When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWW SHIT! It’s David Carradine, y’all, and he’s teaching this Grasshopper some Chi Kung and Tai Chi energy workouts!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Canacorn, you hate exercise! Why did you go and waste a bunch of money on a Tai Chi workout dvd?

First off, you can call me Grasshopper, it’s what Master David would want. And second, I didn’t buy the dvd. I rented it from Netflix. You see, The Wife is a genius and she told me that renting exercise videos from Netflix is a great way to try them out and see if they’re worth your time and money. Smart huh? I think she read that in a magazine or something….she’s read a whole magazine cover to cover before!

I told you she was a genius.

Now you must be wondering, “Why Tai Chi, Cana- uh, Grasshopper?

Good question. My buddy Swede just recently started a beginners Tai Chi workout regiment and purchased the complete Kung Fu television series, so needless to say, Tai Chi and Master David have been on my mind lately. If you know me, then you know I’m incredibly high strung and stressy…and I’m plagued with all sorts of back problems. So it just makes sense to get my chi back into whack and strengthen my back and leg cores all at the same time. And who can I trust on my journey to a fitter body and mind? David fucking Carradine, thats who! Just look at him. The hair…the rings…the electric yellow silk pajamas…he is a living God! And have you heard his voice? It’s soothing and commanding…When Master David tells me, “Don’t forget to breathe,” I listen and remember. But Master David isn’t alone. He’s brought friends.

There’s Kinda’ Attractive Girl, Black Guy, Master Arnold, and Old Lady. They really help me stay focused and keep a positive attitude about the whole thing. You know when you’re learning something new and you get all confused and frustrated and want to quit, but then you’re like, “Wait a minute, if that old lady and kinda’ attractive girl and that dude who looks like Eriq La Salle can do it, so can I!

So far I’ve only done the first few exercises, so I’m not totally rocking the smooth “energy skills” to harmonize my insides and focus my mentals…but I’m really excited about finally finding inner peace, harmony, strength and health…or whatever.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the music! It’s all whooshy and flutey….I hate to admit it, but I like it. It’s not like I’m gonna’ be rockin’ some Dokken while trying to get my chi correct, know what I mean?

I know this all sounds a little fruity, but don’t worry, you don’t feel like an asshole getting your Tai Chi on….not when you’re looking at this:

“Grasshopper, when I’m done with you, you too will have the strength to face Quetzalcoatl!”

Why do they buy so many damn vowels?

Christ on a bike, was it hard to get my ass on the elliptical this evening! I hemmed and hawed for hours…just dicking around on the interweb: watching that creepy Tom Cruise Scientology video on Defamer, looking up info on David Miscavige, watching old Sesame Street videos on YouTube (oh, Roosevelt Franklin, you crack me up), and adding some new friends to my blogroll. You know, doing anything but exercising.

By the time I pumped myself up into hitting the gym (the garage) it was 6:30pm. Hmmmm, what to watch on the “garage teevee”? Oh snap, Wheel Of Fortune is on! I haven’t watched that show in a ‘coon’s age…What a great way to kill thirty minutes!

Ready for my thoughts while working out?
-Vanna’s looking pretty good…not too many close ups nowadays…what’s the deal with that Chico’s dress?
-Is Pat a dick…he seems kind of nice…I bet he’s a total dick off camera.
-Ha, Ed Grimley…”I must say.” Heh…
-I can almost see down that chick’s blouse when she spins that wheel.
-Kind of food….kind of food…s pp y and s m k rs on ole heat read….what the fuck?
-Why do they buy so many damn vowels?
-Skippy and smuckers on whole wheat bread!
-Oh, bankrupt.
-What the fuck is she going to do in Arizona with her brother?
-Oh, bankrupt again!
-Why are you wasting all your money on vowels?!
-So close…what if she wasn’t wearing a bra?
-You’re practically giving the other players the advantage! Just spin again and solve it already! Another fucking vowel!?

You get the gist. I was screaming about vowels for 25 minutes in my garage today…my neighbors must think I’m insane. Luckily, The Wife is in Dallas, so she didn’t hear me get all spazzy about vowel purchasing.

Oh shiz, speaking of the love of my life, I gotta’ pick her up at the airport!

Here’s a video before I go:

Later, skaters!