When The Going Gets Rough…

…It’s only the size of your heart that counts.

2003…The year that brought you THE ROOM also gives you…

TIP TOES

I’ll have you all know that as soon as Bwana sent me this trailer I immediately put it at the top of my Netflix queue…I strongly advise that you all do the same.

The Demon And The Dr.

Ebert: Zero stars and no thumbs up

Ebert: Zero stars and no thumbs up

Hey kids! What’s shakin’?

Not much new here…oh, wait…I did just watch this movie called CHAOS.

I liked it enough…well, more than Roger Ebert did, that’s for sure!

Ever hear of it?

No?

No worries….hop on over to Gorillanaut and read my review!

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was one of the special features on the CHAOS DVD! It’s called INSIDE THE CORONER’S OFFICE (A TOUR OF THE L.A. CORONER’S CRYPT)!

It has to be seen to be believed.

Don’t feel like renting it?

Okay fine, I’ll give you a quick rundown! God, I have to do everything for you guys!

Welcome to sunny California!

So uh, we can really film in here?

So uh, we can really film in here?

Let’s go in!

No shirt, no shoes, no dice...awww, fuck it.

No shirt, no shoes, no dice...awww, fuck it.

So now we get about 17 minutes of a greased up, shirtless Dave “The Demon” DeFalco (the writer/director of CHAOS) flexing and ranting (wrestler style) about how brutal the world (and his movie) is and how much Roger Ebert sucks…in front of real dead bodies (wrapped in plastic)!

Homicides, suicides...and uh, all the other ides!

Homicides, suicides...and uh, all the other ides!

Dude, I get it…you’re a wrestler…but isn’t there some kind of law or health code thing that says shirts are required in the fucking county coroner’s office?

TOTAL BRUTAL!

TOTAL BRUTAL!

Even better than Dave’s awesome display of power is the awkward and creepy tour of the coroner’s office by forensic technician Michael A. Cormier.

NOT an actor.

NOT an actor.

This dude is even weirder than DeFalco…he’s kind of a mix between Dr. Lawrence Jacoby and Dr. Matthew “Frankenstein” Logan. He walks us through the various crypts pointing out all sorts of stuff, like dead babies (wrapped in plastic) and dead fat people (wrapped in plastic)!

That's six hundred pounds of autopsy, baby!

That's six hundred pounds of autopsy, baby!

He even shows off his “tools of the trade”…including a long handle, curved head branch trimmer and a dry erase marker!

And this gets rid of the ribcage!

And this gets rid of the ribcage!

Scalpel, check! Marker, check!

Scalpel, check! Marker, check!

The best part is when DeFalco and Cormier meet up at the end and discuss their next project! A film more brutal than CHAOS…

Let's call it a theory for now...

Let's call it a theory for now...

It’s called THE DEVIL’S DOORWAY and it’s all about their “theory” of how true evil manifests in human beings…through methamphetamines! You see, the meth opens up a doorway to another dimension allowing demons to possess these meth-heads and then these possessed speed freaks commit brutal crimes!

I am not making this up….and I seriously want to see that film…it sound more awesome than awesome!

You are looking at the future of horror, or whatever.

You are looking at the future of horror, or whatever.

So that’s about it….oh, and I totally lost count of how many times DeFalco said the word brutal.

Premio Dardo…Major Award Or Cyber Herpes?

majorprizetelegram

Would you look at that? Looks like me, Mr. Canacorn, is the proud recipient of a Premio Dardo Award! That’s right, my favorite Unkle and Auntie over at Kindertrauma were kind enough to bestow the prestigious P to the D to me (and 4 other awesome bloggers) a few days ago.

Wow…that’s just great…I’m flattered…now…um…what the fuck is it?

dardo-1 Basically, it’s a form of cyber herpe (not to be confused with a space herpe) that us promiscuous bloggers seem to catch by romping all over the damn internet rubbing our cyber junk on every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a blog of their own.

Actually, there’s a better description of The Dart Award over at K-Squared Ramblings if you prefer a little more research and less sarcasm with your explanations….but I’m fond of the whole herpes thing.

Honestly, I am really flattered that the Kindertrauma boys picked me…I mean, if I’m going to catch some sort of cyber herpes from the internet, I can’t think of a nicer couple of guys to get it from.

So, I guess I should make with some viral shedding and recognize 5 other “unique voices and visions on the Web” and “promote fraternization amongst bloggers of all sorts” already.

A-hemAs Mayor of the Altered State of Druggachusetts, I declare these blogs to be…AWESOME!

NUMBER 1: THE NAKED JUNGLE

Make your house a home with the Paul Snider Sex Bench!

Make your house a home with the Paul Snider Sex Bench!


It’s the “Official blog” of Gorillanaut.com, so not only do you get links to movie reviews, but you also get posts about invisible raping gorillas, monsters, and Zebedy Colt!

…um, full disclosure here…I’m friends with Bwana and occasionally write a review or two for G’Naut, but that doesn’t mean I love his blog any more than the next four on this here list…

NUMBER 2: CHRIS’S INVINCIBLE SUPER-BLOG

This really captures the whole spirit of this award, don't cha' think?

This really captures the whole spirit of this award, don't cha' think?


Oh, The ISB…I can’t say enough good things about Chris’s blog…he’s been accused of hilarity, sarcasm, and straight up mockery of comic books and the comic industry, but it’s his unflinching and undying love of the medium that keeps me coming back on a daily basis. Listen up nerds, if you want more Silver Age references than you can shake a Super-Science Stick at, The ISB is the blog for you! Curious about what to buy at ye olde comic shoppe? The ISB has got you covered with The Week In Ink…you get the best reviews of the latest releases and it always comes with a guaranteed kick in the face!

NUMBER 3: LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE

You'll find a god in every golden cloister And if you're lucky then the god's a she

You'll find a god in every golden cloister And if you're lucky then the god's a she

A gay friend once told me that White guys that are only into Asian chicks are at the last stop on the train to Gay Town…and I couldn’t agree more. But what does that have to do with the Tenebrous One’s blog? Um…uh…they both involve trains? Okay, nothing, but I’ve always wanted to get that out on my blog…anyway…back to The Love Train

Just who runs this creepy little corner of the internet? Why it’s your tenebrous hostess, Tenebrous Kate! She’s a Libra that’s into Eurotrash movies, long walks through creepy castles, and she’s got a thing for nuns….She’s a member of The League of Tana Tea Drinkers
and she met a real live Krampus this year! Wow.

Number 4: HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE

Likes taupe

Likes taupe

Okay, okay, I know I’ve been sucking the teet of this blog for weeks now, but I just love it so damn much! Yum-Yum‘s taste in everything from movies to music just warms my cold little heart…and thanks to this site I’ve been turned on to Dallas firecracker and Casa Canacorn official Goddess, Mary Cherry! For that alone, I am eternally at Yum-Yum‘s service.

SSSSHHH…Don’t tell The Wife (or Auntie John), but I think I’m totally cyber crushing on Yum-Yum.

Number 5: ZOMBIE VS SHARK

You know, sometimes with my busy schedule, I don’t have time to read the T.V. Guide…never mind some blog that’s all, “Blah, blah, blah, fucking blah,” all the live long day. Well that’s why someone with a bigger brain than mine made Tumblr.

Blogs on Tumblr are fun and easy, breezy, beautiful, like some sort of cover girl or whatever. And the Christie Brinkley of Tumblr blogs that I visit just happens to belong to Justin.

This young man has a taste for the finer things in life, like, “photography, zombies, Star Wars, rock n’ roll, cupcakes, Godzilla, ninjas, boobs, and explosions.” I can totally get on board with all of the above. Well done, sir…well done.

Whew…and that’s probably the most link heavy post I ever done did. If you have some free time this week, check out these five awesome bloggers for a walk on the wild side…’cause all the colored girls go, “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
.”

The New Hotness From G’Naut

what-kind-large Guess what, Boners?

There are some new reviews (actually, I was told by one of my coworkers that they’re not really reviews so much as explaining what happened in a movie…but you know what I mean) over at Gorillanaut!

What’s Gorillanaut, you ask? Well, according to Cedric Washington III of the Angola Times, it’s, “…a delirious treat…grisly but fun.

And according to The Wife, it’s,”…a fun thing for you to do with your buddy since your little buddy-to-be is not done cooking yet.

So, um, basically it’s yet another cult/horror/porn movie site…but this one is different since Bwana Beast and I (under the alias of MoonBoy…I know, sounds kind of gay, but it’s a Jack Kirby reference…Devil Dinosaur anyone? No? Whatever.) waste valuable hours of our lives writing reviews for it.*

And we’ve recently wasted some more valuable hours just for you!

Check out my reviews of all 3 of Larry Cohen’s IT’S ALIVE films!

What a beautiful experience.

What a beautiful experience.

Be sure to feast your eyes on Bwana’s take on WITHOUT WARNING:

It Preys On Human Fear. It Feeds On Human Flesh.

It Preys On Human Fear. It Feeds On Human Flesh.

Bwana also whips out his review of the Satanic Porn classic, THE DEVIL INSIDE HER!

This man has an extremely elastic scrotum.

This man has an extremely elastic scrotum.

Oh, and if reading’s not your thing, we have pictures of naked chicks too.

That’s it for now, see ya’ tomorrow for Fetish Fridays!

*By valuable, I mean spare…and by hours, I mean minutes.

“Truly, a forgotten treasure.” -Mr. Sims

There are many reasons why I visit Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog every afternoon while eating my lunch….my interest in all things Mind Force, for one…and it’s the only decent site out there where I can get my “ROM ON” on a regular basis.

But most importanyly, like myself, Mr. Sims is a man obsessed with ALL THINGS AWESOME….like this:

MONKEY VERSUS NAZIS--OMAC STYLE!

MONKEY VERSUS NAZIS--OMAC STYLE!

Pretty fucking rad, huh? Peep the post about a gorilla using a machine gun…on a tank…until he runs out of ammo…then takes on a batch of Nazis…with his fists…HERE.

But we’re not here to talk Nazis or gorillas today, kids….Well, I mean, we couldever see a gorilla wrassel a gladiator?


(Clip courtesy of Gorillanaut…of course!)

Nice…anyway…um, where was I? Oh, The ISB!

lbw041So, Mr. Sims was doing his yearly recap the other day and he mentioned his discovery of DC’s all-but-forgotten kids’ comic, Li’l Bruce Wayne!

What the?!

I know what you’re thinking…and it’s along the lines of, “Comics are for babies, Canacorn…make with the pornography…

I mean, “No way! A Richie Rich style comic about Bruce Wayne’s childhood? Awesome!” ‘Cause that’s what I thought too! Peep the Wiki entry:

Often disregarded as part of any continuity, Li’l Bruce Wayne was a long-running series of light-hearted comic books aimed at children, detailing the life of a young, fantastically wealthy Bruce Wayne (known in the series as “The Happiest Kid On Earth”) in the years before the deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne and his subsequent transformation into Batman.

The series was originally created by Bill Finger and Jerry Robinson to fill a gap in DC’s publishing schedule after the cancellation of More Fun Comics in 1946, and ran through the majority of the Silver Age despite being regarded by editors and fans alike as being “extremely depressing” [citation needed] and is usually left out of any discussion of the character. It is notable, however, as being the first published comic book work of writer/artist Frank Miller.”

Oh man, I won’t spoil his entire post (which you should read by clicking HERE), but I just have to share this one last cover…(this one’s for the nerds)

So Long, Mom and Dad. LBW Final Issue Special

So Long, Mom and Dad. LBW Final Issue Special

Rocktober! Day 14

Dammit! Another horror movie featuring some wicked metal that I haven’t seen! This is getting out of hand…Here I am trying to cover 31 days filled with horror and metal, and as I conduct my “research” I keep unearthing films and bands that I’m not familiar with or haven’t had the chance to check out yet.

Which brings us to Black Roses on this 14th day of Rocktober!

Well, at least I’m familiar with this one unlike yesterday’s post for SHOCK ‘EM DEAD…Even though I’ve never seen the film, I do own the soundtrack on LP…which really isn’t the same since I don’t get these awesome visuals to go along with the songs:

Rock Invasion! Yeeeeeeeeeeah!

That was awesome, but not too scary…I wonder what happens next?

Woah, what the fuck is going on? Wait a minute, didn’t Bwana review this one over at GORILLANAUT? Let’s click on over and find out!

You can also check out my review of the soundtrack I did a while back…also on GORILLANAUT, of course!

Belated Post For Belated Gifts

I’ve been dying to post about some of the birthday gifts I received this year, but school (damn you, Chemistry) and work (damn you, ACL festival) have been keeping me more than busy. The Wife did a bang up job as usual and many thanks to my parents for sending some vintage 60s Playboy Magazines (they know their son so well)…but the real treat was a belated package from none other than my friend and depraved creator of Gorillanaut, Bwana Beast!

You know when you get a package from the G’Naut Compound that it’s going to be filled with so much awesomeness your head will spin! First up is the radical drawing of Optimus Prime and Bumblebee by one of Bwana’s sons…I’m assuming it was done by his oldest…notice the attention to detail on these old school 80s Autobots from the planet Cybertron! Way to go Lil’ Bwana…this was my favorite gift in the package your old man sent me!

Next up, 1988s amazing first issue of Gordon Shumway…er, I mean, ALF! If you thought the show was genius, just wait until you see what writer, Michael Gallagher and artist Dave Manak do with these iconic characters! I’ll have you comic nerds know, this is in mint condition and arrived boarded and bagged! I’ll also have you comic nerds know, I plan on folding it in half, shoving it in my back pocket, and taking it with me to the ACL festival…forever devaluing it below cover price! Ha!

If there’s one thing I love more than ALF, it’ gotta’ be ladies wrestling! And nothing says sexy wrasslin’ better than Jackie Stallone‘s television masterpiece, Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Y’all remember GLOW, right? I guess it’s really no surprise Bwana threw in an issue of the short lived magazine for GLOW…we are, of course, a couple of men that appreciate the finer things in life, like literature, ladies, and lycra. It’s difficult to really explain in words why GLOW is so awesome…so peep this:


See the rest of the match HERE…Dallas gets a blowtorch to her face…seriously! Wow.

Bwana sent one more awesome piece of reading material…SLUGS by Shaun Hutson!

They slime, the ooze, they kill…One female slug can lay one and half million eggs a year- a fact which holds terrifying consequences for the people of Merton. As the town basks in the summer heat, a new breed of slug is growing and multiplying. In the waist-high grass, in the dank, dark cellars they are acquiring new tastes, new cravings. For blood. For flesh. Human flesh…

I just started it the other day and even though I’m only one chapter in, I’ve decided it fucking rules! Normally, this is a book I could finish in a day or so, but as I stated earlier, stupid school is taking up so much of my time…

Peep the synopsis HERE!

And finally we have a a total of seven dvds form the G’Naut vaults…the import section no less!

Bwana says,”I sent movies from my import shelf so it wouldn’t be stuff you could get through netflix, except for The Magic Sword, which is just cool. Devadam is a Turkish superhero flick with El Santo and Captain America fighting a evil Spider-Man.

So other than, The Magic Sword and Devadam, I’m also the proud owner of:

Deathship
Rituals
Deathstalker
Morgus: Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man
[rec]

Wow! Pretty awesome, huh?

So, thanks again to everyone for another awesome birthday…and an extra big thanks to Bwana, for the most amazing grab bag of awesomeness! Now if only I had the time to enjoy all my new cool stuff!