I’m Not Mad…

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Hey boners, remember a couple weeks ago when I was all,

“OMFG! You guys totally need to watch TIPTOES! Seriously, it’s going to be soooo fucking awesome!”

Weeeeell, I take it back.

Ya’ll really don’t. Not the whole movie. Just stick to the trailer that’s making its way around the blogs and save yourselves 90 minutes of the “Up With Midgets!” message that TIPTOES has to offer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against little people, but TIPTOES is no UNDER THE RAINBOW! Heh…UNDER THE RAINBOWwhy isn’t that on dvd yet?!

Anyway, my friend Dave over at SMELLS LIKE SCREEN SPIRIT hit the nail on the head when he said he felt that TIPTOES was just disappointing. The plot, the direction, Gary Oldman‘s “role of a lifetime“…all of it…just plain disappointing.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Wasted talent.

Wasted talent.

I mean, the filmmakers had so many opportunities to make this one a winner…at one point, Kate Beckinsale says to Matthew McConaughey, “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!”

Me too! Come on! Seriously, why the fuck didn’t Matthew Bright throw that scene in there?!

Oh, and you have Bridget The Midget in your fucking movie!

Hellooooo…She’s an American erotic film actress with dwarfism for Christ’s sake!

I know it’s too much to ask for Matthew and Gary to Eiffel Tower* her, but at least show some naked midget flesh!

Look, in my humble opinion, if you have a little person that doesn’t mind parading her tiny assets around on film, take full advantage of that!

What’s so difficult about this?

Okay, I’ve said my piece…so, in closing:

Watch the trailer to TIPTOES, not the movie.

*Oh, in case you’re wondering…this is The Eiffel Tower:

Fuck yeah, Bro!

Fuck yeah, Bro!

Fetish Fridays! Let’s Get Small Edition (NSFW)

When you're crotch-height, it's hard to make a good impression. -Anthony Daniels

When you're crotch-height, it's hard to make a good impression. -Anthony Daniels

I remember a time before The Roloffs were on the tee-vee when little people were called midgets or dwarfs and instead of doing boring everyday type stuff like shopping or playing soccer they did cool midget stuff like wrestling and being Jawas and Ewoks.

But that’s neither here nor there…’cause it’s Friday and we all know what you expect from Awesomeness on Fridays…An educated and unbiased exploration into the powerful and persistent sexual interest other than in copulatory or precopulatory behavior with phenotypically normal, consenting adult human partners.

Heh, who the fuck am I kidding? I know you came for one thing and one thing only…PORN!

And if you were picking up what I was dropping down, then you’ve already figured out that we’re talking midget porn today!

Now, now, don’t be scared…they’re just like you and me, you know…just little-er. Hell, even Sarah Silverman got in on this whole midget fucking thing when she split with Jimmy Kimmel and then ended up banging Vern Troyer on video last year. So relax…if it’s good enough for Sarah to make a sex tape with Mini-Me, it’s gotta be good enough for you.

Alrighty then, let’s get this party started! First up, how about the not so subtlety named site, Midget Porn! Have I ever told you guys how much I appreciate the simple and sincere naming of these porn sites? Anyway, here’s what they promise:

“Welcome to the Midget Porn, the biggest sex place where the shortest peoples are expressing their sexual appetence. This site is dedicated to people who like to watch little man and woman pleasuring them self’s in big hardcore and softcore explicit action. Those people know only for the best satisfaction because of the fact that their thirst is much stronger then in the ordinary man….Hear their loudly screaming’s while midget asses and pussies are being raw fucked and watch male midget moaning when it’s dick start penetrating some slutty shaved pink pussy lips!”

Goddamn, I really want to meet the people that write this stuff!

Little man, big hardcore

Little man, big hardcore

Wow…but do they deliver?

Sure they do….by delivering a bunch of links to Midget Cum (It’s the site Where Girls Swallow Midget Cum apparently)…and Bang A Midget (Where Horny midget babes love to suck big cock obviously)…

Which is cool I guess…but something is missing. I just can’t put my normal sized finger on it…

I mean, there’s Bridget The Midget clips and then there’s this chick with “I HEART MIDGETS” written on her forehead eating jizz with a spoon…

Dear God, did I just type that and put a link in there for a video? What’s wrong with me?

Don’t you judge me! You clicked on it too! I didn’t force you into that…damn…go easy on Mr. Canacorn, kids. I’m just here to help.

Where was I? Oh, something was missing…but what was it? There were regular sized women having sex with little dudes and there were tiny ladies having sex with normal sized guys…shit, there was even that racist midget getting fucked by that black dude!

What more do I expect from a midget porn site?

Oh, I don’t know….

How about……

The world’s smallest and wildest T-Girl!

I love you, internet.

I love you, internet.

Is that too much to ask? I think not. God bless you, Ruby Rod.

My work is done for today…see you next week.