go, Bwana! If you (or any of you other Awesomeness readers) think of any other burning questions I can answer for ya’ just let me know at mrcanacorn@gmail.com or hit me up in the comments section!

THE ROOM Week: Serendipity, Baby!

roomwk First up, just a friendly reminder that THE ROOM Week is only days away!

That’s right, boners, a whole week of THE ROOM related goodness right here on Awesomeness!

From May 4th to the 10th (that’s a Monday through a Sunday) I’ll be assaulting your brain pans with my musings on Tommy Wiseau‘s cinematic masterpiece!

Oh and remember, If you feel like posting anything at all about THE ROOM and/or Tommy Wiseau any time between the 4th and 10th of May just hit me up with an email at (mrcanacorn@gmail.com) and a link to your blog or website and I’ll throw you in the mix!

Hi doggie.

Hi doggie.

And secondly, on Wednesday, May 06, 2009 Tommy Wiseau is screening THE ROOM right here in Austin!

At my favorite movie theater, The ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE!

No fucking way, right?!

Right smack dab in the middle of THE ROOM Week!

Obviously, The Wife and I already purchased our tickets (Thanks for the heads up, Bwana!)

Here’s their write up:

Austin’s premiere venue for alternative comedy, ColdTowne Theater, presents this once-in-a-lifetime cinematic event- an evening with Writer/Director/Actor Tommy Wiseau inside THE ROOM!

Love is blind.

Love is blind.

If you’re one of the select few who’ve had the good fortune to see THE ROOM, your mind is already blown and you are quite possibly unable to read written language. But if you haven’t, you may be wondering how a humble independent feature — albeit one shot simultaneously with both 35mm and high-def digital cameras because the director wanted to compare the two formats — could have so quickly become a cult sensation on par with THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

Scotchka!

Scotchka!

Let’s just say that no matter how much you think you know about what a movie is, THE ROOM will prove you wrong. Wiseau says that he intentionally shot this movie as a “black comedy” and we say, “Sure, what the hell.” We’re just happy he made it, and we’re ecstatic that he’s personally coming down to Austin to share it with us. People will be talking about this for years, guaranteed, so don’t miss it. We would quote the film, but the most repeated line in the whole movie is “Don’t worry about it,” and we want you to worry about it.

I can’t fucking wait!