Today Is Brought To You By The Letter A.

A is for…

ASIA
I’m totally crushing on her and here’s why:

1. She’s hot.

2. I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure she’s crazy.

3. She’s a Virgo…just like me.

4. She’s not afraid to show some skin…and I can certainly get behind that level of dedication to her craft!

Peep this quote from her commentary on Scarlet Diva:

I grew this enormous bush, ’cause I thought it would sell the movie in Japan. ‘Cause the Japanese really like hair. Hairy…uh…female genitals. So I…uh, actually saw the movie in Japan…I don’t know if it was because of the bush or they just liked the manga-like story…I think it’s for the bush.

Homegirl knows what the people want and she’s not afraid to give it to ’em!

Here’s a screen shot of Asia in Scarlet Diva. You can’t see it here kids, but believe me, it is awesomely enormous! If you’re curious about the bush all you have to do is rent the movie (or just Goggle: Asia Argento bush…it works…I’m pretty sure Asia hates wearing clothes) and you’ll see what all of Japan went bananas for!

A also stands for something else! It stands for the alias of one of the best bloggers out there. He actually reminded me of Asia’s birthday with his post on Saturday. I’m totally crushing on him today as well. His name is….

ARBOGAST
While I’m not sure about the enormity of his bush, I do know that ARBOGAST ON FILM is essential reading for movie and pop culture enthusiasts of all ages! And here’s why:

1. I’ve never seen him so I don’t know if he’s hot, but he is mysterious…and that counts for something.

2. Again, I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure he’s a genius.

3. I’m not sure what his astrological sign is…like I said, he’s a mystery. I guess that’s not really a reason but I was going for consistency here, people.

4. He’s not afraid to give the people what they want either…but he never panders to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploits his reader’s weaknesses. Seriously, you need to make a daily pilgrimage to his blog…There’s The One You Might Have Saved Blog-a-Thon, The Kill Face Chronicles, and more reviews and musings of a madman than you can shake a severed limb at!

If you don’t believe me it will be your loss, turkeys! Hell, even Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl says, “Arbogast rules,” and you can’t argue with that.

So, that’s not all the letter A stands for today…it also stands for:

THE AWESOMEST!

‘Cause both Asia and Arbogast totally get the full on 5 Spaghetti Cat rating!

You two kooky kids rock my world! And that’s the truth!

The One I Might Have Saved

Arbogast On Film dropped his bloody gauntlet down and encouraged his faithful readers (and fellow bloggers) to a challenge (of sorts):

But I wouldn’t be disappointed if you bloggers out there carried the “The one you might have saved” torch to your own sites and wrote about those horror movie victims whose plights especially touched you and whom you wish you could have carried to safety.

Since I recently discovered his beautifully depraved site, it’s taken me this long to find his original blog post on The one you might have saved…pretty cool, huh?

Some other great horror bloggers thought so as well….
Like, hot to trot Stacie P. at FINAL GIRL…and hot for cock Pax R. at BILLY LOVES STU…hey, so did my favorite Aunt and Uncle over at KINDERTRAUMA! I’m sure there are even more at this point, so keep checking Arbogast On Film or try Googling “The One You Might Have Saved Blog-a-Thon” and see who pops up!

So, who would I save…

I thought about this off and on for a couple of days and was really having a hard time. At first I thought I’d be all controversial and say the mildly retarded virgin (not to mention…rapist), Matthew, from I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE…but I quickly changed my mind…why? Well….because he’s a rapist…so fuck him, I don’t care if he is mildly retarded.

I finally figured it out one morning….you guys ever watch 1977’s FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE? You might know it as Blood Bath at 1313 Fury Road…aka Getting Even…aka Held Hostage…aka Hostage (USA: alternative title)…aka I Hate Your Guts…aka Staying Alive (USA: alternative title)…aka The Hostage’s Bloody Revenge…whew! No? Here, peep the trailer:

Yikes! That’s one crazy movie!! Some may not call it a horror movie, but I say fuck that! You watch it and tell me your not horrified by the language, the baby held at gun point, the rape, the shootings, the stabbings, the beatings…and the death of JOEY.


David Dewlow as Joey…doomed to death.

Poor Joey…he’s the one I would save. Why? Maybe it’s because…well…he kind of reminds me of me and most of the other young guys I grew up with in the 70s.


Max and Joey best friends forever…or until the unexpected brutal killing of one or the other.

You see, Joey and Max had a regular day mapped out…build a fort, horse around in the woods for a while, have a real STAND BY ME heart to heart about Viet Nam and dads and shit…then Max had to go and get held hostage by 3 totally deranged escaped convicts. Well lucky for Max, Joey had a feeling something fishy was going down and decided to get all HARDY BOYS and go snooping around. Unluckily for Joey, he was spotted by a bloodthirsty Chinaman named Ling…


Wha? A Chinaman? Shit!

Joey is easily overtaken…and well…this happens…


GAH!


NO!


BANG…TWITCH…BANG…


HEH…HEH…HEH…


BANG!


BANG!

Seriously…it just doesn’t fucking stop!


BANG!


SHUDDER….


DEATH RATTLE…


I SMASHED HIM WITH A ROCK…


HE’S DEAD!

The asshole actually says that….”I smashed him with a rock…he’s dead!” Poor Joey…and then we have to see his little corpse carried out of the woods to his father….who doesn’t even know his best little guy has been murdered…


…Uh…he knows now.

I won’t describe the whole movie to you but I will tell you that Ling, the rock-wielding Chinese asshole, get his in the end…you see, the hostage house gets surrounded and ol’ Ling can’t take the pressure and throws himself through a window…


You’ll never take me alive!

That’s right, fucker, ’cause…


YOU’RE


DEAD!

So there you go…the one I might have saved…and though I couldn’t save little Joey, at least I could revel in the grisly death of his murderer!

Rest in peace, Joey….and rot in Hell, Ling!