I’m Not Mad…

Sadly, Gary is not on the awesome Super-Cycle of New Genesis.

Hey boners, remember a couple weeks ago when I was all,

“OMFG! You guys totally need to watch TIPTOES! Seriously, it’s going to be soooo fucking awesome!”

Weeeeell, I take it back.

Ya’ll really don’t. Not the whole movie. Just stick to the trailer that’s making its way around the blogs and save yourselves 90 minutes of the “Up With Midgets!” message that TIPTOES has to offer.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against little people, but TIPTOES is no UNDER THE RAINBOW! Heh…UNDER THE RAINBOW…why isn’t that on dvd yet?!

Anyway, my friend Dave over at SMELLS LIKE SCREEN SPIRIT hit the nail on the head when he said he felt that TIPTOES was just disappointing. The plot, the direction, Gary Oldman‘s “role of a lifetime“…all of it…just plain disappointing.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Wasted talent.

I mean, the filmmakers had so many opportunities to make this one a winner…at one point, Kate Beckinsale says to Matthew McConaughey, “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that!”

Me too! Come on! Seriously, why the fuck didn’t Matthew Bright throw that scene in there?!

Oh, and you have Bridget The Midget in your fucking movie!

Hellooooo…She’s an American erotic film actress with dwarfism for Christ’s sake!

I know it’s too much to ask for Matthew and Gary to Eiffel Tower* her, but at least show some naked midget flesh!

Look, in my humble opinion, if you have a little person that doesn’t mind parading her tiny assets around on film, take full advantage of that!

What’s so difficult about this?

Okay, I’ve said my piece…so, in closing:

Watch the trailer to TIPTOES, not the movie.

*Oh, in case you’re wondering…this is The Eiffel Tower:

Fuck yeah, Bro!

When The Going Gets Rough…

…It’s only the size of your heart that counts.

2003…The year that brought you THE ROOM also gives you…

TIP TOES

I’ll have you all know that as soon as Bwana sent me this trailer I immediately put it at the top of my Netflix queue…I strongly advise that you all do the same.

Oh Mary Kate, You Got My Balls Wound Up So Tight!

Okay, I have no idea what MTV’s Human Giant is, but this clip rules. Ever wanted to see Will Arnett get it on with The Olsen Twins?

Yeah you did….thank me later.

WILL ARNETT-HUMAN GIANT SEX TAPE on FunnyOrDie.com

I’d like to thank BAKED ZITI for this post.

They do this every year?

Ah, The Super Bowl…every year it happens…and every year I think the same thing, “Boy, I sure do hate sports.”

I also think this during The World Series and The Basketball Playoff thing-a-ma-jigger.

Sports just don’t interest me. I didn’t grow up in a house where sports were important….books, yes, sports, no. I’ve tried to watch sports, hell, I even watched the Super Bowl once…and only because it had a cool theme song that year:

Christ, those guys had talent!

Just because I don’t care for sports doesn’t mean I don’t have friends that do. The Wife and I were even invited to a Super Bowl party this year…what we would do there is beyond me, so we politely declined. Truthfully, we’ll be busy painting the walls of our deck today…you should see it, three equal horizontal chunks of clam chowder, warm muffin, and spice berry…these colors are going to offset the subtle natural cedar stain of the deck beautifully…trust me.

Anyway, back to The Super Bowl…The Wife and I have been known to tune in for the half time show. It’s usually some big train wreck of a production, but as purveyors of badness, it is our duty to witness the horror.

You know, not all half time shows have been bad:

“…gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” indeed.

In case anyone forgot, Prince is one hell of a guitar player.

But this year we get…..Tom Petty?!

Are we partying, or are we just hanging out?

What the fuck is Old Tom going to bring to the table? Boooooring! At least when Aerosmith was performing they had a little help so as not to embarrass themselves. (That’s sarcasm, just in case you didn’t know.)

Who knows, maybe the production dream team behind that mess will jazz up the train to Tom Petty-town. (Fun fact: A shirtless Matthew McConaughey at the ACL Fest asked The Wife if the golf cart she was driving was “the train to Tom Petty-town.”…what a douche.)

So, even though we won’t be watching the big game this year, or Tivoing the high-larious commercials, we will suffer through another half time fiasco and we promise to keep it real and root for America’s favorite team, The Dallas Cowboys!

Go Cowboys!