Cheer Up Charlie

Hey look at me…two blog posts in a row!

I hate to admit it but, I still don’t have any idea what to write about now that I’m back from my hiatus….

I’ve been staring at my computer for days (totally ignoring my wife and son) just grasping at straws for a topic.

I know the porn related posts generate anywhere between 400 to 600 hits a day (Thanks, futanaria, squirting, black cock, pussy pump, and human cow), but I just can’t turn Awesomeness into anymore of a toilet than it already is…or can I?

Then it hit me…

What’s almost as popular as pornography on the internets?

Celebrity scandals!

Sooooooooo….Let’s talk Charlie Sheen!!!!

Naw, I’m just kidding…what I really want to talk about is my most favorite teevee show of all time:

Beverly Hills 90210!

Best episode of Family Feud evarrrrr!

That’s right boners, it’s Season 8 time here at Casa Canacorn!

The gang’s back and…well, not the whole gang…but some old faces are and we get a couple of new characters, like Noah and Carly!

You don’t remember Noah or Carly? How about creepy Dr. Monahan or that red headed bitch Emma?

Anyone?

Wait, don’t tell me every last one of y’all stopped watching when Brenda moved to London to attend school at the Royal Academy for Dramatic Arts?!

Oh man, have we got some catching up to do….I can’t possibly get y’all up to speed in just one post.

So I’ll just whet your appetite with this screenshot from the opening credits:

That’s right, Karate Kid and velociraptor, Hilary Swank has joined the cast!

Stayed tuned!

….and don’t worry, there will be more porn…I promise.

D Cells?

If you’re a stranger to Awesomeness you might not know that I believe Beverly Hills 90210 is the best television show ever made.

And here is just one example why from season 7:

Brandon’s new gal pal, Tracy Gaylian, uses a vibrator that requires D cell batteries.

Now I hate to nitpick, but the last time I checked, the Pocket Rocket uses 1 AA battery….shit, even the Big Thunder Vibrating Dildo only needs 3 AAs!

But I’m gonna’ let that small mistake in a great gag slide.

Bev Hills Season 7

Awwww yeah! Season 7, boners!

That’s right, The Wife and I just cracked the seal on our season 7 box set of 90210!

And you just know it’s gonna’ be a great season of the classic 90210 when you get …

A bra less Donna in the first episode:

My eyes are up here.

Val‘s gradual transformation into her “hot mom look” by the second:

My eyes are up here.

And this bit of awesomeness:

Baphomet and his Solid Gold dancers!

Cooley Jackson!

Tony Fields!

Darcel Wynne!

Choreography by Kevin Carlisle!

Tony and Darcel bring the heat to 90210!

God, I love this fucking show!

Buy Yourself Something Pretty

Oh man, I know I haven’t been talking about my all time most favoritest show ever in the whole wide world in like, forever, but I just couldn’t let the episode we watched last night go by without comment.

I’ll give you a quick update just so you know where we’re at!

Sixth Season…Dylan is out after the assassination of his wife (I know, crazy, right?!). Donna‘s finally rid of ol’ love ’em and push ’em down the stairs, Ray Pruit, and has hooked up with Joe, the virgin football star that has that heart problem. Brandon is dating the Andrea-ish feminazi, Susan (gag). David is dating the most awesome, Valerie Malone (seriously, she’s become one of the best reasons to watch “The After High School Years” seasons). Steve is dating Creepy Crossed-eyed Clare (who’s face is seriously starting to piss me off this season)…

No really, Clare’s face has become a bigger distraction than Donna’s cleavage for me…Do you even remember what she looks like? No? Here, I’ll jog your memory:

Creepy Cross-eyed Clare Arnold

Blagh! What the fuck is up with her eyes?!

Anyway…where was I? Oh, the best part! Kelly is dating the coke head artist, Colin. You know how Kelly’s all judgmental and bitchy and so not okay with cocaine because her mom was a total druggie fuck-up, right? Well, this is the season when little miss goody-goody gets all depressed over her shitty parents and goes balls to the wall…snorting up all the snow in Beverly Hills she can cram up her weird tiny nose!

But before the coke bender we have The Wife‘s most favorite scene evah! Kelly’s dad promised to move back to 90210, but he’s a flake (just like her mom) and decides to not move back because of some textiles deal or whatever. He has a flower arrangement and a card sent to Kelly as an apology for letting her down…again. Inside the card is a half ass “I’m So Sorry Note” and one check for three thousand dollars…you know, so Kelly can buy herself something pretty. Well, that totally pushes our gal over the edge…and this happens!

Buy yourself something pretty...

Like a scarf...

Or a pashmina...

Or a Marc Jacobs bag...

How 'bout some sexy lingerie...

Or a pair of Jimmy Choos...

Or a shit-ton of more coke? Thanks, dad.

Fuck yes! You know what this deserves?

The full on 5 Spaghetti Cat Rating of THE AWESOMEST!

LOST 90210

Okay, here’s the thing…The Wife and I have NOT been watching this season of LOST. Well, we started watching it then there was this whole writer’s strike thing…we got into THE WIRE, BSG, and then Season 4 of BEVERLY HILLS 90210 came out on dvd…

Hold it right there! That’s right, you heard me! We are not watching LOST because we are too busy watching 90210. Don’t act all shocked and judgmental.

First, we are letting the final LOST episodes stack up in our dvr so we can watch them in a big chunk after the season ends…and second, 90210 is one of the greatest shows that has ever been on tee-vee! Yes, I said it..and I fucking mean it, so back off.

Besides, I’ve been kind of cheating with LOST thanks to THE NAKED JUNGLE’S weekly LOST blogs…check ’em out.

Anyway, with all the grief The Wife and I have been getting about 90210 vs. LOST it got us thinking….

Aren’t LOST and 90210 basically the same shows? Seriously…let’s take a look at our cast of characters, shall we?

First up, locations….
THE ISLAND….this is easy….BEVERLY HILLS.
THE HATCH…..THE PEACH PIT
THE BEACH CAMP….WEST BEVERLY HIGH
THE OTHER’S CAMP….THE BEACH HOUSE

Now on to the casts….
(The list is far from complete and maybe even flawed…if you have a better pairing of LOST and 90210 characters, please let me know.)

JACK….BRANDON (smug, self righteous, star)
SAWYER….DYLAN (bad boy to the extreme)
KATE….KELLY (annoying, flawed, love interest)
SAYID….JESSE (torture…pure torture)
CHARLIE….DAVID (punk ass kid)
CLAIRE….DONNA (not the sharpest knife in the drawer)
JULIET….BRENDA (pain in the ass bitch)
LOCKE….STEVE (always up to trouble…and a Mr. Canacorn favorite on both shows)
ANNA LUCIA….VALERIE (just dropping in to cause some trouble)
MICHAEL….MRS. TEASLEY (uh, you know…concerned about kids)
WALT….DESHAUN (okay, it’s hard to find black people on 90210)
SUN….CINDY WALSH (kind of there…no one really cares about your storyline)
JIN….JIM WALSH (see above)
HURLEY….ANDREA (fatty, fatty, 2×4, can’t fit through the kitchen door)
VINCENT….ROCKY II (dogs)
SMOKE MONSTER….EMILY VALENTINE (scary and mysterious)
BEN….NAT (THE MAN, THE MYTH…JOE E. TATA!) (the real stars of the shows)

So, we were stumped on a few characters…give us a break, it’s early and the pot of coffee is only half empty…but you can help! Just comment below and let’s get this list revised and completed!

LOST 90210