Good Time Gone Bad

star Wai, Grashoppers!

When I heard that Master David was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok, I resisted the urge to post a quickie memorial here at Awesomeness.

The details were just coming out and the early reports suggested suicide…the Thai police hadn’t released the info about the whole rope tied around his neck and genitals yet, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Master David was a victim of a good time gone bad right from the jump.

As more info comes out of Bangkok it seems like I’m probably right….but hey, who knows, maybe it was murder? Foul play is still a bitter pill to swallow when it comes to losing a family member or a friend, but it sure is a whole lot less awkward and embarrassing than some private sex act gone wrong.

Because once you’re the “died jerking off guy“, that’s pretty much all everybody remembers about you and your name ends up tacked onto a Wikipedia page under “Erotic asphyxiation: Accidental death, famous cases“. And who the fuck wants that?

The Wife was totally bummed Master David (maybe) died in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident…she really felt that he should have “gone out in a blaze of glory“…like in a knife fight with a couple of Thai ladyboys or something just as awesome…

Well, I’ve been keeping my eye on a reputable news source, and they’ve been saying Master David was murdered…by a couple of Thai ladyboys! WTF!?!!

Check it:

GL25Carradine June 9, 2009 David Carradine Killing

“KUNG FU legend David Carradine was murdered! That’s the shocking conclusion of experts who believe evidence found in the actor’s Thailand hotel room – and autopsy secrets – point to the cover-up of a chilling crime. This week GLOBE unravels the mystery the entire world is talking about.”

GL26carradine June 17, 2009 Revealed! Who Killed Carradine

“DAVID Carradine was strangled in his Bangkok hotel room by TWO drag queens! That’s the chilling conclusion of the Kung Fu star’s movie producer, who is ripping the lid off a bizarre murder cover-up plot. It’s all in our blockbuster Special Report about the tragedy that’s shocked the world.”

Damn, Master David, way to keep real! I can only hope to get myself into such awesome shenanigans when I’m in my 70s….seriously, fighting a couple of transsexual kung fu assassins to the death in a fancy hotel in Bangkok is a damn fine way to go!

Having those tranny bitches make it look like an autoerotic fatality is fucking cold blooded…but I’d expect nothing less from a secret sect of Shaolin shemales from the martial-arts underworld!

Bitches, man…bitches!

You can bet I’ll be following this story until the FBI catch those deadly kathoey-saloeys and clear Master David’s name! So, as they say in Thailand, sawatdee! Which pretty much means, Canacorn out! (Why the fuck doesn’t Ryan say that anymore…it has such a douchey charm to it…)

When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWW SHIT! It’s David Carradine, y’all, and he’s teaching this Grasshopper some Chi Kung and Tai Chi energy workouts!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Canacorn, you hate exercise! Why did you go and waste a bunch of money on a Tai Chi workout dvd?

First off, you can call me Grasshopper, it’s what Master David would want. And second, I didn’t buy the dvd. I rented it from Netflix. You see, The Wife is a genius and she told me that renting exercise videos from Netflix is a great way to try them out and see if they’re worth your time and money. Smart huh? I think she read that in a magazine or something….she’s read a whole magazine cover to cover before!

I told you she was a genius.

Now you must be wondering, “Why Tai Chi, Cana- uh, Grasshopper?

Good question. My buddy Swede just recently started a beginners Tai Chi workout regiment and purchased the complete Kung Fu television series, so needless to say, Tai Chi and Master David have been on my mind lately. If you know me, then you know I’m incredibly high strung and stressy…and I’m plagued with all sorts of back problems. So it just makes sense to get my chi back into whack and strengthen my back and leg cores all at the same time. And who can I trust on my journey to a fitter body and mind? David fucking Carradine, thats who! Just look at him. The hair…the rings…the electric yellow silk pajamas…he is a living God! And have you heard his voice? It’s soothing and commanding…When Master David tells me, “Don’t forget to breathe,” I listen and remember. But Master David isn’t alone. He’s brought friends.

There’s Kinda’ Attractive Girl, Black Guy, Master Arnold, and Old Lady. They really help me stay focused and keep a positive attitude about the whole thing. You know when you’re learning something new and you get all confused and frustrated and want to quit, but then you’re like, “Wait a minute, if that old lady and kinda’ attractive girl and that dude who looks like Eriq La Salle can do it, so can I!

So far I’ve only done the first few exercises, so I’m not totally rocking the smooth “energy skills” to harmonize my insides and focus my mentals…but I’m really excited about finally finding inner peace, harmony, strength and health…or whatever.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the music! It’s all whooshy and flutey….I hate to admit it, but I like it. It’s not like I’m gonna’ be rockin’ some Dokken while trying to get my chi correct, know what I mean?

I know this all sounds a little fruity, but don’t worry, you don’t feel like an asshole getting your Tai Chi on….not when you’re looking at this:


“Grasshopper, when I’m done with you, you too will have the strength to face Quetzalcoatl!”