Good Time Gone Bad

star Wai, Grashoppers!

When I heard that Master David was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok, I resisted the urge to post a quickie memorial here at Awesomeness.

The details were just coming out and the early reports suggested suicide…the Thai police hadn’t released the info about the whole rope tied around his neck and genitals yet, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Master David was a victim of a good time gone bad right from the jump.

As more info comes out of Bangkok it seems like I’m probably right….but hey, who knows, maybe it was murder? Foul play is still a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to losing a family member or a friend, but it sure is a whole lot less awkward and embarrassing than some private sex act gone wrong.

Because once you’re the “died jerking off guy“, that’s pretty much all everybody remembers about you and your name ends up tacked onto a Wikipedia page under “Erotic asphyxiation: Accidental death, famous cases“. And who the fuck wants that?

The Wife was totally bummed Master David (maybe) died in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident…she really felt that he should have “gone out in a blaze of glory“…like in a knife fight with a couple of Thai ladyboys or something just as awesome…

Well, I’ve been keeping my eye on a reputable news source, and they’ve been saying Master David was murdered…by a couple of Thai ladyboys! WTF!?!!

Check it:

GL25Carradine June 9, 2009 David Carradine Killing

“KUNG FU legend David Carradine was murdered! That’s the shocking conclusion of experts who believe evidence found in the actor’s Thailand hotel room – and autopsy secrets – point to the cover-up of a chilling crime. This week GLOBE unravels the mystery the entire world is talking about.”

GL26carradine June 17, 2009 Revealed! Who Killed Carradine

“DAVID Carradine was strangled in his Bangkok hotel room by TWO drag queens! That’s the chilling conclusion of the Kung Fu star’s movie producer, who is ripping the lid off a bizarre murder cover-up plot. It’s all in our blockbuster Special Report about the tragedy that’s shocked the world.”

Damn, Master David, way to keep real! I can only hope to get myself into such awesome shenanigans when I’m in my 70s….seriously, fighting a couple of transsexual kung fu assassins to the death in a fancy hotel in Bangkok is a damn fine way to go!

Having those tranny bitches make it look like an autoerotic fatality is fucking cold blooded…but I’d expect nothing less from a secret sect of Shaolin shemales from the martial-arts underworld!

Bitches, man…bitches!

You can bet I’ll be following this story until the FBI catch those deadly kathoey-saloeys and clear Master David’s name! So, as they say in Thailand, sawatdee! Which pretty much means, Canacorn out! (Why the fuck doesn’t Ryan say that anymore…it has such a douchey charm to it…)

Ken Kwapis Is Just Not That Into Hot Chicks

hes_just_not_that_into_you Okay, look…

I’m not one of those guys that tolerates Romantic Comedies just to keep his wife off his back…or the guy that has to suffer through another Chick Flick so he can finally get “his turn” picking the dvd on movie night.

I sincerely like rom coms.

There, I said it….and I’m not even embarrassed or anything.

That being said, what the fuck was up with HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?

The movie itself was okay-ish…a little long at 2 hours and 9 minutes…not great, but certainly not as fucking horrible as FAILURE TO LAUNCH (seriously, FTL is so bad it has become the Measuring Stick Of Total Fail for all romantic comedies viewed in Casa Canacorn).

My real problem is with Ken Kwapis.

Sure, he’s a competent director…and he obviously knows funny…but I’m convinced he’s just not that into hot chicks.

I know you’re all, “Wait a gosh durn minute, Canacorn! That movie is chock a block full of hot tail! Look at the cast: Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Drew even though she’s a bit crooked faced Barrymore! Are you blind?”

ladies

No, I’m not blind…but about halfway through the movie I was convinced that the costume designer and the entire hair and makeup department must have been.

And then it hit me…it’s not their fault…it’s the director’s. He must ultimately shoulder the blame of being a total boner killer in what should have been a full on boner party in my pants area.

Look, it’s not like I expected a fucking flesh parade or anything, but the fashion prudery that was on display in this movie was a serious insult to my flaccid genitalia.

vlcsnap-68372

Would it kill somebody if these gals exposed a wrist or shoulder, for Christ’s sake?

vlcsnap-69255

The words dowdy, boring, drab and bland kept coming to mind.

vlcsnap-71709

And when we get some pops of color it’s all sky blue and orange with a splash of gray….WTF? Not only is the impact of this color combination tragic and uninspired…but I’m pretty sure that’s a fleece jacket from the 1980s.

vlcsnap-70137

Poor Ginnifer Goodwin got it the worst…I was convinced she must have been afflicted with some sort of erythematous maculopapular rash since she spent 95% of the film completely covered…they should have thrown a burqa on that bitch and called it a fucking day.

vlcsnap-58753

Another gripe I have with Mr. Kwapis and his obvious disdain for the female form was his excessive use of shooting the girls from the waist up. Did they even have legs? Were they wearing form fitting skirts? Tulip? Bubble? A-Line? Pencil? Who fucking knows?

And I’m no foot fetishist, but where were the goddamn shoes? Didn’t SEX AND THE CITY teach us anything about the importance of female footwear in cinema?

The only exception was Busy Phillips…she may have only had 10 minutes of screen time, but she made the best of it by flashing her beautiful wrists and stunning cleavage in a smart and simple little black dress.

vlcsnap-75449

You just can’t go wrong with that….am I right or am I right, Dr. Cosmo?

What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandonagain…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.

vlcsnap-44735

vlcsnap-46037

vlcsnap-27443

Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.

vlcsnap-28177

Fetish Fridays! NSFW Reader Mail And BeaverBongs!

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Hey boners!

Sorry the FF posts have been so infrequent lately…you know how it goes, right? Sometimes life just gets in the way and all that.

But it’s back today, kids! So grab a bottle of your favorite personal warming lubricant and a box of tissues and come on!

Today we’re trying out something a little different…READER MAIL!

(You too can play along by sending me an email: mrcanacorn@gmail.com)

Don’t worry…I’ve only received one “letter” so far, so this will be quick…then we can get to today’s FF topic!

The dicks in question

The dicks in question

John Says:
March 27, 2009 at 8:14 pm

hi,
I liked your description of dickgirls/futanaria. We have a lot in common based on your profile including originating in the northeast and ending up in the southwest…and comics, and a fun “partner in crime”. Speaking of which…do you have any idea whatsoever how to find one of those fake cock setups that squirt etc…such as Maritza has? I would love to get one for my wife, who would absolutely go nuts with it…but I haven’t found anything at all. This is a last chance option…just wondering if you know something I don’t *smile* For that matter, I suppose I could make one if forced to…any thoughts on how they are attached? (are they attached??)
regards,
John

Okay…a little background…John is referring to this Fetish Fridays Post.

Well John, first things first….Thanks for reading FF (you might even try reading some of the other posts here at Awesomeness) and taking the time to write! And sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

So, let’s get to the, a-hem, meat of your letter! (See what I did there? You asked about cocks and I sai…oh, forget it.) I’m sorry to say, I don’t know where to get one of those fake cock setups…I did some “research” on the internet and came up empty handed. I even tried typing “How to make a fake squirting cock” into Google and everything. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

So then I decided to go to straight to the source! Maybe the creator of Futanaria would reveal his cock secrets?!

Well, turns out John isn’t the only one wondering how to get his hands on a giant, strap on, spurting fake cock…oh no, my friends! Quite a few people have been asking about these mysterious devices.

Giant spurting fake cock.

Giant spurting fake cock.

And Craddy (the man behind the Futanaria) is keeping everything about the ladies’ uh…pulsating penile protuberances totally top secret!

Sorry, John…can’t help ya’ buddy *frown*.

Okay…so much for that! Keep those letters (emails) coming, fetish fans!

Moving on!

A couple of weeks ago my blog buddy Myrtle left me this comment, “Have you seen that clip where the guy is taking a bong rip with a special bong that’s inserted into his girlfriends pussy? Try to find it – it’s barf central :-P”

To which I said, “No fucking way!?!? I’m on it! Pussy-bong here comes Canacorn!

And guess what I found. Not just a single clip…oh no…a whole damn website!

I got two words for you guys…well, two words that have been combined to make one word actually…

BEAVERBONG!

Hell ya bro!

Hell ya bro!

What’s it all about?

“WHEN YOU JUST CAN’T CHOOSE BETWEEN SEX AND WEED”

“BeaverBong.com knows how to party! If you love pussy, (who doesn’t) and love da bong (Dude, our girls ARE the bong!) YOU have got to party with us!”

Uh, so these dudes put bongs in girls vaginas…and smoke weed…out of their vagina bongs.

I believe that children are our future...

I believe that children are our future...

I don’t think I have anything else to say about that.

Here’s a song.

A Vice Magazine Article

I just finished reading THOMAS MORTON‘s MEDIEVAL SLIMES (Two Weeks of Living Disgustingly) this morning and really just had to share…

Oh, a quick Canacorn Fun Fact: I wore a fucking bib until I was seven and can’t stand the thought of being dirty.

Enjoy!

2 “According to such sources as Hollywood, history textbooks, and the word on the street, the Middle Ages were a thousand-year grunge revival in which everybody walked around covered in fleas and mud and you could tell a person’s class by the particular stench of their balls. This is total bullshit. I know this because I just spent two weeks adhering strictly to premodern hygiene techniques and aside from a few skid marks, unexplained sores, heavy dandruff, lots of smegma, and a possible case of Saint Anthony’s fire, I turned out fine. Here’s how it went.”

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE!…if you can stomach chamber pots, greasy balls, and pus filled welts…

Fetish Fridays! Base For Your Face Special

Aye carumba!

Aye carumba!

Hey boners!

Sorry things have been a little quiet around these parts lately…you know how it goes…quit smoking (again)…get all despondent…you know that deep dejection arising from a conviction of the uselessness of any further effort on my part…and the despair and the cessation of effort or resistance that often implies acceptance or resignation of my complete lack of faith in myself…or whatever.

But enough about me!

Let’s get on with today’s Fetish Friday! And let me say, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of y’all are going to wish I took today off.

Sooooo, consider this a warning…those with sensitive hearts and impressionable minds should just click HERE and come back next week.

Go on now…go on…get!

Okay…are they gone?

Are you ready for this?

Today we go to a dark dark place….I found it on the internet a few weeks ago…it’s called:

CRACK WHORE CONFESSIONS!

It says on the box: No actual drug used depicted in this movie

It says on the box: No actual drug used depicted in this movie

And the website boasts, “Prepare to Scar Your Mind! Cracker Jack brings you shocking videos of Real Crack Whores telling their true life confessions about what these street walkers will do for their Johns. Hear insane tales of sex, drugs, violence, and life on the streets.

Damn! It’s like a bizarro mix of COPS and TAXICAB CONFESSIONS with a hearty helping of every HBO documentary about hookers and addicts ever made!

And…it has a theme song! That you can download!

You know, sometimes when I’m watching porn I think too much about the reality of what I’m seeing and what some of those young “actors” and “actresses” are going through in their lives…the self esteem issues, drug problems, social stigmas…and it really gets in the way of my enjoyment of all the double penetrations, throat gaggings, and extreme fistings

So why in the world would I want to watch a Crack Whore Granny Toothless Gum Job?

This crack whore Granny is best known for her famous toothless gum jobs!

This crack whore Granny is best known for her famous toothless gum jobs!

Or an 18 Year Old Cheerleader Turned Crack Whore?

Cracker Jack does not find fresh faces like this hooking on the stroll very often.

Cracker Jack does not find fresh faces like this hooking on the stroll very often.

I wouldn’t! Talk about depression….Jesus Christ…what the fuck man?

Who is jerking off to this?!

There’s over 150 damaged souls sucking and fucking for crack rock on this site!

And after watching Cracker Jack bang some of these broads without a fucking condom(?!) you can take a crack house tour! Hooray! Life sucks!

Who's Ready for Dinner?

Who's Ready for Dinner?

And to top it all off you can say, “Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

NOT ironic.

NOT ironic.

Wow….worst FF ever…

So, uh…here’s a Canacorn favorite to cheer us all up after today’s post:

“Let Me Put You Out Of My Misery.”

So, I watched Punisher: War Zone…I thought the acting was horrible, the story was lame, and there wasn’t enough of this:

vlcsnap-22331

vlcsnap-35828

vlcsnap-47265

vlcsnap-48322

vlcsnap-55434

vlcsnap-56910

Ray Stevenson was good, though…and he looks like Bwana…which was kind of weird.