A Big Ass Turd In My Hand.

A few weeks ago I offered to write a movie review for a friend’s website. No big deal, right? I have all this free time and I love talking about movies, so writing a review should be a piece of cake! I emailed my buddy:

ME: If you ever need a Richard Dreyfuss to your Robert Shaw, I’d be
willing to help out doing a guest review or something. I’m out of school
for a while, so whatever.

BUDDY: What do you wanna review? anything in mind?

ME: Creatures From The Abyss (aka Plankton) would be a cool one to
review….I don’t know, you could give me an assignment, just like J. Jonah

BUDDY: Yeah, go ahead. I actually have seen that recently. It came in a 3 pack
with The Dark, and The Being.

That last email was on Feb. 4th. I never started the review. I kept telling myself, I just didn’t have the time right now and I’d get to it….then I get this email on the 7th.

BUDDY: how’s the review going?

OH FUCK! He was serious….and I need to get working on this damn review…so I shot him back a little white lie.

ME: Started working on my review…I hope to have it to you by next weekend if that’s okay. Don’t feel obligated to use it if you feel it doesn’t fit in…

BUDDY: Hope to have it by next weekend? Jesus, who are you Frank Fuckin’ Herbert? Crank that motherfucker out and we’ll get along fine. Do you have a way to grab screengrabs from it? I have the disc if you don’t. Feel free to come up with funny captions if you want. Rib will change em if they really suck. That’s the hardest part to write I think, but no joke is really too stupid.

Screengrabs? Oh, man, the panic was really building…..calm the fuck down and just go watch the movie…first, email your buddy back…play it cool…use a little humor…

ME: It’s up to 15 pages, typed, double spaced at this point…actually, I just started re-watching it yesterday. I don’t have a way to do screengrabs…so that will have to be up to you guys.

BUDDY: Don’t worry about the review being perfect, I don’t. I’ve read your blogs, which are good, so think of it like that. If you wanna contribute reviews semi-regularly afterward, that’s fine. Obviously, you’re free to be obscene, which is fun.

His last email calmed my nerves some. I have found my voice in AWESOMENESS… and really do enjoy writing my little blog. I guess the thing is, the blog is for me. Sure, I obviously write to be read by others, but ultimately, I just post stuff for my own selfish enjoyment. By offering my writing to someone else I was really putting myself out there. This isn’t some paper for school (which I agonize over…just ask The Wife), this was for someone else’s website.

Let me stop here and stress one thing: I AM A VIRGO.

“Astrologers broadly agree that the following are the characteristics of Virgo:
The Virgo is prone to being overly proud, fussy, nervous, pedantic, petty, self-conscious, harsh, paranoid, scared of being sick, aloof, calculating, hard-edged, overly critical, judgmental, pretentious, snobby, nervous, timid, compulsive, folds under pressure, a perfectionist, stubborn, and conservative.”

…and that’s the absolute fucking truth. I am my own worse critic…as I assume most people are, but I’m really, really hard on myself. Well, it was time to get to work! I watched CREATURES FROM THE ABYSS armed only with a pad of paper, a pen, and my pretentious (yet self-conscious) wit.

After the film I was left with these:

Two pages filled with cryptic references to Clint Howard, Alec Holland, Joey Silvera, PRIVATE MEDIA GROUP and other not so obscure people and places….and then there’s 100s of word combinations like: swank bar glass chrome sectional, slapping method, Dadaist manifesto, Julie looks dead but still hot, extreme caviar birthing, and my favorite: “Not a fish pedophile.”

What in the hell am I supposed to do with that?! Get to writing, that’s what, Canacorn!

So I sat my ass at the computer and wrote…and wrote…and wrote…and 1,350 words later I was left with this:


Or so I thought.

I emailed my buddy the review on Feb. 16th and waited for his critique. Man, was I nervous…I mean, I’m about to be judged on my opinions of a shitty horror movie and how I decided to express my feelings about said shitty horror movie by a guy who has lived and breathed shitty horror movies a good decade longer than I have. All I could picture was J. Jonah Jameson ripping me and my review to shreds.

Well…I did hear back from my buddy…and he liked it…he said it was great. Uh, wow…So not too shabby for my first go…and I got lucky by having an easy editor.

Here’s the trailer:

So, enough is enough…here’s the link to my 1st online review: