Buy Yourself Something Pretty

Oh man, I know I haven’t been talking about my all time most favoritest show ever in the whole wide world in like, forever, but I just couldn’t let the episode we watched last night go by without comment.

I’ll give you a quick update just so you know where we’re at!

Sixth Season…Dylan is out after the assassination of his wife (I know, crazy, right?!). Donna‘s finally rid of ol’ love ’em and push ’em down the stairs, Ray Pruit, and has hooked up with Joe, the virgin football star that has that heart problem. Brandon is dating the Andrea-ish feminazi, Susan (gag). David is dating the most awesome, Valerie Malone (seriously, she’s become one of the best reasons to watch “The After High School Years” seasons). Steve is dating Creepy Crossed-eyed Clare (who’s face is seriously starting to piss me off this season)…

No really, Clare’s face has become a bigger distraction than Donna’s cleavage for me…Do you even remember what she looks like? No? Here, I’ll jog your memory:

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Blagh! What the fuck is up with her eyes?!

Anyway…where was I? Oh, the best part! Kelly is dating the coke head artist, Colin. You know how Kelly’s all judgmental and bitchy and so not okay with cocaine because her mom was a total druggie fuck-up, right? Well, this is the season when little miss goody-goody gets all depressed over her shitty parents and goes balls to the wall…snorting up all the snow in Beverly Hills she can cram up her weird tiny nose!

But before the coke bender we have The Wife‘s most favorite scene evah! Kelly’s dad promised to move back to 90210, but he’s a flake (just like her mom) and decides to not move back because of some textiles deal or whatever. He has a flower arrangement and a card sent to Kelly as an apology for letting her down…again. Inside the card is a half ass “I’m So Sorry Note” and one check for three thousand dollars…you know, so Kelly can buy herself something pretty. Well, that totally pushes our gal over the edge…and this happens!

Buy yourself something pretty...

Buy yourself something pretty...

Like a scarf...

Like a scarf...

Or a pashmina...

Or a pashmina...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a shit-ton of more coke?  Thanks, dad.

Or a shit-ton of more coke? Thanks, dad.

Fuck yes! You know what this deserves?

The full on 5 Spaghetti Cat Rating of THE AWESOMEST!

spcat-2spcat-2spcat-2spcat-2spcat-2

Kenley Wonders…

Uh, maybe because you’re a jerk? Just a thought.

Oh, and guess what, Toothy McMolarmouth…you get the 1 SC rating!

Girl, you straight up GNAR GNARS!

Love, Mr. Canacorn

Today Is Brought To You By The Letter A.

A is for…

ASIA
I’m totally crushing on her and here’s why:

1. She’s hot.

2. I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure she’s crazy.

3. She’s a Virgo…just like me.

4. She’s not afraid to show some skin…and I can certainly get behind that level of dedication to her craft!

Peep this quote from her commentary on Scarlet Diva:

I grew this enormous bush, ’cause I thought it would sell the movie in Japan. ‘Cause the Japanese really like hair. Hairy…uh…female genitals. So I…uh, actually saw the movie in Japan…I don’t know if it was because of the bush or they just liked the manga-like story…I think it’s for the bush.

Homegirl knows what the people want and she’s not afraid to give it to ’em!

Here’s a screen shot of Asia in Scarlet Diva. You can’t see it here kids, but believe me, it is awesomely enormous! If you’re curious about the bush all you have to do is rent the movie (or just Goggle: Asia Argento bush…it works…I’m pretty sure Asia hates wearing clothes) and you’ll see what all of Japan went bananas for!

A also stands for something else! It stands for the alias of one of the best bloggers out there. He actually reminded me of Asia’s birthday with his post on Saturday. I’m totally crushing on him today as well. His name is….

ARBOGAST
While I’m not sure about the enormity of his bush, I do know that ARBOGAST ON FILM is essential reading for movie and pop culture enthusiasts of all ages! And here’s why:

1. I’ve never seen him so I don’t know if he’s hot, but he is mysterious…and that counts for something.

2. Again, I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure he’s a genius.

3. I’m not sure what his astrological sign is…like I said, he’s a mystery. I guess that’s not really a reason but I was going for consistency here, people.

4. He’s not afraid to give the people what they want either…but he never panders to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploits his reader’s weaknesses. Seriously, you need to make a daily pilgrimage to his blog…There’s The One You Might Have Saved Blog-a-Thon, The Kill Face Chronicles, and more reviews and musings of a madman than you can shake a severed limb at!

If you don’t believe me it will be your loss, turkeys! Hell, even Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl says, “Arbogast rules,” and you can’t argue with that.

So, that’s not all the letter A stands for today…it also stands for:

THE AWESOMEST!

‘Cause both Asia and Arbogast totally get the full on 5 Spaghetti Cat rating!

You two kooky kids rock my world! And that’s the truth!

Final Girl Film Club Presents: FOOD OF THE GODS

Yaeeyaae…..Well if you didn’t already figure it out by the title of this here post:

GET YA CLUB ON CAUSE WE BE CLUBBIN’ TODAY, Y’ALL!

So homeboys and homegirls, let’s show Stacie some love by reviewing the 1976 classic, FOOD OF THE GODS! You see, Stacie has been jonesing to do this one since the end of May…when her Film Club Coolies (myself included) unceremoniously decided to bump F.O.T.G. out of the running for the film of the month in favor of, Naked Space Alien Vampire Zombie Boobies (aka LIFEFORCE).

I really should start with a disclaimer of sorts for this one, kids. The American Humane Society probably had about zero involvement in the monitoring of FOOD OF THE GODS….which means, if you have any sort of problem with the possible unethical treatment of gigantic killer rats by Canadian filmmakers, turn back now

Because I’m pretty sure F.O.T.G. would have been slapped with this bad boy:

Okay, now that we got that out of the way, let’s make with the reviewing. Oh, and as usual, please enjoy the various screenshots scattered throughout my ramblings.

I got three words to let you know how hard this movie rules: ARKOFF! GORDON! MEEKER! If those names don’t mean anything to you, you seriously need to stop reading so many books and start wasting more time watching awesome movies. So, the opening credits tell me F.O.T.G. is “based on a portion of the novel” by H.G. Wells, and I’m-a-guessin’ that means it was based only on the good parts and left out all the boring crap.

Now with more flavor and half the fat of mayonnaise!

Now with more flavor and half the fat of mayonnaise!

First up we meet Morgan (childhood evangelical huckster “MaryJoseph” Gortner), football player and son of an wise old Indian. Well, I’m not really sure if his dad was a real Indian or not, but with words of wisdom like these:

Morgan, one of these days the earth will get even with man for messing her up with his garbage. Just let man continue to pollute the earth the way he is and nature will rebel. You’ll never know when and where it’s gonna happen, and once it starts you’ll never know how and where it’ll stop.

He has to be an Indian…I mean, who talks like that? Wise old Indians from the 1970s, that’s who! Anyway, since Morgan’s dad was an Indian, I guess that makes Morgan part Indian…which is why he ends up knowing all sorts of stuff about sharpshooting, making pipe bombs, and fighting giant wasps, roosters, and rats!

Only a very limited portion of the population (one or two people out of 1,000) is allergic or hypersensitive to bee or wasp stings.

Only a very limited portion of the population (one or two people out of 1,000) is allergic or hypersensitive to bee or wasp stings.

Morgan and his buddies take a little trip to relax from all their ass grabbing and ball handling in scenic British Columbia, only to stumble upon some strange goings-ons in the form of giant wasps! One of Morgan’s friends meets the ass end of said giant wasp and ends up all swollen and dead-like. Morgan’s Indian tracking skills lead him to an old farm inhabited by crazy Mrs. Skinner (the “poor man’s Bette Davis,” Ida Lupino) and her ‘mazing menagerie of mastodonic monstrous mammalia! (Yes, I know what a mammal is…but work with me here people!)

No fancy city talk!  Make with the money deal!

No fancy city talk! Make with the "money deal"!

Before Morgan can get any information about what’s what from ol’ crazy lady, he runs amok of our second giant monstrosity! A giant carnivorous rooster! Which he promptly engages in a herky jerky, no holds barred, man vs. rooster, barn match to the death! Man-1, Rooster-0.

Watch yourself, sister! Everything in these woodsll either bite ya, stab ya or stick ya!

"Watch yourself, sister! Everything in these woods'll either bite ya, stab ya or stick ya!"

With the killer rooster out of the way Morgan exchanges the usual city slicker to country folk chit chat with nut job, Mrs. Skinner:

“I need a phone.”
“We ain’t got no phone.”
“My friend’s dead!”
“You ought not be messin’ around here.”
“What’s the deal with all these giant animals?”
“I feed them slime mixed with feed. You see, God has sent me some growin’ slime to make a big money deal.”
“Look lady, you’re nuts if you think feeding animals a God given growin’ slime is a good idea!”

And Morgan would be right…know why? Because not only have wasps and chickens been munching on the growin’ slime, but so have creepy grubs and rats! The grubs are pretty fucking gross, but it’s the rats we really have to worry about…and the rats make it perfectly clear they mean business when they start killing the giant chickens and Mr. Skinner.

Grody.

Grody.

Having just Morgan, his buddy Brian, and Mrs. Skinner terrorized by giant rats wouldn’t make for too exciting of a motion picture, so we’re quickly introduced to: Jack “Magnificent Bastard” Bensington (Ralph Meeker from KISS ME DEADLY), the opportunistic, chauvinistic, foul mouthed businessman. His assistant (not to mention Female Bacteriologist) Lorna (70s teevee mainstay, Pamela Franklin), along with a stranded couple, Tom and his pregnant girlfriend, Rita.

Im the real hero of this picture!

I'm the real hero of this picture!

With our cast in place we finally start truckin’ with an all out man vs. nature RATastrophe (See how I did that?)! There’s some dodgy special effects throughout the movie (I’m looking at you, wasp attacks) but I think they pulled off the giant rats pretty damn good for 1976. Sure, there’s the silly looking superimposed scenes of real rats with real people, but the rats on the miniature sets were cool and the life sized rat puppets were totally awesome looking. Oh, and the sound effects used for the rats’ growling and eating is a bone chilling mix of what sounds like a pride of tigers, four lions, and two bears feasting on two dozen baby gazelles…or something like that.

Were gonna need a bigger camper.

"We're gonna' need a bigger camper."

Speaking of the special effects, let’s talk about the gunshots…hoo-boy…here’s where I think some people might have a problem with F.O.T.G.‘s treatment of animals. It looks to me like the makers of the film used some sort of air gun (maybe with some sort of paint pellet or something) to make the little bastards look like they were getting all shot up and shit. Some of these guys look like they get hit pretty hard…and I swear, one rat got it right in the eye!

Youll never take me alive!

"You'll never take me alive!"

I was also wondering about the electrified fence scene…I mean, I wouldn’t put it past these Canucks to actually fry some of these pesky vermin for reals. You tell me:

Flash before my eyes, Now its time to die, Buring in my brain, I can feel the flame.

"Flash before my eyes, Now it's time to die, Buring in my brain, I can feel the flame."

You know I hate to give too much plot away, but the showdown at ol’ Crazy’s farm is one of the finer moments of any giant killer rat movie from 1976! All our characters stick perfectly to the script. Morgan plays tough guy hero, Lorna plays judgmental bitch and Morgan’s love interest, Brian plays the sacrificial friend, Jack’s the greedy bastard who gets what he deserves, Tom is the hero’s reluctant assistant, Rita’s having her damn baby at the worst possible moment, and Crazy Mrs. Skinner goes out fighting!

Hassan chop!

Hassan chop!

We got shotguns, pipe bombs, mason jar Molotov cocktails, a blown up dam and more dead rats than I ever did saw! I mean, the last 20 minutes is filled to the brim with gratuitous rat slaughter! So much so, I almost felt sorry for the little fuckers…almost.

Lorna gives a F.U. to F.O.T.G.

Lorna gives a F.U. to F.O.T.G.

Overall, we have a winner of a film here, kids! And based on my brand spankin’ new SPAGHETTI CAT AWESOMENESS SCALE, I proudly declare F.O.T.G. to be AWESOME!

That means it gets a solid 4 out of 5 SC rating:

Oh before I forget…the one last image from F.O.T.G. I want to leave you with isn’t rat related, but was one of the most unexpected special effects:

Full on childbirth, yall!  EEEEWWWWW!

Full on childbirth, y'all! EEEEWWWWW!

Now let’s head on over to Final Girl and see what Stacie and the rest of The Film Club Coolies have to say!

On A Scale Of One To Five…

Last month I decided that the infamous Spaghetti Cat was going to be adopted as the Awesomeness mascot…but I hadn’t really thought of a way to bring the lil’ somebitch into some sort of regular rotation around here.

Until yesterday.

I was watching FOOD OF THE GODS (the next Final Girl Film Club pick of the month…it’s due tomorrow, you know) and it hit me. A Spaghetti Cat ratings system! I talk about enough movies, records, and all other sorts of things that deserve to be rated on a 1 to 5 awesomeness scale…and Spaghetti Cat is they guy for the job!

This is how it works: Ratings are on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 SC being the worst and 5 SC being the best. Here’s the breakdown with some examples (just so you know where I’m coming from).

GNAR GNARS

Things that receive a 1 SC rating are totally lame…like:

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (the toy line), SARAH PALIN, ST. ANGER, BATMAN BEGINS

MEH

Things that receive a 2 SC rating are really not worth bothering about…like:

GLO WORM, PARIS HILTON, LOAD and ReLOAD, TWIN PEAKS SEASON 2

ALMOST AWESOME

Things that receive a 3 SC rating are pretty cool in my book…like:

PLAYSKOOL’S WEEBLES HAUNTED HOUSE, PAM ANDERSON, THE BLACK ALBUM, ARMY OF DARKNESS

AWESOME

Things that receive a 4 SC rating are obviously awesome…like:

MICRONAUTS, DOLLY PARTON, RIDE THE LIGHTNING, THE BEASTMASTER

THE AWESOMEST

Things that receive a 5 SC rating are just about the coolest things in the fucking world…period…like:

HUGO-MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES, TORI SPELLING, MASTER OF PUPPETS, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, THE WIFE, GOODFELLAS, THE FIRST DANZIG LP, ILSA SHE WOLF OF THE SS, KINDERTRAUMA, BEVERLY HILLS 90210, JACK KIRBY’S FOURTH WORLD, SHOWGIRLS, BLACK COFFEE, GORILLAS, SHRIMP COCKTAILS, 1976 KING KONG, CHARLTON HESTON, RAMROD, THE WU-TANG CLAN
…..seriously, this list could go on forever.

There you have it. Agree or disagree, Spaghetti Cat and I could really care…start your own ratings system if you have have a problem with ours…but come on, you know BATMAN BEGINS really wasn’t very good…be honest.

Awesomeness Deserves The Spaghetti Cat

People who misbehave get the Spaghetti Cat treatment. In other words, the Riddle of Spaghetti Cat remains just that.” –Juliet AnnMarie Huddy

I have to say that Spaghetti Cat is the new Awesomeness For Awesome’s Sake mascot. Just look at him! Man, that cat is some serious trouble.