A Vice Magazine Article

I just finished reading THOMAS MORTON‘s MEDIEVAL SLIMES (Two Weeks of Living Disgustingly) this morning and really just had to share…

Oh, a quick Canacorn Fun Fact: I wore a fucking bib until I was seven and can’t stand the thought of being dirty.

Enjoy!

2 “According to such sources as Hollywood, history textbooks, and the word on the street, the Middle Ages were a thousand-year grunge revival in which everybody walked around covered in fleas and mud and you could tell a person’s class by the particular stench of their balls. This is total bullshit. I know this because I just spent two weeks adhering strictly to premodern hygiene techniques and aside from a few skid marks, unexplained sores, heavy dandruff, lots of smegma, and a possible case of Saint Anthony’s fire, I turned out fine. Here’s how it went.”

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE!…if you can stomach chamber pots, greasy balls, and pus filled welts…

Actor. Rapper. Gaper.

Self described, REAL LADIEZ MAN, B Pumper

Self described, REAL LADIEZ MAN, B Pumper

Okay, black dudes writing rap songs about fucking hos, making cheddar, and their vocal prowess on the mic is nothing new, right?

Well, meet Brian “B” Pumper. That’s him over there on the left. I had no idea who this talented young man was until I read about him in Chris Nieratko‘s latest SKINEMA article.

It seems that B has a new dvd coming out called GAPE MAN 2…and on said dvd is an incredible hip hop track performed by B all about his ability to cause “mass ass destruction in da pink meat.”

Are you guys on board here? You do know what the gape is right?

You don’t?!

Look, I know I’ve posted some questionable material on here before, but I’m not so sure about hitting you guys up with this particular extreme porn niche.

Um, okay, how do I explain this one? You know what the definition of the word gape is. Now apply that to the human anus. It should look something like this in your mind…but more wet and inflamed looking:

 Awesome Blossom + Human Anus = What a gape looks like

Awesome Blossom + Human Anus = What a gape looks like

So wanna’ hear some of B Pumper‘s music? Me too.

Lucky for us he’s got a channel on YouTube! Here’s his video for “Fucked Ya Girl“:

I don’t know, B…it’s a little weak in the beat, rhyme, and flow areas. Sorry, B…you know what, maybe it’s just me? After reading about The Gape Man Rap none of your other songs are gonna’ cut it.

Alright, let’s do this then….here it is…I want it, you want it…click at your own risk…THE NO WAY IN HELL IS THIS VIDEO EVEN REMOTELY SAFE FOR WORK AND IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU THROW UP BUT YOU JUST CAN’T RESIST THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS THE GAPE MAN 2 RAP.

Dear God, please don’t let my mother read my blog…..

Blog-Block, Boredom, and a Couple of Books.

This past week has been totally BORING. I’m currently in a holding pattern for school…which means, no classes, no studying, no test stress, no nothing. Most students would think the time off would be great…but I feel like I’ve abandoned all my hard work in school just to become a lifer at the record store. I know this isn’t the case…it’s just that I’m finished with all my prerequisite courses and I’m waiting on an acceptance letter.

The kicker is, I won’t even find out if I’ve been accepted into the Dental Hygiene Program until April! Months left of soul crushing boredom pricing the same cds 40 hours a week…seriously, how many times can I check in that damn Regina Spektor disc?!

I’ve even let this boredom creep into my home life….have you noticed the lack of blogging from the Canacorn house? I had an acute case of BLOG-BLOCK. That’s right, I couldn’t think of a damn thing to blog about…nothing was interesting. I’d stare at wacky videos and read interesting articles, but I just was too damn bored to share any of it with you guys. Not even Pete Burns’ amazing balls could bring me to the keyboard.

Well, I’ve snapped out of it and I have a blog or two for you kids today.

Have you ever heard of Mark Baker? I was unfamiliar with this author myself until I read this article in Vice Magazine.

Now, I know some of y’all might have had some bad experiences with your local peace officers, but not me.

I love cops…and I really really love the show, COPS! Have you guys seen COP LAND? Remember when Edie Falco is telling Ray Liotta about the “animal head in the duffel bag bomb scare” story? Well, that came from this book…word for word!

Since COPS was so damn cheap on Amazon, I also snatched up a copy of NAM: THE VIETNAM WAR IN THE WORDS OF THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO FOUGHT THERE.

Jesus Christ, was this book a kick in the teeth. NAM has just about wiped my ass out. I’ve been reading it during my lunch breaks at work…a word to the wise, DO NOT read this book while eating. Some serious fucked up shit went down there and you do not want to be chewing on something warm and fleshy while trying to process the extreme fucked-upness of the Vietnam War. There was a part in this book that almost had me crying like a baby in the break room…can you imagine a 18 year old soldier with no arms (who’s wife just had a baby that he’ll never be able to hold) breaking down because he can’t even open the shitty Christmas gift the nurses gave him?!

Serving in the Armed Forces is not for me, but I have even more love and respect for Veterans than I do Cops…and that’s a lot!

So, if you like nonfiction books about some heavy stuff, pick up some Mark Baker books…he also has one called, WOMEN: AMERICAN WOMEN IN THEIR OWN WORDS, that I’m dying to read.

And what would one of my blogs be without a video?

“Learn to love the rope.”