Two For Tuesdays

And you were expecting something awesome?

Oh crap, what day is it?

Tuesday?!

Wow, way to disappoint Canacorn…a whole week since your last post?

Heh.

Um..about that…I’m just lazy I guess.

So with that being said, I might as well keep this blog-train a rollin’ straight past disappointment and into complete and total failure…

Who’s hungry for some TACO*!?!?

Anyone?

Okay, okay…I get it, you’re worried I’m gonna’ hit you up with Puttin’ On The Ritz? Believe me, I was tempted, but you should have a little more faith in your ol’ buddy.

Let’s kick things off with, Under My Tight Skin!

Oh Taco, you ARE awesome!

What else you got for us today?

How about, Tell Me That You Like It (I’d like to dedicate the top and hairdo worn by the announcer at the beginning of this video to my pal, Yum-Yum, and the fabulous dancers to my Auntie John!)

Man, these live performances are truly works of art! I love how the post-Ritz-Taco is this bizarre combination of Wayne Newton and Perez Hilton!

I just have to play one more video…if only to thoroughly disgust Bwana and completely piss off Myrtle:

Last stop: Heart Break City

There’s your daily awesome for today….thank me later….

Canacorn out!

*No, One Night In Bangkok is not a Taco song…That’s

When The Going Gets Rough…

…It’s only the size of your heart that counts.

2003…The year that brought you THE ROOM also gives you…

TIP TOES

I’ll have you all know that as soon as Bwana sent me this trailer I immediately put it at the top of my Netflix queue…I strongly advise that you all do the same.

Blue Drank

So, yesterday I was working on an upcoming post for THE ROOM Week (I know, I know, it’s not until May and you’re already sick of me talking about it) and I was getting all crazy Virgo about some minor details that I couldn’t figure out…so I turned to Bwana for some help.

I shot him a quick email since I was sure he must be some sort of expert on the details in question…I eventually figured it out on my own (with some help from The Wife) and emailed Bwana again to share the good news.

When he emailed me back he expressed his approval and admiration of my findings and then he hit me up with a (non THE ROOM) question of his own for me!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

Yum, it's produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands!

Hey, what do you think that blue stuff that Aunt Beru gave to Luke to drink when he was whining about going to get the power converters was?

Hmmmmm…an interesting question…I was pretty sure Bwana was in no way making fun of me or “busting my balls” as the (Italian) kids say…so I hit the internets to find out just what in the Hell was in that future flask!

A few key strokes later and I ended up on Wookieepedia! And sure as shit there was an entry for Blue Milk!

It says: “Blue milk, sometimes known as Bantha milk[1] was a blue-colored liquid produced by a female bantha’s mammary glands. It could be found on most planets across the galaxy. The milk was well known for being very rich and refreshing, its opaque coloring suggesting that it was also sweet. The milk was also used to make a variety of yogurt, ice cream, and cheese.

There’s even a commercial for it:

So, there you go, Bwana! If you (or any of you other Awesomeness readers) think of any other burning questions I can answer for ya’ just let me know at mrcanacorn@gmail.com or hit me up in the comments section!

THE ROOM Week: Serendipity, Baby!

roomwk First up, just a friendly reminder that THE ROOM Week is only days away!

That’s right, boners, a whole week of THE ROOM related goodness right here on Awesomeness!

From May 4th to the 10th (that’s a Monday through a Sunday) I’ll be assaulting your brain pans with my musings on Tommy Wiseau‘s cinematic masterpiece!

Oh and remember, If you feel like posting anything at all about THE ROOM and/or Tommy Wiseau any time between the 4th and 10th of May just hit me up with an email at (mrcanacorn@gmail.com) and a link to your blog or website and I’ll throw you in the mix!

Hi doggie.

Hi doggie.

And secondly, on Wednesday, May 06, 2009 Tommy Wiseau is screening THE ROOM right here in Austin!

At my favorite movie theater, The ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE!

No fucking way, right?!

Right smack dab in the middle of THE ROOM Week!

Obviously, The Wife and I already purchased our tickets (Thanks for the heads up, Bwana!)

Here’s their write up:

Austin’s premiere venue for alternative comedy, ColdTowne Theater, presents this once-in-a-lifetime cinematic event- an evening with Writer/Director/Actor Tommy Wiseau inside THE ROOM!

Love is blind.

Love is blind.

If you’re one of the select few who’ve had the good fortune to see THE ROOM, your mind is already blown and you are quite possibly unable to read written language. But if you haven’t, you may be wondering how a humble independent feature — albeit one shot simultaneously with both 35mm and high-def digital cameras because the director wanted to compare the two formats — could have so quickly become a cult sensation on par with THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

Scotchka!

Scotchka!

Let’s just say that no matter how much you think you know about what a movie is, THE ROOM will prove you wrong. Wiseau says that he intentionally shot this movie as a “black comedy” and we say, “Sure, what the hell.” We’re just happy he made it, and we’re ecstatic that he’s personally coming down to Austin to share it with us. People will be talking about this for years, guaranteed, so don’t miss it. We would quote the film, but the most repeated line in the whole movie is “Don’t worry about it,” and we want you to worry about it.

I can’t fucking wait!

“Let Me Put You Out Of My Misery.”

So, I watched Punisher: War Zone…I thought the acting was horrible, the story was lame, and there wasn’t enough of this:

vlcsnap-22331

vlcsnap-35828

vlcsnap-47265

vlcsnap-48322

vlcsnap-55434

vlcsnap-56910

Ray Stevenson was good, though…and he looks like Bwana…which was kind of weird.

Fetish Fridays! DIY And NSFW

Let’s get organized!

Let’s get organized!

Are you tired of paying too much money for overly complicated adult toys?

Do you find yourself frustrated with all those tangled wires and dangerous outlets that come with electrically powered marital aids?

Are you confused by outdated and convoluted laws prohibiting or regulating obscene devices in your home town?

Worry no more!

HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has all the do it yourself instructions for the horny READYMADE man and woman who enjoy creating unique items to have at home…crafted from everyday materials, including household items!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to buy a pocket pussy but just couldn’t muster up the courage to go into the local sex shop and plunk down my hard earned cash!

Well, thanks to HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, all I have to do is hit up the grocery store for some innocuous sundries, gather up a couple of things I have laying around Casa Canacorn and follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.

Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.

Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery fake pussy
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.

Wow! Pretty neat, right?! They have a ton more how tos over at HOMEMADE SEX TOYS like fuckable bean bag chairs, totally awesome lightsaber didlos and wack-a-doodle giant foam finger vibrators for you sports nuts!

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

Now, I know some of you guys and gals are so busy you don’t even have time to read the TV Guide, never mind fussing about with X-acto knives, duct tape, and toilet paper rolls.

Never fear, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has got your back! They’ll help you see with new eyes…

Just look around your house…there are a bunch of things you can stick your dick into, massage your clit with, or cram into your greedy asshole!

How about your TOOTHBRUSH?!

Hey now, why not use your CELL PHONE?!

Now why didn’t you think of that before? So simple and so genius….

I do believe we owe HOMEMADE SEX TOYS a big ol’, “Thank you,” don’t you?

Alright, I gotta’ get going, but one more picture and link before I beat feet.

This one is for all you Foodies that drop by Awesomeness every Friday…

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH, fruit and veggie vibrators!

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

They’re Nutritiously Orgasmic!

Thank you, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, you rule!
(And a thanks to Bwana for turning me on to HST, you rule too!)

Premio Dardo…Major Award Or Cyber Herpes?

majorprizetelegram

Would you look at that? Looks like me, Mr. Canacorn, is the proud recipient of a Premio Dardo Award! That’s right, my favorite Unkle and Auntie over at Kindertrauma were kind enough to bestow the prestigious P to the D to me (and 4 other awesome bloggers) a few days ago.

Wow…that’s just great…I’m flattered…now…um…what the fuck is it?

dardo-1 Basically, it’s a form of cyber herpe (not to be confused with a space herpe) that us promiscuous bloggers seem to catch by romping all over the damn internet rubbing our cyber junk on every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a blog of their own.

Actually, there’s a better description of The Dart Award over at K-Squared Ramblings if you prefer a little more research and less sarcasm with your explanations….but I’m fond of the whole herpes thing.

Honestly, I am really flattered that the Kindertrauma boys picked me…I mean, if I’m going to catch some sort of cyber herpes from the internet, I can’t think of a nicer couple of guys to get it from.

So, I guess I should make with some viral shedding and recognize 5 other “unique voices and visions on the Web” and “promote fraternization amongst bloggers of all sorts” already.

A-hemAs Mayor of the Altered State of Druggachusetts, I declare these blogs to be…AWESOME!

NUMBER 1: THE NAKED JUNGLE

Make your house a home with the Paul Snider Sex Bench!

Make your house a home with the Paul Snider Sex Bench!


It’s the “Official blog” of Gorillanaut.com, so not only do you get links to movie reviews, but you also get posts about invisible raping gorillas, monsters, and Zebedy Colt!

…um, full disclosure here…I’m friends with Bwana and occasionally write a review or two for G’Naut, but that doesn’t mean I love his blog any more than the next four on this here list…

NUMBER 2: CHRIS’S INVINCIBLE SUPER-BLOG

This really captures the whole spirit of this award, don't cha' think?

This really captures the whole spirit of this award, don't cha' think?


Oh, The ISB…I can’t say enough good things about Chris’s blog…he’s been accused of hilarity, sarcasm, and straight up mockery of comic books and the comic industry, but it’s his unflinching and undying love of the medium that keeps me coming back on a daily basis. Listen up nerds, if you want more Silver Age references than you can shake a Super-Science Stick at, The ISB is the blog for you! Curious about what to buy at ye olde comic shoppe? The ISB has got you covered with The Week In Ink…you get the best reviews of the latest releases and it always comes with a guaranteed kick in the face!

NUMBER 3: LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE

You'll find a god in every golden cloister And if you're lucky then the god's a she

You'll find a god in every golden cloister And if you're lucky then the god's a she

A gay friend once told me that White guys that are only into Asian chicks are at the last stop on the train to Gay Town…and I couldn’t agree more. But what does that have to do with the Tenebrous One’s blog? Um…uh…they both involve trains? Okay, nothing, but I’ve always wanted to get that out on my blog…anyway…back to The Love Train

Just who runs this creepy little corner of the internet? Why it’s your tenebrous hostess, Tenebrous Kate! She’s a Libra that’s into Eurotrash movies, long walks through creepy castles, and she’s got a thing for nuns….She’s a member of The League of Tana Tea Drinkers
and she met a real live Krampus this year! Wow.

Number 4: HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE

Likes taupe

Likes taupe

Okay, okay, I know I’ve been sucking the teet of this blog for weeks now, but I just love it so damn much! Yum-Yum‘s taste in everything from movies to music just warms my cold little heart…and thanks to this site I’ve been turned on to Dallas firecracker and Casa Canacorn official Goddess, Mary Cherry! For that alone, I am eternally at Yum-Yum‘s service.

SSSSHHH…Don’t tell The Wife (or Auntie John), but I think I’m totally cyber crushing on Yum-Yum.

Number 5: ZOMBIE VS SHARK

You know, sometimes with my busy schedule, I don’t have time to read the T.V. Guide…never mind some blog that’s all, “Blah, blah, blah, fucking blah,” all the live long day. Well that’s why someone with a bigger brain than mine made Tumblr.

Blogs on Tumblr are fun and easy, breezy, beautiful, like some sort of cover girl or whatever. And the Christie Brinkley of Tumblr blogs that I visit just happens to belong to Justin.

This young man has a taste for the finer things in life, like, “photography, zombies, Star Wars, rock n’ roll, cupcakes, Godzilla, ninjas, boobs, and explosions.” I can totally get on board with all of the above. Well done, sir…well done.

Whew…and that’s probably the most link heavy post I ever done did. If you have some free time this week, check out these five awesome bloggers for a walk on the wild side…’cause all the colored girls go, “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
.”