Buy Yourself Something Pretty

Oh man, I know I haven’t been talking about my all time most favoritest show ever in the whole wide world in like, forever, but I just couldn’t let the episode we watched last night go by without comment.

I’ll give you a quick update just so you know where we’re at!

Sixth Season…Dylan is out after the assassination of his wife (I know, crazy, right?!). Donna‘s finally rid of ol’ love ’em and push ’em down the stairs, Ray Pruit, and has hooked up with Joe, the virgin football star that has that heart problem. Brandon is dating the Andrea-ish feminazi, Susan (gag). David is dating the most awesome, Valerie Malone (seriously, she’s become one of the best reasons to watch “The After High School Years” seasons). Steve is dating Creepy Crossed-eyed Clare (who’s face is seriously starting to piss me off this season)…

No really, Clare’s face has become a bigger distraction than Donna’s cleavage for me…Do you even remember what she looks like? No? Here, I’ll jog your memory:

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Blagh! What the fuck is up with her eyes?!

Anyway…where was I? Oh, the best part! Kelly is dating the coke head artist, Colin. You know how Kelly’s all judgmental and bitchy and so not okay with cocaine because her mom was a total druggie fuck-up, right? Well, this is the season when little miss goody-goody gets all depressed over her shitty parents and goes balls to the wall…snorting up all the snow in Beverly Hills she can cram up her weird tiny nose!

But before the coke bender we have The Wife‘s most favorite scene evah! Kelly’s dad promised to move back to 90210, but he’s a flake (just like her mom) and decides to not move back because of some textiles deal or whatever. He has a flower arrangement and a card sent to Kelly as an apology for letting her down…again. Inside the card is a half ass “I’m So Sorry Note” and one check for three thousand dollars…you know, so Kelly can buy herself something pretty. Well, that totally pushes our gal over the edge…and this happens!

Buy yourself something pretty...

Buy yourself something pretty...

Like a scarf...

Like a scarf...

Or a pashmina...

Or a pashmina...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a shit-ton of more coke?  Thanks, dad.

Or a shit-ton of more coke? Thanks, dad.

Fuck yes! You know what this deserves?

The full on 5 Spaghetti Cat Rating of THE AWESOMEST!

spcat-2spcat-2spcat-2spcat-2spcat-2

Today Is Brought To You By The Letter A.

A is for…

ASIA
I’m totally crushing on her and here’s why:

1. She’s hot.

2. I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure she’s crazy.

3. She’s a Virgo…just like me.

4. She’s not afraid to show some skin…and I can certainly get behind that level of dedication to her craft!

Peep this quote from her commentary on Scarlet Diva:

I grew this enormous bush, ’cause I thought it would sell the movie in Japan. ‘Cause the Japanese really like hair. Hairy…uh…female genitals. So I…uh, actually saw the movie in Japan…I don’t know if it was because of the bush or they just liked the manga-like story…I think it’s for the bush.

Homegirl knows what the people want and she’s not afraid to give it to ’em!

Here’s a screen shot of Asia in Scarlet Diva. You can’t see it here kids, but believe me, it is awesomely enormous! If you’re curious about the bush all you have to do is rent the movie (or just Goggle: Asia Argento bush…it works…I’m pretty sure Asia hates wearing clothes) and you’ll see what all of Japan went bananas for!

A also stands for something else! It stands for the alias of one of the best bloggers out there. He actually reminded me of Asia’s birthday with his post on Saturday. I’m totally crushing on him today as well. His name is….

ARBOGAST
While I’m not sure about the enormity of his bush, I do know that ARBOGAST ON FILM is essential reading for movie and pop culture enthusiasts of all ages! And here’s why:

1. I’ve never seen him so I don’t know if he’s hot, but he is mysterious…and that counts for something.

2. Again, I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure he’s a genius.

3. I’m not sure what his astrological sign is…like I said, he’s a mystery. I guess that’s not really a reason but I was going for consistency here, people.

4. He’s not afraid to give the people what they want either…but he never panders to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploits his reader’s weaknesses. Seriously, you need to make a daily pilgrimage to his blog…There’s The One You Might Have Saved Blog-a-Thon, The Kill Face Chronicles, and more reviews and musings of a madman than you can shake a severed limb at!

If you don’t believe me it will be your loss, turkeys! Hell, even Stacie Ponder over at Final Girl says, “Arbogast rules,” and you can’t argue with that.

So, that’s not all the letter A stands for today…it also stands for:

THE AWESOMEST!

‘Cause both Asia and Arbogast totally get the full on 5 Spaghetti Cat rating!

You two kooky kids rock my world! And that’s the truth!

On A Scale Of One To Five…

Last month I decided that the infamous Spaghetti Cat was going to be adopted as the Awesomeness mascot…but I hadn’t really thought of a way to bring the lil’ somebitch into some sort of regular rotation around here.

Until yesterday.

I was watching FOOD OF THE GODS (the next Final Girl Film Club pick of the month…it’s due tomorrow, you know) and it hit me. A Spaghetti Cat ratings system! I talk about enough movies, records, and all other sorts of things that deserve to be rated on a 1 to 5 awesomeness scale…and Spaghetti Cat is they guy for the job!

This is how it works: Ratings are on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 SC being the worst and 5 SC being the best. Here’s the breakdown with some examples (just so you know where I’m coming from).

GNAR GNARS

Things that receive a 1 SC rating are totally lame…like:

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (the toy line), SARAH PALIN, ST. ANGER, BATMAN BEGINS

MEH

Things that receive a 2 SC rating are really not worth bothering about…like:

GLO WORM, PARIS HILTON, LOAD and ReLOAD, TWIN PEAKS SEASON 2

ALMOST AWESOME

Things that receive a 3 SC rating are pretty cool in my book…like:

PLAYSKOOL’S WEEBLES HAUNTED HOUSE, PAM ANDERSON, THE BLACK ALBUM, ARMY OF DARKNESS

AWESOME

Things that receive a 4 SC rating are obviously awesome…like:

MICRONAUTS, DOLLY PARTON, RIDE THE LIGHTNING, THE BEASTMASTER

THE AWESOMEST

Things that receive a 5 SC rating are just about the coolest things in the fucking world…period…like:

HUGO-MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES, TORI SPELLING, MASTER OF PUPPETS, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, THE WIFE, GOODFELLAS, THE FIRST DANZIG LP, ILSA SHE WOLF OF THE SS, KINDERTRAUMA, BEVERLY HILLS 90210, JACK KIRBY’S FOURTH WORLD, SHOWGIRLS, BLACK COFFEE, GORILLAS, SHRIMP COCKTAILS, 1976 KING KONG, CHARLTON HESTON, RAMROD, THE WU-TANG CLAN
…..seriously, this list could go on forever.

There you have it. Agree or disagree, Spaghetti Cat and I could really care…start your own ratings system if you have have a problem with ours…but come on, you know BATMAN BEGINS really wasn’t very good…be honest.