The Dirty Secret Of Waterloo Records

What the fuck is that smell? Where is it coming from? Is it me? No it can’t be..wanna know why? Here’s a real quick Canacorn fun fact: I don’t stink. Seriously, I have no body odor. Just ask The Wife. It’s true….I don’t even have to wear deodorant. Weird, huh?

Anyway, back to that fucking smell….oh look, it’s the refrigerator at work. Now that The Wife doesn’t work at the record store anymore, who’s gonna’ clean it out? There’s about 90 of us here, why won’t anyone man-up and clean this OPERATION WHITECOAT inspired diarrhea factory?

Alright, that’s it! I’ll do it.

So, the first rule for cleaning out the Waterloo fridge is: ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE WARNING THE EMPLOYEES THAT THEIR ROTTING LEFTOVERS WILL BE UNCEREMONIOUSLY THROWN IN THE GARBAGE.

The best part about my note…as I was writing it, a fellow employee said, “Oh great. I was wondering when someone was going to do this.”

Don’t worry kids, you still have a Canacorn to lean on to do your dirty work!

So, what’s inside the Waterloo fridge? Let’s take a looksee.

What’s the worse thing that could happen?

Well, it’s been worse. Let’s get a little closer.

Seriously? You guys super suck. But what is that smell?!


Gah! That stinks…but it’s not quite right.


Bleh! That’s the one!


Hey, boners , next time somebody else is going to have to do this! Oh, who am I kidding? I’m the only employee around here that doesn’t enjoy wallowing in their own shit.


This is the “food” that some of my illustrious employees will complain about being thrown away….obviously, they are junior Mycologists and I’m some sort of senior asshole.

And now the note to let my little piggies know what has happened.

What’s a Performance Bonus, you ask. Well, it’s some sort of elusive monetary reward promised to Waterloovians for going above and beyond their normal duties at work….and it’s something I still have yet to receive. No surprises there. You’re welcome.

Two For Tuesdays

So I work at a record store, right? I try to avoid bitching about the customers and getting all stereotypical record store employee on this here blog…but today, I’m going all fuck that and letting off a little steam.

There’s a certain type of customer who doesn’t want any help from “younger people”. You’d think it would be the real old timers looking for the LIGHT CRUST DOUGHBOYS or some BOB WILLS…but you’d be wrong. The old timers are some of the best people to help…almost always polite, thankful, and plum surprised when a young feller like myself is actually interested in the music their interested in.

The real problem customers are THE BOOMERS. They can’t stand the thought that anyone younger than them even knows what music is, man. It’s always the same routine, “Can you get me someone more my age…they’ll know for sure what ALLMAN BROTHERS CD “QUEEN OF HEARTS” is on.” It’s like, “If you didn’t experience the 60s, man, you just won’t be able to help me.” ARGH! It would blow their minds if they knew I listened to music made before 1991!

(Side note: “Queen of Hearts” was originally on Gregg Allman’s Lp LAID BACK)

Anyway, I got a real live Boomer the other day who wanted a song she knew the title to but not the artist…and if I could get someone older…you know, more her age, they’d know who sang it. Well, I blew her mind by using a computer and typing in the song title..and what do you know, up popped the info we needed!

Oh, this was the song:

Just When I Needed You Most

Pretty cool song, Boomer…………..but not cool enough for TWO FOR TUESDAYS here at AWESOMENESS!

Maybe if I was more your age I wouldn’t listen to this:

KING DIAMOND

WELCOME HOME

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Fuck you, Boomers!

Blog-Block, Boredom, and a Couple of Books.

This past week has been totally BORING. I’m currently in a holding pattern for school…which means, no classes, no studying, no test stress, no nothing. Most students would think the time off would be great…but I feel like I’ve abandoned all my hard work in school just to become a lifer at the record store. I know this isn’t the case…it’s just that I’m finished with all my prerequisite courses and I’m waiting on an acceptance letter.

The kicker is, I won’t even find out if I’ve been accepted into the Dental Hygiene Program until April! Months left of soul crushing boredom pricing the same cds 40 hours a week…seriously, how many times can I check in that damn Regina Spektor disc?!

I’ve even let this boredom creep into my home life….have you noticed the lack of blogging from the Canacorn house? I had an acute case of BLOG-BLOCK. That’s right, I couldn’t think of a damn thing to blog about…nothing was interesting. I’d stare at wacky videos and read interesting articles, but I just was too damn bored to share any of it with you guys. Not even Pete Burns’ amazing balls could bring me to the keyboard.

Well, I’ve snapped out of it and I have a blog or two for you kids today.

Have you ever heard of Mark Baker? I was unfamiliar with this author myself until I read this article in Vice Magazine.

Now, I know some of y’all might have had some bad experiences with your local peace officers, but not me.

I love cops…and I really really love the show, COPS! Have you guys seen COP LAND? Remember when Edie Falco is telling Ray Liotta about the “animal head in the duffel bag bomb scare” story? Well, that came from this book…word for word!

Since COPS was so damn cheap on Amazon, I also snatched up a copy of NAM: THE VIETNAM WAR IN THE WORDS OF THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO FOUGHT THERE.

Jesus Christ, was this book a kick in the teeth. NAM has just about wiped my ass out. I’ve been reading it during my lunch breaks at work…a word to the wise, DO NOT read this book while eating. Some serious fucked up shit went down there and you do not want to be chewing on something warm and fleshy while trying to process the extreme fucked-upness of the Vietnam War. There was a part in this book that almost had me crying like a baby in the break room…can you imagine a 18 year old soldier with no arms (who’s wife just had a baby that he’ll never be able to hold) breaking down because he can’t even open the shitty Christmas gift the nurses gave him?!

Serving in the Armed Forces is not for me, but I have even more love and respect for Veterans than I do Cops…and that’s a lot!

So, if you like nonfiction books about some heavy stuff, pick up some Mark Baker books…he also has one called, WOMEN: AMERICAN WOMEN IN THEIR OWN WORDS, that I’m dying to read.

And what would one of my blogs be without a video?

“Learn to love the rope.”