Fetish Fridays! NSFW And Totally Refreshing!

I don’t know what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but here in the A,TX. it’s hot, hot, hot! And when it gets hot, there’s nothing I like better than a cool refreshing drink!

An ice cold beer, some unsweetened sun tea, a tall glass of ice water, or even a smoothie….but not just any smoothie…the only thing that can beat this Texas heat is an:

100% genuine ass smoothies!

100% genuine ass smoothies!

Wait, you guys don’t drink ASS SMOOTHIES in your hometown? Don’t tell me you’ve never even heard of them?

Just making another ass smoothie.

Just making another ass smoothie.

Check it…ASS SMOOTHIES started off as this crazy porn thing on the internets where some pervy dudes found some “pornstars and hot girls who enjoy ass to mouth felching.”

I’ll let these demented thirst experts explain the rest:

The porn babes make a smoothie which is then poured inside their rectum. We use a speculum to gape their asshole open wide so we can fill up their anal cavity with what then becomes known as the ass smoothie. As they wait in the piledriver position with their ass up in the air, we pour the entire anal smoothie inside their butt and let it sit there for a moment. When they are completely full, the girls get back on their feet and squirt the ass smoothie from their assholes into a glass below. Next they take the anal beverage to their lips and drink it all, thus completing the felching cycle of ass to mouth, by ingesting the ass smoothie which was sitting deep inside their own rectum.”

She poured juice, cola and whipped cream in a blender and presto she got her own flavor of ass smoothie!

She poured juice, cola and whipped cream in a blender and presto she got her own flavor of ass smoothie!

Man, doesn’t that sound delicious?! It became such a popular drink among professional women, college students and speculum salesmen here in Austin that ASS SMOOTHIE stands started popping up all over town!

The ASS SMOOTHIE was liberated from it’s existence as the second class citizen of “fruity, sweet, nutty flavored drinks with undertones of rich, dark rectum” to it’s rightful place as THE MOST REFRESHING DRINK IN THE WORLD!

Before you knew it, everyone and their mom were blending their own special brand of ASS SMOOTHIE…there were ASS SMOOTHIE parties where people would bring tricked out blenders and personalized, gold plated speculums…debates would rage over the proper temperature for the perfect ASS SMOOTHIE (98.6 degrees was usually beat out every time by cooler, more refreshing temps)….some people even got their pets in on the act with a very special Canis lupus familiaris ASS SMOOTHIE…but I won’t get into that.

Live music was out as the driver of Austin’s “creative economy” and everyone knew that Austin, TX. was now THE ASS SMOOTHIE CAPITOL OF THE WORLD! Even the old hippies were wearing tied-dyed shirts with the ASS SMOOTHIE slogan, “KEEP AUSTIN SMOOTH“.

SRV can S My D! Keep Austin Smooth!

SRV can S My D! Keep Austin Smooth!

So, don’t the let heat get the upper hand, get on the ASS SMOOTHIE train this Summer and keep it smooth in your city!

THE ROOM Week: Live In Austin

roomwk
Day 6, boners!

And some of y’all doubted my commitment to Sparkle Motion during THE ROOM Week!

Photo by Roger Patterson

Photo by Roger Patterson

When I decided to spend the days of May 4th through the 10th posting nothing but THE ROOM related awesomeness here on Awesomeness, I had no clue that The Wife and I would actually get to see the film up on the big screen.

But the stars lined up just right and like some sort of cosmic jigsaw puzzle all the pieces fell perfectly into place! Not only was THE ROOM coming to Austin right in the middle-ish of THE ROOM Week…but it’s visionary creator, Tommy Wiseau, would be accompanying it!

The screening sold out so fast The Alamo Drafthouse and Tommy decided to add a second show the same night. Lucky for me, The Wife was on it and snatched up our tickets toot sweet!

This was the first time THE ROOM had made its way to Austin…and the excitement was thick in the air! Guys showed up in tuxedo t shirts carrying footballs and roses while the women were adorned in their finest Scotchka fashions, id est, a “sexy dress” coupled with a necktie tied around their head.

We all may have been big screen THE ROOM virgins, but some of the evening’s theater goers had never even seen the best worst movie ever made (no offense, TROLL 2)!

Before the film we were treated to a Q and A with Tommy…and let me tell you, he is just as bat shit insane as you would have guessed. Here’s a snippet The Wife recorded with our little Kodak camera from the back row:

You can hear me asking The Wife if she thinks Tommy gets laid a lot at the 1:52 mark…what you can’t hear is her response of, “Oh yeah. Totally. He’s a pussy magnet.” I knew she had to be right, and I really wanted to ask Tommy if the rumors were true that he was a pussy magnet, but I never got the chance.

I did get to ask him about his vampire movie though! And you can hear that (at 4:16) and the entire Q and A on this superior video by DillyShinguards:

It’s 16 minutes of bizarre hilarity…

I think the best question someone asked was if Tommy would play catch with them…surprisingly(?), Tommy said yes…and while they tossed a football back and forth the lucky devil exclaimed, “You’re my best friend!” Wow…genius.

The film itself was even better on the big screen than at home on the tee vee and the crowd participation, while not as organized and consistent as the monthly LA screenings, was extremely funny and infectious. The couple sitting next to us had never seen THE ROOM and it was awesome watching them lose their shit during the film….especially at the tragic ending…as soon as Tommy pulled the trigger I leaned over to the young lady and asked, “Didn’t see that coming?” to which she practically screamed, “Oh my god, NO!”

Anyway, even though our pics came out blurry and I never got Tommy to tell us what the title of his upcoming Wiseau Films Vampire movie will be (my money’s on: THE COFFIN), we still had a great time!

I highly recommend seeing THE ROOM in a theater with a bunch of fanatics if you ever get the chance…it was a perfect night during this perfect week!

When There’s No More Room In Hell…

Sometimes I really do love Austin…

Texas Dept. of Transportation officials confirm a portable traffic sign at Lamar Boulevard and West 15th Street in Austin was hacked into last week.

Texas Dept. of Transportation officials confirm a portable traffic sign at Lamar Boulevard and West 15th Street in Austin was hacked into last week.

photo by Chris Nakashima-Brown

photo by Chris Nakashima-Brown

Read more at No Fear Of The Future, The Statesman, and even Fox News

SSSSHHHHHH….

I know things can get a little crazy-hectic here at Awesomeness, so let’s dial it down a notch today….

Now wasn’t that nice?

My Education

The DWI Stud!

That’s right, you heard me…The DWI Stud aka BULLETPROOF! He’s a lawyer. His new ad on the back page of a local Austin zine caught my eye and I thought I’d share it with you.

Can you read what it says? Here, I’ll help:

“Check out Austin’s hottest DWI TAPES from cases where people were found NOT GUILTY. There are lots of DWI LAWYERS in town, but how many TAPES do they have? Who can put it down in the courtroom, and make them take it like he wants? BULLETPROOF, THE DWI STUD That’s who…You’d be a fool not to check out this man’s body of work. Watch him perform and then, you decide who you want.”

I’ll say it again, “HE IS A LAWYER.

All I could say after seeing this ad was, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy?” I mean, there’s no mention of a website, no phone number, no nothing…just a disturbing photo of some “stud” (with a sixth grader’s head pasted over his body) doing some “lady police” doggy style in (what is possibly) Adam’s townhouse bedroom.

I’ve been hearing about this guy for years now. He’s sort of a legend around the record store. I’m not sure I’d want him as my lawyer but he has represented some of my fellow employees.

Oh, here’s a picture of him and his partner, Bruce Garrison:

Reposa and Garrison…the “best damn law dogs” in town!

Bulletproof was recently in the news…peep this AUSTIN-AMERICAN STATESMAN article.

He also has an infomercial on YouTube…but before you watch it, watch this short “making of” first:

Here’s BULLETPROOF directing his amazing infomercial!

Uh, wow?

Here’s the final product…I like to call it: “What is a lawyer?”

You know, maybe Adam is the guy to call?

SXSBloat Part 1

Thank God that’s over. Another SXSW has come and gone and I’m about 5 lbs. heavier. It never fails that The Wife and I end up gaining some weight during this week of movies, music, and label dinners. Thanks to our jobs at the record store we get treated out to eat by our wonderful friends from various record companies and on the nights we have to fend for ourselves we’re usually so beat after all the in store performances (5 a day for 3 days straight) that we eat a ton of fast food to avoid cooking and cleaning at our house.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to be some sort of name dropper….but I will tell you where we ate…and some of the cool things we did.

McCORMICK & SCHMICK’S
“…the restaurant is sophisticated and club-like, with high back chairs, paneled walls of dark wood, and high ceilings studded with art deco style light fixtures…featuring a menu that includes some twenty five varieties of fresh fish and shell fish.”Bon Appetit Magazine

Oh, yeah…The Wife went with the surf and turf and I had some tortilla crusted yellowtail…There were about 15 of us, so our server was a bit overwhelmed..especially since our host has a habit of ordering every appetizer on the damn menu. The fish was excellent and the prices were affordable…check ’em out.

SILHOUETTE (Sorry…no website)
“The Silhouette is a cozy and quaint restaurant and a perfect place, if you are looking forward to having a nice meal with your friends or family. You can have some sushi at the sushi bar or chill with a drink at their full bar. The Tea Room is the best option if you are here with some friends or someone special. This place has live jazz shows once in a while.”msnCitySearch

We love getting sushi here. The previous owner had hidden cameras in the ladies’ room years ago, but it’s not a sleazy place. It’s never crowded…which is no small feat during SXSW…and the rolls are always excellent. This was a small gathering of 5 before we went to see a movie.

What movie, you ask?

HEAVY METAL IN BAGHDAD!
Sure, this film is about heavy metal, but it’s really about so much more…check out the website for tons of info on the band, Acrassicauda, and what you can do to make a difference!

CASA MARIA
We love us some Casa Maria! This little place is 5 minutes from our house and we eat there once a week with another couple (Fun Fact Alert! We were all on TRADING SPACES together a couple of years ago). It’s super cheap Tex Mex on the Southside of town with a family friendly atmosphere.

Our fast food laziness consisted of WENDY’S and PAPA JOHN’S. I don’t think I need to describe anything about either of these two places.

During our in store performances we grazed on deli trays courtesy of WHOLE FOODS. Check out the Mediterranean Feast and the Continental Fruit and Cheese platters….mmmmm,mmmmm, good! Oh, we also had some cookies from the bakery!

Well, that’s enough for now….we have so much to do at the homestead on our 1 day off for the week. Stay tuned for part 2 of SXSBloat…

Read Part 2 right here.