Fetish Fridays! NSFW Reader Mail And BeaverBongs!

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Dear Mr. Canacorn...

Hey boners!

Sorry the FF posts have been so infrequent lately…you know how it goes, right? Sometimes life just gets in the way and all that.

But it’s back today, kids! So grab a bottle of your favorite personal warming lubricant and a box of tissues and come on!

Today we’re trying out something a little different…READER MAIL!

(You too can play along by sending me an email: mrcanacorn@gmail.com)

Don’t worry…I’ve only received one “letter” so far, so this will be quick…then we can get to today’s FF topic!

The dicks in question

The dicks in question

John Says:
March 27, 2009 at 8:14 pm

hi,
I liked your description of dickgirls/futanaria. We have a lot in common based on your profile including originating in the northeast and ending up in the southwest…and comics, and a fun “partner in crime”. Speaking of which…do you have any idea whatsoever how to find one of those fake cock setups that squirt etc…such as Maritza has? I would love to get one for my wife, who would absolutely go nuts with it…but I haven’t found anything at all. This is a last chance option…just wondering if you know something I don’t *smile* For that matter, I suppose I could make one if forced to…any thoughts on how they are attached? (are they attached??)
regards,
John

Okay…a little background…John is referring to this Fetish Fridays Post.

Well John, first things first….Thanks for reading FF (you might even try reading some of the other posts here at Awesomeness) and taking the time to write! And sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

So, let’s get to the, a-hem, meat of your letter! (See what I did there? You asked about cocks and I sai…oh, forget it.) I’m sorry to say, I don’t know where to get one of those fake cock setups…I did some “research” on the internet and came up empty handed. I even tried typing “How to make a fake squirting cock” into Google and everything. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

So then I decided to go to straight to the source! Maybe the creator of Futanaria would reveal his cock secrets?!

Well, turns out John isn’t the only one wondering how to get his hands on a giant, strap on, spurting fake cock…oh no, my friends! Quite a few people have been asking about these mysterious devices.

Giant spurting fake cock.

Giant spurting fake cock.

And Craddy (the man behind the Futanaria) is keeping everything about the ladies’ uh…pulsating penile protuberances totally top secret!

Sorry, John…can’t help ya’ buddy *frown*.

Okay…so much for that! Keep those letters (emails) coming, fetish fans!

Moving on!

A couple of weeks ago my blog buddy Myrtle left me this comment, “Have you seen that clip where the guy is taking a bong rip with a special bong that’s inserted into his girlfriends pussy? Try to find it – it’s barf central :-P”

To which I said, “No fucking way!?!? I’m on it! Pussy-bong here comes Canacorn!

And guess what I found. Not just a single clip…oh no…a whole damn website!

I got two words for you guys…well, two words that have been combined to make one word actually…

BEAVERBONG!

Hell ya bro!

Hell ya bro!

What’s it all about?

“WHEN YOU JUST CAN’T CHOOSE BETWEEN SEX AND WEED”

“BeaverBong.com knows how to party! If you love pussy, (who doesn’t) and love da bong (Dude, our girls ARE the bong!) YOU have got to party with us!”

Uh, so these dudes put bongs in girls vaginas…and smoke weed…out of their vagina bongs.

I believe that children are our future...

I believe that children are our future...

I don’t think I have anything else to say about that.

Here’s a song.

The Movie Soundtrack Meme

I found this meme floating around the internet this morning and figured it would make for a good time waster and an excuse to listen to some music.

So, here’s how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every section of the movie, type the song that’s playing

No cheating now…we’d all love to cherry pick the soundtrack to our movie, but you gotta’ follow the rules…

But first, how about a movie poster to go along with my soundtrack?

poster2888056

Opening Credits:You Ought To Be With MeAl Green (Nice. This song is super funky and romantic…it always makes me smile…a fine song to start a movie)

Waking Up:Charleston AlleyLambert, Hendricks, & Ross (Okay, I don’t care what anyone says, I love this group…not sure where this movie is going yet…)

First Day At School:Billion Dollar BabiesAlice Cooper (Well, we’ve certainly switched gears here…)

Falling In Love:GogomobilCarlo Montez (Sweet, this is a jazzy European instrumental number that riffs on the Neil Hefti theme from BATMAN)

Shower Scene:Frisco NightLalo Schifrin from the SUDDEN IMPACT soundtrack. (What the fuck kind of shower was that? I’m all freaked out…)

Fight Song:Wu Banga 101Ghostface Killah, GZA, Raekwon, Cappadonna, Masta Killa (I wondered when the Wu was gonna’ show up…features a sample from “Queen Of Tears” by Gladys Knight & The Pips.)

Breaking Up:Dig Boy DigFreddie Hart (Oh man, a rockabilly track…I have a past not many of y’all know about…)

Prom:FunkyAndre Brasseur (More sexy European gogo music from the 60s…Best…Prom…Ever!)

Life’s OK:Finger Of ScornCirith Ungol (FYI: the band’s name is Elvish and it means “Pass of the Spider“….Rings, bitches!)

Mental Breakdown:Hopelessly Devoted To YouOlivia Newton-John (I am kind of gay you know…)

Driving:Dats What I’m Talkin’ AboutMissy Elliott with R. Kelly (This song is all about fucking…and, um, the sex scene comes after the driving scene…I can’t wait to see what comes next…)

Sex Scene:Hall Of The Mountain KingSavatage (Okay…I really wish I could switch this one with the driving scene…)

Flashback:EmergencyDee Dee King (This is Dee Dee Ramone‘s rap record…beautiful…)

Getting Back Together:Hippa To Da HoppaOl’ Dirty Bastard (I know, I’m such a romantic…Samples “It’s A New Day” by Skull Snaps and “Sing A Simple Song” by Sly & The Family Stone)

Wedding:Slayers” from John Carpenter’s VAMPIRES The Texas Toad Lickers (I would like to imagine that this was the band playing at the wedding…know why? Here’s a list of the musicians: John Carpenter – keyboards, piano, guitar and bass, Steve “The Colonel” Cropper – guitar, Donald V.”Duck” Dunn – bass, Rick Shlosser – drums, Jeffrey “Skunk” Baxter -electronic guitar, dobro and steel pedal, Joe Robb – saxophone, Bruce Robb – Hammond B3 organ…’nuff said.)

Birth of Child:State Of IndependenceDonna Summer (Whoa…not my favorite Donna Summer…it’s a cover of a Jon Anderson (of YES) and Vangelis song…very 80s…the lyrics work though)

Death Scene:Gasoline DreamsOutkast (Don’t everybody like the smell of gasoline?)

Funeral Song:Killing An ArabThe Cure
(Weird…my funeral is set to a song based on “…one of the most famous French novels of the twentieth century…” and is considered to be “…among the best literary expositions of the absurdity of human existence in an indifferent universe.“…nice.)

End Credits:Break My BodyPixies (After FIGHT CLUB we all know that the Pixies are a fine way to close your film.)

Well, not exactly what I would have picked, but interesting none the less….If any of you knuckleheads participate in this here meme, let me know…I’m a sucker for soundtracks.

I wonder what would happen if I did it again?

“Bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through”- R. Kelly


This artists rendering shows R&B singer R. Kelly, right, watching in court as prosecutors played the sex tape at the center of his child pornography trial in open court in Chicago on Tuesday, May 20, 2008, just hours after opening statements in which they accused the R&B singer of choreographing and starring in the footage with an underage girl.” (AP Photo/Lou Chukman)

My favorite part: “….they accused the R&B singer of choreographing and starring in the footage with an underage girl.” Wha? Not that I really want to see Kells having sex with a minor, but it was fucking choreographed?! I mean, I don’t doubt it…we are talking about The R. Kelly…you all saw what he did with TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET…so, I’m a guessin’ if he put half as much energy into this 25 minute video it has to be entertaining. Maybe entertaining isn’t the right word. It would be interesting? I know you’re wondering what’s on that tape.

I bet it looks a little something like this:

Or maybe not….but it would be a whole lot cooler than child porn if it did.

Two For Tuesdays

I was not familiar with R&B singer / songwriter DON COVAY until last week. A fellow employee at the record store popped on a greatest hits cd that stopped me in my tracks. Don had that great storytelling ability with minute attention to detail* I’ve only noticed in R. Kelly’s greatest efforts.

This one has become my personal favorite:

SOMEBODY’S BEEN ENJOYING MY HOME

He drank the last six pack of beer?! That bastard!

While poking around for Mr. Covay songs I came across this little gem about…..JAWS?!

SIX MILLION DOLLAR FISH

Wow…

*See: I WAS CHECKIN’ OUT…