Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?

Anyone?

Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

What’s The Deal With Clare’s Hair?

Hey, y’all remember that time when Valerie hung out at the beach house with Donna and creepy crossed eyed Clare to watch gymnastics and Val totally pretended to get drunk so she could spend the night in Kelly‘s room and read her journal?

And remember when Val told Clare that Kelly had written some mean things about Clare‘s hair in her journal?

I know Val only did it to get back at Kelly for getting back together with Brandonagain…but seriously, someone had to tell Clare…she’s been a fucking mess this season.

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Looks like a certain someone needs to renew her subscription to the Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide already.

And…uh, Donna honey….you gotta’ stop hanging around with Clare. She’s just bringing you down. Okay? Okay.

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D Cells?

If you’re a stranger to Awesomeness you might not know that I believe Beverly Hills 90210 is the best television show ever made.

And here is just one example why from season 7:

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Brandon’s new gal pal, Tracy Gaylian, uses a vibrator that requires D cell batteries.

Now I hate to nitpick, but the last time I checked, the Pocket Rocket uses 1 AA battery….shit, even the Big Thunder Vibrating Dildo only needs 3 AAs!

But I’m gonna’ let that small mistake in a great gag slide.

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

Buy Yourself Something Pretty

Oh man, I know I haven’t been talking about my all time most favoritest show ever in the whole wide world in like, forever, but I just couldn’t let the episode we watched last night go by without comment.

I’ll give you a quick update just so you know where we’re at!

Sixth Season…Dylan is out after the assassination of his wife (I know, crazy, right?!). Donna‘s finally rid of ol’ love ’em and push ’em down the stairs, Ray Pruit, and has hooked up with Joe, the virgin football star that has that heart problem. Brandon is dating the Andrea-ish feminazi, Susan (gag). David is dating the most awesome, Valerie Malone (seriously, she’s become one of the best reasons to watch “The After High School Years” seasons). Steve is dating Creepy Crossed-eyed Clare (who’s face is seriously starting to piss me off this season)…

No really, Clare’s face has become a bigger distraction than Donna’s cleavage for me…Do you even remember what she looks like? No? Here, I’ll jog your memory:

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Blagh! What the fuck is up with her eyes?!

Anyway…where was I? Oh, the best part! Kelly is dating the coke head artist, Colin. You know how Kelly’s all judgmental and bitchy and so not okay with cocaine because her mom was a total druggie fuck-up, right? Well, this is the season when little miss goody-goody gets all depressed over her shitty parents and goes balls to the wall…snorting up all the snow in Beverly Hills she can cram up her weird tiny nose!

But before the coke bender we have The Wife‘s most favorite scene evah! Kelly’s dad promised to move back to 90210, but he’s a flake (just like her mom) and decides to not move back because of some textiles deal or whatever. He has a flower arrangement and a card sent to Kelly as an apology for letting her down…again. Inside the card is a half ass “I’m So Sorry Note” and one check for three thousand dollars…you know, so Kelly can buy herself something pretty. Well, that totally pushes our gal over the edge…and this happens!

Buy yourself something pretty...

Buy yourself something pretty...

Like a scarf...

Like a scarf...

Or a pashmina...

Or a pashmina...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a shit-ton of more coke?  Thanks, dad.

Or a shit-ton of more coke? Thanks, dad.

Fuck yes! You know what this deserves?

The full on 5 Spaghetti Cat Rating of THE AWESOMEST!

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Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez

“What? Is she like 30?”

Hallee Hirsh

Not Quite…but great gag.

I wonder if I’ll hate her as much as her mother?

Donna Martin May Be A Virgin…

…But Sometimes She Dresses Like A Whore.

Okay 90210 Fashionista Fans, we’re back with some more Donna Martin Season 5 fashion!

If you happened to miss the first installment you can go HERE and Get Your Donna On!

Things are still moving a bit slowly on the second disc…The horrible influence of one Kelly Taylor is seriously fucking with my girl’s psyche in a major way!

I can’ tell you guys how much those goddamn baby doll dresses bother the shit out me…Right off the bat we’re subjected to this:

Donna, why are you still rocking this tired “fashion statement”? Maybe if you were more Kinderwhore…or even better, more Carroll Baker, I’d be into this look for you…but you’re just trying too hard to be like your (lame) best friend, Kelly.

Ugh! Not even the Doc Martin knockoffs are helping! Kelly, just leave Donna alone for 10 fucking minutes so she can dress herself for God’s sake!

Okaaaaaaaaay, maybe that was a bad idea. Here are those damn asymmetrical (not to mention ill-fitting) cut offs again. At least she got the top right this time. You’ll start to notice a whole lot more belly shirts in Donna’s evolving wardrobe. I know I promised some great looks for Donna….and there will be…remember, I told you it would be a gradual transformation not an overnight makeover. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know.

This one’s pretty good. Now that Donna is palling around with “regular Joe”, (and soon to be “abusive Joe”) Ray Pruit (with one T…’cause that’s all his mom could afford…har har), she’s allowing herself a little white trash inspiration. It’s hard to tell from the picture, but Donna is wearing a white mesh shirt over her belly tank like some little angel that could appear on Danzig‘s shoulder when he feels tempted to have yet another piece of red velvet cake.

Now this outfit isn’t so great, but it’s important for two reasons. One, is that it’s not a baby doll dress…and two, the hair helmet is back but now it’s been adorned with children’s barrettes! Donna is really starting to find her groove…sure, she’s hasn’t figured out how to put all the pieces together yet…but she’s close. Oh, the shirt doesn’t say BARBIE, it says BABIE in the Barbie font…clever.

Like most (creepy) guys I really like this look for our virtuous little virgin. It’s young…it’s innocent…and she finally has some damn cut offs that fit!

I wish I could tell you that it’s not Halloween in the above picture and that she’s not wearing a costume…’cause then I could tell you that this is MY ALL TIME FAVORITE OUTFIT Donna Martin has ever worn…EVER! But it is Halloween and it is a costume.

And so is this one:

Sure, you can’t really see the whole “Sexy Cat” outfit from this picture, but you can see that Donna just bitchslapped the shit out of über-douche-kind-of-boyfriend, Griffin Stone (why yes, that is Casper Van Dien)! And she did it right outside of the KEG House after Griffin insulted Ray and pretty much called Donna a cock tease…So, cracking Griff across the jaw seemed like a good idea at the time especially since Ray hasn’t thrown Donna down the fucking stairs…yet.

So that was disc 2…I hope I’m not alienating too many of my faithful readers with my Donna Martin obsession. I guess if I am, you’re not all that faithful of a reader in the first place and you’re just checking out Awesomeness for that promised extreme old man homo fisting post.

Jeez, keep your pants on…it’s coming…patience is a virtue.

Stay classy!