Final Girl Film Club Presents: LIFEFORCE

Well, well, well, look at me, participating in some sort of “big cyber caring circle“…I guess it’s better than playing a round of Ookie Cookie!

This is what’s doin’…Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl has created a film club. We all watch the same movie then post a review or whatever on our blogs or websites on the same day and link over to her site. She does the same and then we all geek out together through the tubes of the internet!

So today, let’s share our thoughts on LIFEFORCE!


I know you’re all excited about Space Vampires, and you should be, but we’re talking Tobe Hooper, not Vorvon, kids.

I haven’t watched LIFEFORCE in over a decade, so I was a little worried how it would hold up. Sure, sure, there’s a hot naked space vampire running around, but was the movie itself any good? Tobe was riding high (on the coattails of Stephen Spielberg) thanks to Poltergiest so I’m sure it wasn’t too hard to secure a three picture deal with Cannon. He somehow managed to fuck his whole career up though…but who knew COCOON was gonna’ be such a big hit and that remaking INVADERS FROM MARS was a stupid idea?

Working from a book by Colin Wilson, Dan O’ Bannon and Don Jakoby came up with a nifty script melding science fiction and horror…Honestly, I’ve never been a big fan of vampire movies (especially the whole gay vampire thing Anne Rice forced the horror community into), but the idea of naked space vampires causing a zombie-vampire epidemic across the pond was pretty damn awesome in my opinion. So, as I ramble on about LIFEFORCE you can enjoy some screenshots I took while watching the film.

Hey, my eyes are up here, pal.

Oh, real quick, if you thought you were going to see a naked space vampire here, you can turn back now. Jesus, you’re all the same…just Google “Lifeforce” or “Mathilda May” and you’ll see all the boobs you want, perv. Sheesh

EEEEWWWWW……1,000s of dead man-bats in the creepy space-vagina.

The cast was pretty strong..we have Steve Railsback….man, what a cool name…Railsback….Railsback…..Railsback…you know, I think that’s going to be my new mantra from now on…anyway, Steve Railsback (Helter Skelter) gives the sweatiest performance this side of Harry Dean Stanton as the tortured hero…Peter Firth (Equus) is the cool as ice, but tough as nails SAS man…Frank Finlay (Count Dracula 1977) is the silver haired doctor looking for life after death…and Patrick Stewart (Excalibur) is the unlucky host for Space Girl, Mathilda May (uh….Lifeforce). Pretty solid, huh? They all do a fine job sweating, shouting, shooting, and well…walking around naked (sorry, nerd-ladies, Mr. Stewart keeps his clothes on) and playing the whole thing super straight.

This is it, kids….that’s the closest you’ll come to seeing space boobs.

The Fx were pleasing to my 35 year old eyes…very old school 80s stuff…Swirling lights, zombie makeup, a head shot, bullet wounds, exploding cars, full body burns, a severed arm (that’s still alive!), cool space floating around zero-g action, and a monstrous man-bat. You know, I can’t tell you how sick I am of all the damn CGI George Lucas and his little toadies have shoved down our throats for the past decade! Way to improve films, guys. What happened to you, Hollywood? Huh? What happened?! For shame, putting all those puppets and midgets out of work…for shame! Lucky for us, Lucas defector, John Dykstra and his team whipped up some computer effects and weren’t afraid to use puppets or real explosions (sorry, no midgets)!

Moisten lips, Angle your head, Close your eyes, Go slow…

I remembered the first half of the film pretty well, but once the Space Girl started jumping into other bodies and then Patrick Stewart showed up, well, it was like watching a whole new movie. Maybe I changed the channel once the nudity slowed down thirteen years ago or got forced into watching Cocoon with my mom, but whatever the reason, I’m glad I watched the whole film this time.

Puppets! I demand more puppets!

There were all sorts of cool ideas in this flick…the giant organic space vampire ship, the “geometric chain reaction” of space vampirism spreading through London, keeping Mathilda naked for 95% of the movie, the old timey sword that comes out of nowhere…did I mention the puppets? Tobe did a fine job directing and I was totally engrossed the entire time. I think LIFEFORCE gets some sort of bad rap, but it was waaaaay better than the snooze-fest that was the first STAR TREK movie and DRACULA 2000 put together. I say give it a chance if you haven’t seen it…but don’t just take my word for it, hop on over to FINAL GIRL and see what everyone else has to say!

Reports of my assimilation have been greatly exaggerated….BLAUGH!

Anyway, this was a fun little experiment…all of us getting together and watching the same movie. I really can’t wait to see what everyone else has written so I can hone my skills for the next Film Club Stacie bestows upon us.

One last image…..

Uh, this just gets a simple, “FUCK YEAH!”

UPDATE, Y’ALL!!! 6/24/2008

Things I learned reading 22 reviews (so far) of LIFEFORCE:

1) A whole bunch of us used the same if not similar screenshots…which is kinda’ cool in a weird uni-mind kinda’ way.

2) Some people don’t dig on Railsback….Railsback…Railsback….I think they’re nuts.

3) This movie was way gayer than I even imagined (gay in a good way)…and I imagine stuff to be pretty damn gay most of the time.

4) There was a naked space girl/vampire in the movie.

5) Tobe Hooper most definitely did not direct Poltergeist.

6) There was some dude from Dr. Who in it….the people who pointed this fact out are indeed Super Nerds!

7) One review was in French…I don’t read French, but I bet it was similar to the rest of the reviews…except Frenchy-er.


People Are Strange

Here’s a Canacorn fun fact: I dig Adrienne Barbeau.

She’s been in a whole bunch of movies I like…and well, she seems like a nice lady.

But this guy really has a thing for her! He has put together 8 different videos like this:

WTF, right? He loops scenes of her bouncing, heaving cleavage…pausing, zooming, rewinding…Christ, it’s like I’m watching his brain work while he’s masturbating!

But the real weird thing is the music he picks to accompany her bodacious boobs…

It’s weird right? Or is it just me? I guess I did watch all the videos…even the ones from MAUDE. That’s right, Maude.

Things I Decided Today…

Link is NSFW!

CHASEY LAIN’S boobs are a hot tranny mess.

Wha’ happened? Seriously, I’ve seen better tits on a tranny.

Gorillanauts….ARE GO!

Hey kids, do you even know who Joi Lansing is?


Watch this:

Do any of the following references in this review of I KNOW WHO KILLED ME make any sense to you?

“The whole plot reminded me of something DePalma might’ve tried back in the eighties or even during his inexplicable RAISING CAIN. I suppose the twin gimmick was meant to have a big shocking twist feel but you never really buy into it. LL never does anything shocking or sexy, not enough to even get the “I just wanna see her naked” crowd. There’s something approaching a giallo feel in the killer’s house where LL comes across a creepy cellar of hanging prosthetic limbs but Sivertson doesn’t have the chops to make it special. It really needed to be weirder, maybe in the style of an early seventies giallo, where the ludicrous plot gimmick would just be something you rolled with because the visuals and music were so trippy and cool. But Sivertson is no Argento. It’s also not “bad” enough like a SHOWGIRLS to interest the camp crowd. Personally, I would’ve like to see a deranged chimp in there somewhere. It’s not really LL’s fault, she does what she can I suppose. It’s just not enough of anything. Just go watch DRESSED TO KILL instead. At least it has Michael Caine in drag.”
-Bwana Beast

No…but you’re curious?

Then check out my new favorite movie / entertainment website: Gorillanaut!

Home of the Important Space Gorilla,

Pondering the “tit flash.”

Yesterday, The Wife and I heard a commercial for some bar on 6th Street on the radio…it was all, “BABES, BOURBON, AND BEADS! COME ON DOWN TO THE DIZZY GRIZZLY (not real name of bar) AND GET FUCKED UP WITH YOUR TITS OUT IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF DATE-RAPEY FRAT GUYS! OOOHHH YEAH!”

Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit…but it did get me thinking about the art of tit flashing. Being a man, I can only appreciate the sudden, unexpected appearance of a bared breast in public. I have no idea what it must be like to feel the adrenaline rush of smashing down the walls of this patriarchal society by simply unleashing one’s breasts in a crowded place. Sometimes, just a nipple and areola quickly slipped out the side of a woman’s collar is enough to make them feel like Maverick heading down that highway to the danger zone…or so I can imagine.

Now I’m not talking about stripping, Mardi Gras, or some Girls Gone Wild breast bearing…something just doesn’t seem equal there. There’s some sort of payment involved: money, beads, finally getting back at your father…no, the best breast exposure is the spontaneous, excitement fueled kind. Something like only a Van Halen concert or a Blue Angels air show could induce in a woman. The overwhelming desire to “show the whole goddamned world my tits“, no matter what size, shape, or color! It’s not all, “Look at me, look at me”…It’s bigger than that. It’s a real Ben Franklin kind of move…it’s a call to action, a declaration of freedom, a statement of power!

That being said, I think there are some dangers involved in tit flashing a woman must take into consideration: Men. Now don’t get all defensive guys…we all know there’s at least 1 out of 5 guys in a crowd who’s gonna’ piss all over a woman’s tit flash by doing the unspeakable…..the unsolicited tit grab!


Seriously, can you Cromags just keep your filthy paws away for the 10 to 15 seconds it takes a woman to physically express and expose her Pointer Sisters? A woman’s bare breasts are not public Paw Patties for you to sully up on a Saturday night. That’s why every Electra Woman needs a Dyna Girl…a female sidekick to help keep the animals at bay. You might think having a man around to run interference during your liberating expression of toplessness is a good idea, but that usually leads to fighting or worse…the inhibition factor. Sure, men have strong shoulders that you can sit on while celebrating your freedom, but usually a boyfriend or husband (or even a brother) is more of an outer impediment to free activity, expression, or functioning of tit flashing. Ladies, travel in pairs or in packs with other ladies, because, only another woman can fully understand why you need to take your tits out (ever so briefly) and how to keep meddlesome grabby guys away from your Betty Boops with a minimum of fisticuffs.

One last thing…Men, looking is okay…in fact, that’s exactly what you are supposed to do. Remember what you parents used to say, “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.” These women are caught up in a dissociative fugue of sorts…do not break their concentration by reaching out for them. Cheering, hooting, and clapping are a definite must…it’s your way of being the woman’s Iceman, a good natured rival that pushes her to exceed her abilities as a regular gal and to achieve the courage and confidence only possessed by the inner-Maverick hidden beneath her shirt.

There you go…whether you agree or disagree is fine with me…but if you are a man or a woman who has never felt the urge to bear her God given Bra Buddies in an act of feminist expression, you might want to wait to cast that stone. Who knows, one night at a Skynyrd concert or during the Superbowl, maybe, just maybe, the spirit of Ben Franklin, Betsy Ross, or even Kenny Loggins will make you do the most liberating thing you have ever done….The Tit Flash.