Things I Decided Today

Truth be told, I decided this yesterday….

When a female coworker (in her mid-twenties, no less), wearing a scoop neck shirt showcasing her “necklace” of fresh hickeys, asks a break room full of people if anyone has some chap stick she can borrow, the answer is always, “NO FUCKING WAY“.

Goodbye, Old Chums.

Well, the day has come…The Wife and I are finally Netflix users.

Why now? Well…this is hard for me…the video store that I’ve frequented for a decade is closing it’s doors next month.

It’s true, the Waterloo Video annex is soon to be no more. I’m bummed for a few reasons. Of course I’ll miss the free rentals and discounts, but the real shame is that some really cool people are not going to be part of my daily routine anymore. Oh sure, some of my video friends are coming over to the record store, but some are going their own way…choosing not to be part of the dying art that is the record store employee. We’ve had some good times together…and I’m seriously going to be bummed. Good luck to all you kooky kids…I guess we can keep in touch on MySpace or something.

It’s strange to watch some of my fellow record store employees rape the shelves over at the video store and never once stop to think how this might be affecting the people who actually work over there. It’s not like it’s just some store going out of business…it’s our store. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. Next time it could be us (scratch that…next time it WILL BE us)…and I hope the people we work with can muster up some fucking sympathy as they buy all the cheap product to plump up their collections or their eBay accounts to actually care about the people who’s lives are drastically going to change in less than a month.

Alright…I know I don’t usually get all mushy, so I’ll stop. Netflix…I guess it’s the future. Or maybe it’s downloading movies? Whatever. So far I’m pretty excited about my new way of “renting” movies. I’ll miss the endless browsing I’m capable of in an actual store…but browsing online isn’t the worst thing I suppose. I’ll also miss the infinite knowledge possessed by the soon to be extinct video clerk…and that kinda’ sucks.

Welcome to the future, Mr. Canacorn, hope you like it without some of your friends around!

Oh, Daddy Merrill, if you’re reading this, please tell the ‘Loo video kids to hit me up on MySpace.

The Dirty Secret Of Waterloo Records

What the fuck is that smell? Where is it coming from? Is it me? No it can’t be..wanna know why? Here’s a real quick Canacorn fun fact: I don’t stink. Seriously, I have no body odor. Just ask The Wife. It’s true….I don’t even have to wear deodorant. Weird, huh?

Anyway, back to that fucking smell….oh look, it’s the refrigerator at work. Now that The Wife doesn’t work at the record store anymore, who’s gonna’ clean it out? There’s about 90 of us here, why won’t anyone man-up and clean this OPERATION WHITECOAT inspired diarrhea factory?

Alright, that’s it! I’ll do it.

So, the first rule for cleaning out the Waterloo fridge is: ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE WARNING THE EMPLOYEES THAT THEIR ROTTING LEFTOVERS WILL BE UNCEREMONIOUSLY THROWN IN THE GARBAGE.

The best part about my note…as I was writing it, a fellow employee said, “Oh great. I was wondering when someone was going to do this.”

Don’t worry kids, you still have a Canacorn to lean on to do your dirty work!

So, what’s inside the Waterloo fridge? Let’s take a looksee.

What’s the worse thing that could happen?

Well, it’s been worse. Let’s get a little closer.

Seriously? You guys super suck. But what is that smell?!


Gah! That stinks…but it’s not quite right.


Bleh! That’s the one!


Hey, boners , next time somebody else is going to have to do this! Oh, who am I kidding? I’m the only employee around here that doesn’t enjoy wallowing in their own shit.


This is the “food” that some of my illustrious employees will complain about being thrown away….obviously, they are junior Mycologists and I’m some sort of senior asshole.

And now the note to let my little piggies know what has happened.

What’s a Performance Bonus, you ask. Well, it’s some sort of elusive monetary reward promised to Waterloovians for going above and beyond their normal duties at work….and it’s something I still have yet to receive. No surprises there. You’re welcome.

Happiness is….

According to Genghis Khan:

“Happiness lies in conquering one’s enemies,
in driving them in front of oneself, in taking their property,
in savoring their despair, in outraging their wives and daughters.”

And Conan said:

“To crush your enemies — See them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!”

But sometimes…it’s just as easy as quitting your job:

That’s right, The Wife has left the building….actually, she has a few weeks left at the old job. It’s going to be kind of strange not having her around all day. Oh, in case y’all didn’t know, The Wife and I have worked together for eight years.

I know, I know, “Don’t shit where you eat” and all that, but it’s been different for us. You see, we’re actually friends. Weird, huh? We enjoy spending time together…as in, ALL DAY LONG.

I guess we’re just funny that way. Anyway, I just wanted to throw out a big, “CONGRATULATIONS AND GOOD LUCK,” to my partner…I’ll miss you around the workplace…but at least we have the homestead.

Love, Your Old Man.
XOXO

SXSBloat Part 2

Where was I? Oh, SXSW 08….

As I mentioned in part 1, we had 15 bands playing in our little store for three days straight. I don’t have much to say about any of them, so here’s my quick recap:

DAY 1
Blah, blah, blah…boy, that Sarah Bareilles sure is popular.

DAY 2
Blah, blah, blah…woah, easy on those brown liquors grandma, they can be a bit harsh on the face (no names mentioned).

DAY 3
BRING ON THE METAL!!
Finally, THE SAVIOURS are here!

These fuckers had so many Marshalls stacked on the stage that they had to play on the floor! The band and their buddies were all really cool…and one of the band members (no names mentioned) had the best SXSW quote of the day as they got off our stage:

NO MORE COCAINE!

I had to geek out a bit and get my LP signed:

Pretty sweet artwork by JOE PETAGNO!

And the weed and joints on the inner sleeve were a nice touch:

Oh yeah, some old dudes showed up:

One of our employees (no names mentioned) bum rushed Mick just to blurt out, “I love you!” Shit, you wait over 20 years to meet someone and that’s all you got? Whatevs.

Last up we had some real old dudes who knew they were old and they also knew that they weren’t rock stars. I love these guys. Witness the lack of pretension:


(This video is from SXSW 08, just not at Waterloo…)

So that’s about it…nothing too terribly exciting this year. Who knows, maybe next year I can just stay home and sit the whole damn thing out?

Read Part 1 right here.

SXSBloat Part 1

Thank God that’s over. Another SXSW has come and gone and I’m about 5 lbs. heavier. It never fails that The Wife and I end up gaining some weight during this week of movies, music, and label dinners. Thanks to our jobs at the record store we get treated out to eat by our wonderful friends from various record companies and on the nights we have to fend for ourselves we’re usually so beat after all the in store performances (5 a day for 3 days straight) that we eat a ton of fast food to avoid cooking and cleaning at our house.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to be some sort of name dropper….but I will tell you where we ate…and some of the cool things we did.

McCORMICK & SCHMICK’S
“…the restaurant is sophisticated and club-like, with high back chairs, paneled walls of dark wood, and high ceilings studded with art deco style light fixtures…featuring a menu that includes some twenty five varieties of fresh fish and shell fish.”Bon Appetit Magazine

Oh, yeah…The Wife went with the surf and turf and I had some tortilla crusted yellowtail…There were about 15 of us, so our server was a bit overwhelmed..especially since our host has a habit of ordering every appetizer on the damn menu. The fish was excellent and the prices were affordable…check ’em out.

SILHOUETTE (Sorry…no website)
“The Silhouette is a cozy and quaint restaurant and a perfect place, if you are looking forward to having a nice meal with your friends or family. You can have some sushi at the sushi bar or chill with a drink at their full bar. The Tea Room is the best option if you are here with some friends or someone special. This place has live jazz shows once in a while.”msnCitySearch

We love getting sushi here. The previous owner had hidden cameras in the ladies’ room years ago, but it’s not a sleazy place. It’s never crowded…which is no small feat during SXSW…and the rolls are always excellent. This was a small gathering of 5 before we went to see a movie.

What movie, you ask?

HEAVY METAL IN BAGHDAD!
Sure, this film is about heavy metal, but it’s really about so much more…check out the website for tons of info on the band, Acrassicauda, and what you can do to make a difference!

CASA MARIA
We love us some Casa Maria! This little place is 5 minutes from our house and we eat there once a week with another couple (Fun Fact Alert! We were all on TRADING SPACES together a couple of years ago). It’s super cheap Tex Mex on the Southside of town with a family friendly atmosphere.

Our fast food laziness consisted of WENDY’S and PAPA JOHN’S. I don’t think I need to describe anything about either of these two places.

During our in store performances we grazed on deli trays courtesy of WHOLE FOODS. Check out the Mediterranean Feast and the Continental Fruit and Cheese platters….mmmmm,mmmmm, good! Oh, we also had some cookies from the bakery!

Well, that’s enough for now….we have so much to do at the homestead on our 1 day off for the week. Stay tuned for part 2 of SXSBloat…

Read Part 2 right here.