Fetish Fridays! NSFW And Totally Refreshing!

I don’t know what the weather’s like in your neck of the woods, but here in the A,TX. it’s hot, hot, hot! And when it gets hot, there’s nothing I like better than a cool refreshing drink!

An ice cold beer, some unsweetened sun tea, a tall glass of ice water, or even a smoothie….but not just any smoothie…the only thing that can beat this Texas heat is an:

100% genuine ass smoothies!

Wait, you guys don’t drink ASS SMOOTHIES in your hometown? Don’t tell me you’ve never even heard of them?

Just making another ass smoothie.

Check it…ASS SMOOTHIES started off as this crazy porn thing on the internets where some pervy dudes found some “pornstars and hot girls who enjoy ass to mouth felching.”

I’ll let these demented thirst experts explain the rest:

“The porn babes make a smoothie which is then poured inside their rectum. We use a speculum to gape their asshole open wide so we can fill up their anal cavity with what then becomes known as the ass smoothie. As they wait in the piledriver position with their ass up in the air, we pour the entire anal smoothie inside their butt and let it sit there for a moment. When they are completely full, the girls get back on their feet and squirt the ass smoothie from their assholes into a glass below. Next they take the anal beverage to their lips and drink it all, thus completing the felching cycle of ass to mouth, by ingesting the ass smoothie which was sitting deep inside their own rectum.”

She poured juice, cola and whipped cream in a blender and presto she got her own flavor of ass smoothie!

Man, doesn’t that sound delicious?! It became such a popular drink among professional women, college students and speculum salesmen here in Austin that ASS SMOOTHIE stands started popping up all over town!

The ASS SMOOTHIE was liberated from it’s existence as the second class citizen of “fruity, sweet, nutty flavored drinks with undertones of rich, dark rectum” to it’s rightful place as THE MOST REFRESHING DRINK IN THE WORLD!

Before you knew it, everyone and their mom were blending their own special brand of ASS SMOOTHIE…there were ASS SMOOTHIE parties where people would bring tricked out blenders and personalized, gold plated speculums…debates would rage over the proper temperature for the perfect ASS SMOOTHIE (98.6 degrees was usually beat out every time by cooler, more refreshing temps)….some people even got their pets in on the act with a very special Canis lupus familiaris ASS SMOOTHIE…but I won’t get into that.

Live music was out as the driver of Austin’s “creative economy” and everyone knew that Austin, TX. was now THE ASS SMOOTHIE CAPITOL OF THE WORLD! Even the old hippies were wearing tied-dyed shirts with the ASS SMOOTHIE slogan, “KEEP AUSTIN SMOOTH“.

SRV can S My D! Keep Austin Smooth!

So, don’t the let heat get the upper hand, get on the ASS SMOOTHIE train this Summer and keep it smooth in your city!

Fetish Fridays! DIY And NSFW

Let’s get organized!

Are you tired of paying too much money for overly complicated adult toys?

Do you find yourself frustrated with all those tangled wires and dangerous outlets that come with electrically powered marital aids?

Are you confused by outdated and convoluted laws prohibiting or regulating obscene devices in your home town?

Worry no more!

HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has all the do it yourself instructions for the horny READYMADE man and woman who enjoy creating unique items to have at home…crafted from everyday materials, including household items!

Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready!

I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to buy a pocket pussy but just couldn’t muster up the courage to go into the local sex shop and plunk down my hard earned cash!

Well, thanks to HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, all I have to do is hit up the grocery store for some innocuous sundries, gather up a couple of things I have laying around Casa Canacorn and follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Fill balloons with warm water
Get about four or five balloons. Fill them with warm, not hot, water. Tie the ends so water will not squeeze out. This also works with hot water bottles.

Step 2: Roll a pillow put a plastic bag inside
Take a pillow; roll it up like a tube and tie a string around it or even use your belt. Push the warm water balloons into the opening of the pillow tube. Your fleshy warm vagina is almost ready. Take a small plastic kitchen trash can bag. Push it in between the balloons in the pillow. Put some lubricant of your choice inside the plastic bag that is being tightly squeezed by the balloons.

Step 3: Warm, tight, and slippery fake pussy
Get your dick ready. Put the pillow on bed. Put your dick inside this plastic vagina. You will feel the warmth, slipperiness and tightness you only dreamed of.

Wow! Pretty neat, right?! They have a ton more how tos over at HOMEMADE SEX TOYS like fuckable bean bag chairs, totally awesome lightsaber didlos and wack-a-doodle giant foam finger vibrators for you sports nuts!

To properly brush your vagina, use short, gentle strokes, paying extra attention to the clitoris.

Now, I know some of you guys and gals are so busy you don’t even have time to read the TV Guide, never mind fussing about with X-acto knives, duct tape, and toilet paper rolls.

Never fear, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS has got your back! They’ll help you see with new eyes…

Just look around your house…there are a bunch of things you can stick your dick into, massage your clit with, or cram into your greedy asshole!

How about your TOOTHBRUSH?!

Hey now, why not use your CELL PHONE?!

Now why didn’t you think of that before? So simple and so genius….

I do believe we owe HOMEMADE SEX TOYS a big ol’, “Thank you,” don’t you?

Alright, I gotta’ get going, but one more picture and link before I beat feet.

This one is for all you Foodies that drop by Awesomeness every Friday…

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH, fruit and veggie vibrators!

A dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

They’re Nutritiously Orgasmic!

Thank you, HOMEMADE SEX TOYS, you rule!
(And a thanks to Bwana for turning me on to HST, you rule too!)

Robots And Donuts

The Endless Training

I don’t know about youse guys, but I love robots…and I love donuts!

Thankfully there’s an artist who decided to to put two great tastes that taste great together! His name is Eric Joyner and I think he’s totally boss!

I found out about Mr. Joyner when I stumbled upon his book, ROBOTS & DONUTS at work the other day.

Here’s a brief description from the Dark Horse site:

“In Robots and Donuts Joyner celebrates the era of tin toy robots in a series of whimsical, thoughtful, sometimes tragic but always stunning paintings depicting mechanical men and women in outlandish and impossible settings.”

The painting on the cover of this book caught my eye…check it:

Summertime

And what I found inside blew my mind….enjoy some choice samples:

Frustration

The Final Blow

The Rope

Hey, where’s the donuts?! Oh, right….

The Players

Propellor Head

IO Jima

Check out more of Eric’s stuff at Ruminations from Tin World and buy yourself something pretty at his store!

Mummy Dogs

Yummy and spooky!

Found @ Clara the Cool

Be Sure To Vote On Prop MJ!

This is really important people.

Cast your ballots HERE!

And how do I REALLY feel about the delicious Mary Jane? I’ll let Rick and the ladies tell you.

*Original photo by Nick Nick.

Rocktober! Day 15

Wow, 15 days already? Okay, let’s keep this train a rollin’, you kooky kids!

I’d like to dedicate this next Rocktober video to the 2 different people who found my blog by typing “Meat Hat Porn” into their (obviously) abused search engines.

I’m pretty sure they were disappointed by the Rachel Ray video they found over at Awesomeness, so here’s something a little…uh, meatier….not so much pornier, but be warned, the following vid is still NSFW.

That means, “Not Safe For Work“, boners!

The music is by thrash metal giants Destruction and the song is Mad Butcher, of course! Any of you horror fans know what movie the clips are from? (This is an easy one…) Extra credit if you give me the Italian title.

Pretty cool huh? For a bunch more horror movie/metal music mashups, truck on over to HORROR PAIN GORE DEATH! It’s a (blood)feast for your eyes and ears!

They’re Shrimp-ly Delicious!

I found this advert inadvertently…(see how I did that?)

You see, I was over at Dinner With Max Jenke reading the latest post about the film The Mysterious Monsters. I clicked on the first video. Oh cool, a totally awesome trailer for the 1976 docudrama!

The ominous voice over started telling me all about Bigfoot, The Abominable Snowman, The Loch Ness Monster and all the trouble these strange and mysterious beasts were into. Then this happened at the end of the clip:

What the fuck?!

I can’t tell if I find it totally disgusting or totally delicious…I know it’s just an egg roll…but for some reason it just seems so bizarre to me. Maybe it’s because the guy never says egg roll? Maybe it’s because I was already all freaked out by Bigfoot attacking poor Rita Graham? Maybe it’s the packaging?

Who knows?

So Yummy, So Yummy!

Thanks, Paul!

Sex In The Theater

No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking…what kind of blog do you think I’m running here anyway? Wait…don’t answer that.

Anyway, last night The Wife and I went to see the SEX AND THE CITY movie. First off, I really don’t understand the venomous backlash against the show and the little popcorn flick it spawned. I mean, really, it’s just a movie, what did it ever do to you? And what’s with the folks who hate it but have never even seen a single episode? I get not liking a show, but usually I at least try and watch an episode or three before totally writing it off as horribly annoying (I’m looking at you GILMORE GIRLS…Christ, is Lorelai capable of ever shutting the fuck up?!)

But that’s not really what I want to bitch about today. It’s the people. The people that I have to share the world with. Here’s a Canacorn fun fact: I hate people. There I said it. I really do. Why do they all have to suck? Oh, not you guys…just the rest of ’em. Maybe it’s because of the decades I’ve spent working retail…or maybe it’s just because they suck? Who knows?

So, what happened? Well, The Wife and I went to our favorite theater, The Alamo Drafthouse, to catch an early evening showing…great idea, right? A Tuesday night…the movie’s been out forever…it should be dead in there…which means little to no annoying others in the theater with us, right? Wrong. The place filled up quickly and everyone wanted to sit right next to us on the back row. The worst of them decided to sit next to me…he had an interesting odor…kind of like dirty laundry and b.o. smothered in some kind of musk. A delightful smell (that’s sarcasm in case you didn’t catch it) to accompany my delicious (not sarcasm) SMOKEY AND THE BACON sandwich (BLT $7.99 LETTUCE, TOMATO AND HEAPS OF PEPPERED, SMOKED BACON, SERVED ON SOURDOUGH WITH CHIPOTLE MAYO).

At first we thought he was alone, but he was shortly joined by another male (I’m not sure what his scent was…but judging from his buddy, I’m guessing smegma with a hint of boiled cabbage). Despite the smell I was relieved that they were a gay couple…but I was wrong. I know, I really have to stop with all the sweeping generalizations…but we were at SEX IN THE CITY, what was I supposed to think about two guys seeing this movie together?!

I guess IRON MAN was totally sold out along with THE INCREDIBLE HULK, GET SMART, HANCOCK, INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, KUNG FU PANDA, WALL-E, and even the DIONYSIUM thingy…cause these dudes were dudes…except that they were in the fucking SEX IN THE CITY movie!

The smelly one laughed at all the most inappropriate moments (like when Big totally shafted Carrie at the alter or when Steve cheated on Miranda totally fucking up their marriage…oh, those are spoilers…um..disregard if you haven’t seen this movie yet…even though I’m 99.9% sure that the people who read Awesomeness are not going to watch SITC: THE MOVIE). Where was I? Oh, the smelly guy had some big guffaws every time something bad and/or sad happened. But that wasn’t the worst of it…..

So Mr. Stinky McFuckface crosses his legs (dude style) and plops his flip flop havin’ man-foot right next to me…then he proceeds to give himself some kind of aggressive mannish foot massage practically in my fucking lap! What the fuck is his problem?! Goddammit…this I don’t need. I’m trying to watch Samantha eat her way out of cheating on Smith and this guy is going to town on his sore heel with his fried pickle-y fingers! He really worked on that one foot for over 30 fucking minutes…groan…

After the movie I had to pee super bad (a bucket of Lone Star beer will do that to a guy) and who’s at the urinal next to me? You guessed it…Stinky McFoot Rubber! Now he’s pissin’ away and ripping multiple farts as he talks to his buddy at the other urinal.

“How long ago was this show on?” PPPPPPFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

“They sure looked old.” PPPFFFTTT……..PHRAP……..PPPPPFFFFTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I hope you get prostate cancer and die alone, you smelly piece of shit!

Sorry….I get a little worked up sometimes….

Thanks for listening.

Go here to watch something.

Need More Fiber? Try Making Your Own Bread!

Like the guy in this video: